I went to the gong meditation tonight.  I picked up my cousin who goes with me, who is going through some family stuff, and she was talking about grief.  I don’t like to talk too much about S anymore, because I don’t feel like I’m grieving him, but she was talking about it generically.  She said, it’s just grief, Deb, it’s a loss.  That’s all, it’s just grief that we have to work through.

During the meditation, what she said was rolling around my head, and my heart.  The gongs and crystal bowls facilitated a very deep meditation.  I thought how can I be grieving HIM, I mean….after what he did to me, how could I grieve him?  Because in all honesty, I don’t think I do any more.  I don’t have that visceral pain that I had for the first 30 or 45 days when I thought of him. The pain that would wake me in the middle of the night sobbing into my pillow. The pain that came out in anguished poems, that made me keep texting him, talking to him, even though I knew he was with her, because I knew he’d egg me on, tell me he missed me, tell me to come see him.    I had no doubt if I’d allowed it, we would have been naked in bed together in no time.  I missed him with ever fiber of my being, and it hurt.

But after 4 or 6 weeks, I had somehow moved out of that pain, it no longer seared my heart to think about him, or him with her even worse.  I did what I had to do to heal myself, and began to move on.  When the depth of the lies and betrayal became known, I just wanted to get away from it all.  And did….have not talked to him since, and I know for a fact I don’t want that in my life.

But every once in awhile I still get an ache, and I can’t imagine why.  But my cousin explained it without trying.  There is loss, there was a part of my life that was full, it was rich for awhile, and now there’s nothing there.  It’s like a hole in my heart that he used to fill, and now he doesn’t, but neither does anything else.

Grief. Loss.  This is what takes the longer time to heal.  The pain and betrayal we can rationalize, we can know it was wrong, that it hurt, we can learn a lesson and go on.  The general grief and loss, the hole that is left empty when you lose someone you loved, I guess has to be filled with something else.  A passion for someone or something else.

I pour it out in my writing, I have been working hard at work, mindfully, to keep my mind busy. I have been talking to friends, reading, trying to fill the space, taking care of my house, trying to love and appreciate the people who are in my life.  But I think it’s a slow go.  That’s the wound that’s hard to heal, it just has to fill with the light, and the light will shrink it til it’s gone, I guess.  But it’s a process.  It will just take time.

So I’ll keep going to the gongs and searching for the light to fill that hole.  Tonight I continued with the Breathe in Love, Breath out Scott.  I also did the Ho’onopono (I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you) to myself, for the hole in my heart put there by choices I made.  I started thinking about all the people I know that have real issues to deal with and started saying it for them.

The gongs crescendo, the tsunami of sound, and I was crying, releasing the tears that I refuse to cry anymore. They weren’t for him, they were for me.

It’s just loss now.  It’s grief and loss for something I had that now I don’t.  I know Scott thinks it’s my fault I feel it, because I insisted he tell her.  But the loss happened long ago, it started over the summer during the weight of lies I was sitting in, it happened the day he told me he was going to be with her, it happened every day that he tried to engage me, after I knew about her and I had to say no.  Then it was covered up with anger, when I found out the depth of his betrayal and deception, and covered up by disgust, when I realized he did it to two of us, juggling our hearts in some cruel game.

But the anger is gone, the pain is gone.  Now there’s just loss to deal with, and to grieve.  I’ll let it come, and I’ll grieve, and I’ll fill my heart with loving people who need it, and want it.  That hole will be filled with gold one day, golden light.