3 AM Observations

After not being able to write much while my friends were here, last night I couldn’t stop. I wrote the blog, Manatees and Men, and then two poems. In between the poems, I wrote another whole post as I tried to figure out what it is that holds me back with Tim.

I realized that the whole day together we did not really laugh. And laughter is such an aphrodisiac, I so miss hanging out with someone who makes me laugh hysterically all the time. It actually has overridden the fact that I was betrayed on a grand scale, so many times. I think that’s why I kept talking to him periodically over the last year, because I wanted to laugh, and feel sexy at the same time.

I went to sleep easily last night, and didn’t wake up until about 3 AM. I knew yesterday was the anniversary of the night my mother died last year. And that also marks the beginning of Scott’s re-entry into my life. I pieced it all together like a movie in my head for a couple of hours last night, just observing all the emotion I felt then. Because I wanted to understand what the incredible attraction to him was, when he was able to so betray me, and lie to me and to Betty so easily. Why did I still feel affection for him, so many times, and let him back in? The answer to that would be the answer to why I could not feel a connection to the other nice men I’ve dated.

Scott and I had been talking the whole week before my mom died, every day, many times more than once a day. because Betty had just found out about me and this blog a week before, and was never going to talk to him again. He and I had fallen into our old routine, of talking, texting, picking up where we left off before Betty’s re-entry into his life. When my mother died, I called him.. It was late at night, I’d just hung up the phone with him and knew he was up. He offered to come just be with me the next day, so I wouldn’t have to be alone, and I was so bereft, and so grateful that he would do that. He came, and we swiftly fell into bed and a relationship again. For 3 weeks, til Betty found out, got jealous, and wanted him back. I’d known that would probably happen, that at some point she’d want him back, I understood the pattern. But I didn’t expect the attacks from him, designed to convince her that it meant nothing to allay her jealousy, when of course I knew better. Later on he confirmed what I knew, and I thanked him for that, because I’d taken so much shit about our relationship from him, and then from Betty, who in her jealousy, felt she needed to weigh in on my relationship with him. And then his cryptic messages….oh it went on. We stopped talking at all for 3 months. It’s all here in the blog over the last year.

But the point is, no matter if I was crying, or if I was furious with him, or loving him, he made me laugh. I mean, wonderful belly laughs. I once cursed him for making me cry, and then making me laugh while tears were running down my cheeks. When we broke up, he used to say the thing he missed most was hearing me laugh.

I won’t go there again with him. I am just too tired of the games that get played, of the insecurity of caring for someone I could never trust. The last time we talked, I just looked at my phone and exhaled “I am SO sick of this game.” That was the end, and I won’t start again.

But neither will I settle for someone who can’t make me laugh.

I don’t want to hurt Tim. He is a nice guy, really nice. Kind, loving, sweet. But he doesn’t make me laugh. He makes me smile, but that’s not the same. And, I think it’s too soon for him after his wife’s death. He doesn’t think so, but he has said that he really needs a woman in his life. I don’t need a man, I really don’t NEED one. I am quite happy to be alone most of the time. But I want one, I love men. I think I should call it quits with him before I end up hurting him, because I don’t see me ever feeling very amorous with him, and I know he’s heading there now. He said he has his own life that he loves, and he does, but he’s got a hole to fill. He says he NEEDS a woman. I don’t think I will ever want the job of filling a hole left by the death of their spouse.

I’m just going to keep on looking. And, to keep on loving the life I’m creating here. As I get more involved in community projects, maybe I’ll meet someone in real life, who can make me laugh hysterically. I can only hope.

But I’m going to stop obsessing over it. I know better what I want now. But I’m also very grateful for the life I’ve created, and live. It’s seriously joyful most of the time.

It’s nice to have the house to myself again this morning. I haven’t done my meditation since before the girls came for 3 days, because I need quiet, no distractions and none of them are meditators. It’s something I need to do, to keep myself centered.

I think I’ll go do that now. Love and light, all.

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Patterns

pattern

I have been thinking a lot about patterns…how easily we create them, and fall into them. And how important they become in our lives.

For instance, my morning pattern…to wake up sometime between 5 and 5:30. I have not set an alarm in years and years. Think about what we do when we wake up, get up. Get up, turn on a light, go in the bathroom, turn on the cold water faucet in the sink for my cat to get a drink, use the bathroom, brush my hair, put on my bathrobe in the winter, get my phone and glass of water from the nightstand andgo downstairs. Every morning. Same pattern. I do not even think about it. After getting my coffee, I am on the couch with the news, with my computer, my meditation, and writing for at least an hour, sometimes more. It varies only by season for me…In the warm weather, I skip the robe and am out on my deck, watching and listening as the world wakes up.

Patterns. When they are broken, it is disconcerting. Every few months I have to do fasting blood work, which means getting up and dressed and out of the house immediately, and I hate that, it so disrupts my morning patterns.

Every once in a while we are able to break patterns and create new ones. Dieting breaks eating patterns, and if you are lucky you can create new ones that are healthier for you. If someone leaves your life, it is easier if you can fill the patterns created around them with something else. Writing, or working or creating in some way. But one little wobble, the wrong food, a phone call, whatever, can slip us right back into those patterns. Maintaining new patterns requires such vigilance. Not back-sliding requires hyper-vigilance. I know I have lost and gained the same weight so many times in my life. Recently though in the last 6 or 7 months I have lost about 20 lbs, and I think the new patterns are sticking. New patterns had to be created when my relationship broke up, especially in the last two months because there was no communication. It required a lot of writing, and introspection to deal with that. I guess my readers know that, lol.

I think it might be a good idea to evaluate my patterns periodically, and see if they are serving me well. See if they align with my higher self, with the person I want to be. Try to be mindful of those that don’t serve me, and see what I can do to change them. And try to be mindful of when I am back-sliding into old patterns that don’t serve me.

Then again, patterns are part of our DNA.  Even the DNA itself is a pattern.  All of nature multiplies and divides by pattern.  We’re kind of hardwired to live by patterns, all of creation is.  Only we as humans really have a choice as to what patterns will serve us and which will not.  Ahh  free will.  And there’s a whole other blog, lol.

Love and light…..