Swimming in the Moat


It was back to work today after 10 days off.  Winter hit with a vengeance this morning.  It was 22° when I got up.  It was 16° when I came home from work at 7:45 PM, and windy after a 9 hour work day, plus an hour drive time.  I froze my ass off filling the gas tank.  It’s going to single digits tonight.  I effing hate the cold.  It’s my most unfavorite thing about winter, closely followed by driving in snow as the 2nd thing I hate the most.
I’m sitting in my pajamas watching my favorite movie, Eat Pray Love.  I tried to watch the DVD over the weekend, and my cheap DVD player is apparently no longer working.  But tonight it’s on Lifetime. It’s perfect for where I am tonight.
I’m settled in, I guess, as much as possible with the twin flame idea.  Things keep popping into my head about our relationship that just made no sense, and now they do, even if it’s in a other-worldy sense.   Like, why neither of us could really let go, why I still want to talk to him, even after all he did to me.  Like why I continued to love him so much, when he was treating me so badly.  Why I hung on when I and everyone knew he was an ass.  The attraction was undeniable.  He called it the heat.  He said, when we broke up and I didn’t want to talk to him about our sex life any more, because we didn’t have one, and it hurt me to talk about it, since his was now with Betty…..he would say, “Deb the heat will always be there between us, why fight it?” He said to me, “I’m trying to find a way to keep you in my life.”
He knew, he just didn’t know what he knew.  I was in his life, I will always be in his life.  But he didn’t know what was going on, nor did I.  But I couldn’t share the leftover bits of his life, I’ll never be able to do that with anyone.  It’s painful.  It wasn’t just me being obsessed with this man, there was so much more in play.  I felt it so intensely.
And then….there are all the lies, the huge deception. While I have a better understanding of the forces that were in play, that he couldn’t deal with, and chose to lie about, rather than face, I wonder if he’s learned the lesson that has been repeating in his life since he was young.  I wonder if he’s learned it, or is going to have another round with it, in this life or the next. I mean, those same forces were in play with me, but I made different choices.  I didn’t lead Addison on, I didn’t play anyone.  I was honest and forthright in everything I did.  I’m not bragging, or blowing my own horn.  I’m just saying, we both had the choices to make.  He chose differently.  His choices caused two women who loved him more pain than I can adequately express here.  And he knew it would, and he knew that eventually, it would come to a head.  So why….did he choose that path?  I’d so like to know, just to understand his thinking.  He is such a dichotomy.  Here he can write a beautiful poem, describing not only our relationship on the physical level, but also on a soul level.  He could tell me that he felt the connection.  We never had a bad moment together until she came back into his life.  I loved being with him.  And then….he could lie, and cheat, and deceive like he had a phd in it.  He could hurt people, me, her, indiscriminately.  He could hurt himself, and then want you to feel sorry for him.  So full of contradictions.
I wonder how his health is.  I know he’s hurting.  I know he’s sad, but I’m not at all clear if he’s learned anything from all this.  I would guess that much of the contradictions in him, come from the difference between what he knew on a soul level, and was trying to be heard, and the life experiences he had that were in complete opposition to the soul level messages.
I think about how many times he tried to convince me that he was not a good guy.  And he proved that out.  But the same number of times, I told him I saw his soul, that I loved his soul.  Why would I say that?  I’ve never told anyone else that, not my son, not my ex husband of 40 years. But with Scott, it’s all I saw.  It blinded me to his human faults, and it set me up to fall, hard, face down in the dirt, because I could only see the center that was all love.  Just like in everyone else.  He couldn’t see it, didn’t believe in it.  And all his lies and deceptions, all the pain and devastation he caused me,  don’t stop me from seeing who he is at his center.
It’s friggin painful.  I have to leave it alone, it is a discovery that he needs to make on his own.  I thought if I loved him enough, I could convince him.  But he doesn’t love himself, so no one else’s love will ever make a difference.
It doesn’t matter.  It really doesn’t.  We have a connection which I will learn to deal with, without allowing it to disrupt this life.  I was happier not knowing  who he is to me.  I was happier just thinking that I knew him from a past life, that we agreed to meet up here, for some reason.  I was happier, because I thought I would be able to let go of him eventually.
Last night I saw Marianne Williamson on OWN.  She taught that the universe is “intentional”.  That nothing happens that is not supposed to.  I guess there are lessons inside of lessons….The dealing with this situation and being able to move forward in my life, will be a lesson in itself.  Learning to feel his energy and not get lost in it, will be a lesson in itself.  If I can attract it, being able to love someone else, and still keep a place in my heart for this man, my twin….will be a lesson in itself.
I’m sure there are more.  Honestly, right now I’m thinking, my life in it’s last quarter.  I’m sick of lessons.  I really am, and they keep falling into my path.  I really just want to be happy, to have an uncomplicated, easy life.  I want to downsize, into a smaller house, into a smaller life, into a safer life, into a life filled with love.
I am watching Richard From Texas tell Liz Gilbert, “Groceries, you want to get to the castle, you got to swim the moat.”
I guess that’s about it for tonight. I think I’m in the damn moat, and I just want to stop swimming. Maybe I’ll just float on my back for awhile and look at the sky.


Night and Day

night and day

Night and Day

Each defines what the other is not.

Never able to share the same spot

Meeting at the edge of dusk and dawn

Each one knowing the other won’t be there long.

Taking turns at ending the other’s reign

Each knowing the other’s pain

Back and forth, round and round they go

Fate has determined nothing between them will ever grow.

Scott wrote this poem for me last summer at some point.  I don’t remember when exactly, but it seems like in July sometime,  and I’ve deleted the email he sent it to me in.  I published it and then took it out, because it seemed so personal, so sad, as we were drifting apart because he was seeing Betty, and I couldn’t understand why it had to be this way. 

Megan sent me a link to a blog about twin flame separation.  I gasped when I read this.

“Separation of lovers is the most epic of all. Going down in histories repeated in an uncharted numbers of ways. Even the Sun and the Moon are in love, according to the stories that humankind has told, and that all is fine, for all that there is, is a metaphor for love.

Twin Souls/Flames, United as one, separated for the purpose of becoming, only to join again, once more, as a fuller, more expanded version than ever before. Forever seeking one another, for they can never really part. The story of love, belonging and completeness indeed. To become whole is only possible when the truths of divinity are lost, for one can never be incomplete. All is a discovery of the divine within. The divine which already exists as complete. But, what fun is that? To always be same, always be the lightest, brightest, most sublime of all.

Even the Sun would forget itself if given only one option to perceive itself, eternally, from its own eyes that cannot perceive it’s own magnificent glow.

To be the light is one thing. To see what being the light among darkness means in an experiential way, is another.”

Now, I know why it had to be that way.  I know there is the twin flame thing going on.  I know that he felt it, but didn’t understand what it was then.  What he described as “fate” was because Betty was in his life, and I didn’t know it.  Nothing was going to grow, then….except, he was wrong.  It was growing.  It’s still there.  

I post it the poem now, because it lends so much validation to the fact that we are twin flames.  He describes that relationship perfectly, and describes us perfectly.  I wish I could talk to him about this, but I know he’s not in a place for that conversation.  I’ll just hold it close to my heart, and go on about my business.  There will come a day when we can talk about it. 

My friend, the medium, told me she wouldn’t wish this twin flame stuff on anyone.  It is more than painful.  It’s easier though, the more I understand it.  I see that what Scott did was part of his journey, part of the lesson he needed to learn.  It caused everyone a lot of pain, but a lot of growth. I even see now, that he was telling me a truth when he said he needed to find himself.  Not the whole truth, not even on the level he thought he did. But that statement was true, and ongoing.

Forgiveness comes with understanding.