Another weirdly warm December day today. Yesterday it was in the mid-60’s, today will be similar, but cloudy not sunny. We are all loving it. Our heat doesn’t go on, we don’t have to wear 5 layers of clothes to stay warm, my winter coat has not come out of the closet yet this year!
Awesome, just awesome.
I don’t know what’s going on with A, he was acting weird last night. He did finally text me, and quickly said “goodnight sweetie” then began to talk about his date Friday night. How she’s nicer than the last woman he dated, and how she’d invited him and his son to Christmas. I said, “Wow, on the first date….” because that actually seems a little weird to me, to ask someone on the first date to come to your home for Christmas. I will say he exudes kindness and love, but still…just seems a little needy on her part or something to me. And on his, to accept that quickly. To me, coming to someone’s home on Christmas speaks to a closer level of connection than a single date.
But then I began to think how he’s going to meet the Michigan woman in a month…and this one wants him for Christmas, and I wondered…and asked… “Did you tell her about Michigan?” Because, really…someone who is asking you to Christmas on the first date obviously likes you and I would guess she’s not thinking about being one of many partners.
He didn’t answer. At all. I have not heard since I asked the question.
Maybe he feels it’s none of my business, but we are close friends, I can ask him anything, I thought, or tell him anything. And if he’s going to get chummy with this new woman, she should know his plans. I will always advocate having the truth on the table. Anything else is just self-serving.
I’m thinking I don’t really like this new thing he’s doing, deciding that he doesn’t want to be monogamous. He said he wants to learn to share better. ??? I think it’s an idea he picked up from the Michigan woman, who last week, was “off with her other boyfriend.” Speaking from experience, it’s a recipe for disaster. When he told me that a week or so ago, I said, “I can’t do that, Addie. Scott would have loved it if I could, but I can’t.” Reminding him of the pain it caused me. It is incongruous with the man I have known for the better part of a year, for him to not be monogamous, for him not to be forthcoming about his intentions with others. I’m not jealous, I’d love for him to find someone who loves him madly. I can’t love him that way, and lord knows I tried, but it wasn’t there.
I’m afraid he’s a mess. And I still know if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, he’d give it all up…. I don’t know if he’s more hurt than he will admit by my not wanting him to come here, by my not wanting to have an intimate relationship with him and is trying to fill the hole. I’m not tuned into him like I am/was (hopefully was) to Scott. So I can’t read it that well from 2000 miles.
Well, I’m not going to obsess over it. Things change, and it seems he is too. If this path continues, we won’t be so close anymore, because I can’t admire what he’s doing at the moment. I’ll miss him, but it is what it is. I’m still grateful to have him, to have had him in my life, he’s never treated me with anything but love and respect, except for his little anomaly yesterday asking to come see me after he’s been with the MI woman. But it does show where he’s headed….not a good thing.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
Hmm, there seem to be so many layers here…
Joining the new woman for Christmas…yes, that seems quite needy on her part, but also on his. He’s desperately looking for love, connection, and will grab it with both hands when it’s offered, without actually taking time to consider whether the woman is a good match for him or not.
And then the Michigan woman… Remember ‘hurt people hurt people’… Absolutely not your fault or responsibility, but I’d say he’s dealing with some hurt over your relationship – his dashed hopes and dreams that you’d visit him, commit more to him etc. And so he’s probably turning that hurt into barriers, not letting anyone get too close, keeping his options open. And therefore avoiding getting hurt again…?
And the reason he can’t / won’t tell you this… Probably all back to his feelings for you. He’s a decent man, knows you won’t approve, and doesn’t want to create any more distance between you.
Just my thoughts… x
You are right, those are also my feelings on this. It has a lot to do with what I think was his expectation that with Scott out of the picture, we’d be together. He’s creating the distance anyway, I can’t back him on any of this, I don’t like it at all. His heart is a good heart. But he tends to react, not to think things through. I hope he can figure it out, I hate to lose him from my life. But it is what it is. Some people aren’t meant to stay in our lives.
He does seem to be being easily influenced by Michigan’s ideas about non-monogamy. Which is fine IF he told this new woman she’s not only woman he’s dating. But to do it on the sneak is crap n he should’ve known how you feel after that was EXACTLY what S did to u!! Not cool.
No, he’s not sneaking. He told her. He said she got angry but still wants to date him. That’s not my problem. It’s that I feel like I don’t know who he is. At the end of the day he’s thinking and wants to do what Scott did, albeit honestly, up front. But it’s a recipe for someone’s heartbreak, whether or not he’s telling them up front. It’s not a lifestyle I can support. But I’m struggling now, because he’s been so good to me, he’s always been there for me. But now I feel like who is he? To even think of coming to see me after seeing the woman in MI was really wrong, really inappropriate. But really, can I be close to him now? As a friend? I just don’t know. He’s not like S, but then again, he’s more like him than I ever imagined.
No he’s really not. Yes he didn’t think it through offering to come see you after her. That was a bonehead move. But he is NOT lying, cheating, using or manipulating anyone. That is a huge difference. He obviously doesn’t feel as strongly for these 2 women as he did for you. So he’s finding his way until he does. They could get their heart broken even if he dated one of them. You can’t control that, no one can. He is dating. Who knows what will happen? But I think your pain over Scott is clouding your vision. A is nothing like Scott n never will be.