Last night I missed S, to the point that it hurt.  I miss the laughter, the feeling of being tuned in to him.  I don’t even know for sure that I was, but it felt like it.  Anyway, I sent him a text telling him that I missed  him.  Also that I don’t think that changes anything, but that I just wanted him to know I missed  him.  I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings, my heart is always on my sleeve, and I wanted to be honest with him. I wanted make sure he knew where I was at, that I didn’t just, and can’t just, boot him out of my life callously.  I still, and I’m sure always will, love the man that he is.

It doesn’t change anything.  Missing him does not mean I want to go to bed with him and have him leave in the morning, or a few hours later, it doesn’t mean that I give up my desire for a whole relationship, it just means that I miss S, the man that he is, having  him in my life regularly.

This morning this brought me to thoughts about A.  I realize I am just trying to put a bandaid over the missing of S, the wound that can still bleed from time to time.  I am not ready to be intimately involved with anyone, and I am going to tell A this. That while I love him and appreciate him as a close supportive friend, I am not comfortable with the level of intimacy that he wants, that I see coming in the last few days, and that I have gone along with, because I was lonely.  I can’t allow myself to be that lonely, I can’t allow myself to use A to fill someone else’s space in my head or my heart.

Tomorrow I go to upstate NY for a few days.  I intend to do some soul searching there,, and find the right words for A.  Then I intend to get back to the healing process, of letting S go.  I hope so much that S feels free, that he is feeling like he is free to go and find what he wants.  Who knows, he may find someone else, he may find that he wants me.  But I don’t want him to be with me by default, any more than I want to be with A just because he’s available to me and loves me.

I still feel a connection with S.  I also know that he has a lot of his own work to do.  He survived cancer, he survived a break up that was painful for him.  He is ready, chronologically to retire, but has no plans because he doesn’t know what he wants to do.  I have to respect that, I have to let him go figure it out.  I am wary of being “just friends” with him, because it always immediately turns sexual, and that means different things to each of us.  For me it always will come with attachment, and that’s exactly what he doesn’t want.  And I don’t want it without attachment.

I don’t feel as pained this morning.  I am able to sit with it, and let whatever comes come, and go.  I need to deal with A soon though, I feel dishonest with him.  And I hate dishonesty.

Here’s to a better day today.  I’ve had no response from S to my text.  I unblocked him, I don’t know i I should have, but I did. Going with my gut on that, not overthinking it.  Maybe I’m ready to talk now, maybe I should talk to him before I go away.  IdK.  I will leave it be for now.

I feel like some resolution to some of my stuff is bubbling up, and that’s a good thing. Mostly, right now, I am searching for honesty, from myself the most, regarding both of these men.

UPDATE:  I told a this morning. I’m never been able to put off an unpleasant task I need to get them over with.  It turns out he’s fine with it.  He thought he was maybe going to come east and would come see me for a couple of days but his plans have changed anyway. And seriously all he’s looking for is the same thing S is, friends with intimate benefits, he’s just does a better job of presenting it.  He loves me but he’s not in love with me.  Which was of some great relief to me. I told him I’d stay in touch. That’s a load off my mind. Now if I can just sort out my feelings for S,  who I still love but need to let go of.  One down one to go.