It wrapped around me, that choke weed
With some sadness, some regret
It oozed it’s poison.
Wantin’ to kill me,
Or at least
Take me down.

Making it hard to breathe,
Dull shades of gray cast a pall over life.

Why?
Did I allow it?
Why?
Do I continue to hear the voice
In the choke weed
Telling me stories?
Accusing me.
Lies.

Why does it persist?

There’s nothing left to choke out of me.
There’s a void where I never wanted one.
But choke weed,
You gotta find new prey.
You’ve taken all I had to give.
Hang onto me and you’ll shrivel and die.

And so, it loosens it’s grip,
Because God knows,
It will watch out for itself.

I inhale, gasping at first.
Then, savoring the sweet smell of life,
The scent of joy
the balm of happiness.
I watch the choke weed…..
Choke itself.

I mourn the loss.
It never knew what it could have been.

I go to the depths
Often
To find myself,
my soul.
Wondering if I will find him there, again.
Pathways lit by millions of luminous creatures
Guiding me.
To where?
Past the place where he lies
silently waiting
For a hand to reach for his
And guide him out.

But no…..
The luminants say, no…
Everyone has to find their own way.
Each tiny pinpoint of light will reveal the path.
Anyone can walk it,
The luminants explain,
If they let go of the fear.

I can only touch my fingertips to his lips
And whisper
“love……”

I follow the trail of light they give me.
I see the creatures,
I see the demons,
I see the angels,
I see myself.

When I see myself again,
Ten thousand points of light guide me out of the depths.

He watches me go,
Thinking I abandoned him.
Afraid, to find his own way.
Not trusting the ten thousand points of light
That want to assuage his suffering.

I smile at him.
And keep rising.

I dug all night.
I was still digging when first dawn broke.
Rain falling,
And cold.
Tears falling,
They were cold too.
Shivering, in the early dawn hours
I was beginning to see
And not feel
And I knew the time was running out.

The dirt in clumps,
Under my fingernails,
Bugs crawling,
Worms squirming.
I was undeterred.
I wanted it back.

And then
The clouds parted and
Daylight broke.
A ray of light through the trees
Illuminated the hole and
I found it.

I found it.

I FOUND IT.

I’ll take better care of it,
And not give it away
To the darkness again.

Digging in the dark
Looking for something I lost
In the dusk
Of a hazy evening,
Or maybe it was the dawn.

I can’t remember when.
I’m not sure where.
It’s buried though.
Deep, I fear.

I haven’t missed it
Much.
Then the day will go down.
It will roll up backwards
Hang me upside down
And I’ll be looking in the dark.

The size, the shape, the color
Escape me now.
I only remember the feel
In the dark.

The gentleness, the wholeness.
The way I knew who I was….
When I had my heart.

So, I dig, in the dark.
The hours between dusk and dawn.
When feeling is easiest
because blindness is natural then.

Sleeping fitfully.
Energy cords wrap around me
Beckoning me to come,
To investigate.
Like an electric shock they wake me
Stir me out of my night blindness
In a blinding moment.

I open my eyes, and without taking a breath,
Without a conscious thought, in one continuous movement
Wake up, roll over, pick up the silent phone,
Silent, so that it will not wake me,
Laying on the nightstand next to me.
I read the alerts….
Yes, there it is,
3 minutes before.

It woke me anyway, without making a sound.

Connection runs strong.
Whether I want it to be
Or not.
And usually not.
But I have no choice.
There it is…..waking me up
Searching for me.
And I for it.

I can’t ask why,
There are no answers
At least,
None that make sense to me.
Sheer human that I am.
It scares me.
I must quell my insatiable need to understand
The world around me.
The world within me.
The world I see
The world I can’t see.

And the energy that reaches for me in the night.

Why did you come?
Did you just want to ply the waters
And see if fish still swam deep?

Did you want to taste the depths
One last time
Before the boat sank forever?

Did you want to feel the ecstasy,
To see if the slippery salinity
Was real?

Or did you want to drown,
And be reborn
In the unconditional undulations
Of the endless blue?

I was pliable, in your hands.
I could bend and gyrate with the waves
For you.
To find yourself.
To find me.
I was free,
I was easy.
I was yours
For as long as you wanted me.

It wasn’t long enough.
I swim alone,
Looking for a life preserver.
Or a dolphin to take me safely to solid ground.

You…I lost sight of.
You may have succumbed.
You may have been rescued.
Or maybe you found your way to a distant shore.

The sea is vast.
The time was short.
Forgotten,
Like yesterday’s tide.
We came together
Momentarily.
And we washed away.

You come at me from all sides
Above
Below
Behind
Before
From outside
From inside

God how I lust
How I lavish
No holds barred
I cut myself loose
And give it all to you.

Craving your scent
Your touch
Your gaze
Your passion
Your quiet words
Your breath on my neck.

I jump at the chance
To love like that again

Sweetness and sour
Spicy and bland
There are tropics
In your hair,
There are stormy seas
In your eyes.

To love
Like there is no tomorrow
Cuz there might not be.

I won’t waste time,
Will you?

At the end of the day it was over.
No more tears,
No more laughter.
No more late night
or early morning texts.
No more evenings on the deck telling secrets.
You couldn’t keep them anyway.
No more love in the afternoon,
No more standing on the shore looking for sundogs.
No more sitting at the point
Trying to figure out life.
No more contrived peace at the chapel.
No more rides in the car getting lost.
Lost in each other sometimes.
Nothing.

Nothing was left.

Gone with the setting sun,
Gone with the ebbing tide.
The lies
The deceptions
The twisting of the truth
All thrown in the water.
Let the moon drag them out to sea.
Let the sea wash them clean.

Let the sea wash me clean,
Clean of every thought of you.
Every dream,
Every memory.
Every hurt.
Every dirty little secret.

Let the sea wash me clean.
Let it take the tears I wasted,
Let it take the love I lavished
Wantonly,
Thoughtlessly,
Effortlessly,
And mix it with the one great thing
And heal me.

When one day
Your last fretful breath
Runs through me like an electric shock,

Because it will,

I won’t cry.
I won’t say goodbye.
I’ll remember your ice cold blue eyes,
and know they are.

I’ll just go on,
Go about my business.
No more than a momentary pause
To remember you
And who you are
And what you did.

I’ll just go on
Knowing you’ve already had more of me
Than you ever deserved.

I won’t visit your grave with flowers.
I won’t remember you fondly
For a second.
I’ll still wish that fate
Had been kinder to me
And left you out of my life.

I won’t cry for you.
I won’t kiss you goodbye.

I may dance, a little dance
For the other women who won’t be hurt again.
I may sigh a long sigh
Of relief
That you can’t hurt me again.

No, I won’t cry.
At the end of the day,
I’ll stand in the sunset
With gratitude
that you got no more of me.

No tears.
No sadness.
No nothing.

Nothing at all.

I won’t cry.

Laughing…..
She runs up the stairs.
He follows, slower…
He finds her skirt laying on the floor outside the door.
Her lacy camisole tossed in the chair.
In the bed,
only her hair was splayed across the soft blue comforter..

He heard a giggle.
Soft, and musical.
He lay down beside her
Put his nose in her hair
Sighing in the sweet scent of her.
He wondered,
she wondered,
How they had found each other
Again.

The thick comforter slid off her shoulder,
As she turned to face him.
His hands brushed her hair back from her face
And then slid down the soft rounds and curves of her body.
She searched until she found the landscape she dreamed of.
Familiar tingling as their touch connected something deep inside,
Remembering.

What wondrous things then happened
As limbs tangled,
Breaths joined.
Hearts beat in a duet.

Wonder….in the moments
Wonder….in the touch
Wonder….in the delight
Wonder….in desires manifested, satiated

Wonder in the connection which brought them together
Body, mind, and soul
Again.