I went out with my friend to a little neighborhood bar, with live music last night. The music was good. The place wasn’t too crowded. Talked to a few locals there. Danced a little.. The same guy who asked us to his party on Sunday was there and asked us again. He gave us a card, like a pass to get in. We’re definitely going. There will be lots of people there, maybe we will meet some new people. It’s byob, and bring a dish. Bring a chair. He said there will be a lot of fireworks. I told him I used to live across the lake, and we always watched the fireworks over his way. Fireworks are not legal, but the authorities turn their heads, and allow folks who live on the lake to shoot them at the water. So the lake is rimmed by different displays. We used to shoot quite a few when I was married. We’d go to New Hampshire where there is more stuff legal than here, and spend a could hundred bucks.

The party guy, I’ll call him K, was sitting next to me at the bar, I had on a short skort (you know, a skirt with shorts under) and sitting down, there was a lot of thigh,lol. He bumped into my leg accidentally and said, OH My God,you have legs! And was laughing. He rubbed my thigh for a second and then said, feel my face, nice close shave. I did…laughing. My legs probably had 48 hrs worth of stubble,lol. I told him, they’ll be shaved Sunday for your party, lol.

Anyway, it was really nice to get out and mingle, relax, catch up with my friend.

I have another showing on the house today. I want to get excited about it, but will just go through my routine of bringing in welcoming energy, hoping people feel good. It’s a beautiful day here, that always helps I think.

Felt like I let all that kind of angst I’ve had over the last few days go. It doesn’t matter. It was real at the time, and that I know. Whatever he did to it…he did to himself. I would like to think that he learned something from all this chaos he created. But honestly….I don’t. Both times he’s left her, she being the one he “loves”, he has wanted to run to my bed. And since I was the one he was with that caused her to leave, it doesn’t seem to me, that he is loving her very well at all. I don’t think he’s changed at all, I don’t think I changed him at all. He still watches out for Scott, and Scott only. And when he doesn’t get what he wants, at least from me, gets angry and ugly. It’s too bad, I would have liked to stay friends, but not on his terms. I still say I love him, always, but also will say that he has to stay out of my life completely. Her brings me nothing but pain, and I’ve had enough. I’m quite comfortable with that.

I decided I’m not dating at all until I get to Florida. I need a rest from it. I find men to be either narcissistic, selfish, or boring, and weird. I will have more fun hanging out with my friends than with men. At least, the men on line. If I should meet someone in real life, like at that party, and hit it off, I could maybe date. Whatever. Just not important to me right now. Just want to get this house sold and moved.

So begins the holiday weekend. Love and light everyone.

Love comes and love goes 

In daylight or darkest night

Blessed to have felt it. 

It woke me again last night, but not for as long. It’s assimilating, the one more lie, maybe the final piece of the puzzle that I needed to put it all away. He is who he is. I think maybe he thinks everything he feels or does is wrong so he lies about it as a matter of practice. It’s what he learned. I get what happened. He could have told me then, but that’s what I mean about not being able to stand in his story.

I was still devastated over the prison whore, back then, in February of last year. I could barely think of him without crying, or anger. He needed someone to take him to the  hospital and he doesn’t have many people. I am sure he asked her to take him when I wasn’t talking to him. Then couldn’t undo it when we began talking again. He should have told me she was coming the next morning. I get though, that we’d just been through the prison whore, he wasn’t going to add to that pain by telling me he’d asked her when I wasn’t talking to him. I only decided I needed to go to him a couple of nights before.

I don’t think they got back together then, because I was seeing him all the time. It was just the first seed planted. It didn’t germinate for a couple of months. But the die was cast. He got a taste then, for deception of me and her. I’m sure he didn’t tell her about me. I’m sure she had no idea. She thought he had no one. He wasn’t about to say, I have someone who would take me but I just screwed a prison whore and she won’t talk to me right now, lol.

It’s whatever. It is what it is. He makes bad decisions, lies to cover them up, lies because he is just used to lying about everything and creating his own house of cards. It came crashing down on him, hard. It crashed on me too, and her. But she and I can get up and move on. He’s stuck in the rubble because he created it, he designed it, it was all his. We were just players, and now play a different role.

I’ve always been his mirror. He has to look at himself with me, and he hates that. But he also knows that I see beauty in him that he can’t see, so I think he’s always come back for more. Thus the push pull of our relationship. Maybe he’ll stop now, after the last weak foray to reclaim his place in my psyche. It cost him again, and maybe he’ll tire of it.

I’m good this morning. I’m going out with a friend tonight, that will be fun and a good way to end the week. We have a 3 day weekend, and I’m hoping to get to the beach one of the days. The friend I’m going out with is the one who was with me when the drunk guy at the bar asked us to his party on July 3. So tonight, maybe we’ll decide to go, lol. Might be fun. I’m sure there will be a ton of people there. I was telling my hairdresser about it, she does his hair. She said, “go….he may not remember asking you but he certainly won’t care if you come….” LOL.

It’s a thought.

So, probably no writing tonight, but I’ll be back in the morning.

Love and light all….

As the day progressed today, I knew that my intuition was correct about Scott’s surgery a year and a half ago. I put all the pieces together, and I know I’ve uncovered the truth. It casts a pall over a beautiful memory, one of the very few untainted memories I had, but I feel like at least I know the truth. I can deal with the truth. I’ll sleep well tonight. He’s the one who should lose sleep over the lies he told me and her. Imagine, he has her picking him up, hours after having a beautiful night with me. Lying to both of us, equally.

But I know, and I’m sure she does, it’s the best he can do. He is just incapable of raising his level of consciousness to understand the effects of the devastation he wreaks. And he’s way too much of a narcissist to care. He began weaving his intricate web of deception, purposefully back then. The universe dealt with it. I hope that I never talk to him again. Betty….I don’t think she’s there yet. But the sheer volume of deception he practiced on 2 women that absolutely loved him beyond all reason, will someday lead her home, I feel sure. I pray for her, really, that he’s not able to do it to her again. I can pray equally as hard that he is able to get off the destructive path he’s on. She and I have lives that are rich and full, without him. His…..not so much. But, it’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of looking in the mirror, not liking what you see, and dealing with it. I don’t think he’s up to it.

I have been his mirror, ever since we met. I’ve made him look at himself. He rarely liked what he saw and railed against the reflection. But I loved him in spite of the demons that glared back at him. He still can’t stand the glare. But he loves the fact that he’s loved anyway. I think it’s a new concept for him, although he gets some of that from her I think. I think she is capable of it. I think he’s not.

Just my never to be humble opinion.

Anyway, I feel good tonight. I can love, beyond limit and I’m happy about that. Scott was just practice at that. I am trusting my intuition and I like doing that. My son and his friend made me dinner tonight. The best tacos I’ve had in ages, and I sat on the deck with a glass of wine while they cooked. It was so nice out. It was hot today, almost 90 but cooling off nicely this evening. I am not frantic about the house, I know it will happen, when it should. And when I get to Florida I’ll begin a new life. Scott can stew in his misery or do what ever he can to climb out of it. It won’t involve me. I’ll wish him the best, I’ll send him my love and I’ll find happiness, love, all of it. I know this will happen.

I love having the pieces of the puzzle in place. I love knowing what happened, so I can move forward and not give it more than a momentary thought again. And those will come to me less and less frequently, and only make me shake my head. Not make me cry.

Love and light.

I had a real dark spot last night, at 3 am. (Thus my haiku Torment.)  Betty told me that she began to reconnect with S in February of last year. In February, he had hernia surgery. February 11. Evn though he had done the prison whore only a few weeks before, I ran to his house the night before surgery, and stayed with him. I didn’t want him to go into the hospital having no one. I wanted him to know he wasn’t alone, even though he’d done that to me. He wouldn’t let me go with him.  Maybe she was taking him for all I know.  He told me his son was, and that a man from work was bringing him home the next day.  Maybe it was her too.  Maybe that’s why he was so nervous when I got stuck in the snow in his driveway the next morning, because she was coming to get him.

We both always said that was one of our most beautiful nights together.

Afterward, though I realized how hurt I still was over the prison whore. Addison wanted to see only me, and I needed to get away from the drama, so I didn’t see Scott for awhile. Maybe a month. Then I went to Florida, Addie dropped me at the airport in the early morning. But in Florida, all I could think of was Scott. When I saw a dolphin swimming the first person I wanted to tell was him. We began talking. I would walk the beach every day and call him, even though he was at work, he’d take a break. He wanted pics of where I was, so he could imagine. We talked and texted every day.

When I came home 5 days later, Addie was picking me up at the airport, I’d left my car with him. Scott begged me not to let him sleep with me (he was picking me up at midnight), though I knew Addie assumed he would. I said, “we won’t have sex…it will be late.” Scott said, “even sleeping together is intimacy. Please….don’t….”

So when Addie picked me up at midnight I told him that I was going to see Scott the next night, that I felt we had unfinished business and that I didn’t feel right sleeping together until I knew what was going on. And broke Addie’s heart for the first time.

Scott came over the next night, he explained in terms I could understand about the prison whore. I believe still, that that was the truth. And I forgave him. We made up, he said then, that he was no longer going to put a wall up between us, that he was open to whatever happened. He said other things that were all I’d ever dreamed of hearing.

The weeks following were the best of our relationship. He treated me lovingly, sweetly, exactly the way I’d dreamed of all those months. There was no push pull for that brief time. I fell more in love with him than ever, and thought that he was falling too. He said, all the time, how I scared him because he had feelings for me he didn’t expect. He said, “I said I didn’t want to be in love, I didn’t say I wasn’t.”

When his best friend died, he began to withdraw, some 5 or 6 weeks later. I assumed it was grief over losing a friend of 40 years. After I found out about Betty, I always thought that she came back into his life then, she’d known the friend too, and thought that’s when they reconnected.

But in her email, she said how they’d reconnected in February of that year, and how she wished he’d just told her about me, and she would have walked away happy for him.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and was thinking about all this, and the time line and realized that if he began seeing her in February, when I was with Addie, that all of that was a lie, all of that tender, honest loving. All the parts I held onto just to convince myself that it was real at some point. I don’t know when she even saw him, I was with him on the weekends, I saw him often during the week too.

But I guess he found the time.

So…those were the thoughts in the dark tormenting me last night. This morning, I accept that there is, was, nothing real about our relationship. That doing prison whore actually marked the end of our relationship. Maybe the night I went to him, before his surgery was real. I hope so. I hope there is something real that I can look back on and isolate as truth from him.

I wish I could say that it doesn’t hurt, but it does. Each revelation comes back to haunt me, that I gave so much to someone who was just playing. It s a picture I don’t want to look at. I told Betty this story. I told her at the time, well, it’s just one more lie on top of a pile of them, I think I’m immune the the pain it causes now. I told her, so she would have the full story too, the one I’m sure he never told her.

I haven’t heard from her since, but I am guessing that they are trying to work it out, I am guessing that my story may have caused her some pain too, even though that was not my intent. I like her, I know she has been just as devastated as me by this man. I am grateful that the communication has stopped between he and I because I just need to get away from it. There’s no healing when he’s lurking on the periphery of my life. I still feel his energy, it’s hard enough as it is. Even if I don’t see him, because I refuse as I did 10 days ago, it’s hard. It all comes flooding back with the sound of his voice.

Morning came, and I feel some distance from it. I think being up in the night and allowing myself to feel the pain, allowed me to get through the pain. Sitting with my sadness. It’s the only way sometimes. I’m not immune to it after all.

Love and light.