The party was fun. Not as many people as we thought maybe 30. We expected 100, since he asked us and didn’t even know us. My friend brought an old boyfriend who is back in town for awhile. They have been on and off for 10 years. He’s a nice enough guy most of the time, though he can go off the deep end occasionally, which is why they keep splitting up.

Anyway, we had fun. We met some people. The host, K, is a twin, and we met his twin brother, who has a son who played hockey like my son, and just stopped playing. He was playing for the same team as my son’s last team. We had a lot in common, lol. He has a younger son who plays soccer. Nice man. I don’t think he was married, because there was no woman with him and his son.

I have to say, it was nice getting some appreciative looks from men my age, and to have then start up actual conversations too, lol. Been awhile!

K had an amazing fireworks display on the lake. He told us he makes a lot of his own. He was in demolition in the Marines. But he also spent, I’m gonna say, $1000 on fireworks. They seemed almost like professional grade at times. I tried to take pictures, but it’s hard to catch them. I tried to upload a video that was pretty good, but WP says I need to upgrade my account to upload video.  You’ll just have to take my word for it,  lol.

I’d forgotten how much fun the 4^th is on the lake. It was a calm perfect night, about 70°. cruLots of boats cruising around checking out the different display. They were going off all around the perimeter of the lake, which is about 600 acres. I didn’t see much coming from my old neighborhood though, across the lake.

It wasn’t a late night, we got home about 10:45. I tried to write, but was tired and had had a couple of drinks, so just kind of stared at the page. Decided I’d get some sleep before I tried to write about it, lol. Next weekend there is a huge fireworks display on the Thames River in New London, where my boat slip is. That’s always fun to go to. My friend and I were planning it already, and her boyfriend may come too. If they are still talking, lol.

Another perfect day in store here. We actually need some rain, the forest fire danger is quite high. It’s been some time since we’ve had a soaking rain. But honestly, it never gets too dry here…and I love this weather. Being able to be outside all day, comfortably.

So nice to have a 3 day weekend. I’m going to make BBQ ribs for my son and I, and whoever else he invites, lol. There will probably be another round of fireworks on the lake tonight, since it’s the actual 4^th. But most people had their parties yesterday, since we all have today off.

Hope you all have a wonderful day, a wonderful holiday if you’re in the US.

Love and light.

This morning I was perusing the feed on my Living Like Water Facebook page. I have ignored it for far too long. I get such good feed from so many pages there.

There was a post from Spirit Science about finding your spirit animal, which I shared. I thought about mine. I’ve thought it is a dolphin for a long time. There’s a reason, lol.

In March 2015 I was sitting in a waterfront restaurant close to my sister’s house. I was telling my brother-in-law that I had never seen a dolphin in the wild. He was fairly incredulous, considering the number of times I’ve been to his house. Momentarily, like within a minute or two, I looked up to see a dolphin dive right in front of me, pointing at me. As if, saying, “here I am, I heard you.” I gasped, “Oh my God, there’s one right there!” Pretty soon everyone in the restaurant was up, getting closer to the water, taking pictures of it as it put a show on for us, for about 5 minutes or so. Then it swam out the channel and back into the Gulf of Mexico.

I don’t believe in coincidences, which is probably another whole blog. But I do believe that a connection existed, between me and the dolphin on another level entirely, for the dolphin to appear immediately upon my wistful statement that I’d never seen one.

This description of the spiritual meaning of a dolphin comes from www.spiritanimal.info

The dolphin spirit animal represents harmony and balance. Dolphins are both highly intelligent and closely in tune with their instincts, striking a balance between the two states. Dolphins are also a symbol of protection and of resurrection. Their playful nature is a reminder that everyone needs to approach life with humor and joy. People who identify with the dolphin totem are usually peaceful and gentle, but with a deep inner strength.

Life can be pretty amazing.

Namaste.

All that angst last night….I guess it still comes in waves at times, much farther between than before. But I got through that wave, and the seas seem really calm today. The way I LOVE the sea, blue blue, and not a ripple on it.

I woke up singing Avalon of the Heart. By Van Morrison. It’s my mantra, it’s my place in Florida. Mythical magical place of healing and new beginnings.

Today, I don’t miss him. I don’t even love him today. I think about his ability to be cruel, and selfish and deceptive and I can’t find a redeeming quality that would make me want him. Not one. So what if he could make me laugh? Lots of people can make me laugh, it’s not that hard, and won’t try to balance it with ugliness the way he does.

Phew, I made it through.

I am so looking forward to going out tonight to this party. We used to throw a family bash on the lake when my son was young, and shoot lots of fireworks. It was our favorite holiday as a family. Even my ex could be a normal human being then, because he LOVED the fireworks. Then we’d all sit out on the lawn and watch the displays from all over the lake. Lord knows how people procured some of them, they seemed like the kind you’d see at a display. I remember one year our neighbor had some of those, huge ones with the loud report, and after the smoke cleared from the launch, people were yelling, “Yep, your dock is still there….” It will be fun.

I haven’t gotten feedback from yesterday’s house showing. I’m guessing because it’s a holiday weekend, they may have had somewhere to go immediately afterward. Or something. Maybe they’ll put it through today. It’s an app on my phone, they send me notices about the showings and I confirm them through the app, and then they post feedback after the appointment.

Such a gorgeous morning this morning. Low 60’s, and clear blue sky, no humidity. It feels so nice to sit on the deck at 6 am in my nightgown, feeling the cool air on my skin, and at the same time the warmth of the rising sun. Perfect day to feel joyful.

So I’ve posted this before, but feeling like I need to again. Avalon of the Heart, by Van Morrison.

Love and light.

I’ll be frank, I’m missing him tonight, and today. But I will just miss him. Because….

1. He would just ignore contact from me, while getting his narcissistic supply.
2. My son would kill me, and then I would kill me for being so weak.
3. He’s most likely with B, trying to convince her that he loves her and has changed, and she’s trying to believe him. That needs to come to it’s own conclusion. I keep thinking at some point she will see that a man who tries to bed the same woman who caused her to leave him in the first place, within days of her leaving, doesn’t love her. Or anyone. Except himself. And that’s a pretty shallow love.
4. He hasn’t changed. He would use me when it was convenient for him, he would throw me under the bus when it was not. Funny, B said to me that I’ve changed him. I wanted to laugh. Yes, I taught him he wasn’t devious enough not to get caught. At least, not devious enough not to get caught by me. He still lies. 2 Weeks ago, 10 voice mails, at least 3 or 4 of them (I didn’t listen to all of them) almost begging to come over, and sit on the deck with me, and talk, or stargaze. Code for going upstairs after and having sex. Later in a text, after I said NO, he said he was joking. I said, No, Scott, you were not. I have the voice mails. Lies, lies, lies. He still can’t stand in his story. He still hustles for his worthiness with everyone he knows. Even still me, when I can see right through him. Right through to the soul he denies he has.
5. Funny, the only thing I ever tried to teach him was that he had value, was worthy of love, just because he exists. He chooses not to learn that lesson. He continues on the path of self-destruction.

So, like I told him, when he messaged me through the blog that is now private, from me, lol, since I was the only one who read his 2 1-sentence blogs, “It’s easier to miss you than to be with you.” It’s easier for me to love him than to hate him. But it’s also easier never to see him, than to give him another chance to turn my life inside out.

And then again, when I spell it out to myself, like this, I don’t miss him anymore. He can’t hurt me from here. And even less so when I finally get moved into my new home. I look forward to that day.

I’ll lay in the hot steamy Florida sunshine, and let the tropical air sweat the last remnants of him out of me. And when I am cleansed, I’ll open the door, and let real love come into my life. Like he’s never dreamed of, like he’ll never have, like he could never give.

Love and light, all.

This is a wonderful site…This just hit home. Check him out, very worth the time.