Today was a good day. I woke up pretty happy.  Feeling pretty sure I am on the road to what I want.  You know, just feeling like I have more of myself back than I’ve had in a long time.

I spent the day training my replacement today.  I will be doing that every day for probably 2 months at least.  I think she will make it, although she wants to wear suits and heels.  Not the kind of job for that, but we’ll see.  She seems to have the temperment for the job anyway, and likes dealing with customer service.

She told me at one point that I reminded her of a friend, she said, “just your personality, she’s like always happy….” !!! For someone to meet me and for me find out that’s what my energy feels like to her, was wonderful. Like confirmation that the dark days are over for me.

I got some emails from the man who sent me the fb request. He sent me some of his writing. He’s hard driving, raw, truthful….honest….I like it, for the most part. Very male, masculine stuff. I sent him some of my more recent stuff, way different than his. Except both are truthful and honest. No fairy tales from either of us. No bullshit. I told him about my blog, but didn’t give him a link, smart girl that I am now. It’s refreshing to talk to a man who isn’t afraid to lay it on the table, warts and all. It’s nice, because I think we will stay only friends, no more. Though never say never, but the fact that I’m moving kind of puts a damper on anything else, so I’d just rather leave it as is. I need a break from relationship stuff, really. Gotta rest my weary heart before I think about putting it out there again. It seems he and I have plenty to talk about, and no one is looking to make any demands. It’s all good.

Not bad for a Monday. Feeling tired, but real. Love and light…

I was thinking about when he came to see me the day after my mother passed. How he’d been so sweet on the phone, how he’d said he wished he could just hold me. Crying, bereft, I just wanted to feel some close connection and I was so glad, after all those painful months when he deserted me, to have him close again.

Now I look back, I see that he was there for his own interest. That supporting me was only done to help him get what he wanted. What he could not get from her in all those months when he dedicated himself to her. But she couldn’t give him. He molded himself into what I needed that day, and got what he wanted. For the next 3 weeks, until he’d made her sufficiently jealous that maybe she’d try to give it to him.

He took from me. He gave me nothing. He took advantage of the fact that when I love, I give all I have.

I don’t love him now.

Maybe she figured it out. Maybe she didn’t. The vindictive evil part of me hopes no one ever gives it to him again. I know I was the only one who could, but that may have changed now. Regardless, it was all about him, his pleasure, and getting what he wanted. At someone’s expense, usually mine.

He’s a disgusting, evil man. I believe him now, when I hear those words from his own lips in my memory. It’s a choice he makes, like all the other evil men and women who have walked the earth. To leave the world a less beautiful place than it was when they got here. He does it pridefully. If it were otherwise, he would not do it, he would have chosen differently.

He is currently being eradicated from my life. He will not leave me less of a woman, a person, a child of God than I was. I will use the lessons he taught me to become more, and he can’t stop that. All he can do is watch me go, or close his blind eyes. He will be, in the end, just a wrong turn I took, from which I found my way back, to a richer fuller life than I ever had before, or would have had with, him.

I am free of the bonds with which he had my heart entangled.

Free……

Love and light, all.

Whew! Now that I got that off my chest (see last blog…LOL). Feeling a lot freer than ever before. Let him try to contact me. Who the fuck cares. Delete delete delete.

In other news….

I had a lovely day today. I got my herbs planted in my teeny herb garden. I cut back the thyme and lavender, which just takes over the garden. Lemon balm does too, I grow that to make tea. The lavender I just have to have the smell waft up to the deck when I’m sitting out there. And the bees love it.

Then a friend came over whose son is getting married in July. They want to have malas, the bride and groom, and I told her I’d string them for her. We have to see if we can get the beads from somewhere though. We talked about our book for book club. We talked about the stress of moving, my big list, how I think my stomach issue is still all about that. And she has the stress of this wedding, and she works, and her daughter is getting divorced, and she is so close to her step granddaughter now, and how hard that is. Her daughter is pretty much a mess.

We all have our problems. We are good support for each other though. We talk, we listen, we try to solve them through the same kind of avenues. It’s so lovely to have friends who just come over, and sit and talk for a couple hours, and lovelier that we can sit on the deck now. It was warm enough today, after it quit raining. I’ll miss that in Florida. I’ll have to do it on the phone, lol.

But I won’t miss the cold, or the snow, or work. Or the men here who tried to kill my spirit.

I got a FB friend request from a man I talked to last year, when S was playing one of his games with me. We talked for about a month on and off, and then I was back with S, and let it fade away. Nice guy. Good looking. A writer, like myself. It was nice to hear from him. He’s writing poetry now he says, and said he will send me some. Told him I’ve fallen in love with haiku. We had a pleasant conversation. He’s envious of my Florida move lol. As I recall, we had some pretty intense, kind of intimate conversations back then, not like I had with Scott, but intimate, beyond the surface. He and I never met, but who knows, maybe we will. Might be fun. Talking to him was always a nice diversion.

I have a chicken apple meatloaf in the oven. Wrapped in bacon, lol. Bacon makes everything better, right? Seasoned with parsley and lemon thyme out of my herb garden. I made chicken salad yesterday, used my chives from the garden. I get a real kick out of that. I wish I had time for a bigger garden, but maybe in FL, where the growing season is year round.

Tomorrow I start training my replacement at work. I feel like she’s jumping into a mess…I’m so far behind, but that’s the way it is with that job, so I guess she might as well figure that out from the beginning. Gonna be an exhausting day. I can do it. I’ve been sleeping well lately. No sleep robbing issues. My stomach is still a problem, but it’s being managed now at least. I see the dr on Friday, and she’ll probably send me to a gastro guy. My medicare starts June 1, so all that will be way cheaper for me.

Gotta fill out the forms for my mother’s estate tonight and mail them tomorrow, and check that off my list of stuff. Good to put things in the “done” column. Some big today, some small today. But “done” though.

Love and light.

For 3 days now, my stats have been about double normal stats, because someone is reading my old blogs, from last summer, when my relationship with S was beginning to unravel.  I’m talking about maybe 100 old blogs. All on this one subject. Mostly, on my pain. Now…I have no way of knowing who is reading them.  I have my ideas but I could be totally wrong.

A lot of them I didn’t remember until I read them. A lot of those I skimmed. The poems I read. Some of the blogs I read, and my jaw dropped in wonder, amazement, bewilderment, at how oblivious I was. Of course, hindsight is always perfect. But I plowed through them.

I think I needed to see for myself, again. And this time my reaction was “Why in the world did you love this asshole so much? And why did you have such a hard time when it ended?” I am so far from that place now. Now I look at the whole thing, knowing the whole story, and can’t stand him. He was just a scumbag. No other word for it. I keep trying to find some redeeming quality, but it was all a lie. Everything about him that I admired, was a lie, it was a front he put on for me. OMG, the lies piled on top of lies. And not only to me, but to her. More to me. She was just oblivious, she had no idea she had anything to worry about. He didn’t have to outright lie to her. He just had to withhold information from her. He fooled her better than me. He made her believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that she was the only one, she was secure in that knowledge. Except he was coming to see me on a regular basis. Talking to me, texting with me, sexting with me all day…every day. Our relationship was intense, and involved. He was a huge part of my life even when I didn’t see him. I doubt seriously that more than a couple hours ever passed without some form of communication, except while we slept. And even then…I often would awaken in the night to texts asking if I was up. Which is why he was able to keep me believing.

But even so…I kept asking him to let me go. I didn’t want to see him on such a limited basis. Told him if that was what he wanted he should go see the prison whore, he has her number. But he wouldn’t let me go. When it all came apart, in November, he held off for a couple months, while he wove a web for her. Telling her lies about me. Making her believe I was some crazy woman with a good imagination. But as soon as the web began to choke her and she fought her way out, he ran to me again. And did it to me again. Lies lies and more lies. Ugly. Low life. Despicable. And that time, she wanted to believe him again. He used her jealous nature, and me, and sucked her in. He’s like a fucking magician, his ability to make us both believe nothing but lies. I think she’s free now. I hope she is. She deserves better that to be blindsided by this sick fuck.

God, It is really unbelievable.

It’s no wonder he’s scared of my son, and of her brothers. He knows he deserves to get punched in the face and beat for what he did. My son would never do that to a 68 year old man. Her brothers might from what he told me.

Whoever is reading the old blogs did me a real favor, because I plowed through them too, and if I was gonna get triggered so be it. That too would tell me something. But I wasn’t. The more I read, the more disgusted I became. And not with myself. I was in love, I was honest, I was truthful, I was loving, I was there for him, every fucking day. I felt sorry for the woman I was last summer. Naive, and stupid, but crazy in love and not deserving of any of it. Right now, the idea of seeing him, or talking to him, doesn’t upset me, it doesn’t hurt me, it makes me cringe. Creepy crawlies. He belongs in a prison for committing heinous emotional crimes to someone who loved him purely, unconditionally, guilelessly.

Well…I don’t now. One day I may get back to the unconditional love I aspire to, that I’ve always claimed. Maybe one day I’ll be able to forgive him again. Maybe I’ll be able to pray for him again one of these days. But right now, he is the kind of person I would run from if I met him. I would cross the street and walk a mile out of my way to avoid his ugly aura coming near me.

I may have a problem with the way I feel, because I have always had this energetic connection with him. But right now, I can feel it and say, in complete honesty, “Fuck that. Who cares.”

I don’t care how hard his fucking life was. He chose to be this way. He chose the dark side. He chose to hurt people who loved him without limit, he chose to play people with lies and deceptions and I bet he fucking had fun while he did it. I bet he went to bed, and lay there laughing at what he was getting away with. It will be another of his outrageous stories he can tell to the next woman. Kind of like the one where he told me when he was young and doing landscaping and he did a mother and daughter together. Now he can tell the next unlucky sucker how he did one of us on Wednesday and one on Saturday and we were clueless.

Fuck him, really.

Seeing really clearly today. Not creeped out at all by someone reading the old blogs. I hope it was Betty who read them, to get a good picture of what he did to her for 6 months. She can think that she was the one he really loved if she wants to…but you tell me. Who did he really love?

Scott. And ONLY Scott. Everyone else just worked for him, filling holes.  Well, I quit that job.  I hope she did too.

Love and light all..

The reading of old blog continued today.  It surprises me that I often only wrote when things were tough.  When they were good between us, when I saw him, I kept it to myself.  Reading the old stuff makes it sound as if I never saw him anyway, like there was nothing going on between us except arguing over stuff, or not speaking.  I didn’t write at all about the nights he came to see me, or afternoons, never of the stuff we did together.  I kind of felt it was sacred, just our stuff, I didn’t want to share it with the world.  But it gives a one sided view, I think, of our relationship.  Not that it matters now, just something I find interesting.  I could share the pain, but did not want to share the pleasure.

I had wanted to paint my deck this weekend, but it’s looked like rain all afternoon and is supposed to rain, so instead I took a nap, I made some chicken salad.  I went to the grocery store.   And now I’m watching the Preakness to see if Nyquist wins the 2nd leg of the triple crown.  Nope, didn’t win.  No triple crown this year.

My son is off today, and mowed my lawn this morning.  Then he has been bouncing in and out, with friends, going out.  I will miss his energy when I go to Florida.  I hope I make some energetic friends, who can add that back into my life.  Maybe not quite so chaotic, lol.  But I’m home alone a lot when he’s here, like tonight, so it won’t be all that much different when he’s not living with me.

Just thinking out loud tonight.  Odds and ends, is all.