Reading old stories,
Memories weigh my eyes down.
I’d rather not see.
Waiting Today
Well, people saw the house, liked it, said the price is too high. Same as last time. But I think, hey it’s slightly under what I paid for it! You know an offer is going to come in at under the asking price. If they think it’s too high, why not make an offer at what they think it should be? I don’t get it. But I’ll talk to my realtor sometime this weekend.
I’m very tired today. Need to take a nap I think.
I went to my cousins while they looked at the house. We took a short walk, it was nice, I haven’t walked in so long. Too much to do, to carve out some time for myself. I haven’t seen her in awhile so it was nice. Her husband was home, I don’t often see him, because he travels so much. I always liked him, but I know they struggle.
My son called me while I was walking with her. He was driving around to kill time til he could go back in the house. He drove over to our old house and couldn’t believe the shape it’s in. Just so sad. He has not driven over there in probably 3 years. It’s 3 miles away. Too many bad memories. 16 years worth. for him. 30 for me. No no one is living in it right now. Probably full of mice, and bugs. I’ll never understand what satisfaction he got from doing what he did. But I’m so glad I got out in time to save myself and my son.
Someone continued to read old blogs today. They’ve stopped now, it seems for the time being. How much time can you spend on old news? So many I’d forgotten about. Every 2 weeks, push away, pull me back. I was stretched to the limit, and then the cord was cut, sent me flying. I landed hard. I think it amused him, to see me try to make sense of what was happening to me. It was like a challenge, to see how long he could get away with it. To see if he could get me to agree to see him for his “nice afternoon” or evening. In the end, I think he is the biggest loser of his own game.
I’m back on my feet now. My head has stopped spinning, my eyes are focusing again. The level of deceit that was going on is still and always will be, beyond my ability to comprehend. But it’s over now, and even if someone starts reading it again, I don’t think I’d ever go back and revisit it. I’ll stay cognizant of it, but I have to be unattached to it now. I have to be done with it.
A new life is waiting. Waiting for me to sell my house.
The Sunshine Blogger Award (!!!)
A BIG thanks to Laurel at My Journey Into Darkness (https://myjourneyintodarkness.wordpress.com) for this award nomination! She is one smart, astute, articulate writer and a close friend. Check out her blog, if you don’t know her yet! She honors me, with this nomination.
Here are the rules.
1. Thank the person who nominated you.
2. Answer the questions from the person who nominated you.
3. Nominate other bloggers for this award.
4. Write the same amount of questions for the bloggers you have nominated.
5. Notify the bloggers you have nominated.
Here are her questions, with my answers:
1. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes, when I was about 12 or 13, I stole a magazine, I think it was Dig magazine or something stupid. I was with my friends. We were all trying to be “bad.” We were all unsuccessful at being bad, too much conscience, lol. Felt wickedly guilty and fearful and never did it again.
2. If you could only eat one vegetable for the rest of your life, which one would it be? God I love veggies, how do I pick one? I guess I’d have to pick lettuce so I could have a salad.
3. What did you want to be when you grew up? Rich, lol.
4. Do you “picture” what I look like? If so, describe me. Well I have seen pics of you from the back so of course you have long blond hair. But I think of you as gorgeous. Like model thin, because I know all you eat, er, drink is Boost, lol. Tho when you come to FL I may try to change that, lol. I think of you as having a mischievous gleam in your eyes….
5. Who has been the biggest inspiration in your life? So many…but I think I have to say my mother.
6. If you couldn’t blog, what would you do? Probably be admitted to the state mental hospital, because it keeps me sane.
7. What do you consider to be an unpardonable sin? You know me….I think all sins can be atoned, if a person has true remorse. But the hardest one for me, would be sins committed against children.
8. If you could torment anybody, who would you choose and how would you torment them? Donald Trump, by having him lose to Bernie. Dancing in the lobby of Trump Towers with Feel the Bern signs.
9. What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you? I don’t embarrass easily, I generally get a good laugh out of it. But I would have to say farting at an inopportune intimate moment.
10. What is your middle name? Elizabeth, after my grandmother
11. Who would you take to a deserted island and would you leave them there if you were rescued? Scott, he always said he wanted to be alone anyway.
My questions:
- The ocean or the mountains?
- Extreme heat or extreme cold?
- If you had one chance to do one thing over, what would it be and what would you do differently?
- Why do you write?
- Where is your favorite place to write?
- Do you have a hero? If so, who and why?
- What is your favorite fiction book? Non-fiction?
- Who is your favorite relative and why?
- So far, what age was your favorite?
- Do you have any other creative endeavors?
My nominees: (Just a note, Laurel already nominated a bunch of people I would have, lol)
- Lavender (https://lavenderdreamweb.wordpress.com/)
- Sue Ranscht (https://stranscht.com/)
- trE, A Cornered Girl (https://meetmsmindful.wordpress.com/
- Lisa Lancaster (https://lisalancaster.wordpress.com/)
- Madeline Harper (https://madelineharper09.com/)
Haiku No. 13: The Cure
The tears that I cried
Were not for you, but for me.
Laughter takes their place.
Haiku No. 12: Reflections
Full moon reflections
The cool glow illuminates
Choices of the heart.
Moving to Avalon
Oh man, I’m living risky tonight. My stomach has been better for a couple of days now. Except for the first thing in the am, I feel fine all day. Though, I’ve been careful what I eat,and I’m still taking the prescription med. But tonight I felt like a drink. So, I lived dangerously. I bought a bottle of Kraken dark spiced rum, it was on sale. My son yelled at me, it’s 100 proof…..I poured one drink which I didn’t finish. So far my stomach has not rebelled but we’ll see tomorrow.
I haven’t had a drink in about 6 weeks. Just feeling it tonight. It was a beautiful day. My son was home from work the same time as I was and it was warm enough to sit out on the deck. I opened the umbrella on the table and declared, for the first time this year, “the deck is open.” I spend a lot of time out there when the weather is warm. It wasn’t hot today, but warm enough to sit outside without a coat, and just talk to my son for awhile. God, I love that kid. Just love sitting and having just a relaxed convo with him.
But alas, it got chilly as the full moon rose, and we came inside to eat dinner. Put hockey on tv, and he got me all up-to-date on the Stanley Cup playoffs. Tampa Bay is in the eastern conference finals, so I said, I guess I should start cheering for them, shouldn’t I? Their arena is maybe a haI lf hour, 40 min, from my Fl house.
My friend the blues singer/artist said the Mangia Cafe was packed last night. She and her friend both sang and killed it. I told her I have a new Beth Hart song I want to hear her sing when I get there. “Hold Me Through The Night.” Maybe I’ll put a link up at the end of the blog. I’ll see how I feel.
Since I started writing Haiku I’ve been getting a ton of views and likes! Had my 2 best days for likes on WP two days ago and today again. I love that so many people are liking and relating to what I have to say. Very satisfying. Today someone was reading a TON of old blogs. Stuff from a year ago, when suddenly S was pushing me away, because unknown to me, Betty wanted back in his life. God I was in so much pain, and he knew it, he read every word I wrote, and he just let me suffer. Such a narcissist. Just unbelievable that he got off on my pain, and did nothing to put an end to it. I started to read them, the old blogs, but they triggered me too. I don’t want to remember how that felt. I am almost inclined to delete them, but that’s stupid too. They happened, it’s a snapshot in time. I was decent, honorable, loving…I have nothing to be ashamed of. So many times I tried to break up. So many. And he always pulled me back, every single time, until I was about to show up on his doorstep in tandem with her.
I always wonder who is reading all that old stuff. I imagine it’s S or B, but I don’t think S would want to re-read the pain he caused me. Would go against his grain to read and absorb the pain he put me through. And B…I think she knows all she needs to know. Why she would read more I don’t know. Only if S was trying to hit her up again and she wanted to remember what he actually did to her. Which is highly possible. He hates to be alone and he had no success getting me to engage with him on his terms. He bounced from her, when she told him no, to me to try to get me in his sights again, and then when he couldn’t, is probably bouncing back to her, trying to get her to believe he’s changed.
Not a chance in hell he has changed. He’s just lonely and horny.
I will be so glad to be so far away from his bouncing, push pull game. It’s nauseating, really.
I recently downloaded the song Avalon by Van Morrison on to my phone. I love that song. I had to look up Avalon to find out it was a mythical place where King Arthur went to heal his wounds. An island. Maybe the holy grail is there. Anyway, I read it and every time I listen to the song, I think, I’m going to name my Florida house Avalon. Put a little sign outside the door. A place of new beginnings, since the house address is an 11 and that’s kind of the story of Avalon, new beginnings, and a place of healing. That’s what it represents to me. So, I think it might be a good name. Instead of Beth Hart’s song, maybe I’ll put up Van Morrison’s Avalon tonight. You can tell me if it’s a good idea or not, to name my little bungalow a mile from the beach Avalon.
Wish me luck with my house showing tomorrow. I need to be moving soon.
Love and light….. (lyrics under the link)
Avalon of the heart
On down by Avalon
Gonna make a brand new start
Oh the Holy Grail
Baby behind the sun
Oh the Holy Grail
Down by Avalon
Well I came upon
The enchanted vale
Down by the viaducts of my dreams
Down by Camelot, hangs the tale
In the ancient vale
Oh the Avalon sunset
Avalon of the heart
Me and my lady
Goin’ down by Avalon
Well I came upon
The enchanted vale
Down by the viaducts of my dreams
Near Camelot, hangs the tale
Of the enchanted vale
In the upper room
There the cup does stand
In the upper room
Down by Avalon
Goin’ down by Avalon
Oh my Avalon of the heart
Goin’ down by Avalon
Gonna make a brand new start
Oh down by Avalon
Oh baby behind the sun
Goin’ down by Avalon
Well the journey’s just begun
Oh down by Avalon
Sweet Avalon of the heart
Goin’ down by Avalon
Gonna make a brand new start
Helix
She speaks in visions, beautiful ones. This how it should be. I had to share. And delight in the dream of it.
(Artist- Gaelyn Larrick)
My weedy delicate overgrown heart,
Parleys my identity into manifestation.
Through the lyrical song of birds,
It sings in my breast of our shared truth.
The rhythm of raindrops on a road,
Delights my dancing inner child with your jocular memories.
Across the hush of twilight’s masking darkness,
Will evoke me of your concern and attention that was tasted.
It is in the softest muted moments of recognition
That I hear old earth’s vibrations
Serenade with comfort
And divine our genuine existence.
A spiral of ornaments,
And you were able to see the unelaborated me.
~m
Crazy Dreams, Good Dreams
I had a dream so crazy and funny I can’t even look it up on dreammoods. I was on a plane, but the interior of the plane was just a room, and all the passengers were just standing around. Suddenly, potatoes came flying into the room as if they’d been shot out of a slingshot or cannon and landing on the floor. They didn’t hit anyone. But, when they landed you could see that they had eyes..real eyes, not potato eyes, lol. And they were sitting on the floor, looking stunned, kind of like “How did I get HERE?” And all the passengers were laughing, and just laughing at the bewilderment in their eyes, not cruel laughter. None of the potatoes were hurt, lol.
I woke up laughing.
So, any ideas what THAT was all about? Dreammoods can’t help with this one…
Feeling pretty well this morning. I guess it’s always good to wake up laughing. I did the same meditation as yesterday for my morning meditation. It’s 20 minutes long, and I have historically done 15 minutes. I find that the extra 5 minutes is really beneficial. I’m sure an hour would be even better. Well, I can do that when I retire. At the beach, lol.
It’s going to be a beautiful day. It’s not warm enough for flip-flops yet though. It’s been abnormally cold. Still, I can wear less layers, it will be 70. And sunny. It’s supposed to have scattered showers this weekend. I wanted to paint the deck on Saturday but won’t be able to with rain. And now I have a showing in the middle of the day. Still, I can maybe prep it anyway. The long term forecast for Memorial Day weekend is that the weather pattern will change and it may get hot. So I’ll paint it then.
I WILL check off some things on my list this weekend. One thing at a time. I remembered that during my divorce, I used to just focus on the next thing that I had to deal with. I never looked at the big picture, the whole picture, except in the extreme abstract. It was too overwhelming. I need to do that with all this stuff around my move. So, right now I’ll just focus on getting the house sold. Then once I’ve done that and have a firm exit date, I can plan how to get my son to CO, and get myself to FL. I have to sell some furniture too. But there will be time for all that.
I am going to my sisters for my mothers memorial in 2 weeks. I’m pretty excited for that. The whole family will be there. That should help with this stress and anxiety.
Life is good, I’m learning to deal with it. And there is a huge carrot at the end, lol. Balmy sea breezes, palm trees, evenings with friends, new friend and old, under the stars. It’s a good dream to have.
Love and light.
Haiku NO. 11: Peace
The spirit breathes me.
There is nothing wrong with me.
Peace comes in heartbeats.
Haiku No. 10: Timeless
I loved without lines
drawn in the sand to show how
love can outlast me.
learningtolivelikewaterblog.com 
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