Pack boxes, pound keys, 

The workday monotony. 

Relief comes with the dreams. 

At Mangia Cafe

Balmy breezes fill the air. 

With friends and the blues.

I got a FB message from my friend in FL.  She went over to my house and said all is well inside, but on the front porch there was a horde of ants crawling up the side and under the eaves.  Bugs…lol.  The bane of Florida from what I can tell.

I don’t know what I can do about it from here, lol. Ask her to get a giant can of Raid?

But this morning, I am more convinced than ever that this stomach thing is stress, worry. I found a guided meditation with over 2 million views on stress relief. (https://youtu.be/EIJQsE8C5Is) As with many guided meditations, you focus on your breath, breathing it into your stomach. I realized how tense my stomach and abdomen muscles are if I’m not thinking about it. I focused on releasing the tension. At one point I kind of felt my muscles actually kind of turn to mush.
I made a mental list of the stressors, in no particular order of importance
1. Selling my house. Selling it for enough money to do what I need to do with it.
2. Getting my son moved to CO
3. Moving myself to FL.
4. My son moving so far away. This is different than getting it moved, it refers to not having him close to me.
5. Stuff I need to do on the FL house. Replace some windows. Buy a shed, a washer and dryer. Landscape the yard. Get rid of the ants, lol.
6. My mom’s estate. My sis has organized all this, but I think I still have some paperwork I need to complete, and I don’t know where to send it. And I will need the money from her estate, even though it’s not a ton, it will help with all my moving expenses. So I need to do it, and I keep putting it off.
7. Painting the deck on this house.
8. Work…I have to start training a new person, and I hate them to start when I am so far behind in so much of my work. I have not organized my thoughts on training at all, and I have to start Monday.
9. Selling the furniture I can’t take with me.
10. Scott. This is one I just need to let go of. That relationship is over, I am still grieving it. His cryptic sporadic indirect contact was of no help with this, but I intend to be strong enough to just ignore any further attempts. There is never anything but misery in the end, and I’m done with it, I think.

So none of this stuff is small stuff. It’s all fairly big, important stuff. When I don’t consciously make the effort, it knots my stomach up as it overwhelms me emotionally. It’s all real physical stuff to do. Except worrying about my son living on his own so far away, and dealing with the left over emotions from my relationship. Those things I just have to let go of, and trust in the universe to work it out for everyone’s higher good.
Sorting out this stuff this morning. Making some progress I think. Going to spend time each morning and evening and lunchtime when I can, physically alleviating the stress like I did this morning.

Love and light, folks.

My heart was open
Like a book, you turned each page.
Stopping halfway through.

Tell me how it ends.
I wonder if we’re happy now,
Or forever lost.

You only read part
So you can’t know the answer.
In unturned pages.

I had a dream last night, or maybe the night before.  I just remembered it when I was reading about Laurel’s dream.  (https://myjourneyintodarkness.wordpress.com/)

I was driving.  Always driving in my dreams, which is about my life’s journey.  It was night, and I couldn’t manage to turn the headlights on in the car.  They weren’t on the thingy that sticks out on the steering column, like on most cars.   So I was driving in the dark, one of my friends was with me.  She climbed over the seat and sat in the back while I tried to figure out why the lights wouldn’t go on. I was kind of freaking out, because it was really dark, like new moon dark.  I finally pulled over and stopped driving to find out how to get the headlights on.

And then I woke up.

I was on my life’s journey and I couldn’t find the light.  And I stopped.

Not a good thing for me.  It’s an eternal quest for me, to find light, to be light, to go to the light, to shine the light where ever I can.  And I couldn’t find it.

And I can’t stop, I have to  keep moving forward.

About night Dreammoods says “To have a dream that takes place at night represents some major setbacks and obstacles in achieving your goals. You are being faced with an issue that is not so clear cut. Perhaps, you should put the issues aside so you can clear your head and come back to it later. Alternatively, night may be synonymous with death, rebirth, reflection, and new beginnings.

It’s possible that it was a mixture of an issue that is not clear cut, and perhaps reflection and new beginnings.  New beginnings only because my new house is an 11.  The issue that is not clear cut, well, chances are it never will be.  But I do have to figure out a way to put it aside, and not dwell on it any longer. It sets me back, if I am not paying close attention.

Too many triggers this weekend I guess .  I need to get moved.  I need my health back.  I need to forget the man who tried so hard to bring darkness to my light, who messed with my head once again last week, and I fear he was more successful than I thought.  That should be good supply for his ego, to read that. To know he can still fuck with my head.  This one’s on me, if he’s reading this.  At least he’s not fucking with the rest of me anymore.

This is a haiku I wrote, then trashed.  But I’m feeling like putting it up tonight.  I feel a little angry.

You fucked me over

Yet my heart remained open.

Why did you play games?

There was a time, a few years ago, when I dreamed I was in a crystal cathedral.  All the walls, floors, roof, steps, everything, was made of quartz crystal. Even the bannister on the stairs. The light was amazing in there.  When I went in I walked up this huge crystal staircase to like a mezannine, where you could look out over the floor below.  Going up means you are raising your level of consciousness.

I want that dream back.  Fuck the darkness, and the people who spread it.  They can join the quest to bring the light or leave me the fuck alone.  Or, they can at least help me find my way in the dark.

Love and LIGHT, everyone.

Sitting at a lab, waiting to have blood drawn. All the other tests came back negative. There’s nothing wrong it seems. 

I felt better last night and got Chinese take-out in the way home for son and I. I got something fairly bland. With lots of veggies, I am craving veggies. Big mistake. Stomach is in an uproar this morning. 

But so far there’s nothing wrong. No virus, no bacterial infection. I hope and pray it’s not something worse.  I will pay all these labs out of pocket. I should have started Medicare May 1.  Too late now. 

Because I feel like a lot of it is stress, I am angry at the causes of my stress this morning. Wrote 2 angry haiku but didn’t publish. Don’t really want to put that energy out there. 

I keep asking God to breathe me. Maybe do the Ho’oponopono. Something positive. Really sick of not feeling well. And tired, very tired too, tho I’ve slept well with no help the last few nights.  

You know how FB is always bringing up old posts?  The one I saw this morning was about last year and I got very sick. My throat was so swollen I couldn’t swallow my meds. But it reminded me that the day before, S had met me at a park on the water and told me he wanted to be alone. Wasn’t going to Florida with me. It was the beginning of months of deception. 

How much easier the last year would have been had he Just told the truth? For me, for him, for her.  So unnecessary, all that cumulative pain. 

We talked and talked. I asked him if it was permanent or temporary. He said he didn’t know temporary was an option. I said, I’m not gonna run out and be looking, scott. You know how I feel about you. And when it was time to go home, he asked me to come over. We were about 10 miles from his house. After he’d just broken up with me. Talk about mixed signals. And I would have gone, but I didn’t feel well.  I said you just broke up with me. He said, but I like you so much when you’re like this. 

Because I didn’t get upset. I just talked. I had known something was up with him. Thought that now I knew. I wish I had really known. 

Thanks FB, for reminding me. 

Well on the road again. 

Love and light. 

I’ve been reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson for the 2nd time.  I read it a few years ago, when I first began to read A Course in Miracles.  I’m reading it again for our book club.  At the same time I’m reading her newer book, The Gift of Change.

I can only say that she probably has had more impact on the way I think than maybe anyone else.  Profoundly .

Kind of like having a miracle happen.

Her books are not a hard read.  If you decide to read any of them, I suggest a having a highlighter handy.  I thought I’d put up some quotes from that first book tonight.

Love and light…..