I noticed today that the shackles are gone. Not just loosened. Not just off of one hand or ankle, But gone.
Not locked into to a past that didn’t work. Not locked into to a dream that never would be. Not trying to run with one foot tied to an iron ring Set into cement. Immobile.
Free….
Not held back the pain. Not held back by the love I didn’t receive, Nor, more importantly, The love I didn’t extend.
It’s all there, still. All the love that was in my heart Is still in my heart. But it’s grown, it’s matured. It sees what’s real.
All the pain I had Is now part of my story. No longer painful, Unless I press it hard.
Even pressed, it’s just a twinge now. It doesn’t rip me open. It’s just enough to remind me Not to go back there. It’s on it’s way To not hurting at all.
Will this last? Only time can tell. I’ve been close to here before. Each time, a little higher A little deeper. If it doesn’t last, I’ll be back.
Sitting here drinking tea, and eating chocolate. Just a little chocolate. I think the kombucha tea was like a cleanse, because I felt really good the rest of the day today. Until the kid who was supposed to come here tonight and get me my prescription drug coverage for when I go on Medicare next month didn’t show.
I called him at 7:15, he was due here at 7. He apologized profusely, he hurt his knee and was on the way to get an MRI. I said, “Well, Michael (this kid is my son’s age), a phone call would have gone a long way.” I left work a half hr before I would have normally just to be able to eat before he came. (Dinner consisted of rice. Yum.)
I am so aggravated with this kid. He enrolled me in Medicare. I didn’t know when I wanted it to start at that time, (back in March) so he said, “I’ll just put down May 1. You can change it at any time.” Yeah, sure you can, if you have a couple hours to spend on the phone with two ridiculous gov’t agencies….Didn’t bother to ask me how I wanted to be billed, so I have a quarterly bill for $609 that I am supposed to pay.
I bought, I thought, supplemental insurance from him, I gave him a couple of checks. I have no cards, no policies…
I have to go find his email address and email him a list of what I expect of him in the next 7 days. I’m supposed to start Medicare June 1.
I am too far with him now to go somewhere else, but as soon as I push him into making sure I’m covered, I will find another agent that’s not an idiot.
Ok, sorry for the rant.
Other than that….
I went to my boss at 4:45 and said, “Did you remember that I am off Thursday and Friday?” He went into hyper drive, (which is about 15 levels above my personal hyper drive setting) about how I need to have a memo out so that I am covered….I said, “I was just out in March, they know what they have to do”. To which he replied that they don’t do it, he wants to go over the memo with them all, he doesn’t want to be my secretary….
He can be such an ass. The big issue is email, and that everyone is already overworked so they all have a hard time covering anyone else’s job. On top of that he depends on me, way past the parameters of my job, which is ok most of the time. But not when it works to get me all wound up that I’m taking 2 days off. Only a few more days. But I feel sorry for those who are covering me.
I am so looking forward to my 4 days off. To seeing my friend. To doing some really fun stuff. To taking her to the gong bath, and boy, do I need the gong bath. My emotions lately have been all over the spectrum, kind of bracketed by my poems, “Keep Rising” and “Choke Weed”. I’d like to hit middle, calm ground at some point and stay there. Today at lunch, I did about a half hour meditation, as soon as I finished eating. I was in my car, meditation music on. I sent reiki to someone I thought needed it, and that always serves me well, because the practitioner is just the conduit, and it passes through me, to them. I also did the Ho’oponopono for a little while focused on that person. It was a (finally) beautiful spring day. It was lovely to be outside, in the fresh air, and focused on shining a light where I could.
Extending love, not hate and anger, always helps me to get back to where I want to be.
I think I’m on the path there to calm space. Like the place Van Morrison is singing about in this song, “So Quiet in Here”. Enjoy. Lyrics below song.
Published on Jul 8, 2015
Foghorns blowing in the night
Salt sea air in the morning breeze
Driving cars all along the coastline
This must be what it’s all about
Oh this must be what it’s all about
This must be what paradise is like
So quiet in here, so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, so peaceful in here
The warm look of radiance on your face
And your heart beating close to mine
And the evening fading in the candle glow
This must be what it’s all about
Oh this must be what it’s all about
This must be what paradise is like
So quiet in here. so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, yeah, so peaceful in here
All my struggling in the world
And so many dreams that don’t come true
Step back, put it all away
It don’t matter, it don’t matter anymore
Oh this must be what paradise is like
This must be what paradise is like
It’s so quiet in here, so peaceful in here
It’s so quiet in here, so peaceful in here
A glass of wine with some friends
Talking into the wee hours of the dawn
Sit back and relax your mind
This must be, this must be, what it’s all about
This must be what paradise is like
Oh this must be what paradise is like
So quiet in here, so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, so peaceful in here
Big ships out in the night
And we’re floating across the waves
Sailing for some other shore
Where we can be what we wanna be
Oh this must be what paradise is like
This must be what paradise is like
Baby it’s so quiet in here, so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, so peaceful in here
So quiet in here, you can hear, it’s so quiet
Life is full of lessons. Sometimes simple ones. Like, before you take an herbal remedy for digestive health, find out what it really treats.
The other day at the store, I looked for a tea that was for digestive health. I bought kombucha tea, the box said it was for digestive health and boosted the immune system. I had a couple cups and was up on and off that night with my stomach issue. I just assumed that the virus had gotten a little worse, and the tea didn’t really help. Regular black tea seemed to help more.
Yesterday the virus acted up again, because I was not careful enough about what I ate Sunday because the symptoms had really subsided. Last night I thought I’d try another cup of kombucha tea after I had a bowl of chicken soup. I was up in the night again, and thought it must have something to do with the tea. I googled it this morning. It’s for constipation, not the opposite.
Geezus.
Drinking regular tea this morning. Lesson is, I was an assuming ass, lol. And sabotaged myself.
I’m sorry if this is TMI. I have been dealing with this going on 4 weeks, and I can’t believe I was that stupid. But I was. Lesson learned. I miss my coffee.
I looked in Louise Hays book “You Can Heal Your Life” for the emotional component of this virus. Fear. Rejection. Running away.
I think it’s a lot of fearful stress. Mostly around my son, taking off for Colorado. Not fear as to whether or not he’ll be ok, I don’t think. Because I know he will be. I know he’ll get a job easily, he has good recommendations, a solid work history, and an incredible work ethic. But I will miss him so much, and I will worry, I know this, because it’s always just been he and I against the world. Even when he lived with a girlfriend for awhile, he was here once a week for dinner, he was only a half hour away. And while I am very excited about my move, it’s also unnerving, to leave all you know, have known.
My sister and brother-in-law couldn’t be doing more to make it easy for me. They are wayyyy beyond what anyone could have ever expected. I am very blessed with the people I know. I know I have to trust the universe, which has been intent on making sure I know this is the right move for me.
Rejection? Not really so much. I used to feel that, I resolved it. I see that whole situation clearly, and I don’t even feel like I’m running away from it, though I did for awhile, just wanted to run to Florida to get away from it. Now I’m running to something, and leaving that part of my life in the past. It really isn’t a factor any longer. I wish him love and light, I wish he could see his own potential, and find some happiness in these later years of his life.
Well, lots of analyzing this morning, lol. But I think it was a good thing. Sometimes we need to do that, dissect things and find the root causes. Going to work on trusting the universe to watch out for my son, just as it does for me.
It wrapped around me, that choke weed
With some sadness, some regret
It oozed it’s poison.
Wantin’ to kill me,
Or at least
Take me down.
Making it hard to breathe,
Dull shades of gray cast a pall over life.
Why?
Did I allow it?
Why?
Do I continue to hear the voice
In the choke weed
Telling me stories?
Accusing me.
Lies.
Why does it persist?
There’s nothing left to choke out of me.
There’s a void where I never wanted one.
But choke weed,
You gotta find new prey.
You’ve taken all I had to give.
Hang onto me and you’ll shrivel and die.
And so, it loosens it’s grip,
Because God knows,
It will watch out for itself.
I inhale, gasping at first.
Then, savoring the sweet smell of life,
The scent of joy
the balm of happiness.
I watch the choke weed…..
Choke itself.
I mourn the loss.
It never knew what it could have been.
My sister and brother-in-law went to my house in FL today. They straightened out my fence, and gave the posts more support. They put a metal shield on the wall next to my stove. They brought over some of my mom’s furniture and put in the house, and took pics for me.
I was SOOO excited to see the house with furniture in it! And especially because it was my mom’s. Nothing heirloom, lol. Just stuff they got for her when she went into assisted living. Accent pieces, but oh it looked so cute.
My sister says every time they go there they like it better. They said my neighborhood looks good, the town is so cute and they can’t wait to try some of the restaurants there.
I so wanted to be there. Every day I guess I’m one day closer. The people who looked at my house today weren’t interested. No criticisms, just wasn’t the house for them. Onward, the right one will walk in here one day.
I’m so grateful for cell phones, lol. Because I instantly got the pics they took. I could call my friend and see if she could run over and get a key from my sister. I will still be able to call my friends here and talk for an hour. It really takes the bite out of moving away, really.
So I thought I was all over that stomach bug yesterday. No issues all day. So I guess I should have paid more attention to what I ate, and been careful, because it’s back with a vengeance today. So back on the chicken soup and kombucha tea. Sucks. Last week the dr. gave me a little kit to take a stool sample if it wasn’t better by now. But it was yesterday…Anyway, I haven’t even looked at the kit, it’s still in the car. Because I just run up against a wall about this.
I bought a bunch of music for my phone yesterday. I figured, I can’t go out with this stomach bug, so I spent $15 on music, lol. Good trade off. But now I can’t get that song Enlightenment by Van Morrison out of my head. And this one by Beth Hart. She reminds me so much of Janis Joplin. She leaves it all on the stage. The song was new to me, as is most of her music but I’m making an effort to get to know it all. This is one of my favorites so far.
I leave you with this. Someday, someone will. Lyrics underneath the song.
If I whisper my thoughts,
would you hear the chanting of my heart?
Phrasing melodies unsung in the dark.
Saying hold me through the night.
Hear the music from my room,
calling out to you.
Come home to me soon.
Shadows bellowing duets with the moon,
singing hold me through the night.
hold me through the night, hold me through the night.
And the water drop in the drain,
just like the sound it makes
You’re coming round again.
There’s a soft piano in a warm summer’s rain
playing hold me through the night,
hold me through the night,
hold me through the night.
Hold me, hold me through the night.
Oh ya gotta hold me through.
Ya gotta hold me through the night,
hold me through the night.
So starts a new week. It’s suppose to be warmer this week, more normal spring temps. And sunnier. I’m excited about it. Shafts of sunlight are beginning to poke holes in the clouds.
I have a short work week this week, because my friend who lives in the Adirondack Mtns is coming to visit me for a few days. She’s coming Thursday, until Sunday or maybe Monday morning. I’m taking her to a gong bath Thursday night. Friday I’m going to take her to some incredible greeenhouses, full of tropical plants. It’s a place S took me on the last excursion we ever took, before she came back into his life. It’s got a 200 year old lemon tree in it, it has all kind of tropical plants. It is like walking into Jumanji. The plants are all over the place, on the ceiling, up the walls. It is warm, it smells like heaven. There are paths through the plants. They sell the plants but many people just go there to see them. They also have a huge herbal green house. My friend is an avid gardner, I know she will love it. It’s called Logees, and they have a great website and will ship plants everywhere, if you want to google them. We will get lunch somewhere along the way. Saturday we’re going to Newport. Not sure what she might want to do there, maybe see a mansion or two, maybe to the cliff walk past all the mansions if its a nice day. Maybe just shop, eat. It’s always fun, and beautiful there.
I’m really excited about all of it. Only working 3 days, seeing my friend, all the things we’re going to do.
I have a showing on my house today, so keeping my fingers crossed that they like the house better than the last people did. Have I mentioned that I am so ready to be living in Florida? LOL. My sis is going to the house today with a friend of hers. She’s going to get some more measurements for me, and check to make sure all the utilities are on. Probably wants to get lunch at our favorite sandwich shop there too, lol. She loves my little community.
Wishing all good things for all people today. The Buddhist Matta prayer…Love and light, all.
I go to the depths
Often
To find myself,
my soul.
Wondering if I will find him there, again.
Pathways lit by millions of luminous creatures
Guiding me.
To where?
Past the place where he lies
silently waiting
For a hand to reach for his
And guide him out.
But no…..
The luminants say, no…
Everyone has to find their own way.
Each tiny pinpoint of light will reveal the path.
Anyone can walk it,
The luminants explain,
If they let go of the fear.
I can only touch my fingertips to his lips
And whisper
“love……”
I follow the trail of light they give me.
I see the creatures,
I see the demons,
I see the angels,
I see myself.
When I see myself again,
Ten thousand points of light guide me out of the depths.
He watches me go,
Thinking I abandoned him.
Afraid, to find his own way.
Not trusting the ten thousand points of light
That want to assuage his suffering.
It’s been a lovely Mother’s Day. The best thing is that it FINALLY stopped raining and we saw the sun!
One of my best friends had a small brunch, for her family, my son and I, her mother, and her mother’s best friend and best friend’s husband. It was only 8 of us. My friend is such a good cook. I used to be, but I just don’t do that much cooking anymore because I’m usually eating alone. So I suppose I can cook, but I don’t bother unless my son is around and I have time.
I think I finally got over the stomach bug. No stomach cramps today. All the brunch food settled. Finally, I had a cup of coffee that didn’t make me wish I hadn’t. 3 weeks I’ve had this. 4 days of chicken and rice soup, lol. But it worked.
My friend who made brunch and I talked for like an hour on the phone later today. She was talking about my house in FL, and was I going to plant fruit trees, like lemons and limes. And I thought, Oh yeah, how cool would that be, to have a lime tree outside my door? Getting pretty excited.
As soon as the sun came out today, I got a notice that someone wanted to come see the house today, at 5:30. My son was flipping out, he didn’t want to have to take off for an hour. I didn’t either but hey, if they wanted to see it, we have to let them. Then they canceled it, and reset it for 1 PM tomorrow, which was much better. No mad rush to get the house in show condition, though, it’s pretty close all the time. Since we didn’t have to leave the house, and get it ready, I went on my deck and took a nap in the zero gravity chair, with the sun on my face and meditation music on my earbuds from my phone.
Boy did I need that.
Last night I fell asleep on the couch early, and then ended up not tired when I normally go to bed so was up til about 1 am. And woke up at my normal time of 5:30. I so wish I could sleep late but I can’t do it. Once in a blue moon I make it past 6. Maybe when I retire, I’ll figure it out.
I love this song. I love Van Morrison. Lyrics below the video. Just wanted to share. Enjoy!
“Enlightenment”
Chop that wood
Carry water
What’s the sound of one hand clapping
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
Every second, every minute
It keeps changing to something different
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
It says it’s non attachment
Non attachment. non attachment
I’m in the here and now, and I’m meditating
And still I’m suffering but that’s my problem
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
Wake up
Enlightenment says the world is nothing
Nothing but a dream, everything’s an illusion
And nothing is real
Good or bad baby
You can change it anyway you want
You can rearrange it
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
Chop that wood
And carry water
What’s the sound of one hand clapping
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
All around baby. you can see
You’re making your own reality. everyday because
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
One more time
Enlightenment. don’t know what it is
It’s up to you
Enlightenment. don’t know what it is
It’s up to you everyday
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
It’s always up to you
Enlightenment, don’t know what it is
It’s up to you, the way you think
Some of you know that I lost my mother this past January at the age of 94, so this Mother’s Day is a little hard. I miss her every day. I feel her love around me all the time.
Yesterday I received in the mail, this card. My older sister found it going through my mother’s things. Mom kept every card and letter she ever got from her three girls, (as well as my dad, and her extended family), and actually I’m sure used to go through the picnic basket she kept them in on a fairly regular basis, once or twice a year. I must have made it in school when I was 8 or 9. Just learning cursive writing. I just wanted to share, to celebrate having such an amazing mother. The post it note is from my sister.
If there is one person in the world who taught me what unconditional love and forgiveness are, it was her. I forgot for many years, but it was the love she gave us girls, that she instilled in us a knowledge that we have value, that we have our own light, just because we exist, which guided me out of a lot of darkness in my life. My ability to forgive comes from the example she set for us, during some incredibly hard days she had. Days which I didn’t even fully understand until she told my younger sister and I the whole story when she was 90 years old and moving out of her house.
A couple of years ago I went back to my hometown for my 45th high school reunion. I ran into a childhood friend, whose mother and mine attended college together as my mom got her teaching degree. (She had 3 college degrees.) My friend’s father was still alive, and when she told him I was there, he remarked what a gracious lady my mother was.
She was. She never lost her smile, or her ability to laugh. Not even when she suffered a debilitating stroke that left her unable to speak, read or write, and partially paralyzed. I spoke to her a week before she died, and even though I couldn’t understand a word she said, I understood her laughter.
This year, my son is moving away, as am I. I will miss that kid so much. I just hope, as he begins this new phase of his life, he will always know, as I did, that he has value, that he deserves love and belonging, just because he exists on this earth, for no other reason. That one thing, knowing that one thing, will be his rock to stand on, as it was mine. The fact that he is my son is my blessing.
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