The Keeper of the Secrets

I had a text conversation with S yesterday.  It was not with the intention of getting back together, it was with the intention of not leaving things so ugly.

S is S.  I fell in love with the man I saw last winter, a year ago.  The man who would have me over, we’d talk, eat, listen to music, dance in his living room, watch tv, make love, sleep, spend Sundays as he showed me all the secret beautiful places he knew, while he told me stories. There was always laughter, there was never an argument.

In the spring, he began to withdraw, to want time to himself.  I don’t know if he was afraid he was falling in love, he told me in late winter he was open to whatever developed between us and those two glorious weeks that he gave me will always be some of my best memories.

Then his best friend became really ill, (he was older than S by quite a bit) and died.  With his death it seemed, went S’s joy.  Maybe it was coincidental, that he began to pull away at that exact time.  I just know that’s when it began.  I remember going to his house, and finding him sitting on the couch, bereft.  I just sat with him.  I didn’t know his friend (or anyone else in his life) but I knew there were not too many people he felt close to, and this man had been his friend for 40 years or so.

I would say that’s when the walls went back up.  When he decided that loving someone hurt too  much, and chose to withdraw.

In the conversation with him yesterday, I realized that’s the attraction to her.  She demands nothing of him.  He demands nothing of her.  They don’t talk, there is no deep, loving conversation between them.   I think he can fully justify his real lack of care for her because of what she did. I think their relationship has always been like this, and he says it has, then they have been doing to each other, and paying each other back, for the entire time.  He doesn’t tell her his secrets,and I’m sure she doesn’t either.  I’m not sure what’s between them, at all.  It seemed to me that to be with her, he has to deny who he is.  And I guess he does this in exchange for a silent, literally, partner.

The man I loved would never ever be untrue to who he was.  But I found out yesterday all the secrets he hides from her, including wanting to have sex with me during the week when they are not communicating, including very heavy sexting with me (which I no longer respond to).  She doesn’t play with him during the week as we did. I asked him what the attraction is, because she seems kind of uptight for him.  He said, she doesn’t talk much.

I was not hurt in this conversation.  I realize that the longer it went on, the easier it was to let go.  I don’t even know this man.  I don’t get exchanging a closed mouth for a relationship that leaves you needing to go outside of it to be satisfied.  But I suppose in the same way, he can’t understand wanting a rich close intimate in every way relationship, though we had that for awhile.  I thought he was happy with it.  Until he lost his best friend, and I think decided love hurts too much.

I wouldn’t have hurt him. Ever.  I still love the man I loved.  This new man, I don’t know, and don’t particularly like, though I still see the one I love, buried in there and will never just walk away.  I’ll always be around to talk to him.

I feel like the keeper of his secrets.  I don’t know if I even know them all, but he told me many, quantified that he’d never told anyone else.  I had no judgement of him because of them, they just helped me know him.  I always thought they were the incidents that made him into the man I loved.  He was the sum total of his experiences, and I loved who he was, then.  I remember sitting in his living room, him telling me how bad he was, how could I say I loved him.  I said, “It was all a long time ago.  It made you who you are.  And I see you, I see you completely and I love that person.”

This new guy, who is detached, and self serving, and would get involved with this woman who has no scruples, but doesn’t talk to him, leaving him free to be with whoever he wants during the week…I don’t know him.  He’s not someone I would fall for.  But the one who sat on my deck and we talked about our lives and lessons and philosophy and flirted and bantered back and forth, for hours, I love him, I will always love him.

So when I miss him, I miss the guy I loved.  There’s nothing there for me to miss now, so I can let go.  I have let go.  I will be friends with him, I think he, more than anyone I’ve ever known, needs to have someone consistently love him, but love is a many faceted jewel.  I won’t love him the way I did, but I’ll always love him without judgement, without limit.

I’m going to my niece’s wedding today, and I feel free of that huge burden of rejection, hurt, pain.  I’m not jealous of Betty Boop.  I would NEVER want a relationship like they have. I don’t want the man she has.  My heart is free, two weeks later, to find love again.  I’m happy that I feel this way, especially going to see my family.  I will be able to fully enjoy them, there will be no dark cloud over my head.  I am open, and that’s a huge part of attracting what you want, being open to letting it in.

I’ll be his keeper of secrets.  I’m good with that. I’m still honored to be trusted in that way, and won’t break that trust. (My ability to trust him is another story altogether.)  I’ll always feel tender toward him, because I see him. I’ve always seen him.  That’s probably why he could tell me what he has.  Because, I see him, and love that being in his center, just because he exists.  Even though he’s locked up right now.