It was a rough night last night.  Maybe because I opened up to A about my struggle to reclaim myself..  Maybe because I got hit by one of those rogue waves on the way home from work.  But last night I wrote the next two paragraphs in the middle of the night.

He came to me in a dream. We were together the way we used to be. For awhile, sweet, loving.  And then he began to tell me about being with her, and taking care of something for her. I got so angry. He wanted to know why I was ruining our good time being jealous of her.  I told him to leave. It was exactly the way he would act, the words were exactly what he would say about it. Cut my heart open and ask why I would bleed. 

I woke up wracked in pain, sobbing shaking. I could still feel him, smell him, taste him. I’m afraid to go back to sleep. Afraid he will come again and torture me. Can’t he just leave me alone?

Even in my sleep.  It was such a vivid dream, almost like a visitation.  I suppose there was a reason.  Maybe the purpose is to make me more fully accept that he chose her.  I am apparently still struggling with that, I think it’s mostly because of the way he just turned on me that day.  Suddenly I went from the one he wanted to be with, to a pariah, that he just wanted to quickly get me out of his life to make room for her.

He has since said, no, he wanted to keep me in his life, but under conditions he knows I could never accept.  And there is no trust now, I will never trust him again.

I felt like it was an energetic connection, manifesting.  I rarely remember my dreams, let alone feel so much from them.  Maybe because I’ve cut off all forms of communication to him, this is how his soul will communicate with me.  It’s exactly what he continued to try to convince me to do. To be with him, while he’s still with her. 

I’m considering going to the psychic, to try to understand what holds me back. What it is that keeps me connected.  It doesn’t feel normal.  It’s not like any connection, anything at all, that I’ve ever experienced before. Maybe I’ll talk to my friend Linda, who plays the gongs, but also does many types of energy work, including hypnotherapy.
My dear friend A….is another issue.  And I think talking to him last night didn’t help this struggle any, but I needed him to try to understand, which he doesn’t.  He wants to change my mind. He wants me to rest in his love, and forget about it.  I’ve done that before, but it can’t last, because I need to deal with the reason I chose to be with S, against all reason.  Why did I stay when I knew he would hurt me.  When he TOLD me he  would hurt me. Why did I choose not to believe him.  I tell everyone else, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. But I ignored that sage advice.

I need to know why.  I need to learn how to do it.  I need to understand.  And I need to find a way to stop loving the man.  And stop missing him.  And to stop seeing him as that little boy who just wanted to be loved, but as an adult couldn’t trust it when he got it, and instead fought it, fought not to have it, and found someone who can’t and wont give it to him, and he won’t give it to her.

Until I get this, I won’t be available for any relationship.

And A….is 2000 miles away.  I don’t think I even want to be in a committed loving relationship over a long distance.  I love him, he’s like a best friend, but intimacy requires more than that. If I’m going to be intimate, I want the intensity I felt with S.  I don’t want a relationship where I only see him for a short time with months in between.  I don’t want to live in the desert.  But I also don’t want to be with out the love and kindness of the man.  I’m afraid he will just get sick of my inability to deal with what happened with S and give up on me.

So,rough night.  not much sleep.  Still feel like crying this morning.  I want my life back.  I want to be free of all this emotional encumbrance.  I think it’s too big for me alone.  Today, I may start to seek some help with it.