There were some other notable things that happened yesterday, but I didn’t want to mix them in with my realizations about grief and loss last night.  That was such a big deal for me, because I was able to accept that I will feel it, I was able to release some of that and feel free to let my self cry if I need to.  I’ve been refusing to cry over him any more.  Now I realize that what is left is not about him, but about the emptiness left after the destruction was cleared away from my psyche.

Yesterday I went to lunch at the cove.  It was an incredible day for December, it was in the low 60’s, much more like October, or April, than December.  The sun was out and I had the windows down on my car, breathing in the fresh clean air.  The picture above is one I took while I was there.

But when I got there I felt unsettled, nervous, really out of nowhere.  I suspected it was an energy cord from S.  I sat with it as best I could.  I ate my lunch, I read for a little bit. Finally, I put on some meditation music, lifted my face to the sun with my eyes closed, and decided to send him some reiki.  Again, it can’t ever hurt, it’s God-energy and if he doesn’t want it, he won’t get it, but it’s there if he’s open to it.  Giving it calms me down, because the same energy that I send, passes through me and works it’s magic.  It worked for me, I didn’t feel it any longer after sending it for about 15 minutes.  In fact, I was really in a much better space all afternoon at work.  I’ve kind of decided whenever I get these cords from him, this is how I’ll deal with it.  It is a loving thing to do, which doesn’t attach me to him.  And it always helps me.

Then last night when I got home from the gongs at about 9, I stopped at my mailbox and there was a thick padded envelope from Addie. (“A”).  I smiled, to see his handwriting on the envelope.  He calls me Deborah often, not Deb, and addressed it that way.  Inside was a small box, on which he’d drawn a couple of red hearts.  Inside was a pendant of Kokopelli in southwestern colors.  I love it so much.  Kokopelli is such a happy god, and that’s the way I feel often.

But what a wonderful thing to find, and receive, after that rather intense gong bath.  Here’s a guy who can love with his whole heart, knowing that the outcome won’t be what he wants, but happy to love anyway.  I do love him, so much, because he asks nothing except for me to care about him, which I do.  I am so grateful to have him in my life, he is such a contrast to those who would play games, and wreak havoc on people’s lives and their own.  He owns his story, he stands in it.  He is such a blessing in my life.  I don’t know what I did to deserve him, but his friendship is a gift from the universe.

I guess yesterday was a day of growth, and understanding, and love….I figured out a way to deal with S’s energy spikes that is loving and helps me, I understand why it is so hard to get over this relationship, and then as a reward, had Addie’s unconditional love at the end of the day.

Blessed.  Just blessed.