Saturday Morning, Post-Gong Musings

sun and moon

Today is the first day it’s been cold enough to feel like December.  It’s not going to last either, and is supposed to warm up again next week.  I am delighted at that. Saving so much money on heating bills.  And I haven’t had to break out my heavy coat yet.   With the winter solstice upon us, that’s incredible.

I love the two solstices, winter and summer. For opposite reasons….Winter because it marks the end of shortening days, and the return of the sun.  I’ve always wanted to see the Paul Winter Consort Winter Solstice concert at St. John’s Cathedral in NYC.  I have a friend who has gone many times.  He has brought in a sun gong for the last couple.

I love the summer solstice, because it is the longest day of the year.  I LOVE long days.  I love sitting outside at 9 PM in the twilight, watching fireflies, talking with friends.  I used to love someone who liked to do that too…..  Hopefully I will find someone else who can delight in the simple pleasures that the universe gives us.

I have a cat, who was given to me by my bff when I was living alone after I left my ex, and my son was living with him.  I was fine alone, I didn’t have an issue with it.  It was still better than dealing with the chaos my ex caused moment to moment.  But my friend couldn’t stand that I was coming home to an empty house, and foisted Maggie on me.  She’s never been a lap cat, never been cuddly.  She’ll sit beside me at times, but never on my lap.  This morning, I was doing my meditation, and she climbed up on my chest, and sat there purring.  I don’t know what all that was about, but it was sweet.  My head had been pretty clear of thoughts, and when she did that I just thought “love” over and over.

Trying to keep my emotions in check as we approach Christmas, and I’m alone.  Trying not to miss him.  It seems ludicrous to my mind, to miss him.  But last night at the gongs, I think I realized he really did have affection for me.  I’ll leave it at that.  I just started trying to dissect it again, and backspaced out a whole paragraph.  I don’t need to go there.  I know what it was, and I know what it is.  That’s enough.

As with yesterday, I am grateful for what I do have.  My son is off this weekend, it will be nice to have him around.  My bff and I are making Christmas cookies tomorrow.  We make 5 or 6 or 7 kinds, her daughter will be with us, home from college.  We generally have spiked eggnog or something while we do it, and Christmas carols on, and laughter.  Oh I love the laughter.

Laughter endears a person to me like nothing else.  And I haven’t done enough of it in the last 6 months.  I intend to change that balance, so that laughter is the rule of the day, and pain rarely shows it’s face.

Love and light to all.

6 responses to “Saturday Morning, Post-Gong Musings

    • That was one of the things I loved about him the most, and miss the most, is no one could make me laugh like he did. He used to say that too, when he hadn’t seen me for awhile, was that he missed sitting on my deck laughing. I have to relegate that to a good memory…and let go of the pain. Someone else will make me laugh one day.

      • I hope so. I remember Loser telling me that he missed me “touching him” when I walked by. I reminded him that he didn’t like it before. He said “I know, but now I miss it.”
        Funny….the things you miss, isn’t it?

        • That’s always what I’ve missed. As our relationship fell apart, I know he missed that as much as me. I am guessing he still does. But I don’t know, we never talk because there’s nothing to tie us together now, except an energetic bond that I can’t shake.

          • Loser and I don’t talk either and never will again. That’s “not the way he wanted it” he says…but he wanted me, him and his WTC to be a happy family…you know bringing her over to my house and sleeping in my bed with her while I slept on the sofa. Yeah, like that was going to happen.
            You may never shake it but it may be pushed further and further back into your conscious and easier to handle.

            • S too, wanted us both. He didn’t understand, really, why he couldn’t have us both. At least, he verbalized that with me, though I’m sure he didn’t ask her why he couldn’t, lol. But now I see him in his entirety, his life story as he told it to me (and apparently I was the only one he told the whole story to). He’s been damaged, but people who should have loved him. He has my compassion. I will always love the child who steered that riverboat right into the storm, and lost his ship. But it will be from a distance….

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