Moving Onward in 2016

OnwardAndUpward

2016, Finally!

I am so glad to leave the past year behind. I learned so much, I lived such extreme experiences. I can’t say it was a waste of time, I can only say it was really hard. Not what I expected at this age.

This year, I have some plans, really good plans that will propel me closer to the life I want to live. I’ve been off of work, and have been able to do some of the things I need to get done to sell my house. The more I do, the more I want to get done. I am so excited for this move. To be far away from the drama that played out in my life, unbidden. To live within 20 minutes of the beach will be a dream come true, in a climate where I can walk on it and not freeze ever. That sounds like heaven to me. I’ll still come back to New England in the summer, and visit friends, during the hottest part of the summer in Florida. My friends and I figure I can spend a month here, staying with various friends. Who will be visiting me in Florida in the dead of the cold winter. It feels win-win to me.

My mom seems to be doing well. She is slipping into dementia, at 94. Caused mostly by her inability to communicate, or read or write, which were her passions. But she seems pretty healthy, and when I spoke to her yesterday, she could still laugh, and recognize my voice. Which brings me joy. I would love if even for a few months I could go visit her daily.

I went out with a friend last night. We went to a hibachi grill and really enjoyed the show the chef puts on in front of you. Flicking food from the grill into people’s mouths from the grill, shooting saki in to people’s mouths, building volcano fires with rings of onions. The food was good too. We totally enjoyed it.

Then we came back to my house, watched some of the New Year’s Eve shows on TV, and talked talked talked. We both had relationships in which we were totally in love, that ended badly during the last year. But we are both moving on, both doing our best to let them go. We are both selling our homes in the spring. Her kids are thinking of moving away to be close to their father for awhile, he’s lived away from them for a long time now and wants them to move near him. She would never stop them, but is not happy about it. She says if they do, though, when she sells the house she may move to Florida too! If her kids move, she has no family ties here, and is a nurse, she can work anywhere. She has a friend near where I want to be that loves it, and it’s really starting to look like a good idea to her. That would be so much fun. She’s my one single friend here who likes to go out and have fun! She’s younger than me by almost 15 years, but we have been friends for 18 years, we used to boat together when our families were intact. Our kids went to school together. My son and her daughter have been really good friends for most of their lives.

I was talking to her about blogging and showed her some of my work. She read one of my poems while I was out of the room, and it made her cry. I showed her some of the stuff I wrote about Scott, the good stuff. She was like God, what is the matter with him, to have someone who loves him like this and then do what he did? She noted how I wear my heart on my sleeve, especially in my writing. He knew, he always knew how I felt. The fact that he could not honor that is his defect, not mine for loving him.

It made me feel good that she felt what I felt when I wrote it, but it also just made me laugh, because there I was, thinking I’d never get over him, and I’m over him, lol. Even last night, we were talking about what we did last New Years. I said, I was with Scott, it was one of my best New Year’s ever. But it didn’t hurt to say it. Nor did I feel the need to question it, and his motives. We had a good time, then. It got all f’d up months later. But I have to say, it was real back then. It was just the two of us, there were no other people involved. I think his feelings then were as genuine as he can be.

No regrets.

I got a Happy New Year message from Addison. Nothing more, no message, just happy new year. Later, I sent him one back, and said “Happy New Year Addison. I hope you find what you are looking for in 2016. I wish you peace.” I heard nothing else from him, don’t expect to. I’m sure it hit a nerve that I called him Addison, not Addie. I talked to my friend about him. How he met this woman on a Friday, Saturday he’s talking about coming to see me, and how I have broken his heart so many times, and Sunday night he’s living in this woman’s house for a week, “to see how we do after we’re together for a week.” Talk about dying to fall in love, and doing it with the first woman that smiled his way. Too needy for me. Needy is near the top of the list of things I can’t stand in a man.

On Christmas, I sent him a Merry Christmas text. I said I hoped he was well. He answered me, “Merry Christmas. Tobi and I just finished breakfast.” Which was just, weird! This is a man who called me his best friend, who sent me kisses and hugs and hearts with every message. Until the Sunday night (two days after he met her) that he had decided to stay with her for a week. He said, “She knows about you.” Scott also told me that about Betty.

And I want to say to both of them, “What does she know?” I knew for a fact that Betty didn’t know the truth at all. But she does now. To Addie, “does she know how much you were in love with me? How you sent me pictures of yourself lying in bed every morning and night, (not naked pictures, just like, good morning and good night, with a smile on his face.) and wanted to come see me for 2 ½ weeks at Christmas? That if I’d agreed, she would not be in the picture?” I doubt that she knows that.

The fact that he had to change the way he communicated with me, immediately, spoke volumes about her being uncomfortable with his relationship with me. Which is fine, but he should have said that to me. “She’s not comfortable with the way we communicated, so I’m going to honor that for the time being….I still love you, as my friend.” Whatever. He never could have the hard conversations. And if you can’t, you probably won’t be my friend for long.

It’s amazing how these two men tried to rewrite history when they were with another woman. I couldn’t do that for a minute. I was clear with Addie, that I was still grieving Scott, when he wanted to come here. I made sure he knew how I loved Scott. I’m not going to let someone make up a story in their head about what was or wasn’t going on.

But I wish him the best. And Scott.

This morning, the first day of 2016, I feel my life is richer, fuller, that I have a greater wealth of experience for having lived through the trials of 2015. My perspective has broadened, my understanding of what I want, and what it will take to get it, is deeper. I always knew I could get through the heartbreak, the trauma. I always said I was strong. Scott disagreed with me, because he could make me cry so easily. I bet he sees me differently now.

It’s a good way to start the year. Positive, looking forward, happy.

As Liz Gilbert says, “ONWARD!” For 2016, let us all move ONWARD!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

6 responses to “Moving Onward in 2016

    • Thanks. No, they don’t. At least, not this last one. But who knows, maybe he’s gone reclusive so he can actually look at himself and understand the destruction he wrought on two women and himself with his dishonesty. I can only hope, for his sake.

  1. I had a close guy friend for years. I knew he always liked me but I’m married n never would’ve happened. He used to sent me texts all the time. Then he “couldn’t” invite me to his wedding cause she doesn’t like how he felt about me. Insecure much? Lol it sucked but his loss 😉

  2. Happy New Year Debbie and friends. Last night I treated myself to a marathon catch-up here. The timing was right and the pain-threshold was manageable. Yes, 2015 turned out to be a year of discernment, conclusions and whether or not I agree with Universal wisdom, so be it. It’s time to move onward indeed!
    My backstory began in 2001 at a church healing retreat where I met my version of S, he being D. There was chemistry altho’ at the time I wasn’t looking, being married since 1975. He was single, going thru custody issues and a V-E-R-Y broken man. We became friends through talking after church for over a year, nothing more, when a mutual acquaintance broke us up. Then in 2002 my husband’s mistress (J), by my best conjecture, told him to fish or cut bait and I became collateral damage. R kept the house, the kids and the dog in exchange for buying me out and alimony. A pretty fair trade as it turns out I got the kids & the dog back soon thereafter, neither of which J wanted.
    Friendship turned into more, way more in 2002 and it was beautiful. Two broken birds helping heal each other…until this broken bird began to heal faster and beyond her mate, around 2004. Then it stopped being beautiful and my raw parts became too much for D. Oh he stuck around for the fabulous sex for the next 10 years and I didn’t complain about that part, the rest, you’ve more than adequately described in your blog Debbie. In great detail. S and D were brothers from different mothers. Narcissists most certainly, and here’s the kicker – so was i. It takes one to know one and of all the people at that retreat, I picked him out!
    You know what broke up our r/s? Not another woman, he’s had Patty since January 2007, and I doubt she knows about me other than I’m a “friend” he once knew – gawd these boy-men are soooooooooo cliché, aren’t they. I even ran into her at a Costco but kept my mouth closed, why hurt her and stop the great sex, right? Believing in the end – he’d chose me b/c I was absolutely the best choice – I loved him more than any woman, including his mother, ever could.
    No, what broke up the r/s was erectile dysfunction. Thank God for small favors. I was a ‘hot’ 64 and he was a burly, overweight 52 and he just plain wore out. Had we had a normal, loving, caring r/s, this wouldn’t have been a deal-breaker. But this was all we had and when it died, so did we.
    Oh, did I neglect to mention that at the same time as ED was beginning I worked up the nerve to ask D for a special favor. I was about to endure a really difficult week and I asked D to ‘contact’ me 1x day. That’s all. It could be text, phone, emoticon, any form of contact was acceptable and did I mention he only needed to do the barest, minimum of that once a day? Any bets on how any times he contacted me during that hellish week? Oh, and to sweeten the pot, he knew the situation, the people involved and how much hurt and pain I was about to experience and how I needed him then more than ever before. He knew full and well.
    None. Not even once…after agreeing “Yes, I can do this.” after sex, of course. That was our last time.
    Oh we saw each other a couple times after that but I wouldn’t let him touch me. AND that, believe it or not, spoke louder than anything I could have, had ever said. Wow. Really? How could I have been so …….????
    In conclusion, this past month I saw him at a concert where I was ‘on duty’ and he had the balls to come up to me and ask about my grandchildren. I said I couldn’t talk then but would later – we arranged to meet at a coffee shop. I had no illusions, or rather delusions, it had been over a year since we had last seen each other due to my going ‘no contact’ and blocking him completely for my piece of mind and recovery. I had gone NC from 2009-2012 when I went back to him, so I was well aware of that “hole in the street.” I just wanted to see who this guy was now that I was ‘clean and sober’ and in my right mind.
    10:30pm we met and 1:10 he walked me to my car. 2.5 hours by my calculations. Any guesses who talked more? Who talked about what really mattered? Who shared their heart most? Their family? Their job, life, whatever?? Nope. Not me. He came up for air long enough to ask me “Gosh I’ve been talking a lot, what about you?” to which I replied “I’m content to listen.” Knowing full well he wasn’t then and perhaps never had been healthy enough to be invested in a 2-way mutually loving relationship. At least this time I didn’t come away with any false hope. It was as dead as his pecker.
    Surprise, i haven’t heard from him since. No Christmas card. Nothing. I haven’t removed my NC and never will. I’m too likely to be wooed back into a tangled web of narcissism, deceit, duality, lies, all in the name of great sex. I can do without the sex, thank you very much.
    I’ve also realized the other 2 men in my life, Jim and Don aren’t really there for me other than stick figures. I’ve known Jim since ’94 when my then-husband cheated on my the first time. He’s been a nice friend but there’s really nothing there and I’ve outgrown him. It’s painful to be around him and the silence is deafening. I need communication! Don’s a sweetheart and if he could just be D, I’d have married him years ago. He’s everything that a*hole isn’t. He’s sweet, kind, thoughtful, caring, capable of loving and being loved and he rides a motorcycle and has an RV – be still my heart! He’s also a mild Aspberger’s.  Yup, that means his emotional quotient is very basal and this is another facet I can’t live without. I need a man who can talk and feel like I do, like you do, like we do. I’m not asking for another woman, just someone who’s a mix of Don and Doug, that’s all. And I know he exists and we are going to meet in 2016! I’m manifesting him now that I’ve done my work, healed and am ready.
    Thanks for sharing gf’s – here’s to an amazing, wonderful, fabulous, fun, exciting, ‘moving’ year for you 2 and a year full of joy, happiness and great memories!!! Hugs.

    • OMG, I have been thinking about you, and really, was going to email you . Which I will do.

      I’ve been amazed and the number of people who have been sucked into the narcissists drama. S…I loved so frigging much, and I still love him on another level. Which he’ll never get. I have no regrets over what I did, forcing him to tell her, forcing him to be accountable, making sure she knew the truth. I felt to do otherwise would have made me an accomplice to his woven web of deceit.

      I’ve had so many questions regarding my relationship with him though. Mostly why I can’t shake the connection with him, and now it seems I have some answers. Which give me understanding, but don’t change anything. I’m ready for this year. Planning a move to Florida when I sell my house, and I’m hoping what is there is what I’ve been looking for. I would love to find someone just like S…that wasn’t a narcissist, that didn’t need multiple women to satisfy his holes. I loved his sense of humor, his intelligence, his story telling, his quirkiness, his damn blue eyes…I loved it all, like crazy. But I can’t deal with a man who can’t be faithful to me. Considering he said I was the best he ever had, lol. I think there’s someone out there who’d be happy about that and faithful to it! LOL.

      On to your next comment! I’m so glad to hear from you! xoxo

  3. Sounds like a start of a great year. There are many changes and moving. I find it really refreshing when moving to live in a new place! It is really helping you move on. Me and my boyfriend have moved to a new city last year and it was amazing new start for us. Finding new job, new friends…I wish you a great 2016!

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