Sitting out on my deck, having coffee outside this morning. It’s my first time this season. It’s where I spend my hour to myself every morning when it’s warm enough. It’s not really warm out yet, it’s ony 50°F, but I have a blanket around my shoulders and the sun is warm on my back. There are few clouds in the brilliant blue early morning sky. It promises to be a beautiful day.
There are a few things on my mind this morning. I did a gratitude meditation, and have so much to be thankful for. For one, that I have this place to sit and have my coffee. That my health, while I am diabetic, and arthritic, is actually pretty good. The diabetes is well controlled, the arthritis seems to be improving as of late. It is really only in my hands that I have an issue with it. I haven’t had as much as a cold in maybe a year, and even then, the last cold I had was very minor. So I say, I am blessed with good health. Nothing that affects my quality of life.
I am grateful for my family. My son who is doing remarkably well, is healthy, strong. He has found his niche I think, and is making something of his life. I’ve worked hard with him to overcome the affects of growing up in an abusive dysfunctional household, and he seems to be emotionally mature. I am proud of him. And grateful.
I’m grateful for my two sisters, and my mother. We have always all been very close, even though we live at great distances from each other. My mother’s stroke, which has left her partially paralzyed and unable to communicate, has stressed and tested the bonds between my sisters and I, but we have always had our base in love and care, and when things get tough, we return to it, for comfort and love.
I am grateful for the presence of S in my life. He has added a dimension to the joy in my life that seems to balance it.
I am grateful for my family of friends. Last night I went with a friend to a high school play to see another friend”s daughter. We got to the high school close to starting time, because we had waited to watch the Kentucky Derby before we went. The friend whose daughter was in the play greeted us at the door. “Go down to the 4th row,” she said. “You’ll see everyone, there are seats there for you.” And there in the 4th row were more of our friends, and some of her family, who I am also close to. I love being part of a group of people who have been best friends for 10 or 15 yars. Blessed. Just blessed.
I ran into my old next door neighbor at the play. I knew my old house had been sold in a foreclosure sale. I am concerned about what my ex will do,he has lived there almost 40 years now. He does not adapt to change well,which really is the crux of why he lost the home. I also know that he blames me for it all, (because if I hadn’t left him, and he hadn’t had to give me a settlement….yada yada yada) and so I am not in a position to call him and see how he is, what his plans are, to ease my mind that he will recover from this. I know he is devastated, but I don’t want to be at the receiving end of his anger again, at least, not face to face. He is probably going to lose his business too.
Truth be told, if I hadn’t left him, and then our son, he would most likely still be drinking, and would have gone through all the money he had to give me, (since he already went through much more money than the amount awarded me) and we would all be facing homelessness. My being there, working with him was just a form of enablement.
But it’s sad, to see someone with whom you shared so much of your life, get to such a state. Knowing that there was a time when he, we, could have had everything we ever wanted Ego and greed and fear destroyed his life. I pray that someday he’ll see the real reasons why his life unfolded as it did.
But this morning, I turn to gratitude. That some light shone on me, and I have been able to create a joyful life. Family, friends, a man who I thoroughly enjoy who boggles my imagination every time I’m with him, a home, a life. I am blessed.
I can’t remember who said it, but some one said, “If you only have one prayer, let it be Thank you.” This morning it is Thank you.
Category Archives: personal musings
Looking for Solid Ground
Broken sleep. Wake to a grey rainy day. It matches my mood. It isn’t cold, That’s a blessing. But it’s dark, the way I feel. It’s dull, non-descript. It’s going to rain soon.
It’s how I feel. Grey. Muted. Non-descript. Realizing that I have given myself away, and I’m empty.
A wants to see me again. He’s moving. He wants to see me before he goes. I have not wanted to. Why? He was nothing but loving and kind, his only crime was that he was not S.
S….is currently breaking my heart, again. It doesn’t make me want A. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and not come out until I’ve stopped loving him.
It just makes me rethink not saying goodbye to A. It is a simple request. I think I mostly said no because I knew the relationship with A bothered S. Not wanting to disrupt the healing I thought was going on with S, I didn’t want to interject A into it again.
But now? What healing goes on between S and I? What was, is no more. The schism grows daily. I don’t think my saying goodbye to A will make one bit of difference to S. I am stopping dreaming of being wrapped in S’s arms, because it doesn’t happen. I am pretty sure that when I see him I will aggravate him, I will find out another reason why he doesn’t want to be in love or a relationship, one more thing about why he loved his ex girlfriend, despite what she did to him. I will feel his anger, or disappointment, that I am not her. (Funny how my sin of not being her, is the same as A’s, that he was not S.) I will feel bad that I want him to myself. That I want him to love me. I feel guilty? ashamed? embarassed? at the depth of my feeling that he cannot match. I want to hide from his gaze. I don’t want to see how he doesn’t love me.
I’m in a small boat, out on a big sea, alone. I climb to the top of the swell, and see the beautiful world, and sky. Then inevitably I glide down the swell, and all I can see it water all around me. And one little patch of sky, to remind me there is more than the water. I’m ready to be on solid ground again.
Being Intentional
My book club has been reading Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukov. It’s a small group, 5 of us. The book has a couple of chapters on intentions, and how important it is that we mindfully set intentions.
I first began to learn about intentions during my divorce. During that time I was seeking any and all information that could help me find my way through the minefield of ending a 40 year relationship, a 32 year marriage, and keep my head centered and grounded, and not get caught up in the vortex of negative emotions that surrounded it.
I’m not sure where or how the idea of setting intentions came to me. But at some point during the divorce I stopped thinking about how things were (scary, lonely, broke, sad, missing my son) and instead thinking about what I wanted them to be (my son with me, in my own beautiful sunlit home). I stopped wishing that my ex would get hit by a bus, and began dreaming about shopping for furniture.
4 years after I started that chaotic process, I had a beautiful home, on the side of a hill where the property is bordered by tall trees, and the sun shines through my skylights and warms my soul. My son and I have been very happy here.
So, I’m proof that intentions can work.
I started with parking places. Driving to the grocery store, or Walmart,I got in the habit of saying “I will get a good parking space. I will get a good parking space.” It has almost always worked. If, driving to work, I set the intention that the day would go smoothly, it often would.
Now….as with others in my book club, I don’t know what my intentions are. I watched Oprah say that after she read Seat of the Soul, she insisted that every show she did had an intention. So what are mine now?
To finish and publish my book, and have at least a few people who don’t know me buy it. To be able to retire comfortably in a warmer climate, and to spend my days making jewelry, writing, reading, performing reiki for people. Near or on a beach, listening to the sound of the waves, watching dolphins, collecting shells, eating fresh fruit and veggies, and maybe, if I really do it right, having the company of a special man to share it all with.
The thing is, I’m blessed with a wonderful life. My divorce was hard, contentious, drawn out, emotional. The same as all divorces. But I was blessed to have a wonderful close knit group of friends who saw me through it. Who helped me grow, who included me always. Like I told a friend at book club, I had a wonderful life the second I left that house where everything was broken down, let go, ad falling apart. The marriage was just one more thing that didn’t work anymore. The minute I was out, friends were at the door with the movers to help me begin my new life.
But back to intentions. Should I be setting them for some loftier goal? World peace maybe?
I think I have to, we all have to, listen to our hearts. To our gut. And follow our passion. Every thought we have affects the whole. Today I saw a video that a Korean woman had set up an experiment to show how her emotions affected water in bowls set out around here in a pattern of sacred geometry. It clearly showed how we our thoughts and emotions ripple outward.
The thing is, it would be easy to set a negative intention without even knowing you were doing it. If, for instance, you wake up dreading your day, thinking about what is going to go wrong at work, it probably will. We had an order at work that just went bad. First we got the wrong product. Then the right product got stuck in customs, then left behind at the UPS facility, twice, extra security scans…yada yada yada. I was saying to my boss, boy when an order goes wrong it really goes wrong.
But did it go wrong because we expected it to? It’s so easy, and is external ego power like Gary Zukov says, to find fault with others and play the blame game and expect it all to go bad. But was it partially caused by our acceptance, our expectation, that it would go bad?
As for world peace….well, I tend to believe that our souls choose these lives to learn specific lessons. And for some reason I don’t think the lesson I came here to learn was how to achieve world peace. But perhaps it was, how to achieve inner peace.
So, for now, I will continue setting intentions for finishing and publishing my book, for retiring where it is warm, for spending my days doing things that are a passion for me, and with, hopefully, someone who I’m passionate about and who is passionate about me.
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