I am realizing that I am gunshy, very much tentative, regarding a relationship. Even though I’d love to have someone in my life, I am also deathly afraid of being devastated again. The dichotomy of these two things is wreaking havoc with my sleep, and my balance.

Yesterday, I had a date with a nice looking, very kind and loving man. A good man. Yet I can feel myself hold back, and it’s not him, it’s me. I’m just fucking afraid of getting hurt. Thanks Scott. You have really fucked with me, like I told you. And I know it gives you a great deal of satisfaction.

Note the latent anger in those last two sentences. Because realizing this makes me angry, that I have to even deal with it. I want my own power back.

But I do have to deal with it. I’m going to start working on this. This morning during my meditation I also did self reiki on my heart chakra, to open it, and my solar plexus, to deal with the fear demon.

I can see a faint path visible when I close my eyes, to loving someone. It’s faint, and I think I have to walk down it very carefully. Very mindfully. Noticing the whole landscape, the whole big picture. But I won’t shy away from it, and remain alone out of fear. I just refuse to allow that to happen to me.

I got a lovely text from GG this morning, and tried to respond similarly. He’s not had an easy life either, but it didn’t turn him into a narcissist. Quite the opposite. Instead of game playing with people’s lives, he has a huge circle of friends and family, and loves them all dearly. Funny how the same situation can result in two completely different reactions from two different people.

I’ve always said, and it’s been true, that I wear my heart on my sleeve. People know how I feel about them. Yet….I feel myself, with GG, holding back. Perhaps I’m just braving trust, finding out what the boundaries are, seeing if he’s reliable, and accountable before I get too involved. Funny, I talked about my marriage and my ex with him yesterday. Not about S, not at all. I think there are many reasons, but the biggest one is it feels too personal yet, and too much like baggage that I am still carrying around.

I’m going to go to open mic tonight. I’m going to be myself, and love the world, as is my way. Try to add to people’s lives, not take from them. If the keyboard player shows up….well he shows up. Maybe we’ll talk more, who knows. I’m not fretting about it. He’s in town a lot, there are many opportunities to connect.

I’m going to try to just forget about it all for the next few days, while I’m with my sister and brother-in-law. It’s easy when I’m with them. I’m happy to have a break from my own head And I’ll stay in touch with GG, while I’m gone. Because he is such a decent man.

Pondering this morning, trying to work it all out, so I can be the woman I know I am.

Love and light.

Since I’ve been obsessing a little about this date, I figured I should, as Laurel says, dish a little.  LOL.

I had a really nice day today with GG. He bought me lunch, I bought us ice cream. We walked and talked. He is astute and notices everything, and has things to say about them. Not to show his smarts, which he has, but just to discuss what he’s seeing. He’s an interesting guy, a mix of country boy and college grad. Played drums and bass fiddle in a country string band for years, 17 years. Traveling all over the east, and eastern Canada.

We went over to a nature park in town at Clam Bayou, which is an estuary kind of, off the bay here. They have a launch for kayaks, so he is planning to bring his kayak one day, and we’ll go out and kayak through. We were sitting on a bench at the top of a hill overlooking the bayou, which I’m guessing is the only hill in Pinellas County, lol, and talked for a long time. We walked out on a fishing pier that extends into the bayou and a school of big fish, at least 2′ long, were madly jumping out of the water. It was wild! He was hesitant to show affection, and it was king of cute. LOL. When he was leaving he began to walk out the door, and I said, “Aren’t you even going to give me a hug?” He said he wasn’t sure I wanted one. So he came back in and hugged me and kissed me too, nice kisses. I liked kissing him. But let it go at that…..

I guess the next time we meet will be up where he lives, so he can take me kayaking out on the bay there, or maybe just show me the town, Idk. But while sparks didn’t fly, we enjoyed each other’s company. We have a lot in common, it seems. We both love chocolate, lol.

It was a cool cloudy day until about 2, when the sun came out and it warmed right up from the 60’s to the low 70’s. Still…I’m saying cool, I was still in a skort, and t-shirt, with a light sweater. Lots to do before I go to my sisters for Christmas. A little more baking, and tomorrow night is open mic night. Who knows, the keyboard player I met Sunday may show up, that would be nice. I liked him a lot too.

This dating thing can be fun. The right one will come along, may have already and I just don’t know it! LOL.

Love and light.

I’m thinking this morning, pondering, the question of whether or not I tell GG about the blog when we meet today. I don’t keep secrets about myself well. The blog is a huge part of my life. But I also know he would want to read it, and I’m not sure I am ready for him, in fact I know I’m not, to know how much I was hurt by my last relationship. I think it would be detrimental to the growth of a relationship with him. Nor do I want to tell him about the blog, but refuse to give him the link, that just seems so childish.

I’m really looking just to build a foundation with him today, not to tell him the ugly sordid tales of my past. I can brush over them, and have, in the briefest of ways. I don’t want to get into it too much more than that for now.

We have not really discussed how much I write. We’ve talked more about the jewelry making, and Reiki practice. I will tell him I write…obsessively, lol. But I think I learned the lesson from S, how much trouble the blog can cause a relationship. Although, the trouble with S was how he treated me, and him not liking to see that stuff published. I feel sure that kind of stuff won’t be present in a relationship with GG, if there is one.

I suppose that if our relationship progresses I can tell him later, and tell him then why I was hesitant to let him know. When I dated Addison, I didn’t tell him for a very long time, not until he was gone and on his road trip. Of course a big difference was that I was never IN love with Addison. I loved him, but could not fall IN love with him, even though I tried. He did not ask for the link, because I told him that it was an anonymous thing, and that no one who knew me had the link to it. Which was basically true. S was the only person I gave the link to, and it caused endless problems for us. And peripherally, for him, when he let the gf know about it. But that was his problem. My problem was how much he hated that I exposed him. I didn’t start writing regularly until I was with S, come to think of it. He just gave me so much stuff that I had to work through, and that’s how I do it.

I’ve seen no sign of the issues I had with S, with GG. None. He kind of wears his heart on his sleeve. He doesn’t seem to hold his cards too close to his chest. I’ll know better after today. I am pretty sensitive to the signs of a dysfunctional relationship now. Seems like a guy who talks about including you in his life, and has lots of friends and family, and loves life and laughing, is not a game player. Not like S…. I still think S only feels love if someone is crying over him.

I loved that GG planned this day, and said, “We can spend the whole afternoon together.” Like he was excited about it.

So I guess the best decision I can make in this moment is only to tell him that I write, the kinds of things I write, just not that it is published. I will tell him, if our relationship grows.

I wrote a post about a year ago, called Braving Trust, ( https://learningtolivelikewaterblog.com/2015/11/28/braving-trust/ ) based on Brene Brown’s talk on The Anatomy of Trust. Then, I filtered my relationship with S through it. But I also learned how people should earn trust. One thing I learned is, you trust people who have filled your marble jar with small seemingly insignificant things that make you know you can trust them. It’s not the big things, it’s the small every day occurrences that build trust. I trusted S for all the wrong reasons and he broke my heart a hundred times.

GG has already started trying to earn my trust, and I his. I’m gonna let that happen before I throw anything as big as my blog at him to deal with. If it even happens. I know I’m talking like it will, for sure. And I don’t know, we may not like each other so much when we meet. Just saying, we can talk on the phone for an hour and a half, he happily calls me a couple times a day. The possibilities are palpable. I’m hopeful, really hopeful, this time. With this guy.

Thank you all for sitting with me while I work this out, lol. It was a good exercise, regardless of how this turns out with GG, because it’s a question I now have the answer to for future reference. If GG and I don’t get to the place where I think he needs to know about the blog, it will happen with someone else.

Love and light.

This is something I have bookmarked, to listen to when I can’t shut the noise of my monkey mind down.  I just thought I’d share tonight.

Love and light…..

OMG! I have a working washer and dryer!!! Whoo Hoo. They really had to squeeze it in. My laundry closet had 1” clearance. But they made it fit, and I can close the door on it. So so happy to be able to do laundry at home! Tonight, my laundry basket is empty! So cool….

GG called me a couple of times today. We’re going to spend the day together tomorrow, see if the connection face to face is as good as the one on the phone. I’m really looking forward to it. He’s the first man I’ve felt a real connection to since, well, he who shall remain nameless. I can tell GG feels the connection too, no games. He’s not been to Gulfport in a long time, so we’re gonna get lunch, explore the waterfront, and maybe the nature preserve at Clam Bayou, where they have biking/hiking trails and lots of people kayak, which GG does a lot of. He has a two seater kayak. 🙂

I went down to the Fresh Market in town this morning. It’s not just produce etc, but crafters too.  It’s such a great thing, they do this every Tuesday morning. Maybe 50 booths.  I got something for my sister, and for myself, lol. Also bought some really good cheese to take to her house. Then I made more of one kind of the Christmas cookies because people keep asking me for them, and I wanted to make sure I had enough to take to my sisters.

I’ve not been sleeping well, the last couple of days. I am really tired tonight. I wanted to stay up and watch the 90^th birthday celebration for Tony Bennett, but I don’t think I’ll be able to stay up for it. So many incredible performers in it.

Hope you all have a nice night. Love and light.

We’re getting a break from the sunshine this morning, though I’m sure it won’t last. It’s warm, 71 at 6:30. But very cloudy, dark. I think it’s really the kind of clouds you get from fog. I would guess it’s quite foggy over the water. There’s a hint of a breeze.

The guy I messaged with yesterday called me last night. I’ll call him GG. In regard to Mercury retrograde, he did have a hard time connecting to me on the phone! Got a wrong number, and then called while I was talking to my electrician. But we finally connected when I called him back. We talked for an hour and a half. It was nice to talk to someone as forthcoming as I am. Maybe it’s because he’s an Aries also. He continues to tell good stories, and he laughs often and easily. He has a family he loves, a daughter, siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews. Lots of friends it seems.

That all bodes well for us getting along. He seems to want to include me, once we get to know each other, in that life. He talks about my coming up to his town, going kayaking with him in the bay near his house and even out into the Gulf. I used to kayak in another life, when I lived on the lake. My son and I would go together. But I told him I’ll need a refresher course, it’s been more than 10 years for me. I told him a little about Gulfport, he’s 22 miles away but never been here.  He wants to come here too, and check it out.

He made me laugh when he told me I was a much better-looking person than him.  LOL.  I said, “that’s cuz you’re a guy!  I think you are very good looking!”  He laughed, but there seemed to be an energetic blush in the laugh, if you know what I mean.

When we hung up he texted me, that he is really excited to meet me now that we’ve talked. I’m not sure when we’ll meet, but I’m going to see if he can do Wednesday this week, day after tomorrow. I’d like to meet him before Christmas, since I’ll be gone for a few days then.

I’ll be leaving for my sisters Friday, and back Monday night or Tuesday. Then Wednesday next week I will get my new windows. I hate to put off meeting him til then. But it is what it is. We agreed to keep talking til we meet to get to know each other better.

Seems like a real guy, honest, comfortable in his own skin, and emotionally available. The signs are all pointing in the right direction.  Maybe my string of bad luck has ended?

As for my electrician, he called because my bank bounced the check to him! I wrote a couple weeks ago, how they bounced my tax check. My account number would not come up when a check was entered, but it would connect through my debit card or an EFT. Weird. I gave him my debit card on the phone, and he called me back while I was talking to GG to tell me that it was declined. That has to be a number wrong. I used the card multiple times yesterday. I called him back to tell him, but it went to voice mail. I’ll contact him again today. I feel bad, he did such a nice thing taking care of me so quickly. More Mercury retrograde problems, really.

This morning I’m going to the Fresh Market in town. It’s got food at it, produce and other hand-made goods, but also crafters. I want to see what I can find for my sister and her hubby. I have bought them both a book, recommendations of my sister, they both read incessantly. They’ve done so much for me though, I’d like to get them something special, a surprise.

The washer/dryer are coming between 1 and 5 today. Very excited about that! My laundry is piling up, lol. I hope there are no retrograde issues with it! It’s been hard enough!

I’m sorry the Electoral College voted for Trump. I’m sad about it. But I expected that they would. I guess now we just hold onto our seats, and go for the ride. And if the chance comes along to push the emergency stop, we push it collectively.

As a whole, I am feeling very happy this morning. The energy is full of possibilities, good things are happening this week. The winter solstice, Christmas, maybe a date that will be a lot of fun. If not this week, then soon.

Love and light everyone.

You know, sometimes you get what you asked for. Just saying.

I canceled my date tonight. I just went with my gut, I didn’t want to go out with him tonight. I was not completely honest with him, though I will be at some point. I just felt like I would blindside him if I told him the whole truth today, after just making the date with him yesterday.

One of the big reasons was a guy messaged me, and we have been messaging back and forth and really hitting it off. I am way more attracted to him. He’s nice looking, has those killer blue eyes I love, is very active, and tells me outlandish stories that are funny. He has a cool sense of humor. Writes long messages, like me. Not one or two sentences. The guy I broke the date with had blue eyes too, but not the killer kind, lol. This guys eyes were the first thing I noticed, and his seemingly genuine smile. Not so much with the guy I broke the date with.

He seems to be a good guy. He says he is. When he sent his first message, he said he was not one of those serial daters, but is really one of the good guys, and he thinks we have a lot in common. I believe him.  My gut, again, lol.

And even if he’s all fake, I at least went with my gut and didn’t go out with someone just to go out.

I’m very excited because my friend who let me show my jewelry at her gallery exposition in St. Petersburg just called me to say that 2 of the 7 necklaces sold! COOOL! $55 I didn’t expect to get!! I’m starting to get back into the jewelry thing, and have been making a coiled wire now since yesterday. You have to wrap a thin gauge wire around a thicker gauge. It takes a couple hours to get one that’s about 10” long. I’m using bronze wire. It will look pretty cool I think, when I use it to wire wrap a stone. I’ll put up a picture of it when it’s done.

Right now I am just so grateful! Liking this new guy, and happy I have some extra money coming! Whoo Hoo!

Love and light…. 🙂