I find it interesting, usually, to look at the WP statistic that shows what people have been reading of my old blogs. Most of the views on my blog are the home page, followed by the maybe 5 or 6 most recent blogs. Then there are the old blogs people read. I assume that these have been suggested related blogs on something else the reader has viewed.

This morning more than a few old ones showed up from overnight. Old blogs that brought back memories I’d rather not remember. Broken hearts, poignant memories. Things I’d let go of, but that circled back into my head when I saw them. Refreshing the pain of a year or so ago.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to free myself from all that emotion, but it is what it is. Sometimes I want to delete them, as if I could delete that chapter of my life. But I can’t. It was real, and there are real emotions, real feelings, still requiring working out. To delete them would be to deny them….and that’s just not my way. Sit with them, and let happen what will happen.

Seems this sitting with it thing is going on too long. I am not sleeping well, Maybe 5 or 6 hours a night and that’s only thanks to an Ambien. I feel like my life is careening off track, and I’m making a commitment today to get it back on track this week.

Anyway, that’s what I woke up to.  I think that it might do me a lot of good to find some blogs where I was happy, and remember that too. I’m thinking of going back on a dating site down here. Just to meet people, to expand my circle. I’m so grateful for the friends I’ve made, I just want to meet some people on my own. Try for something completely new. Enough of this sitting alone at night, or hanging with my girlfriends. I miss male energy in my life, in a big way.

So, this morning I have my coffee. We’re going to brunch, my friend and I. Usually there are a couple of guys that sing on open mic night there, that we usually hang out with. That will be nice. It’s another perfect Florida day. I’ll probably be able to wear shorts, or a skort, over there.

It will also be really good for me to get out of town to my sisters for a few days next week for the holiday. She is so good at reminding me who I am, and what I deserve. And it will be fun to be pre-occupied with making a huge meal for 13 people. Not to mention, I can go walk on the beach every day there, it’s 2 blocks away. Its also about 800 ft from the town dock where I can go for sunrise. I’ve missed going here to the fishing pier since I got sick. Even though I’m much better now, I still don’t want to risk driving down there and finding out I need to run back home. Still happens occasionally.

Which brings me to needing to exercise more. Probably one reason I don’t sleep well, and why I can’t let go of a lot of things. I need to get out, get more active. My new health insurance covers memberships to gyms, I think I may look into that, and find one close to me.

There are a lot of ways out of the situation I find myself in. This morning I’m determined to do it, and get back to my happy place. Last night was a good start, getting out and listening to my new friends play music. Laughing and talking in between songs, because it was such an informal atmosphere. I need more of that.

I need less looking at old blogs that people are reading, for sure.

Onward I go. Love and light.

After having such a hard day, I am much better tonight. This is usually the outcome, if I can just sit with it until it’s gone. Byron Katie’s voice was buried deep, but it finally came through. Is it true? Do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt it’s true? How would you feel if you didn’t have this story?

No, the thing bothering me is something I have no way of knowing if it was true, and I finally decided that until I could know, I would just let it be. And even if I knew, I’d let it be. The stories we can make up for ourselves are so destructive.

I went out with a friend to an art show. The woman who put it on teaches kids with disabilities how to paint. The show is theirs, the paintings are theirs and people buy them, many of them are quite good. A couple of our friends provided music, there was food, etc. Met some new people, and I had some fun. It was local, down by the beach. It gave me a lift to get out and around people. Everywhere I go now, I am beginning to know at least one or two people.

The only downside was the damn palmetto bug in my bathroom when I got home. Not happy about that, lol. They are soooooo damn creepy.

Tomorrow a bunch of us will go to brunch at the local outdoor cafe.  I’ll probably just have coffee, but it’s a lovely way to spend a couple hours.  With friends, and music.  The weather will be warm enough for shorts.

But if that’s the biggest problem I have, I’m lucky. Love and light everyone.

Palmetto bug runs

Through my bathroom in the dark.

Totally creeped out.