The morning sun is lighting up the stained glass in my front door window, casting reds and blues and greens across the room. It looks to be another beautiful day here in paradise.

It’s always such a relief to get through an episode of angst, and anger and pain. Kind of like the relief you feel after you’ve been sick and you finally feel better. It’s delightful to have moved beyond it. I’ve been through it far too many times in the last few years. I think this time, I can leave it completely in the past.

I have so much to look forward to. Going to my sister and brother-in-laws on the island. Going to the town dock for sunrise, maybe down to the Gulf for sunset. Most of all, to be celebrating Thanksgiving with them, and their friends. I always feel like my mother is so close when I’m there. I drive by the place she used to live to get there, by the church she used to walk to. And I sleep in the bed she slept in when she lived with my sister. I’m excited for my dates, which seem to be firming up for next week. It’s about time.

I came here for many reasons. First, because I wanted to retire, and couldn’t afford to stay where I was and retire. I wanted to downsize, and I love my little house, Avalon. It is the perfect size for me. I wanted to make a fresh start, to leave so much pain and difficulty behind me. Avalon, the mystical place of healing and new beginnings. I guess when my car was totaled and I got so sick, I kind of forgot that dream. But it’s back, and I don’t expect to be reaching backward again.

I talked with my son last night for quite awhile. He’s made some new friends, and is going to one of their houses for Thanksgiving. I’m happy about that. He wants me to come see him. I told him I would like him to come here in the winter/late spring, and I’ll go there when it begins to get really hot here. Maybe in June. He thought that was a good idea. I think he was worried about paying for a ticket here, but I told him I’d pay for it, lol. I miss him so much.

It’s chilly this morning but will get up into the mid-70’s this afternoon. I am about to begin making the stuffing for the turkeys to take to my sisters. Then I think I’ll go down to the water and take a walk. Come back and get my things packed, get a shower, and head out to my sisters by mid afternoon. I get to drive across the beautiful Skyway bridge, which I love.

Life is good. Love and light, all.

I went down to the beach this morning and walked about a mile. I sat in a swing at the beach, like a front porch swing, and watched the water lap the shore. I walked up the fishing pier, and the water was so clear, so many colors. I saw so many schools of small fish. There were no fishermen there, then, but as I left there were a few men getting their gear out of their cars and heading up the pier.

It was a lovely cool day, in the 60’s. A slight breeze off the gulf. It soothed my psyche, eased my mind. Reminded me what I loved in this world, and what really doesn’t matter. I am done with drama in my life. I have a friend who constantly has drama in her life, and I can barely stand to talk to her anymore. There is so much more to life, than the games people play. Like, a sea breeze, a happy life, friends who care about us. Family.

I breathed deeply, trying to fill my lungs with the peace of the sea. I closed my eyes, face to the sun, and searched for gratitude for all my blessings. One of which is to live in a place where I can get to the ocean in 5 minutes.

This is a good place to be, heading into Thanksgiving. To have let go of the angst, to have moved on in my life, appreciating what I have. Even though I had to turn the heat on last night, lol. It got into the 40’s, so I set the thermostat for 67. It was a good sleeping night, the kind where you hate to get out from under the covers when the rising sun comes in the windows.

I have a tentative date for Wednesday after Thanksgiving, to have a drink somewhere on St. Pete Beach. The sunsets there are incomparable. And I may be meeting someone at the Gulfport Artwalk the Friday after Thanksgiving. Even if the plansdon’t work out, it is a pleasant thought, dates with pleasant men.

Life may have been rough for a few days, but as always, the struggle brings us to a new place, a new horizon, a new lesson learned. And that’s the whole point, I believe. To learn lessons and evolve our souls.

Love and light, to all.

I was a little angry, perturbed, when I got up this morning. Then I went to use my phone and couldn’t. For some reason Sprint reversed the payment I made to them over a week ago, and then shut my phone off today. I had paid it using my checking account. So I paid it again, using my debit card. Then I sat on the phone with them for 10 minutes waiting to talk to someone, and they blamed the bank.

OK, the bank is 4 blocks from me. I quickly got dressed and flew over there. The branch manager looked up my account and Sprint never put the original payment through. The bank doesn’t show it in there at all, not as a charge, not reversed.

GRRRR. The phone is now working, and my bank account is ok, but I was freaking out. Seriously, thinking someone had hacked my account.

Having your phone shut off is traumatic. It’s my only form of communication with the outside world, and my son’s.

Nevermind why I woke up irritated. Just more bullshit that means nothing. I need to get busy doing something besides writing, and dredging shit up that’s a waste of time and energy.

Trying to calm down, this is just a rant. Beats pacing the floor or screaming. I have therapy at noon, which is a back massage. Hopefully that will help.

Think I’ll go down to the water, and take a walk.

Love and light.

A heart was stolen
In broad daylight, it was snatched
By the thief of hearts.

He stole more than mine
They’re hidden in his closet
Behind latticed doors.

He’s sly, this cold thief
The heart was offered for free.
Didn’t have to steal.

But steal it he did
And the others on the shelf
Awaiting freedom.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

Too much coffee today. I had a cup at 6 AM. That’s usually it for me. I had another half a cup with a friend who stopped by, bringing me veggies from the community garden 4 doors down. She said “George wants you to make some more soup.” LOL. Well, I’ll need a few more veggies, than a turnip and a handful of beans, and one eggplant (which I don’t use in the soup.) But it was a nice thought. I’ll probably make some kind of soup next weekend, and share it.

We went to the outdoor cafe, then, for brunch. I had another cup of coffee there. They had pumpkin coffee. Usually I stick with regular unflavored coffee but that sounded good. But, I certainly didn’t need the caffeine. Now I am jittery, and really tired because I didn’t sleep at all well last night. And my stomach is upset. Probably left-over emotions from the last couple of days in my solar plexus and sacral chakras. I was able to somehow doze off a bit while I was reading this afternoon. That’s a good thing.

Brunch was very nice. In the low 60’s, just cool enough for a light jacket. About 6-8 of us, different people at different times, sat around the fire pit talking, and listening to another of our friends play guitar and sing. We left there about 2:30, and are headed back there this evening. One of the local artists made a CD and is having a CD party tonight there. It will be fun, lots of people will be there. It shouldn’t be a late night either, which is a good thing.

A lot of the local musicians have CD’s of their own. When they perform they sell them for $5 or $10 each. My friend Beth sings harmonies on some of them. So it’s a big deal in a small community, and is the way the artists support each other.

We ran into another friend as we were leaving, the one who wanted to start a writers group. We talked about it briefly. I made sure she knew I was still interested.

I cooked another of the sugar pumpkins I have to use for pumpkin pies when I got home. Talked to my sister. We have not talked this week much. I got her up-to-date on my plumbing issues. And told her I realized I can’t get a jello mold from my house to hers without it melting, so wasn’t going to make one. It’s about an hour’s ride, and it’s supposed to be round 80 all week. Still planning to go over Tuesday night I think. I’ll make the stuffing here on Tuesday, then head over there. We decided to do the pies there on Wednesday night so they’ll be fresh on Thursday. It’s so much fun to plan Thanksgiving with my sister.

So it’s another beautiful day here, even though it was cool. The sun was brilliant, the sky was just clear and so blue. Happy to be here, to be part of this community. Life is good.

Love and light, everyone.

I’m sitting under the banyan tree, sipping red wine, reading Anne LaMott’s Imperfect Birds. God, she’s such a gifted writer. My phone is playing my music, on “shuffle all” to keep things random. Started with “Like a Hurricane” by Neil Young, then “Just Like A Woman” by Bob Dylan. On to “For Free” by Joni Mitchell. Then back to Dylan, “Shelter from the Storm.” And right now, “Wasted On the Way” by CSN.

Kind of feel like the phone is telling me a story, like, guiding me. I’ve struggled to stay above water this morning. Maybe now, right now, my feet are touching bottom, and I’ll be able to find my way out of the water, back to the beach, provided another wave doesn’t knock me down. But if it does, I’ll start over again. Because what choice is there? There is no going back to reclaim the past, there is only forward movement, to shape our lives from this moment on.

I was told once, that I break just like a little girl. Well, shit yeah, I do. But I recover, I come back, just like a woman. I’ve had to learn how to do that, and I’m doing it here, writing, listening, sitting on the deck under the banyan and palm tree. Leaves fall from the tree, which has limbs far too close to the deck. They land on me, and I am reminded of the impermanence of everything. Everyone, every emotion, every story.

My way, when I feel enveloped with darkness, is to sit with it. Never to deny it. Never to fight it. But to sit with it. When longing hurts, I let it hurt. When fear knocks, and begins telling me it’s stories, I let it talk. And talk, until it has no more to say, and then I say, “ok…I know how you feel. Let me see how it turns out. If you’re right, we’ll have a good cry, and some more wine, and maybe a joint. And then we’ll find a way back.”

Just now, the phone played “Across the Bridge” by Van Morrison. Now it plays “Woodstock” by Joni Mitchell. These songs bring me back to the truth.

We have such problems if we don’t honor our feelings. Often sitting with it means writing it out. It’s kind of how I expel it from my psyche. My sister paints it out. My friend sings it out. I write it out.

Last night I was missing my son. I hadn’t talked to him in 2 days, which is a record. I’d texted him and he didn’t answer. Very unusual. So as I went to bed, I texted him again, because in true motherly fashion I had begun to worry. But he texted me back, and we texted a few times, and he’s fine. Work was so busy he just couldn’t call and forgot to text but he made good money yesterday and that’s cool. Thank God I have such a good close relationship with him.

It should be easy, with people you love. Should be easy to communicate, easy to get through the hard patches. Easy to brush off the leaves that fall on you when you’re sitting under the banyan tree, because life is, after all, a beautiful thing.

Van Morrison now, “See Me Through”. Yes…..Someone will.  Right now, Van Morrison, “Someone Like You.”   I’ve been doing some soul searching.  For sure.

So, eventually I guess, sitting with it leads to surrender and what will be will be. It’s not in my control anyway. So I might as well go on with my life and be happy.

Love and light, all.