Every  morning I get “Notes from the Universe.”  You can sign up for them at http://www.tut.com.  It’s always the first piece of mail I open.  This was in this morning’s mail.

It’s a law, Debbie, that every challenge, fear, or loss you encounter, bears gifts far more valuable than the price of the trouble they cause.

I think it’s law 123.ILY,
    The Universe

I sure hope so.  A week later after the latest round, I’m still feel the shift that’s been made.  I feel free of the old ties, but I’m still waiting for the gifts, lol.  Although, I guess to feel free is probably one of the greatest gifts of all, when the thing that you are freed from caused so much pain, and chaos in your head, and questioning of yourself. I still hope school is out on this one, and that there are maybe some fun lessons ahead.  Enough of this crap, lol. 

It rained here last night, and I apparently missed it completely. I woke up a couple of times, and thought, Hmm, I thought it was supposed to thunderstorm tonight. Maybe it did, and I slept through it. I was pretty tired when my cousin left at 10:30, after working 10 hours. I love her, she’s family, but she doesn’t work, and is home alone a lot because her husband travels all week and their relationship is not good anyway. She knows I work a very long day on Monday but still would ask to come over at 9:30. And I don’t refuse, she’s always on edge and needing the company of others. But I was exhausted. Went to bed at 11, and woke up twice during the night, and woke up for good about 5:15.

It will be a long day today. The guy I’m meeting Thursday said Tuesday or Thursday but I knew I’d be too tired tonight to uphold a conversation with someone new. Now I hear it might rain Thursday. Oh well, so much for sitting outside at the restaurant. It will still be nice to be out, and in the company of a man. An old hippie, lol.

Love and light, everyone.

I have a date! Thursday evening, after work. Nice. 🙂 He said, “it will be nice. Two aging hippies sitting down talking.” I like that thought for a meet and greet.  Nice to know he is one too.  Seems to be laid back, nice man. He’s a nice looking man, my age.

Another man has been messaging me pretty consistently since last night. Messaged all through my lunch hour today. We spoke tonight for awhile. He was a very nice man, but very non-committal. He has his grandchildren with him for the weekend. Not sure there was any connection there, but it was a pleasant enough conversation. He said in our chat last night, that he was looking for sensual excitement, lol. I said, well…I love that too, but I find I can’t engage without a connection. Connection, not commitment. But I didn’t really feel that based on the call tonight. A nice man, but for a guy who is looking for sensual excitement…would have kind of expected a little flirting. Whatever. Maybe I am just used to S, who was blatant about it.

Anyway, it’s just nice, nice to interact with men. Nice to feel no game playing. It was almost like I let the old thing go, and the new things poured in to fill the vacuum. It’s a nice change.

I seem to be have left alone since Saturday, something for which I am very grateful. Regaining my equilibrium. I’m still picking up my jaw off the floor at the things S said, and things he assumed about me, and things he asked of me. Just wow. Gutsy. Or, unconscionable. A lot of both. But it is what it is, and I let it go. Not my problem any more.

My cousin just called and is coming over for a little while. It will be nice to see her. She has a summer home in Martha’s Vineyard so isn’t around much in the summer. Having some butter crunch ice cream, just a little, dessert after fish tacos. Hmmm.

Nice relaxing evening. Grateful for a lot of things tonight. All things that happen are meant to happen, and I’m good with that. There are no coincidences.

Love and light.

It’s a bit cloudy this morning, but kind of welcome.  We’ve had so many days of brilliant sunshine, today feels muted somewhat.  The sun is supposed to come out, anyway.  I think it’s just fog blowing in off the Atlantic.  We’re about 30 miles as the crow flies, so sometimes we get that, especially in the summer when the water is still cold and the air is warm.

Slept so well last night!  Maybe the 3 glasses of wine, lol.  IDk.  Maybe the conversation with the guy….He’s going to call this week sometime.  He’s retired, articulate, smart, successful.  He’s not looking for any ties that bind, but neither am I.  I’m moving.  Just someone to do fun things with, and see where it takes us.  He’s younger than me, lol.  Only 2 years.

It’s just a happy thought to think of life moving on after the chaos of last week.

My son will be home tomorrow night.  Looking forward to seeing him.  I know he’ll be a little sad that his gf is on her way back to Switzerland.  Or more precisely, Italy, she has some workshop there.  I think he’s going to see Europe before me.  She wants to pay for him to fly over there, since he paid for a lot of the festival for her.  I told him it would be difficult now to arrange timing is all.  Because of the move, he’ll be needing a new job out there, and getting settled, etc.  But not undoable.

Love seeing him happy, looking forward to life.

Love and light, all.

I’m on my third glass of wine.  Why? because it tasted good, lol.

The day has passed without incident, and I really treated myself today. No work except laundry.  I sat on my deck, alone, lol, and made jewelry, listened to music, read, wrote, napped. Ended the afternoon with the glass of wine (or three, lol) in the picture, while I gave myself a manicure.  Nurtured myself.  Was so proud of myself, to put on a two piece tankini bathing suit and if I do say so, look ok in it. Worked on new tan lines, lol.  It was exactly the kind of day I needed after the chaos of the week, and particularly yesterday.

To make it nicer, I’ve been chatting with a nice man from the next town.  A good looking man, who admits up front he wants no ties, but is very sensual.  I said, I don’t want to be part of a harem, but considering I’m moving a close friendship would be nice.  Kind of perfect timing for me.  It would be nice to find someone to hang out with this summer.  To “sit on the deck” with and look at the stars.  LOL.

Who knows?

It was so nice today, to not worry about anyone.  Not to consider him, or her, or even my son.  Who texted me again from the shuttle bus on the way back to the hotel.  It’s apparently about a 25 mile ride from the hotel to the festival, with a shortcut through the airforce base there.  His girlfriend always falls asleep on the bus.  He always texts me.  It takes him awhile to settle down.  I needed pampering, and I gave it to myself.

Life is good, really.  What a blessing it is.

Love and light, all.

Such a gorgeous day today, and I’m making the most of it. Perfect 80°, not a cloud to be seen.  Been outside since about 5:45 am. It’s now 3 PM.

I caught up on some messages this morning.  My friend from the Adirondacks wanted the link to my blog, and I got her message at work this week, and never replied.  She now has the link.  Another friend asked me if she could come by and have me put a clasp on some beads she’d strung.  I blew her off too, for the same reason, during the week.  But I texted her to come anytime, I’d be home all day.  She came over, dropped it off, and I finished it off for her.  She inspired me, and I strung a new necklace, but then couldn’t find a clasp so can’t finish my own necklace off.  Oh well….Still, it was nice to do something creative other than obsessively write.

Then again, here I am, lol.

I brought my cheap little stereo outside and have been playing the music off my phone through it. I took some time and put on my new bathing suit, to get new tan lines, lol, and lay in the zero-gravity chair for awhile, reading and resting. I realized that I can’t read my kindle in this mega-sunshine, so brought out A Return to Love to read some more. It was timely. I want to quote every other line, but this chapter on self discovery was so pertinent for me. Rather than quote it, I have posted a picture of the page below.

I had to stop reading after that, and absorb. it. I don’t even think it needs discussion, she is far more eloquent than I could ever be. If you read my blogs for the last few days….you’ll see why it struck such a chord with me. Just wow. The universe will put in your path exactly what you need if you pay attention. At least, it always works that way for me. But I’ve been looking for signs my whole life.

Anyway, back to my reading. Back to my sun bathing. Back to enjoying this incredible day.

Love and light, everyone.

S tried to play Go with me yesterday. It’s the game he loves, that I had never heard of, in which according to him,no one loses, everyone saves face. I’m not sure how that description came to him, because I can’t find any reference to that particular function of the game anywhere, but that is how he described it to me, and why he liked it so much.

Now, not really, not in real life did we actually sit down at his board and play. But we had a lengthy phone and text conversation in which he tried to save face.

You know how I feel about that. If you screw up, if you hurt someone, if you let your ego run away with you, then you recognize, feel remorse, and repair the damage. There is no saving face. At least, not until you’ve done all of those things. Then your face is saved. Life is not a board game.

At any rate, we found no common ground. I did not expect to. I know there is none. I know he will read this blog and say I am trashing him again. I’m not going to go into detail about what we talked about, it’s just boring and really, a repetition of every other time. He wants me to change how I work things out, here.

The difference is, I think, that this time I realize and accept that whatever our relationship was or is, loving or contentious, probably a lot of both, is over. I have no illusions, no desires. I actually said my piece to him, about my writing and many other things, and am done with it.

He is who he is, I am who I am. He hates this blog, but can’t stop reading it. The conversation ended with there being nothing more to say. I will write, he will hate it. Once in a while I’ll write about him if I need to, though I see that as becoming more and more infrequent.

I do want to say that I have probably been unfair and inconsiderate of B. For that I apologize. She is definitely a factor in our conversation yesterday, but I can only feel sorry for her, because she has so much history with him. Whatever he was, he hurt her, just like he hurt me, and whatever she said that led me to say unkind things about her, were only because he so screwed with her head. I will admit that some of what I said about her that was unkind was in response to things she said to me that I felt were unkind. I can own that. I did the wrong thing, I feel bad about it, and this is my attempt at repair. I hope we can leave it all in the past. I will not do it again. She has enough on her plate. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.

I don’t want to get detailed about it, here. I think that to see it in the blog again would only rub salt into a wound. She knows what I speak about and I’m sure doesn’t need it published, even anonymously, again.  I’m sorry for it, B.

That’s how it works, when you can own your story. You own what you did, right or wrong, positive or negative. You own it, then you do something about it. I won’t hustle for my worthiness. I will stand up and say I did that, it was wrong, I won’t do it again. This is an example for you S, of how it works. I am not casting blame on her, I am just owning my part, whether or not she did anything that caused a reaction from me. It doesn’t matter. I knew better, I know better. I know who I want to be, and my actions were inconsistent with that. So I will try to undo them.

In the words of Maya Angelou, When we know better we do better.  It has always been my quest to be able to do better next time.

I slept well last night. I feel like finally, there is no unfinished business between us. I can move to Florida unencumbered. I can open my heart to someone fully, there are no cords tying me to a sordid, unhappy past at the moment. It’s time for Avalon, the place of new beginnings.  There are energetic connections between us that may always be.  But I’ll learn how to deal with them, so that they don’t turn my world upside down again.

I’m thanking the universe for bringing the buyer to my house. Just waiting for it to manifest. And it will, I’m sure. All the things I dream of have manifested. Selling of this house and someone who can love me the way I can love will happen too.

Love and light, all.