Learning Relationships

Posted on by learning to live like water

Marianne-Williamson-Quote-Relationships-are-our-primary-teacher

My son just texted me, that he is just now (6:20 AM Las Vegas time) going back to his hotel. He said it was a perfect first night. It put such a smile on my face. I asked him to send a picture or two when he can. My son can brighten my day so easily. He’s such a blessing in my life. He sent me one of he and his girlfriend, it’s so adorable. They look so happy.

I’ve been out here on the deck for 2 hours now. There is an absolutely cloudless sky. Clear clean air. The world is so green in June. When I look up, that’s all I see, is green and blue. All I hear is the rustling of the leaves in the very tops of the trees.

I’ve been reading, as I’ve said before, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, for the 2nd time. This week I read the chapter on relationships. As she explains it, based on A Course in Miracles, no one is in our life coincidentally. No one. Not the person who you smile at in checkout line at the grocery store, and not the one you thought you loved, or think you do.

We are all here to teach each other. To evolve our souls. She says, “relationships are assignments.” That they are part of a vast plan for our enlightenment, and the universe brings together those people who have the maximal opportunity for mutual growth.

She describes 3 levels of teaching. The first is a casual encounter, such as in the checkout line. It is perhaps just an opportunity to brighten someone’s day, or even for a friendship to start.

The second is for more intense work. The people in the relationship will go through whatever experiences provide them with their next lessons. And when learning is no longer supported by physical proximity, the assignment will call for separation. However, all relationships are eternal, and never really end. Relationships are of the mind and not the body.

I think I have experienced, am experiencing this. I think I am so aware on a very deep level, that when some relationships seem to be over, they are not. I’ve figured out for sure that the real love never dies, but that sometimes it’s best to leave the relationship in the past. My problem is leaving it…., when it keeps popping into the forefront.

I guess my best avenue is to just surrender, and let the universe drive this bus. Which is what I tried to accomplish.

Just for the record, she says the third level are life-long relationships which are very rare. They are not the ones, often, we think they are. We may not recognize them, and may even feel hostile toward the person because they will be someone who will force us to grow. Just because they have a lot to teach us, doesn’t mean we will like them.

I wonder about my ex, in this context. Because I don’t really like him. Yet he has been a great teacher for me, and I’ve spent most of my life with him. Even now….we affect each others lives, I think. But I don’t like him, I’m happier when I don’t hear from him. I feel a bit self-righteous with him, like I’ve learned what he had to teach me. But I don’t think he’s learned anything that will evolve him from our relationship.

Not my problem I guess. He will have some karmic lessons to repeat. I hope to God, I do not. They were hard enough the first time. I’m grateful for them, but I sure hope that with him, school’s out.

As for S…..I just don’t know. He also has taught me lessons, for which I’m grateful. But there was so much pain associated with them, I hope school’s out there too. I’m not sure that he learned anything from me, really. I always hoped that he’d learn that he has value, and deserves love and belonging just because he exists. But I don’t feel like he does yet. Which I find sad.

It’s actually the same lesson I wish my ex would learn. There is still time for each of them to learn this, there is time until your last breath is taken. Knowing this, allows you to stand in your story, to acknowledge everything you’ve ever done, good or bad, because you realize that nothing in this lifetime is unforgivable. At least, not by the universe. When you can stand in your story, when you can own what you did because you were so fearful, it allows doors to open up that you were sure were closed to you.

And yeah, it’s all about fear. Love and fear.

For me, knowing that I am worthy of love and belonging, allows me to stay in the love always and love all ways with both of these men. But I still have my fears, my human fears, of inflicting more pain on myself. So I stay away as much as possible.

Well, enough of this proselytizing for today, lol. This has been on my mind for a few days, and I’ve not been able to write it out, which means I’ve not been able to work it out.

Now I’ve been out here for 3 hours. I guess I should see if I can’t accomplish some things around the house. I have no plans for the weekend. My good friend who loves to go out with me on the weekend is gone this weekend. I’m glad the new episode of Outlander is on tonight. LOL. I can use the rest anyway. I slept last night but only 5 hours. Maybe a nap is in store for me today. On the deck, in my zero gravity chair. Maybe I’ll put on my new bathing suit and get some new tan lines. LOL.

Love and light, all….

Finding a Little Peace, For Now

Posted on by learning to live like water

Finding Peace

The gong meditation tonight was exactly what I needed to end the week on a positive note. I said yesterday I was not setting any intentions tonight, but just would let it go where it would. That’s what I did.

Sometimes I set intentions to try to work through the things that are eating away at me. Tonight I didn’t want to think about them. I really truly just wanted to surrender them all to the universe to deal with as it saw fit, trusting that it would be for everyone’s highest good.

Too many things to even list have been on my mind lately. All of them out of my control. We are really in charge of so very little in our small little worlds. We can only control our reactions to things. I can stand in my story. It’s one of the few things I have control over, and I’m grateful for that ability. I’m grateful that I know what I want, and what I believe in.

So, surrender…..is where I wanted to go, and where I went. I remember the beginning of the meditation, the crystal bowls. I remember the gongs coming in low and quiet, increasing in depth as the crystal bowls faded. I remember a crescendo to a tsunami, and thinking, oh I wish it had been a little more intense. I remember another one, much more intense. A thunderstorm, simulated, wth a rain stick. Whale songs. I remember my hand being on the floor and it getting cold, and aching. I put it between the two small pillows under my head. I remember a cramp in my leg, and feeling like the soles of my feet were burning. I remember a bowl in an old fashioned rose floral pattern that both my mother and my mother-in-law had. But the bowl was chipped along the edges in a few places. I don’t remember what was in it, but I know there was something.

At the very end, Linda always plays a “Wing”. It’s like a xylophone, only with less keys, and it is in the key of D minor. I think. Anyway, I heard it playing and I thought, “Wow…already?” Usually they play drums for a bit right before it. It seemed like 15 minutes, 20 tops. It had been an hour and 20 minutes.

When it was over I was laying still on the floor, considering coming back but not wanting to. Then I heard Peter calling to someone, saying “Come back!” And people laughing. I hoped it was not me, again, lol. It was not, but it brought me back. I opened my eyes and everyone was sitting up, talking. A man next to me said to Peter, “you had a drum tsunami tonight”. Indicating a very intense drum playing session. Everyone was agreeing, and so were Peter and Linda.

I didn’t remember even hearing it. I was wondering if they’d even played the drums when the man said it. Pretty deep into the ethers. I felt disoriented, knowing I remembered nothing of it. Disoriented, but ok. I just had been somewhere else.

I was at peace. At least as much peace as I’ve had in awhile. People pulling at me, moving, expenses of two houses, my son moving. My son in Las Vegas.

Having a ball. I got a text today, a single text. It said, “I am not dead.” LMAO. Well…I asked him to let me know he was alive, lol. The festival started today, his girlfriend (I use that term loosely) flew in last night from Switzerland. He’s having the time of his life. He’s at his Woodstock.

I guess I accomplished what I wanted to tonight. To just find some inner peace. It’s a wonderful way to end the week. I walked out at about 9 pm and the almost full moon was shining in a sky with scattered puffy clouds, gilding the edges of them. The last rays of sunlight were turning the western sky pink and gold. It was about 7°5 or 80° and balmy. A perfect summer night. Good night to sit out on the deck talking, but I’m home alone. Though I may go sit in the moonlight for a few minutes before I go to bed. The actual full moon is Monday, along with the summer solstice, my favorite day, because it’s the longest day of the year. Peter is holding a sweat lodge Monday night in it’s honor. I wish I could go, but I have to work late. He probably won’t have another one til fall, it’s too hot in the summer.

Nice night. Feeling my tiny infinitesimal place in the universe is exactly where it should be.

Love and light, all.

Caveman

Posted on by learning to live like water

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Arms locked around me,
My ear pressed against your chest,
I was listening to your heartbeat.
I was listening to your breath.

I wanted to know you were alive.
It was so hard to tell.
You kept it to yourself
And wanted me to guess.

I guessed.
I was right.

You were alive,
Barely.
Your heartbeat muted
Your breath shallow and labored.

Hidden by all the stories you told yourself.
All the anger at people
Long gone from your life.
All the fear you had
Of karma
Making you pay
For all the errors
of your closed mind.

Numb. Numb those feelings,
You said.
Don’t feel.
When you feel something,
Run back to the cave.
To the darkness.

Who are you hiding from?
Yourself?
There is no one else.
Just yourself.

Don’t venture out of the cave
Angry at me.
Pointing in my direction.
I only loved you once.
Turn your fingers around,
Point them at yourself.

Trying to die
While you still have life
Is a sin.
I’ll give you a clue.

It’s not the best you could do.