I decided to call my ex back on the way to work this morning. But it was futile, he didn’t answer. I was surprised that it went to voice mail though. He hasn’t had voice mail ever. At least, I don’t think so. He wouldn’t even set it up on his cell phone when he had a cell phone. He likes it better when no one can get in touch with him.

Maybe that’s changed. Maybe now that he’s been alone for 8 years, he’d like it if someone wanted to get in touch with him. I don’t know. But I left him a voice mail, and said I was on my way to work, I was calling him back, and he could try at work, though it might be difficult for me to talk there.

He didn’t try to call back. Last night it was so urgent that he needed me to call back right away. Today, he didn’t even try. Not that I care, I’m happier not talking to him, ever. But I try to keep the connection open, because he’s alone, because we have a son, even though he is one strange kind of father. I hate to cut off communication with anyone, which is probably my nemisis. I have cut it off but never with him. He cut it off with me for a long time, when my son lived with him. I guess that’s why I keep it open with most anyone. Because I know what it felt like to want to talk to my son, and have his father disallow any communication.

If someone is vile, and vulgar, and just out to hurt me, and upset me, and prove to themselves that I still care for them by seeing if they can hurt me still, then I’ll cut them off. Maybe not permanently, but until I feel safe, for sure. That may never happen, this time.

Anyway, my ex didn’t call back tonight either. A blessing really. He doesn’t get ugly, he gets non-sensical. Hard to follow. I usually end up holding my hands in my head, wondering how he arrived at the conclusions he arrives at.  Anyway, I know what he wanted.

I talked to my sister-in-law for a good long while tonight. First time in 5 years or so. We had a nice conversation. Her brother, my ex’s call was about the wedding she was sure. She said he’s obsessing over the wedding, calling her every day. I said, well, he’s not working. He’s got nothing else to think about. But I did express to her the hope that maybe my son and his dad would have an opportunity to talk if they both go to the wedding.

I texted my son today and asked him how was Las Vegas. He texted back, AMAZING HOLY XOW. I laughed my ass off. I thought XOW sounded much more amazing than COW. He just called me, and got me up-to-date. He’s having the time of his life. Really happy for him. Love hearing him having so much fun. So happy.

Lots of good stuff in the works. Looking forward to the gongs tomorrow, but that’s nothing new. Not setting any intentions, I don’t think. Just gonna go where I go.

And right now, I’m about to go to bed, lol. Love and light all.

Raindrops on my head

A few on my lap top too.

Time to go inside.

I was sitting out on my deck on this cloudy morning. I checked the weather first, but it just showed cloudy, not rain. So I thought I’d chance it. It’s so much nicer to sit in the fresh air, and tend to my morning coffee, my meditation with nature around me, and to write.

But as soon as I finished my email, a few sprinkles touched down, and I had to run inside. I kept the door and windows open though, for the fresh air. And will keep the tv off.

Finally, I got a good night’s sleep last night. I have such a hard time recovering from even the slightest contact with Scott, and Monday night’s was so bad. I just can’t reconcile the man who could be so vile with the one I knew.

But I believe him, now. Whatever. I have my ideas on what motivates him, but they don’t matter. That he’s motivated at all, by anything, to behave in the abominable fashion he did is statement enough for me.

As a friend said to me, “don’t forget, that he is heavily damaged. The man and his soul are poles apart.” And I never do forget that, and I always can forgive him. But I do need to stay poles away from him. LOL.

This morning, I am going to, I guess, deal with my ex and this wedding issue. I am not sure I want to tell him we’re moving. I just don’t want to deal with his input on it. He still believes that any money I have should be his, and that he’s in such dire straits because I left him and took his money. The fact that he got 25% more than me in the divorce, and all the property except our boat slip, doesn’t matter, lol. But in the interest of the coming wedding and the bride, who I love, and the rest of the family, I’ll call him and see what’s on his mind.

UGH. Another man I’d prefer to stay poles away from.

My son has gone on his Sin City (Las Vegas) vacation.  He texted me late last night, around 1:30 am, that he was there.  He was so excited. I know he’s going to have such a great adventure.  I told him before he left to at least text me every day and let me know he’s alive.  So the text I got last night was this:  “I’m not dead!.  I made it!”  LOL.

I think I’ll contact the two men on the dating site that wanted to see me when I got back from VA. Maybe it would give me something to do this weekend. Most of my friends will be celebrating Father’s Day Sunday. I think I will do some packing, some sorting. Maybe some cooking or baking. I have gongs again tomorrow. As usual, couldn’t be better timing after the chaos of this week.

Have a good day everyone. Love and light.

As if there weren’t enough stuff to deal with.  I got the actual invitation to my niece’s wedding today.  I haven’t even opened it. I haven’t called my sister-in-law back yet.  I have been getting home from work so late, and am so tired, just didn’t have it in me to deal with.

Then of course, as soon as I sat down, my ex called me.  I let it go to VM.  I just can’t deal with him too right now.  I’m sure it was about the wedding.  Of course, he didn’t leave a real message, just has some “things he wants to talk to me about.”  Would I call him back tonight.  He tried my land line too.  Geezus.

I hope he doesn’t have some creepy idea that we could all go to the wedding in one car, or God forbid, stay together.  I haven’t even told him I’m moving yet, or that my son is. He is so far from reality, he might just suggest something along those lines. Not necessarily to be with me, but to be with my son. And to save money, he’s the worlds biggest penny pincher. He actually would try to squeeze blood out of a nickel.

I can’t imagine what he’s thinking, and I don’t want to. God, I just wanted to go to the wedding and see him there. Not make a plan with him. The worlds most expert manipulator. I wouldn’t ride in the car with him to Maine for all the gold in the world. I spent enough of that horrible time, locked up with him while he went off on me or more likely my son, when son played hockey. Driving all over New England and New York and New Jersey to watch a game for an hour or two, and drive home. Listening to him rant. 5 hours in a car with him to Maine? Not a fucking chance.

I’m pretty sure if I suggested it to my son, he’d laugh and then tell me he’d rather not go. It will be enough for him to be in the vicinity of his father, and probably have to talk to him. But leave it to his father to try to force it.

Asshole.

I hope someday I can feel about Scott the way I feel about my ex. Geezus, it would be so easy. I cannot stand my ex. But I guess 30 years of abuse does that to you, lol. With Scott, I was only abused for the last year, the first one was wonderful. Just a year of abuse, lol. And different types of abuse. Although the other night, Scott was vying for my ex’s bullying tactics pretty well. I’d give him a close second. But my ex is still the soul stealing champ. So there’s something for you to aspire to Scott, since I know you’re reading this. But practice it on someone else. Please.

Nightmare.

Well, love and light everyone. I hope I don’t have nightmares of my ex and I in a car together. UGH.

Had a pretty calm day today. I have to admit that I checked my voice mails until about noon, to see if he was going to leave me more of them.

But no, he didn’t. No voice mails, no emails, no comments, nothing. Not a sound. Or a letter.

Thankfully. God, so thankfully.

Work was a bear today. I did manage to sleep last night, but not a lot. I ended up working late, and came home exhausted. Had a glass of Chardonnay while my frozen DiGiorno Thin Crust pizza cooked. My last nerve was frayed last night. By tonight it was numb. Just numb. Shut down.

How could I have loved him so much? Some of you know now….those who read his comments before I had to delete them. As crazy mean and creepy as he was last night, there were nights, and days, when his extremeism went the other way. I never saw this side of him, until Betty…..

It feels like he suddenly blamed me for being in his life, when she wasn’t in it, so that he had to explain it to her. Idk. It’s crazy.

I stayed in it, even when she was back, even though I was unaware of her presence, because he wouldn’t let me go.

And then when she knew, he turned on me. Turned on me, thinking that it would appease her jealousy if he could convince her by his abhorrent treatment of me suddenly, that he didn’t care.

I think it convinced her that nothing he said was for sure, that he could turn on anyone on a dime. I don’t know. I don’t talk to her. Just surmising. Just, that’s where I would be. Lie after lie, proven. Bad mouthing a relationship HE remained in for 18 months. That HE wouldn’t let go of, even when I begged him to.

Then when she finds out, he attacks me, in front of her. Thinking he’s proving that he loves her. All he proved is that he can’t stand in his own story, that he can use people, for a long time, so they don’t even know it. That he was out for himself. All that time.

And let’s not forget the brief interlude right after she found out about me, when he ran to me. Again. To be reassured that he was loved by someone. Even I would do. And I did my job. I picked him up off the floor. I dusted him off. I loved him as much as ever. More maybe, because all I wanted then was to see him be happy.

While he used me. Again. And denied me again. And again.

That hurts. I loved him so fucking much.

I’d never want a man who could do that to anyone.

I want to say, in case she reads this, and I have no idea if she does, that I don’t blame her. I blame him. He gets to own that behavior. She only gets to own that she condoned it, that she was complicit. She knew what he was doing, she was copied on every ugly email, and took it upon herself to speak for him. But….she was also wrecked by him. She was also blindsided, and I think that then, at that time, she was still picking herself up off the floor, especially considering he was bedding me down within a week of her leaving him when she found out about me, and her head was spinning.  Spinning hard enough that her vision was blurred.  I get it.  I’ve been there.

He fucked us both over.

Maybe she’s with him now, maybe she’s not. But she has to think about that, if she thinks about him. What kind of man does what he did to me? Or to her?

I could answer, but I won’t. Most everyone knows the answer.

I’ve learned that I can love someone, but never have them in my life. It was a hard lesson to learn. I learned how not to trust someone. That was an even harder lesson.

I told him, a couple weeks ago, that he was my best teacher. I didn’t tell him why.  Because he taught me lessons I never wanted to learn. I suppose it’s useful knowledge. I’d rather be oblivious to it though.

I guess I started it last night. Sending him that loving poem. And then because he just ignored me, again, commenting on his blog. Yeah I was trying to get a response. I was sick of him commenting, posting blogs, communicating with me, and when he didn’t get the response he wanted, ignoring me. But I didn’t expect the response I got. I actually thought it was just a funny story, that because I harassed him on his blog like he did me on mine, he set his blog for private. When he had but one viewer, me. Because he never posted, except to say something to me. I honestly thought it was a funny story. I also didn’t consider that he’d even read it, since he was ignoring me so solidly. Why would he read the blog, if he was ignoring me?  He knows what I think of him, how I feel about him.  He doesn’t need the blog to tell him. Nothing changed.  It still makes no sense to me.

So this post will probably anger him too. It’s not my intention. It’s me, trying to understand what happened last night.

Sorry to talk about it again. I’m calmer now. I’m just trying to work it through. And this is how I do it. Words.

Today, I needed something from someone at work. My boss said to me, in a funny way, “You’ve got a voice! Use it and ask for it.” I looked at him and laughed. I said, “Um…you do know who you’re talking to?” He laughed so hard, I said, “I don’t think anyone has ever accused me of being reticent before.” Because I tend to be known as someone who pretty much calls it as it is. At work, in life. No camouflage in me.

So here I am tonight, trying to get down to the basic truth. To remove the layers of bullshit camouflage that cover it up.  I loved this man, but right now, I wish I didn’t. And hope some day I won’t.

Love and light, all.

I managed to sleep a few hours last night, enough to get through the day today. My head is still reeling from last nights ridiculousness.

I woke up this morning to about 15 voice mails from him, asking me to call. From being angry to trying to be nice, to trying to tell me he missed me too at times, back to being angry and sarcastic. I think he was getting drunker by the minute. Whatever. I deleted them, after listening to a sampling. Just wanted to determine if he was threatening me or not. I didn’t think he was, except maybe in the last one where he said I haven’t seen anything when it comes to his cold blue eyes yet. That was at almost midnight, I’m guessing he was pretty drunk when he left that one.

Whatever.

There will be no response from me. (So you can stop trying Scott.) He convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was a mistake to have tried to contact him.

I gotta wonder why he didn’t just respond as a normal human being and just nicely ask me to leave him alone, as I did when he was leaving me all those cryptic messages, calling me in the middle of the night (luckily my phone was on silent). AT that time I just sent him an email asking him to stop, saying I don’t know what’s going on with you,but please stop, because it’s making me sicker than I already was, reminding me of all the betrayals I had had to live through with him.

I can only say that he loved the attention from me. He gets a rush out of someone still adoring him after he’s treated her like shit. He doesn’t understand love and forgiveness on any level.

Whatever. I won’t make the mistake again. I will be so glad to get moved to Florida. I tried so hard to end things with him on a positive note, and he just couldn’t. I know “saving face” is a big deal with him, and when the truth is on the page, that’s a difficult concept. Personally, “saving face” is bullshit to me. When you do wrong, like ignore someone’s kind and loving message to you, especially someone who you devastated on a grand scale, you only save face by correcting your actions, apologizing for your mistakes, and truly making an effort to change and not repeat the bad behavior. That’s character. It’s not my issue. I have to expunge him from my life, and let someone else deal with his need to “save face.”

This morning, I’m getting back to myself. I wanted to call my sister-in-law last night about the wedding, but couldn’t get my head into the right place, with all the drama. Hopefully, today will not have any drama, and I can call her tonight. I keep thinking that perhaps the reason my house isn’t selling is that the universe is giving my son, my ex and I this chance to reconcile. Not my ex and I, that would never happen, but it might be a good chance for my son and he to reconcile their relationship, before we all move. I’d like nothing better. So, maybe that’s why the house hasn’t sold yet. The universe always has a better idea, lol.

I wish Scott well, anyway, despite his brutal ugliness last night. As usual. As my friend Addie once said, “Who could possibly need prayers more?” Addie was a good man. I miss his undying love, even though I know if I messaged him, it would still be there.

Here’s hoping for a good day today. It’s beautiful outside, it’s cool. I will pick up the pieces of myself that got scattered last night and try to put them back together in a way that is consistent with the way I endeavor to live.

Love and light, everyone.

I want to apologize for dragging you guys into my sordid ex love life. I really mean it. I had no idea he’d comment. I figured if he can’t respond to a kind loving message he’s not reading them anymore. I still don’t understand why he couldn’t just message me and say, “Deb, Betty and I are trying to work it out and I need you to leave me alone.” If that’s what’s going on, but I’m guessing it is, based on the level of his anger. Exposed….Whatever.

I thought, hell, if he’s going to talk to me like that, after all I did was text him a loving poem I’d written (which is posted below). I have no idea if he is with Betty or not, and don’t really care, sometimes I just miss him, or did. I think tonight’s display of ugliness, stupidity, anger, are enough to make me run and keep running. This is the poem I sent him.

I wanted to see you.

The ache runs deep today.

I can’t seem to let go, today.

Even though……

I almost asked you to meet me there.

Then a I got a second opinion,

From the universe.

Still, it’s all I can do to stop myself from dialing your number.

Yet I know…

Where it will lead.

And how it will hurt when you’re gone.

That keeps me from asking.

Still, I love you.

Even though.

Wishing things were different.

Knowing they will not be.

Fly, Scott.  Lift your wings

And become the man I always saw.

The man I loved.

And still do.

If you do…I hope you’ll fly to me and let me know.

This is what instigated it. I stupidly missed him, and figured he was not with her, or would not have tried to reach me a few weeks ago. I still don’t know if he is. If he is, then he only needed to tell me that. For God’s sake. I’ve disappeared because of her a few times now. I won’t compete, don’t want to compete. He just could have been decent and acknowledged me.

But, it’s not his way. His way is to spew as much hate and darkness and fear as he can. I gotta feel for him, that that’s all he knows. That that’s the best he can do.

Anyway, I’m so sorry you were all subjected to the kind of low life crap he spews out when he’s angry. He’s blocked now, from commenting, from my phone, from my email. He left me a voice mail, asking me to call him, before he started all the vile comments. I. Will. Not. Call. Him.

I will not allow his energy to infest this blog again. I will not go backwards again.

Again, I’m sorry.

Love and light……

Edit:  I had to go and disapprove all his comments solid new ones wouldn’t show up. So they are all in spam now. And I feel like my blog is cleansed. Rough night. But it’s over.