I have been messaging Scott on his blog.  Before you gasp, please know you will laugh by the end of this story. 

As I said in a previous blog, I had a momentary lapse yesterday an texted him. And true to his character, he ignored it. Now I’d understand his ignoring it if he hadn’t over three or 4 weeks attempted to reach me with texts, blog messages, comments and following me on my blog. Which he just did again a week ago. He makes a point, regularly, of making sure his presence in the world is known to me. (As if I need to be reminded, I still feel the energetic connection quite strongly.)

Let me also say I responded to his basal communication with open honest and heartfelt responses. Which he then ignored, because God forbid, he should face the truth about his sleazy behavior. 

For instance when I responded to his first communication saying “I’ve missed you” he responded “you sure have a funny way of showing it. “. Which would leave me to believe he would have liked me to show that I missed him without addressing his shoddy treatment of me with regard to the things he told and shared with The jealous one, to make her more jealous.  

Well no. That wasn’t going to happen. But still, he tried calling late at night, messaged through the blog st 2:15 am…whatever. 

When he ignored my nice fairly loving, in an unconditional way,  text yesterday I decided turnabout is fair play, and started making comments on his blog.  Telling him that he was behaving badly, that it doesn’t seem it should be a big deal to say hi, or say he’s trying to work things out with the jealous one so would I just leave him alone, or whatever the hell his reasoning is. 

Of course, he just deleted the comments. 

I started laughing at his inability to communicate at an adult level. Sent him a couple more.  This is the second to last one. 

So this one was deleted in about 5 minutes. I left him one more. Said “damn, you’re quick. But then maybe it’s just me. I always could get you to respond quickly”.  Alluding to other matters, lol. That the jealous one couldn’t do for him. 

When I checked a few minutes later, he had made his blog private. LMAO. I’m pretty sure I was the only one who knew about it anyway. Although. Who knows, maybe he got her involved and maybe she’s trying to forgive him and let him back in.  Whatever. Just think it’s funny that a guy who created and used the blog only as a way to get to me, now made it private. The guy who didn’t really care about me used it as a way to reach me, while not caring about me according to the jealous one. Lol.  

As a result of his childish boorish behavior, I am now reminded who he really is.  The jealous one is so welcome to him. Ick.  I didn’t think she was that stupid but I could be wrong.  After all she spent 15 years of her life with a guy who could do what he did. And more, that I’ve been decent enough not to expose here. And he is now deleted and blocked, maybe forever more. Lol. 

Guaranteed he’s still reading this blog in secret though. Lol. Well, here’s your narcissistic supply for today Scott. This ones on me. 

Love and light everyone (even you Scott and the jealous one…)

So just to make yesterday weirder, I got an email from my sister-in-law who I have not spoken to in maybe 5 years?  She was giving me a heads up on her middle daughters wedding in August, letting me know the date and that an invite would be coming soon. 

I’ve known about the wedding for a long while. She and I and her girls are FB friends though she is never on there.  I feel like I should maybe call her. I honestly didn’t think I’d be invited, because she has had so much fear of making my ex angry. Maybe she’s gotten over it. Who knows. 

I do love her girls. Her youngest is my godchild. I’d like to go but who knows if I or my son will be here.  I know her cousin, my friend , will be there. My ex might also be. That’s not a problem for me but might be for my son if he chooses to go.  It might be an opportunity for reconciliation between them. 

Very mixed emotions. I suppose I need to decide pretty quickly if I’m going. Haven’t told my son yet but will today some time. 

At least it’s something to think about that has possibilities of ending well. When one door shuts another opens. Some doors just need to remain closed, for our own sanity.  It’s just there’s an energetic cord keeping it cracked, and I think it’s made of titanium. Lol. 

Live and light, everyone. 

I’m irritated this morning. I’m at a loss as to the pain that humans (if you can call them that) are capable of visiting on each other.

I had a weird day yesterday. I was missing that man, the one I used to know. Stupid, I know. It’s like part of my brain just goes on hold, and refuses to acknowledge his ability to be cruel. I’m back today, without the illusions that maybe he could be once again, the man I knew. I am a little irritated with myself for stepping backwards, but I guess we all do. I reclaimed the ground I lost this morning, and maybe won’t need to go there again.

In the meantime, he once again, treated me with the disdain that he always has, narcissist that he is. Then my realtor pissed me off. Then I heard about Orlando. And I just gotta wonder about people. I guess we are all wondering about people, today, after that carnage.

The small acts of indifference, and turning heads, and small cruelties like ignoring people, all contribute to the pervasive fear that causes things like Orlando. It’s all lesser or greater manifestation of fear. Fear of someone seeing who you really are. Fear of people sharing affection. Fear of love, yes….so many people are so screwed up that they fear love, and trust fear. WTF.

I’m just so sick of it.

We have to try, make a conscious effort, to extend love. It’s not easy, but isn’t it easier than projecting fear? Isn’t it easier than hurting someone? I extended love to this man, yesterday, he projects fear in his inability to respond, or unwillingness. As if I was the one who caused his demise. As if his own ego did not create and orchestrate all the pain that he has caused, and for which I choose to forgive, because I can’t hold on to the hate and anger and pain. But because he’s a believer in fear, and not love, he chooses to continue his cruel behavior. And not to trust the love that is extended to him.

In my humanness, yesterday, I longed to see the false man he once represented himself to be. Don’t worry, today I know that it is just an illusion, only because he chooses it to be that way.

I suppose it’s the best he can do. And for that I feel sorry for him.

When the ego’s fear builds to such a huge crescendo that it causes an Orlando, a Sandy Hook, it’s past time to feel sorry for these people who prefer fear over love. It’s all the same path. To hurt one, is to hurt all. To add pain to the world is to add pain. It’s time to legislate love, not allow people to arm themselves to act out their fears. Love everyone and protect them by not allowing those whose fear is so great they would create the horror that is Orlando.

Everyone has the choice. The man I loved…his ego feels important if someone loves him without reason. He gets his narcissitic supply, he thinks he’s pulled one over on the one who cares for him. He thinks it’s cool to hide, to secret away his emotions. It validates his power, he thinks.

Such erroneous thinking. That “power” has him old, sick and probably all alone. I think maybe he thinks that he deserves that. His ego…trying to kill him, to maintain it’s power.

The best he could do. Geezus. Thank God I don’t have to live knowing the best I could do was to hurt people who loved me without limit. But it’s the best he can do. Worthy of my pity. Also worthy of my backing away, turning a hard right, or left, finding a path around him.

It’s all the same thing.

I think Marianne Williamson explains it in the image above. So simple, yet so impossible for some.  And anyone can change at any moment they choose to walk the other path.

Ok, all this aside, it pisses me off that I have to go to work again today. I should be packing up my house, and moving on.

It’s coming. It’s coming.

Love and light all.

I think I have an asshole realtor.  Open house today had one person come.  She had told me attendance would be low.  But this it the text I just got.

Here is the feedback from Britany, call me if you would like to discuss: (Brtany is her employee, who ran the open house)

Only had one person. They zipped through and said it was not for them. You should know, the house was picked up, but not clean. The counter tops were dirty and cluttered, the appliances were dirty and needed cleaned and polished, the floors needed swept and mopped, just overall not a good or appealing presentation of the home. It also smelt very unpleasant like the trash needed to go out.

Here is my response:

Dana I spent the morning cleaning the floors and cleaning the counters. Whoever told you that was wrong. I emptied all the trash yesterday and the windows were open all day. That’s insulting. No I didn’t polish the appliances. The house was spotless, come over and look. And smell.  It was cleaner than the other times when people have given us good feedback. Something needs to be done to get this house in front of the buyers, besides dropping the price again.  

I am so angry with this person, who was probably mad they had to do this on a Sunday afternoon.  And angry at my realtor for repeating this to me.  She lives across the street, she knows my house and how I keep it.  Geezus, my house is always clean, and I made it spotless.  I’ve been working at it for 2 damn days.  I just told her her employee needs to find what’s right with the house and sell it to the buyers.  There are fingerprints on the refrigerator, that’s it….

Geezus. I think I have to deal with her for another month.  Then I can switch realtors.  I better go look it up.  So pissed off right now.

So the buyer didn’t walk through the door.

Shit.  Better days are coming.

Love and light.

Sunday morning, and I again slept 7 hours last night! So so awesome to sleep without a sleep aid. Although, the wine might have helped. And the fact I was up quite late (for me)?

I went to my friends house for dinner, a cookout. It was so much fun. Her two daughters were there, and I’ve known them for almost 20 years. We all used to go boating together, to Rhode Island and Montauk NY, back when we were all married. Her younger one is my son’s age, and they were best friends their whole lives, until recently. She was away at college. But we laughed and talked, they are great girls. My friend is an OR nurse, her oldest daughter is a nurse, her youngest one just graduated from 6 year PA program and starts her new job next month. Very medical family! You are safe with them! LOL.

Then she and I went out, intending to go to a bar in the next town for karaoke, but when we got there, the parking lot had only a couple cars in it….so we decided to go to a place closer to home that’s on the lake. We don’t go there often, because the service is notoriously bad. However, we had a drink within minutes of getting there. We asked each other if maybe they had new staff….because half the time the bartenders, usually women, ignore you. But not last night, new bartenders, at least we didn’t recognize them.

There was a band, playing all my music, lol. My friend is 50, so her music is a little different than mine. But lots of old 60’s and 70’s stuff. Some of it a little obscure. But they played Pink Floyd, Van Morrison, and a bunch of others I can’t remember, lol. Too much wine, maybe between her house and the bar…

I felt someone come up to me and put their hand on my back….I turned around as I was sitting at the bar, and it was my hairdresser. Then another client of hers, a guy, came up and joined the conversation. He and she went and danced, and then he came back and talked to my friend and I for the rest of the night. And mostly me, lol, I am his age. At the end of the night he invited us to a party at his house for Sunday of the July 4^th weekend, he lives right on the lake. So we may go, there will probably be a ton of people there we could meet, and he was nice, albeit pretty drunk. We found out the restaurant has something called the Tiki Bus, because they have an outdoor bar called the Tiki bar, thatched roofed bar. They will come and pick you up, and bring you home. Which is a good thing, not just for those who tend to overindulge, but because the parking situation there is always limited.

Anyway, I only had one glass of wine, because I have work to do today and didn’t want to feel crappy. (Although I had some at her house earlier.) I feel great this morning, and now have to figure out what I’m going to do while they hold the open house. I’m thinking I may drive down to the shore, to my favorite park. Haven’t been there in a long time. It’s where Scott and I went on our first date, and also where he attempted to break up with me but ended up asking me to come to his house at the end of the day instead, lol, about a year ago. I have a ton of memories there, so I don’t get triggered. I’ve been there since, and honestly, I’m not thinking I’ m in a place to get triggered anymore that much anyway. Which is cool.

It was fun to go out last night, to meet people, to have a few laughs. It’s nice to feel like I have a life. It looks like I’ll be here for the summer anyway. If someone makes an offer on the house, I won’t close til August sometime, so I might as well enjoy myself while I’m here. Once this open house is over, I’ll start trying to sell the furniture I can’t take with me, and sorting through clothes, and stuff, and begin to pack stuff up.

I’m setting an intention for a buyer to come through the door today. I hope the universe is listening.

Love and light, all….

Picture is Harkness Memorial Park, courtesy Google images.

I think I need to stop buying Snyder’s gluten free pretzels, lol. They are so much better than regular pretzels. But hard to stop. I started them with my stomach issues, but now just buy them because I like them.

Got the house fairly ready for tomorrow. Deck is done, lawn is done, bathrooms are clean, kitchen is spotless. Doing the floors tomorrow. Taking a rest now. Chatting with a man I met recently. He’s a pipeline architect. Seems at least interesting and articulate, so far sincere. Nice just to chat with a man. I miss male energy in my life.

I’m going to a friends house for a cookout tonight. Then we may go out to a local bar and listen to karaoke, just for fun. I don’t have the nerve to get up and sing in front of anyone, lol. I could stand to let off some steam. Or soak it down with some wine.

My son is going to a music festival in Las Vegas next week, for 9 or 10 days. He’s so excited. I’m a little nervous about him being in Sin City, lol. But he’s going with a bunch of his friends, including this girl he’s kind of sweet on. She is from CO, but going to school in Switzerland. She’s coming home for this though. He’s got a level head, he’ll be ok. He’s been planning it for almost a year. I think I’ll enjoy the peace, lol.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend. Love and light, all.