I did some reblogging tonight.  Just so many talented people putting out such incredible work.  Work that touches my soul.

Still searching…

I was at lunch at the cove on the Connecticut River today, and had read a chapter or so in A Return to Love, and closed the book, put on some meditation music, and almost fell asleep, seriously, in about a half a minute.  I woke and felt that S needed some reiki, and without even a 2nd thought, sent him some for a few minutes.  It was already late and I needed to get back to work.

I didn’t even question what I was doing, it was like some pure emotion from somewhere down deep, that he was struggling.  Let me make it clear that I had no way of knowing if I was right, whether or not he was, in fact, struggling.  Nor did I question it when I felt it.  It could just be an assumption on my part, whatever.  Because it was not a conscious thought I tend to believe my intuition, but for all I really know, he could be just fine.

And after I kind of came back from whatever state I was in, I thought, well of course he’s struggling.  He’s fucked up his life again.

It was kind of odd, I didn’t make a conscious decision to send it, but it was kind of like at my cousins last night.  She is obsessed with her son’s emotional state, which from all appearances to any outsider is fine.  But I lay in her chaise lounge for a few minutes after work, and sat up and said, “I think you need some reiki.  Do you want me to give it to you for a little while?”

She said yes, and so I gave her reiki for about 15 minutes.  Today she texted me and she was so much better….

If S doesn’t want it, he won’t get it….You have to be open to it to receive it.  It’s not me messing with his energy, it’s just loving energy passing through, opening him up where he might be closed.  If he wants it.  Free will and all.

I admit I only sent it to S for about 5 minutes, because I had to go back to work, but also because my ego jumped in and said, wtf are you doing being nice to him, lol.  Of course, I can silence that stuff…I will always try to be loving if possible.  It’s that connection between us that instigated it.  Whatever.  If 5 minutes of reiki can help him think clearly, I’ll send it.

In unrelated news, I came onto WP tonight, and went on the reader (thus the reblogs…). The second post I saw was something entitled Oops…This is a copy and paste of the post…

Oops!

This is a post on a private site that you’re following, but not currently a member of. Please request membership to display these posts in Reader.

There was no link to request access, so I have no idea who it is or how to request access. Has anyone ever experienced this before? I only know of one site that is private, but I don’t think I’m a follower of it anyway. Just wondered whose site this was, and if I should be asking for access. So if anyone knows anything, let me know. I’ve never seen anything like this before, but if it’s not subdude2, I’d like to request access….

It’s been a good day, beautiful, busy. I’m in a pretty good place tonight. Looking forward to my date tomorrow, I hope it goes well. Hope he shows, lol.  Have a lunch date Sunday too.  Nice.  🙂  And going to the beach Saturday with my bff’s.  Life is good….

Love and light all.

I had to reblog this….Check out her blog, she is amazing, just like this poem.

I made a comment on this blog, because I found it so profound. Then I realized I couldn’t click off of it until I reblogged it. Let him lift your gaze…..

My son got home about 10:20 last night, right on schedule. We talked til about 11, and then I had to get to bed. He was looking forward to the peace and quiet of his own space too. One of the kids he went with wanted to stay over, because he still had a drive home from here. Son said, “Nothing personal, but I need to be alone, and unwind. I have work tomorrow….”

I’m so glad he’s able to know what he needs, and speak it. He said, “I’ve been with 100,000 people for a week. I just want to be alone tonight.” Wanted to absorb all the experiences. We looked at all his chaotic videos of the festival. 7 stages, light shows at all of them, fireworks going off all the time. Wht a show, really. There were about 150,000 people a day.

He said, “No one died, no one OD’d on drugs. One person was lost, and one person was robbed in the parking lot, but that’s it.” He said, about no one dying, that it’s happened that people die from the heat in the summer, because they don’t hydrate. He said it was 110° the last day. When he got home last night, it was 106° there. He has a camelback pack for water. It holds like a gallon or something, it’s pretty big. He said they filled it about every 2 hours.

He said one night, on one of the stages, John Legend just showed up, unnanounced and performed. Wow. This is a festival of all electronic music, and the DJ’s are the stars, mixing the music live on stage. So to have a guy like Legend show up and play, very unusual, but very very cool.

He said it was the best week of his life. I’m very happy for him. He spent way too much money, but I think it was worth it for him, I think he needed that life experience. He actually got to meet some of his favorite DJ’s. One of them flew to Atlanta on the same plane and they talked all the way there, played video games together on the screens that are on the seatbacks.

So that’s the story. I am glad to have him home. It was a crazy week here, and I’m kinda glad he wasn’t around for it. Even though, I did give him a brief synopsis. He was glad I was strong.

Life’s back to normal today. Love and light, everyone.

Image from Google Images, aerial photo of the actual festival at Las Vegas Motor Speedway

My son is due home from Las Vegas shortly. I can’t wait to see him. He called this morning from the airport, and was afraid he was going to miss his flight. He said he’d been there an hour and a half and the line for baggage check was 100 people long.

I told him that one of them (he was with friends) should go up and tell them, that they were about to miss their flight. They did, and they got pushed through an express line and made their flight. Then he called from Atlanta this afternoon. His first flight was at 8:30 am, and he’s getting home about 10:30 tonight. That’s a long day. He said he’s so tired, and I’m sure.

I can’t wait to hear his stories, and see his pictures.

But I have to say, I LOVED my time alone. OMG, it was wonderful. I so pampered myself, regrouped. I love his energy around, but dang, he’s also high maintenance, lol. Bursting through doors, telling his story. Electric, lol. But exhausting. That’s one kid that’s full of life.

I think this long trip by himself may have changed him a little though. I think he may be in his first really adult love affair. Maybe. I hope he saw a broader perspective, I hope he lifted his gaze.

He was so happy as a kid, so energetic, always making everyone laugh. God how he loved to make you laugh. Someone tried to crush that in him. Someone made him narrow his vision. But it has resurfaced. He’s raised it back up, he’s returned to the large unlimited perspective of the world. When he came to live with me a 18 months after I left his father, I hoped that would happen. I wanted him to have his joy of living back, without fear. The rest of his life would take care of itself, if he could just believe in himself again. And I KNOW he does, now.

I’m very blessed to have him. I will miss him terribly when we both move. He gives me hope and connection. I love seeing him find his way in the world. I love that he still comes to me and wants my advice, and wants to share his day with me, and I know that won’t change even when there are 2000 miles between us.

So, I’ll wait up for him, give him a big welcome home hug, and hear about his adventure for a little bit before we both pass out.

Dang, I love that kid.

Love and light.

I guess that when I talked to Scott Saturday, I’d hoped he’d changed. But I should have known that the fact that he was so urgently calling me, meant he hadn’t, at all. He’d just been caught again, in the web he weaves for himself. And was tangled up, and looking for someone to cut him free, to give him safety, to validate that he wasn’t such a bad guy, just screwed up.

I was disappointed, to say the least, that his tactics remained to blame me for his problems. And then, to ask me to change what I do to rectify them, instead of looking at himself to change, to rectify them. To looking to me for comfort from the storm he created. And then, getting angry when I said, No…..You hurt me last time I tried to help you. You’re on your own this time.

Did he expect more? Apparently.

But that’s why I say, there has been no change. I know B wants to believe he’s changed. I hoped, but didn’t expect, he would. But he has continued to throw shit against the wall, hoping none of it sticks, or at least, that no one realizes who threw it. I will stay away, as I told him, for my own sanity.

And I mean that, for my own sanity. Monday night the man vilely comments on my blog, calling me filthy names, Friday night he wants to come sit on my deck and look at the stars. Not even the semblance of an apology for the things he said Monday. Crazy making. Nor even the smallest indication that he screwed himself over again. Just “save me, take me, give me worth.”

Give your own self worth.

I realize he’s searching, but his search is external. The answers are inside, not with me, not with B. Not in how others feel about him, but how he feels about himself. He has so much fear of owning up to the things he does. His ego telling him he will lose face, lose people if he does. Yet…that direction has lost him two people who loved him dearly.

My ex did the same thing….it’s just crazy. I have thought, God, he’s lost everything. His home, his business, his family, his boat. Would you not rethink your way of living? But he’s so immersed, his ego is so full of blame of everyone else, particularly me, that he just keeps losing more.

I hope Scott can stop before he’s lost as much as my ex. I hope he can look inward. I would have liked to be friends with someone I loved so much. Both Betty and I have said if we knew about each other, we would have walked away and been happy for him. But instead, he has kept the triangulation running. He became less bold with the deceit, but it was still there.

And I know this blog will piss him off. I know his ego will tell him that I’m trashing him. I’m actually trying to open a door or at least a window for him, to look through, to see a better path.

These thoughts are in my head today, and need to come out. As I told him, I will keep writing as I need to, you will keep hating it.

Makes me sad for him. The love never dies, it just changes form. But as someone said to me, we have so much to be grateful for, we can’t let people like him steal our happiness any longer.

Moving on, moving away, feeling free. Seeing what is, and not what could be. I wish him luck, I wish him peace, but again….I don’t expect he’ll find it, not until he can stand in his story and find his own worth. He’s been hustling on the corner for way too long.

Love and light all.