Friday Morning Musings

Yesterday was a kind of rough day.  I guess I’m not off the roller-coaster completely yet, but the rides are becoming less and less often.  I found myself missing who he was months ago.  It’s painful, it can become so intense.  I am able to get off the ride though, by remembering who he has become. Remembering the incomprehensible choices he made and the cruelty with which he was able to dismiss me.  And because A is always there, reminding me without even trying that I deserve to be loved in return.  Plus, I am excited to meet this new guy this weekend.  We have talked every night this week, we have really hit it off on the phone.

So these things help me crawl out of the slump.  If he hadn’t been so deceitful it would have been easier.  Seeing her and not telling me, pretending for weeks it was still only he and I.  The flirting, the innuendo.  And then his inability to truly let me go after.  But I haven’t heard from him since his voice mail Tuesday, so maybe he has, finally, let me go.  Maybe he realizes I meant it when I said it, I would never trust my heart to him again.  No matter if he keeps her or sends her packing, (which would be his smart choice, but he’s not known for making those), he destroyed what we had with his actions. There isn’t even a friendship there.

So today it’s onward, I am ok today, not missing him.  In full recognition of who he is this morning.  I’m excited about the future for myself.

I was pleased last night that the man I’m going to meet this weekend showed an interest in Reiki and energy work when we talked last night.  He has no knowledge of it, but had a lot of good questions, and seemed genuinely to want to know.  That was refreshing, to know he was open to alternative practices and beliefs, a little out of the mainstream.  I also like that he loves the outdoors, loves the beach and the water.  Like S, this man seems to know and love the Rhode Island beaches.  Maybe I can reclaim them, and make new memories there, instead of always having to think of S when I am there.  I would like that.

When my ex and I divorced, I went to our favorite beach with a couple girlfriends.  We had to walk in 2 miles from the state park, it’s a beach only really accessible by boat.  But I went, and gave myself a few moments alone.  I didn’t want the memories I had there with my son and my ex to keep me from a place I loved.  I reclaimed it, for myself.  Ii will do that with the other places S took me.  He once asked me not to take another man to these places.  It is an unfair request.  I’m not going to lose these beautiful places.  I am going to make new memories.

A was asking me about him, in the interest of wanting to see me with someone capable of loving me.  He said to me, “No more bums, Deb, ok?”  LOL.  Nope.  I’ll be more careful.  I will guard my heart more closely. This man will have to earn my trust, and the right to hear my story.  I already know he can make me laugh and put me at ease.  I just hope there is chemistry when we meet. I feel like there will be, but you never know.


To the Beach, Bitches….

OMG, did I have to laugh at myself today.

When my friends and I are planning something, i.e. this Sunday we are going to the beach, we organize it via group texting.  So…a few weeks ago, we planned to go this Sunday, the 26th.  We are taking a friend who NEVER goes to the beach, which is incomprehensible to me.  We live less than an hour from Long Island Sound, and some very nice beaches.  We live about an hour and a half from the Rhode Island beaches, which are really gorgeous.  3 hrs from Cape Cod. ‘Nuff said, you get the idea….

When we first planned it, the friend who has never gone (granted, she moved here from inland, but still, she’s been here many years….) said, via the mass text, “You guys are so good to me, I’m a beach virgin.”   I answered her, via the group text, “I can’t believe you never go!  I’m a beach whore, any beach, any time….” To which another friend answered, “Yes, you are surrounded by whores….”

So, fast forward to today.  The weather is looking slightly iffy for Sunday, possible t-storms, not that hot, about 80°, which means it won’t quite get there at the beach.  I texted what I thought was the same group text, “Are we on for Sunday?  Inquiring whores want to know….”

My best friend answered back, not in the group text, but privately, “LOL”…with a bunch of laughing crying smiley faces.  I didn’t realize it was private.  I said, again to the group text, “Maybe we should get t-shirts…”  About 5 minutes later someone I don’t know texted the group text saying, “You are texting in a massive group text of 15 people, you may want to go private….”

O. M. G.

In other words, I not only texted my best friends, but about 10 people I don’t know, that “Inquiring whores want to know.”

I went back and apologized.  In my defense, the names that showed up on my screen were all my best friends. The other numbers didn’t show up to warn me.

I still think we should get the t-shirts.