Yesterday was a kind of rough day. I guess I’m not off the roller-coaster completely yet, but the rides are becoming less and less often. I found myself missing who he was months ago. It’s painful, it can become so intense. I am able to get off the ride though, by remembering who he has become. Remembering the incomprehensible choices he made and the cruelty with which he was able to dismiss me. And because A is always there, reminding me without even trying that I deserve to be loved in return. Plus, I am excited to meet this new guy this weekend. We have talked every night this week, we have really hit it off on the phone.
So these things help me crawl out of the slump. If he hadn’t been so deceitful it would have been easier. Seeing her and not telling me, pretending for weeks it was still only he and I. The flirting, the innuendo. And then his inability to truly let me go after. But I haven’t heard from him since his voice mail Tuesday, so maybe he has, finally, let me go. Maybe he realizes I meant it when I said it, I would never trust my heart to him again. No matter if he keeps her or sends her packing, (which would be his smart choice, but he’s not known for making those), he destroyed what we had with his actions. There isn’t even a friendship there.
So today it’s onward, I am ok today, not missing him. In full recognition of who he is this morning. I’m excited about the future for myself.
I was pleased last night that the man I’m going to meet this weekend showed an interest in Reiki and energy work when we talked last night. He has no knowledge of it, but had a lot of good questions, and seemed genuinely to want to know. That was refreshing, to know he was open to alternative practices and beliefs, a little out of the mainstream. I also like that he loves the outdoors, loves the beach and the water. Like S, this man seems to know and love the Rhode Island beaches. Maybe I can reclaim them, and make new memories there, instead of always having to think of S when I am there. I would like that.
When my ex and I divorced, I went to our favorite beach with a couple girlfriends. We had to walk in 2 miles from the state park, it’s a beach only really accessible by boat. But I went, and gave myself a few moments alone. I didn’t want the memories I had there with my son and my ex to keep me from a place I loved. I reclaimed it, for myself. Ii will do that with the other places S took me. He once asked me not to take another man to these places. It is an unfair request. I’m not going to lose these beautiful places. I am going to make new memories.
A was asking me about him, in the interest of wanting to see me with someone capable of loving me. He said to me, “No more bums, Deb, ok?” LOL. Nope. I’ll be more careful. I will guard my heart more closely. This man will have to earn my trust, and the right to hear my story. I already know he can make me laugh and put me at ease. I just hope there is chemistry when we meet. I feel like there will be, but you never know.