Friday Morning Musings

Yesterday was a kind of rough day.  I guess I’m not off the roller-coaster completely yet, but the rides are becoming less and less often.  I found myself missing who he was months ago.  It’s painful, it can become so intense.  I am able to get off the ride though, by remembering who he has become. Remembering the incomprehensible choices he made and the cruelty with which he was able to dismiss me.  And because A is always there, reminding me without even trying that I deserve to be loved in return.  Plus, I am excited to meet this new guy this weekend.  We have talked every night this week, we have really hit it off on the phone.

So these things help me crawl out of the slump.  If he hadn’t been so deceitful it would have been easier.  Seeing her and not telling me, pretending for weeks it was still only he and I.  The flirting, the innuendo.  And then his inability to truly let me go after.  But I haven’t heard from him since his voice mail Tuesday, so maybe he has, finally, let me go.  Maybe he realizes I meant it when I said it, I would never trust my heart to him again.  No matter if he keeps her or sends her packing, (which would be his smart choice, but he’s not known for making those), he destroyed what we had with his actions. There isn’t even a friendship there.

So today it’s onward, I am ok today, not missing him.  In full recognition of who he is this morning.  I’m excited about the future for myself.

I was pleased last night that the man I’m going to meet this weekend showed an interest in Reiki and energy work when we talked last night.  He has no knowledge of it, but had a lot of good questions, and seemed genuinely to want to know.  That was refreshing, to know he was open to alternative practices and beliefs, a little out of the mainstream.  I also like that he loves the outdoors, loves the beach and the water.  Like S, this man seems to know and love the Rhode Island beaches.  Maybe I can reclaim them, and make new memories there, instead of always having to think of S when I am there.  I would like that.

When my ex and I divorced, I went to our favorite beach with a couple girlfriends.  We had to walk in 2 miles from the state park, it’s a beach only really accessible by boat.  But I went, and gave myself a few moments alone.  I didn’t want the memories I had there with my son and my ex to keep me from a place I loved.  I reclaimed it, for myself.  Ii will do that with the other places S took me.  He once asked me not to take another man to these places.  It is an unfair request.  I’m not going to lose these beautiful places.  I am going to make new memories.

A was asking me about him, in the interest of wanting to see me with someone capable of loving me.  He said to me, “No more bums, Deb, ok?”  LOL.  Nope.  I’ll be more careful.  I will guard my heart more closely. This man will have to earn my trust, and the right to hear my story.  I already know he can make me laugh and put me at ease.  I just hope there is chemistry when we meet. I feel like there will be, but you never know.


The Eclipse and Relationships

Tonight is the lunar eclipse.  I’m not sure it will be visible here, there are some low clouds coming in tonight, but they may hold off til later.  I found an article about the eclipse, which included some information about the eclipses possible effect on relationships, and it’s astrological significance.  It actually, in the context of my life, seemed fairly accurate.

S was more knowledgeable about astrology than I.  I am an Aries….He used to accuse me of being pushy, “ramming” my points home, when I wanted something or believed it.  I think he was right.  I have been trying recently, to push not so much with my head but with my heart.  I can still be assertive…but I’m trying, mindfully, to be kinder about it, more loving.

The article states “Saturday’s full moon falls in the first degree of fire sign Aries, which is why this eclipse carries strong energies related to assertiveness, action and individualism.”  In the days leading up to this, I have been assertive, though not demanding, about what I want from a relationship.  And S, too, has been assertive about what he wants.  And the two are not the same.

This paragraph really struck me:

“This eclipse marks the ending of the lunar tetrad cycle along the Libra-Aries axis that began in April of last year. Each of these eclipses has challenged us in different ways to assert our own personal needs, while also recognizing the importance of caring for others. Since this cycle began, many of us have experienced intense personal and relational challenges and growth. Many of my relationships are barely recognizable compared to where they were when this cycle began last year. It is time to reflect upon these changes, transformations, births and deaths, and integrate how they shape your path for the future. With endings, come new beginnings.”

And yes, my relationship with S is barely recognizable  compared to last fall, when we saw each other once or twice a week.  When he asked me, on a drive, if I could “Just sit there and be beautiful.”  Lol.  Sweet memories, is all.  Everything changes, evolves….and who knows where any story will end up.

I had talked with S about watching the eclipse with me tonight, but this morning, it seems that that concept is pretty much off the table., since I have not heard from him since Friday, when he rather curtly dismissed me, because I stood my ground.  I know he was probably frustrated, and not understanding me, I have always relented in the past, and I have steadfastly told him that I love him.  I think the two ideas are incongruous to him.  I had been ignoring reality, imagining that it would be different than it was, before.  I realize the truth now, and have to make changes that I can live with, decisions that don’t cause me to blow up in anger, frustration, at myself, for believing what was not true, and burying my own emotions.  In the words of Iyanla Van Zant (paraphrased, I cannot find the original quote),”The things you bury, do not die.  They rot and fester and make you sick.”

I wish him well.  I send him love.  I wish him peace.  He will always have a very special place in my heart.

Another relationship that has transformed in the last 6 months is my relationship with my older sister, who is a Libra…the other side of this axis.  Contentious at best last spring as she dealt with really hard issues for the first time in her life, to a closeness now that I absolutely treasure.  I will see her in 3 weeks, when her daughter gets married, up in the incredibly beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia.  I cannot wait to spend 4 days with my family.  My younger sister is coming with her 4 adult children and I think possibly her grandchildren.  I can only hope.  It will be lovely.  Just lovely.

This is the link to the article, if you want to read the whole article.  There’s other good information in it on the eclipse as well.

We Can Always Choose Love

This morning I listened to Deepak Chopra say “If we have a choice between love and grievance, we can always choose love.”  He went on to talk about noticing and allowing into our hearts the abundance of love all around us.

So I began my meditation with that thought, because although I sit out here on my deck alone, I can feel love from many sources.  It gives me strength.  Then I took that strength and focused on visualizing my good health, my financial abundance, selling my house for what I need to get for it, finding the perfect spot in Florida.  Maybe even finding the love of my life.

Asking, believing and receiving.  Three simple steps to achieving the life you want.  I’m going back to that place, so simple yet so effective it has been in my life.

I had this surgery with no pain, and honestly, there have been other rather profound changes in my life, in my psyche, that have occurred in these last 4 days,  None of them painful.  Just forward motion. It’s a good experience, to be able to close a book and open another without a huge amount of drama.

Breathing deeply, and counting my blessings.  Sending love and light to all.