Tag Archives: change

I’ve Been Played by an Expert

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’ve been played.  By an expert player. While last night’s poem “Sweet juice of the grape” aptly described where I was then….I just found out the real truth, and I have been so played.  So used.  So uncared for and fucked over.  S is not the man I thought he was, he is not the man I was so in love with.  He knows how to play me, to get my sympathy.  But I tired of his game, and stopped playing and the truth came out, and I am so done with him….more done than I was when he fucked the prison whore.

Right now, I think that’s what he deserves, is a prison whore and no more.  Certainly not a woman who is capable of loving.  I’m gonna go lick my wounds with a bottle of rum, and  have myself a good cry, and when I get back from Florida maybe find a man who deserves me.

I might even give A a call.  We are friends, and I know he’d gladly hang out with me.  He’s moving in a few days, but I bet he’d be happy to do something with me to take my mind off of what S has done to me.  I know I’ll get over S, because I’m capable of it.  Because I know what I want, and even though I thought it was him, now that I know it’s not, I can deal with it.  Hope he can sleep at night with what he’s done.  My ex-husband was called unconscionable 9 times by the CT Supreme Court.  I wonder how many S would get.

i love my strangers :) especially the ones I have memories with aka friends

Shifting

Posted on by learning to live like water

Feeling unsettled.  Still not feeling real well, though better.  Emotionally I am very unsettled.  That usually means a shift is underway.  A shift, in my perceptions.  A shift in my feelings.  A shift in the way I approach the events in my life.

I think it has to do with accepting that which I cannot change, thus making choices that are more in alignment with reality. Taking a deep breath and seeing what is, untempered by how I want it to be. And somehow being happy about it.

I think.  Moreso, I feel.  Accepting what is.  Words echo in my head, begging me to listen, and not ignore.  I am still trying to ignore these words.  Ok, I will try, I answer.  I’ll try.

Accepting Reality

Posted on by learning to live like water

I heard from him, not long after I put up the blog yesterday.  He thinks I’m attacking him, in my communication with him.   Since what I said in answer to his “Are you pissed off” questions was to tell  him how I felt, and nothing more, I have to assume that my being unhappy is perceived as an attack on him.   He said he didn’t talk to me for the whole day because he was “annoyed that you played the same broken record again.”

So….It’s an annoyance to him if I am unhappy, if something is bothering me, wearing on me.  If I am struggling.  It’s an attack on him.

Not struggling to understand this morning.  Struggling only to accept.

Reality, standing in front of me, hands on it’s hips, saying, what are you gonna do now?  Now that  you know????