Tag Archives: confusion

Stuff on My Mind

Posted on by learning to live like water

Stuff on my mind lately. Important stuff, to me.  Don’t really know what to do about it.  Don’t really feel like writing about it.  I think it’s best just to sit with it.  I don’t feel pressed to make any kind of decision about it.  I need  a little distance from the “event” that pulled it all to the top.

While I would always describe myself as a  happy person, there is an aspect of my life that seems to be deliriously happy or very unhappy.  Lately more unhappy than happy, even though the happy moments have been grandiose.

Feeling like I wish I could just retire, sell my house and move to Florida, buy myself a cute little house and disappear into the landscape.  In the next 5 days.  Nothing like a dream…

Sometimes it might be way easier not to know what I want.  But all that time I spent figuring out who I was when I left my marriage enabled me to create a vision.  And generally, everything is coming into focus with what envisioned.  Except this one thing…..

Sigh.  Gonna go to bed, sleep on it.  Maybe do a little bit of Byron Katie’s inquiry on it.  It would help to just accept reality I think.  As long as I was sure I knew what that was.

Going with the Flow Today

Posted on by learning to live like water

The other night S and I were having a conversation via text.  It was kind of light hearted, flirtatious, easy.  I was getting sleepy and said goodnight, he continued texting, so after about 10 or 15 more minutes, I said I was going to sleep (because I couldn’t keep my eyes open).  When I woke in the morning there was a text from him much later, during the night asking if I was pissed off.

The question itself confused me….I didn’t think I’d said anything to indicate that I was angry or upset over anything.  I was however, feeling the struggle that I wrote about yesterday.  Had been feeling it the night before, though I hadn’t thought it came through in my texts because it was only a feeling then, not yet developed into a thought.  His question, wondering if I was pissed off, kind of propelled it into a thought though.  Thus the blog about “Struggle”.

I didn’t want him to think I was angry,but thought he deserved to know what was on my mind, so I told him.

I have not heard from him since I told him.

Which is, in and of itself, confusing.  If he was going to ask the question, did he not want an answer?  A truthful answer?  I told him of the struggle, I have told  him of it before.  It is not news.  It is a struggle that at times presents itself, I have to deal with it or not.  He also can deal with me and it or not.  I asked for no answers from him, or changes.  Just said that I was longing for something that wasn’t there.  Truth.  He knows it.  I know it.

So, not to hear from him in 24 hours is more than just confusing, considering we normally have an ongoing text conversation all day, and usually a phone call.  What does it say?  That he doesn’t want to deal with it.  That he doesn’t want to know if and when I have issues with the one-sidedness of our relationship.  I don’t know.

And then, I’m concerned that it was bad timing for me, that perhaps his friend who is so sick took a turn for the worst, and that, and me and my issues, and the fact that he had a bunch of family birthdays to deal with yesterday, were too much for him.

And there I am making excuses for him.  Life happens.  I asked for nothing from him when I briefly explained my struggle.  If he was overwhelmed at the moment, I would have expected a “Can we talk about it later?”  If his friend took a turn, he knows he could tell me and I would be there, and shelve whatever I was dealing with until later.

Reminiscent of him blocking me for what seemed to be no reason last week.

Feels like rejection, feels like I am very much more on the periphery of his life.

Feels like I should perhaps take the love I feel for him and redirect it into the rest of the world for the time being.  Once again, it feels like he’s just not that into me.  And really, it accentuates the struggle I have, and it confirms what I feel.

So, in my best Byron Katie voice I will say, “I wish you well S, if that’s what you want. I am a lover of reality, and the reality is that you want something that doesn’t include me.”

My life is rich and full, of friends and family and things I am passionate about.  If S should choose to communicate with me I will be open to it, but I won’t obsess over it, or the lack of it.

It’s all about letting go I guess. Seems I’m being forced into letting go, and I will go with that flow, until the flow changes. Maybe the flow will take me somewhere better, or unexpected.  Who knows.  Just living like water.

Looking for Solid Ground

Posted on by learning to live like water

Broken sleep.  Wake to a grey rainy day. It matches my mood.  It isn’t cold, That’s a blessing.  But it’s dark, the way I feel.  It’s dull, non-descript.  It’s going to rain soon.

It’s how I feel.  Grey.  Muted.  Non-descript.  Realizing that I have given myself away, and I’m empty.

A wants to see me again.  He’s moving.  He wants to see me before he goes.  I have not wanted to.  Why?  He was nothing but loving and kind, his only crime was that he was not S.

S….is currently breaking my heart, again.  It doesn’t make me want A.  It makes me want to crawl into a hole and not come out until I’ve stopped loving him.

It just makes me rethink not saying goodbye to A.  It is a simple request.  I think I mostly said no because I knew the relationship with A bothered S.  Not wanting to disrupt the healing I thought was going on with S, I didn’t want to interject A into it again.

But now?  What healing goes on between S and I?  What was, is no more.  The schism grows daily. I don’t think my saying goodbye to A will make one bit of difference to S.  I am stopping dreaming of being wrapped in S’s arms, because it doesn’t happen.  I am pretty sure that when I see him I will aggravate him, I will find out another reason why he doesn’t want to be in love or a relationship, one more thing about why he loved his ex girlfriend, despite what she did to him.  I will feel his anger, or disappointment, that I am not her.  (Funny how my sin of not being her, is the same as A’s, that he was not S.)  I will feel bad that I want him to myself.  That I want him to love me.  I feel guilty? ashamed? embarassed? at the depth of my feeling that he cannot match. I want to hide from his gaze. I don’t want to see how he doesn’t love me.

I’m in a small boat, out on a big sea, alone.  I climb to the top of the swell, and see the beautiful world, and sky.  Then inevitably I glide down the swell, and all I can see it water all around me.  And one little patch of sky, to remind me there is more than the water.  I’m ready to be on solid ground again.

Sitting With Our Sadness

Posted on by learning to live like water

Some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten in dealing with difficult emotions is to “just sit with it.”  This advice was given to a meditation group I used to go to once a week.  And honestly, that’s often what we would do for an hour or so there, just sit with whatever we were feeling, in the dark, with quiet music playing, or crystal bowls.  The same facilitator would also tell us, “We don’t need to go excavating.  If you don’t know what is making you sad, it doesn’t matter, just allow yourself to be sad, if you feel sad.  Honor that….”

So, I’ve done a lot of that. I’ve sat through my anger, I’ve sat through my sadness. Sitting with it, allowing it to surface, honoring what I feel, not denying any of it. There are no bad emotions, only bad reactions to them.

Those emotions that we don’t allow, and honor, and instead bury, don’t die. They fester, and rot, and make us sick, literally. I believe that years of unhappy living in a terrible marriage contributed far more to my diabetes than issues of genetics or weight. I don’t believe the body is separate from the mind. As the mind tries to hide from the unpleasant emotions, those emotions pop out somewhere physically. All illnesses have an emotional component. This is reason enough for me, to allow myself to sit with my sadness, anger, confusion, and honor that. Generally, when I have sat long enough with them, they bubble up, and then dissipate.

Meditation is part of my daily routine. I meditate every morning, almost, for about 15 minutes. I find the quiet time generally re-centers me, prepares me to stay focused throughout my day. There are times I catch a quick 5 minute refresher during my lunch hour.

Last night I did it again. I have been told by some people that I talk to much, that I should maybe keep my thoughts to myself, and resist the temptation to tell people exactly what I think. Last night, I silenced my voice, and instead I sat with my angst, my sadness, my confusion. I allowed myself to feel it all, in the middle of the night. For 3 hours.

What happens, when you just sit with it, is that generally acceptance of what is comes to you. Last night was no exception. This morning I accept the reality of what was bothering me, I acknowledge that things are not what I want them to be, and I stop my efforts to make them so. I am reminded of Byron Katie, who says things like, “How do I know it’s supposed to be that way? Because it is….”

As water finds it’s way, I will try to go with the flow. It may seem to be taking me from what I want, but generally, it will get me where I need to be eventually. I may meander from the straight line I wanted to travel, but I may find something beautiful and unexpected in the bend in the river. I may end up where I originally wanted to be but with a richer, fuller appreciation of it. Or I may end up somewhere new and fabulous.

We need, I need, to trust that the universe knows our desires and is conspiring in our behalf to make them reality.

The Fog of Confusion

Posted on by learning to live like water
“Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.”
 – Anne Grant
I am confused this morning.  I have met a man…who is kind, considerate, loving, and wants to be with me.  I like him…a lot.  I have spent a lot of time with him this past week.  But when I lay my head on the pillow last night, I was missing S, and wishing so much that he could have cared for me that way.  And then feeling stupid for not appreciating momentarily what was, and wanting what wasn’t, and will never be.
It came from the fact that S called me and left me a voice mail asking me to talk to him yesterday.  I answered him, by email, and told him I would unblock the email, because I know he had things to say.  But I couldn’t see him or talk to him.
Why?  Why can’t I see him or talk to him?  Because what he did, fucking the prison whore, still hurts me.  I cannot hear his voice, even in a voice mail, without feeling that knife cutting my heart open again.  I could never look into his blue eyes, without melting down in pain.
I know I have to let go of the man, I have let go a great deal.  But of course, he still wants to see me.  He isn’t going to write what he has to say.  I don’t really want to hear what he has to say.  I don’t want him now, when he’s acted to destroy what I thought was something special, to tell me nice things.  He tells me he has nothing bad to say, and that he’ll make me smile.
I don’t want him to make me smile now.  I want him to disappear, so I can forget him, so I can fully appreciate the new man in my life.  The one who wants me, who would never hurt me, who strives to make me happy.
S told me he “needs this” and that I “owe” him.  I told him I owe him nothing.  How could I possibly owe him?  I loved him, while he refused to love me, or admit it.  He fucked the prison whore, not me.  What do I owe him?  He has already taken far more from me than he has given.  He owes me, the peace of mind that I ask for, to leave me alone, to let me go on and forget about him.  To give me enough time for the affection I feel for him to fade.
Confused.  I hope I don’t blow this new opportunity, wishing the past was different than it was.  Stupid, just stupid of me. Maybe it’s just another layer that I need to sit with.  I don’t know.  Confused.
Gonna put on the fog lights and find my way out of this.