Long day but it turned out well. Had a couple of friends over for seafood gumbo on the deck. Got some housework done, some shopping. Got my tv room measured for new carpeting.
Blessed to have good friends. Blessed in general.
Don’t let the bastards get you down.
Rocky Neck Beach, Niantic CT
The day was hot, my car said 87. We got to the beach about 10:30. There was a light breeze off the water, and it was slightly humid and hazy. We could make out Plum Island in the haze. (If you ever saw “Silence of the Lambs”, at the end they made an offer to Hannibal the Cannibal to live out his life on Plum Island. They used to do testing on very very dangerous animal diseases, like Anthrax, etc. there, but I believe it’s closed. They still don’t allow anyone on the island. It’s widely believed that’s where Lyme Disease came from. It is directly across Long Island Sound from Old Lyme, CT, where the disease in humans was first diagnosed. Just a bit of local information.)
I watched the boats plying the water and wistfully remembered my old life, all the years I was out there on a day like this. But the next best thing is to be sitting on the beach, smelling the salt air, letting the negative ions do their thing. We talked, ate, walked, rested, read. It was just a lovely relaxing day.
I had a short texting conversation with A before I went to the beach. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and he understood that there were 1000’s of miles between us, which would always remain. So we were good friends, close friends, but that chances are we would both meet someone else. He agreed completely and said he hoped I would find someone who would “adore me”. Sweet man.
I didn’t hear from S today at all, but did hear from him Friday night. We first texted, then we talked on the phone. It was a nice conversation. He updated me on his health. He made me laugh, I will always appreciate that about him. He has an offbeat sense of humor that just tickles my funnybone. We texted a little yesterday before I went on the boat. I didn’t get in touch with him when I came home last night. I was just tired from the day, being on the water always makes me sleepy. He texted me at about 11, wondering if I was angry. Which made no sense to me, but no, I said, I wasn’t angry, I was just sleeping. That conversation ended rather badly, because I brought up the 4 day silence I got last week. I have not heard from him since, even though I apologized this morning for being bitchy, but saying I was also still working through that anger. I think it’s understandable. Maybe he’s just giving me space to work it out, I don’t know. Maybe he’s angry. Whatever it is, I am not worrying about it.
There are many things about him I love (like the way he makes me laugh) but I have no interest in continuing our relationship as it was. So it’s all good.
It has been a lovely weekend, by the water, all weekend. The thought runs through my mind occasionally that I so hoped I’d be doing these things with S, but I’m doing them, and that’s a good thing. There are no expectations now, no hopes, no dreams, only the present moment, and I am good with it, as it is, whatever it is. There’s no pain that way either.
Sitting out on my deck, having coffee outside this morning. It’s my first time this season. It’s where I spend my hour to myself every morning when it’s warm enough. It’s not really warm out yet, it’s ony 50°F, but I have a blanket around my shoulders and the sun is warm on my back. There are few clouds in the brilliant blue early morning sky. It promises to be a beautiful day.
There are a few things on my mind this morning. I did a gratitude meditation, and have so much to be thankful for. For one, that I have this place to sit and have my coffee. That my health, while I am diabetic, and arthritic, is actually pretty good. The diabetes is well controlled, the arthritis seems to be improving as of late. It is really only in my hands that I have an issue with it. I haven’t had as much as a cold in maybe a year, and even then, the last cold I had was very minor. So I say, I am blessed with good health. Nothing that affects my quality of life.
I am grateful for my family. My son who is doing remarkably well, is healthy, strong. He has found his niche I think, and is making something of his life. I’ve worked hard with him to overcome the affects of growing up in an abusive dysfunctional household, and he seems to be emotionally mature. I am proud of him. And grateful.
I’m grateful for my two sisters, and my mother. We have always all been very close, even though we live at great distances from each other. My mother’s stroke, which has left her partially paralzyed and unable to communicate, has stressed and tested the bonds between my sisters and I, but we have always had our base in love and care, and when things get tough, we return to it, for comfort and love.
I am grateful for the presence of S in my life. He has added a dimension to the joy in my life that seems to balance it.
I am grateful for my family of friends. Last night I went with a friend to a high school play to see another friend”s daughter. We got to the high school close to starting time, because we had waited to watch the Kentucky Derby before we went. The friend whose daughter was in the play greeted us at the door. “Go down to the 4th row,” she said. “You’ll see everyone, there are seats there for you.” And there in the 4th row were more of our friends, and some of her family, who I am also close to. I love being part of a group of people who have been best friends for 10 or 15 yars. Blessed. Just blessed.
I ran into my old next door neighbor at the play. I knew my old house had been sold in a foreclosure sale. I am concerned about what my ex will do,he has lived there almost 40 years now. He does not adapt to change well,which really is the crux of why he lost the home. I also know that he blames me for it all, (because if I hadn’t left him, and he hadn’t had to give me a settlement….yada yada yada) and so I am not in a position to call him and see how he is, what his plans are, to ease my mind that he will recover from this. I know he is devastated, but I don’t want to be at the receiving end of his anger again, at least, not face to face. He is probably going to lose his business too.
Truth be told, if I hadn’t left him, and then our son, he would most likely still be drinking, and would have gone through all the money he had to give me, (since he already went through much more money than the amount awarded me) and we would all be facing homelessness. My being there, working with him was just a form of enablement.
But it’s sad, to see someone with whom you shared so much of your life, get to such a state. Knowing that there was a time when he, we, could have had everything we ever wanted Ego and greed and fear destroyed his life. I pray that someday he’ll see the real reasons why his life unfolded as it did.
But this morning, I turn to gratitude. That some light shone on me, and I have been able to create a joyful life. Family, friends, a man who I thoroughly enjoy who boggles my imagination every time I’m with him, a home, a life. I am blessed.
I can’t remember who said it, but some one said, “If you only have one prayer, let it be Thank you.” This morning it is Thank you.
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