Less Is More

This morning’s “death” set me back. For about an hour. Not bad. I was angry not hurt, but I managed to get through it without adding to the garbage that was out there already.

I’ve been trying to take the old gong stand apart and down for about a week now.  I guess it was my adrenalin, but I went at it like a bear an hour after I threw him out of the house and got it into pieces small enough to stash under my bed for the time being. I was then able to put my living room back into the shape it was in before I had to rearrange it to accommodate 2 gongs. Then I set up the table that some of the other instruments sit on when performing. I sat down and began playing, first the bowls, then the gong came in low and I did that for a while. A long while. Then I realized I could play the ocean drum, and the gong flumies. Those are little rubber mallets, really superballs on a stick, that make the most amazing sounds. The smaller the diameter of the ball, the higher pitch sound. Most people think of them as the whale sounds, because they really do sound like whales keening. I have 5 different sized ones, and they sounded amazing with the ocean drum going at the same time. It was so soothing for me. Healing myself while I played.

When I decided I needed to eat, since I’d eaten an apple since coffee in the morning, I put it all down, let the vibrations fade and most of the intense anger was gone. I realized what a sad. solitary and broken life he had lived, and that his attacks were really about himself. Every time I wanted to tell him off, I started writing it out and then deleted it. So, I got it out of me, but didn’t add to the self-loathing than I’m pretty sure he already is deep into. Because in the end he will hear in his head the voices from his youth that told him he was always at fault for everything. Even though he is, lol, in this case.

No, not really. I believe that people do the best they can according to their level of consciousness at the time. I feel sorry for him, in the end, because, well, just because.  I don’t need to list the reasons. But the point is, the gongs not only heal those meditating while I play, but they heal me, to play them. It was a lovely thing. I feel blessed to have that gong in my house, and the bowls and the rest of those wonderful instruments.

Because I managed to get through that, I was able to make myself a good dinner. I’ve walked a mile and a half for two days in a row. I’m determined to get back to the way I was when I moved down here. I’ve had a rough go of it for the last many months. Wrecked my back, which seems ok now. Went on the cruise from hell, came back and was sick for 3 weeks. My health finally seems stable. The negative influence, which grew and grew until I was weighed down by has been eliminated. My knees crumbled under it. I’m straightening back up. Making new friends. Really working at reconfiguring my sound healing so I can do it with less. We all know less can be more. Maybe it was all in the grand design. I think it might come off better without him. Not to be mean. Honestly. But he never bought into the healing, and I think without that vibe from someone who is not all in, completely, it just might be more effective.

Yesterday when I was out walking, I stopped into a little shop full of handmade goods. It’s new, and I’d heard good things about it. I was the only customer in the store, and the owner was at the counter with her laptop. I asked her about the jewelry, was it local, handmade. I asked if maybe I could show her some of my work sometime. She said, sure bring it in. Then I asked her if she had ever heard sound healing at the beach. She looked at me for a moment and then said, “OMG! That was YOU!” I smiled and asked if she’d been there. She went on about how amazing it had been, and how it changed her, the experience was so intense. I knew she was speaking from her heart. She asked if she could tell me her story, and when she was done, I asked her if I could hug her.

Because that’s why I do it. To give people a venue to do what she did. To facilitate that kind of healing. I don’t do anything, I want to make that clear. I mean I take no credit for what happens there. I just offer the space, support and the vibrations, and energy so that people can heal themselves. I remembered this woman, because when she was leaving, she put her hands together in a prayer gesture, and thanked me so sincerely. She said I said to her, “welcome back.” I don’t remember saying that, but it’s likely, I say it often when the event is over. She said that when I said that she was thinking, OMG, she knew I was on a journey.

Well of course, I’ve taken that journey probably 300 times. I am so happy to share the experience. So without Dan, it will be different. But I think his absence will allow me to fly on my own, and who knows where that will lead.

Now I’m watching TV and thinking of making some kettle corn. Mmmmm.

Feeling very free tonight. Love and light everyone.

A Meeting, Maybe

I think Dan is coming over here to talk today, although he has not confirmed or given me a time. I have no expectations.  Since I told him my door was open if he could ever talk to me about the things that separate us, I feel like I should allow this. So, we’ll see what happens.

For the most part, I have found myself happier alone. I have periods where I miss him, but more where I am relieved that I can once again focus on the things important to me, without his judgment or demands. Like writing.

He has started coming out to the music venues where our friends play, and congregate. While I am very happy he’s not withdrawing into himself, which I was truly afraid of, it is uncomfortable for me, because I’m so angry that he treated our relationship so badly, and walked out on it rather than talk to me. So when I see him, I can barely look at him, for the pain and anger I feel. He can act….and pretend. I cannot. I will not. What you see is what you get. He wants to come to a dinner theater that my BFF here is starring in this Sunday. It’s bad enough when he’s sitting at a distance from me at another table. Having dinner with him (and a dozen at least other people) is not something I am looking forward to. He’s always at the center of things, because he’s funny, and quick, and loud. Thank God my high school girlfriend will be here to distract me, as well as other of my good friends. At the moment I just wish he wasn’t.

Anyway these are reasons we need to put this relationship on solid footing, either walking away, or walking together, but not standing still looking at each other, wondering what’s going on.

Well we will see what comes of talking today. If, in fact, it happens. Or if anything at all comes from it. It will be what it will be. I do know, for sure, that everything will be fine, in the end.

Love and light.

How I Do a Dream Interpretation

WordPress tells me I am on a 7-day streak, which gives me pleasure to know. I am back to my writing, it seems. I try not to be too specific in talking about my emotions any longer when I am writing here. I still write the details out, as I know of no more effective way to work things out than to write them down and see the patterns as they are.

Kind of like interpreting a dream, by utilizing a site that can assist. My personal favorite is dreammoods.com. I had a dream a couple weeks ago, vivid, remembered in detail but seemingly non-sensical. After looking up the main components of the dream, it made perfect sense. It aligned with what I believed, what had happened to me, and really confirmed what I already knew. It was very personal, so I won’t write about it here. But I did write about it, to put it all in order.

I list the main components and then look them each up for the meaning of that particular thing. In this dream, I was sleeping in a hallway at the beginning, and woke to a few inches of calm clear water on the floor. (This was only a portion of the dream.) So I looked up sleeping, hallway, flooding, water, windows (because they lined the hallway), and ceiling. I copy and paste them onto a description of the dream, and after I am all done, am able to make sense of it. Then I summarize it, and what it was telling me. I find it very helpful. I just wish I remembered more of my dreams.

I am determined to go for a walk today. I finally got a good night’s sleep, am not coughing, and have plans for a fun evening. I guess that means I should go get dressed. Besides, one of the neighbors just came out on their deck to smoke…so the peaceful tranquility of silence is broken. My coffee cup is empty anyway.

Love and light to all

It’s Enough

The silence of a Sunday morning
Wraps around me soft and oddly cool
Sitting outside in the hazy warm sunshine
My trusted coffee cup beside me
My peace lily in front of me.

The wind has died down for the moment,
Amplifying the stillness
And I feel a spark of happiness
Trying to re-light the fire that usually resides in my heart.

It’s returning.
Maybe not for the day
But for now.
And knowing that this moment is all that matters
It is enough.

 

By Deborah E. Dayen

The Actor

I loved him when he acted.
He was so convincing.
He kept it up day and night
for a long time.

But I guess he got weary
Of playing the part
All day, all night
And so he gave up the character.

I wish I’d known that he was acting
Not letting me in
Not letting himself out
I’d have tried not to fall in love.

Now, I miss him, at times
The actor with his funny lines
His tender touch.
But it’s all gone.

Funny how he thought
If I knew him,
I might not love him so
I guess he was right

Because the person I see now
Contradicts the one I loved
And so slowly
My heart stops longing

I just didn’t know.
I know now.
I wish him a happy life
Though I know he’s never happy.

It’s just a shame.

Mixed Emotions

Here I am, once again waiting for sunrise. I woke at 4 AM on the dot. I tried to get back to sleep but to no avail. I finally got up about 5:30, knowing if I wrote out my feelings, I might be able to sort them out. I was thinking about how Dan stopped by yesterday afternoon with some more of my stuff he found. While he was here, and didn’t even come in the house, I asked him for a folding table I knew was in his truck that we use for sound healing to put the bowls and drums on. It apparently upset him, and he started an argument with me when I told him I’d bought it, and I can use it. So, long story short, I am apparently supposed to be happy with all the stuff he bought me, and while I appreciate his gifts, I wasn’t bought, he can’t pay for me, or my love. He buys without any conversation about it, often stuff for my house that I’m not even given an opportunity to give input on, or have expressly asked him not to spend the money on. But I decided long ago, after repeatedly telling him that it makes me uncomfortable, that it’s his money to spend as he sees fit, he’s a grown man and I assume he can manage his own money.

Anyway, it was not a happy conversation.

Immediately after one of my BFF’s from CT Facetimed me, and we talked for about an hour for the first time in a very long time. It felt so good to reconnect with her. She has been there with me through my marriage, divorce, a boyfriend who broke my heart. She was so happy when Dan and I got together, because she and everyone liked him, I was not the only one who fell for his acting ability. But she supported me yesterday, but she told me how proud she was of me, to be accepting of what is, to let go, to set boundaries.

I had to hang up after an hour because I’d made arrangements to meet a couple very close friends at a restaurant to listen to my two more very good friends sing. (We are all part of the same tribe, as we say.) As I was getting ready to go, the woman singing sent me a text to tell me Dan was there. I was happy, and not happy. Because it still hurts me, that he shut me out, but I was happy he was getting out, and not locked in his condo. But as he left, he walked over to the table, came up behind me and apologized for over-reacting. I thanked him, because it was good that he could acknowledge that he’d been such an ass….but really it was so minor in comparison to the reason we are split. I wish he could apologize for that, and at least try to repair that damage. But that’s wishful thinking, and it’s not going to happen. This morning the poignancy of that dichotomy, what he says and what he does, woke me up and is hitting me a little hard.

One of my spirit girls and I had a conversation this week, on FB around a meme about how relationships are not designed to make you happy, but to help you grow. Because I keep saying that I thought I’d learned this lesson, but apparently not. Immediately after that conversation I found an article by a page called “Fractal Enlightenment” which suggested that we keep coming back to the same lessons because our path is not linear but a spiral, and each time we encounter the lesson it’s from a different perspective. Which, I’m pretty much in agreement with. An understanding of this makes the frustration of having yet another failed love affair much easier to take.

If you’d like to read it, here’s the link:

https://fractalenlightenment.com/40308/self-development/keep-coming-back-lessons?fbclid=IwAR2xqfwcdqIODHYSnIdu2cGUc78ehhXOES-m7sNmOfYGBx-HQf13m2NscE4

Obviously, I am in a serious place this morning. There are emotions running around in my heart from missing Dan, yet knowing that it would only get worse if I didn’t set boundaries. There is only one way to open a path through them. He knows what it is, he chooses not to take it. I refuse to go back to where we were. As I told another old friend yesterday, I can’t go backward, even though sometimes it’s tempting.

I am ok this morning, just working out this stuff. Hope everyone has a good day. Love and light.