Haiku No. 463: Sweet Dreams

I heard your sweet voice

Murmur my name as you slept

Sweetest dreams ensued.

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Saving the Peace Lily

peace lily

I’ve had a Peace Lily in my house since I moved out of my ex-husband’s house. My sister gave me one when I moved into a condo, where I remained for the 4 years I worked to end that relationship. My cat loved batting at the leaves, thereby shredding them, and just about killed it. It wasn’t really happy there,and neither was I, but managed to survive just until I was ready to move.

Then when I moved into my house, my dream house, I bought another, and put it in the corner of my formal living room, with big vaulted ceilings and skylights. That plant was very happy there, for the 5 years it lived there. There were times I was getting 12 blossoms on it at once. But then, my son and I was happy there, and I suppose it got that vibe. When I moved I gave it to one of my best friends, who has an incredibly green thumb and it’s still thriving, as far as I know.

When I moved to Florida, I bought yet one more. It’s lived inside and outside, but seems to like my desk the most. It has done well, but has been looking a little peaked, with some leaves turning yellow and brown, and dying. So, the other day Dan and I went to Home Depot and got a new, bigger pot, and some new soil. We came home and began the repotting thing.

The old pot was maybe a 8” pot. The new pot is 15”. It needed a lot more soil. But what it really needed was to have it’s roots thinned out. Dan said he’d never seen a plant so potbound. Weird, how my plant in my house in CT never got repotted, and thrived. This one which I’ve had half as long, was ridiculous. Though, I’m guessing the pot on the one I have here was much smaller than the old one.

So, we did this repotting about a week ago. The pot is one of those self-watering pots so we filled it with water, and left for Dan’s for a few days. When we got back to my house yesterday, the plant looked so much better! The leaves were regaining their color, and seemed full. New leaves are sprouting up, and I was delighted to find a new lily bud popping through!

Please note that I do NOT have a green thumb and do very little gardening. This plant and one other, and a few herbs are the extent of my gardening experience. But I have to say how satisfying it is to see the plant begin to fade, and then see it beginning to thrive again. It has encouraged me to at least see if I can’t find a way to grow some things, like beans, and cherry tomatoes, in addition to the few herbs (basil for caprese!, parsley, maybe some chives and rosemary.) I need them to be in the boxes you can set high enough to work on them standing up. My knees would argue with me if I tried to kneel and weed. And I’m thinking I could maybe plant a lime tree somewhere.

Honestly, I don’t want to get into a whole new passion. I already have writing, jewelry making, the boat, 2 homes between Dan and I. I don’t have much time to give them, but I can carve out some…

Dan’s pretty knowledgeable about growing things. He’s had some good suggestions. I don’t know if this will become a reality or not, but one thing is for sure. That peace lily makes me smile every time I walk by it. I’d like to multiply that good vibe a little. You know, spread the happiness out my back door and see what happens.

Love and light everyone.

Writing Prompt: Talking to My Younger Self

Dear Young Me,

There is a lesson you need to learn young one. Well, actually, a lot of them. You think you are so wise, so much smarter than those who have gone before. Your heart is good, and willing, so I’m going to try to teach you.

Words mean things. They are how we communicate knowledge, and understanding, and feelings. Don’t just let them flow from your head to your mouth thoughtlessly. Remember that time you said the n-word on the school bus, and how utterly ashamed you felt after? And I still feel bad about that, and banned the word from my vocabulary, and my house, and my thoughts. Let love and compassion drive the words you say. Be honest, and honorable in all your communication.

I remember the stories you told, like the one you told about meeting a superstar when you were 14. Just to see if people would believe you, and guess what? They did. Did that make you special? No. It made you a liar. How did you feel when you were found out? Not good, right? You were then known by at least a couple people as a liar. It is only to those people’s credit that no one else ever found out. I have said many times in the last 6 or 7 years, that the Universe will spit out a lie, and it will come back and slap you upside the head. One lie usually leads to another and another, and when the house of cards falls down, it can bury you.

You will meet people who are not uncomfortable with lying, and will tell another and another til there are so many layers of lies covering the original lie that the real truth is obscured for those who can’t see clearly. Endeavor to see clearly. Don’t ignore the red flags that are flying. Trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not for you. In the words of Maya Angelou, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. The first time. Look how you believed the story about Bruce being in the Pan Am games. Well, he wasn’t. It was a story he made up. Look at the ways his affection ebbed and flowed, never consistent. You knew in your gut you aren’t being treated well, yet, you blew off his bad behavior and made excuses for it.

I want to talk to you about knowing yourself. Make time for introspection. Going through your self-check list honestly and deeply allows you to live more authentically. Do you know what you want from this life, and are you living in such a way as to facilitate your dreams? At the same time, ask yourself: Are you being loving? Willing? Do you listen to others who need to tell their story? Were you compassionate to those who needed it? Were you truthful with your words? Was your anger valid, or misplaced? Were your actions congruent with the person you are, and want to be? Are you learning your lessons, those hard soulful lessons? Are you following through with your intentions, even when the going gets tough?

Since I was once you, I know the answer to these questions. I know that you tended to make other’s dreams your own quite often, assisting them in achieving their dreams, but never giving yourself the same consideration. Remember when you wanted to go back to school, and get your teaching degree. And remember how Bruce made you feel, as if you were abandoning him and his dreams? So you didn’t go, instead you filled an obligation he had thrust on you, to do for him. Never, not once, does he ask you what you want, and try to assist you. And you just went along with him, thinking it was your duty, or oblgation as his wife, or out of fear of breaking the marriage or the family? It wasn’t A red flag, it was many. In fact there is, most of the time, one or more of them flying, and you, running from the obligation to yourself, turning a blind eye to them. You are non-confrontational ALL the time, even when it’s necessary.

You have to be courageous. You have to be willing to put yourself out there, and not be fearful of the repercussions. Or inspite of your fear of the repercussions. Because, they will be what they will be, but if you are behaving in a manner that honors yourself, your wishes, your desires to be a good person, trust me, that’s where you will go. The only way to the other side of a lot of things, is through them. Like right through the middle of them. Not around, not above, not below. Not waiting til a better time, not giving in, not pushing them under the rug and pretending you don’t need to deal with it. Just pull up your big girl panties, and push through. You spend so much time in fear, young one, and fear is the longest, hardest, and least rewarding of all.

I wish I’d done this at your age. I wish I’d been more thoughtful, more cognizant, more able to discern truth from lies. Strong enough to walk away when the ending was apparent. Strong enough to walk toward life, and love, away from anger and disappointment. I wish I’d loved myself more. By that I mean that I wish I’d behaved in ways that honored myself more. I wish I’d shown up, and allowed myself to be seen and heard, and not allowed myself to be intimidated by other people. Everything I am telling you are things I wish I’d done at your age.

You don’t want to get old and have a lot of regrets. Regrets are a weight on us, on our souls and our psyche. We all have them, but you have to try to keep them to a minimum. You don’t want to get to my age, and suddenly realize that most of your life was lived under a canopy of fear, not love.

But now I’m going to tell you something that seems opposite. You WILL go through some difficult times. You will have days you want to lay down and cry, remove yourself from the world. Days where you don’t know what to do, where confusion is the order of the day. You will choose badly and have to undo the damage. We believe lies. We gossip. We make up stories and get caught, like the lie you told Mom where you were that time in high school. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us.

But a mistake is only a mistake if there’s no lesson learned. So, I want you to always, when you go through a difficult minute, hour, day, month, or year, become proactive and think about what YOU could have done to make it different. How you could have reacted differently to create a different outcome. What lesson can you learn from this mistake? Even though there are some people who choose use mistakes as a way of holding us down, convincing us that we are not worthy of anything good, always know that you are worthy of love and belonging. Believe in yourself, and live in such a way that you honor yourself.

I know you better than anyone. And I can say, You are enough. You are so enough. It’s unbelievable how enough you are.

Love,

You.

Writing Prompts, Adventures, and Shuffleboard

I’ve been working on a writing prompt for my writer’s group. The prompt is “what would your older self tell your younger self?” I’ve been struggling with this one. How to format it, what to talk about. I finally realized that it was not a conversation with the younger me. It is older me, the current me, giving advice to the younger me. The group is meeting tomorrow, so I finished and edited what I had written. But I’m not sure I am happy with it, which I will have to be before I will publish it here. So, we’ll see. It’s been an interesting exercise at the very least.

We have been spending time on our boat, and the other day bought and installed a TV in the cabin. It’s a smart TV so we can run the wifi off of our phone’s hot spot. It’s so great! We get Amazon Prime, Netflix, Youtube, and anything else we want to watch. It’s so nice to lay on the boat, rocking and watching TV. Nice benefit after a day in the sun.

Speaking of a day in the sun, earlier this month we took a ride out into the Gulf, rather than staying in the bay that this town is situated on. It was a lovely calm day. But suddenly the boat seemed to stall. Dan started it up, and it started right up but as soon as he put it in gear it stalled. I told him I was pretty sure that something had fouled the propeller. One of us had to go in the water to see, and since Dan recently had rotator cuff surgery he was unsure that he could pull himself up on the swim ladder. So I went in. The water was pretty cold, about 62° or 63°. I jumped off the swim platform and came up gasping for breath because it was SO cold. I started trying to unwind it but it’s under the swim platform, and I had to hold my breath each time I worked on it. Finally, I gave up, realizing that the line was wrapped way too tight to undo by hand, and climbed back in the boat. By now we had blown in toward the beach and were getting nervous. We threw the anchor out, and by then we were in shallow enough water, Dan could just stand up in the water, and take a knife under the boat and cut the line away.

Adventures in boating, lol.

Boating here is so different. The bottom almost everywhere is sand, not rocks, not grass. Sand. And it moves, and the channels can be so narrow in places, and the water so shallow. Suddenly shallow. The saying down here goes something like this: There are only two kinds of boaters here. Those who have run aground, and those who lie about it. We’ve not gone aground, and I sure hope we don’t. But apparently, if we do, we will be in good company.

We also have joined the St. Pete Shuffleboard club. Yeah, really. (My son says I am starting to sound like an “old” person, lol.) It’s where shuffleboard was invented and is the oldest club in the country. As a member we can bring up to 6 more people, enough to fill 2 courts. Membership is $60 a year. The club has about 80 courts, with bleachers and seating. We can go play anytime we want, 24/7. They give us the combination to the equipment shed and showed us how to turn on the lights. We can bring our own food and drink, even adult beverages, and just enjoy a nice relaxing evening or afternoon.

We took a couple days last week and went to my sisters. We haven’t been all winter yet. Dan has been recovering from the rotator cuff surgery, which is a real bear. 6 months later he is still in some serious pain at times. Then my brother-in-law has had a couple of surgeries, one major and two for cataracts, and we’ve all had colds this winter. So finally we managed to find a couple of days where everyone was healthy and feeling good and take a run down. It was really nice to see them, and enjoy the pool and the good food! Plus we got to go to a neighborhood party, which was fun.

So life has continued to be rich and full. Still go to open mic though not every week, and I still meet with my group of “Spirit Girls” every other week. Life is good.

Love and light to all.

The Weight of Shame

shame

Shoulders slumped
Under the weight
Of guilt

Hurting him was not
In the plan
There was no plan

Just words
Spoken in anger
Where was the love?

Shoulders slumping more
The weight sending
Her head into her hands

Shame is heavy
Weighing her down
Who is she, now?

 

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Reach 10 via Google Images