Thoughts Through The Thunderstorm

It’s a good thing I’m home alone tonight, because I’m feeling a little disconnected. From myself. I spent the morning cleaning up my house, well specifically my bathroom and my kitchen. I had a contractor coming over to look at my bathroom because it needs a remodel really badly. So, this was my starting point. The weird thing was that when she got done measuring everything and finding out what I wanted to do with each thing, what the end result would be…we started talking about having kids, an outgrowth I gues, of me saying that I was going to be a a grandmother again.

Oh…yes, that’s true…my son’s girlfriend is about 9 weeks pregnant. I am, they are, very very excited. But more on that later.

Pretty soon this contractor woman and I were sitting on my couch relating all kinds of stories of childbirth, of ailments, etc. The conversation just flowed, and it was good. I feel a bit strange about it, even though everything I told her and she told me, was personal, it was only about us. Not our significant others or anyone else. Only about our kids in passing. She was much younger than me but could be my friend. If…if….I wasn’t looking to have her company do work for me. So…I’m going to leave it where it is, but may do reiki for her sometime.

Right now one of Tampa Bay’s famous electrical storms is raging outside my window. Thunderbooming loudly. And lightning flashing across the living room, through the drawn venetian blinds. It seems as though the universe is trying to jolt me out of my disconnection. Which I have yet to explain to you or even myself.

Last night we had book club meeting. We read The Invitation, which is one of the most amazing poems I’ve ever read. I used to keep it open on my phone when I lived up north because I was trying to bring to me, to manifest as it were, the man who could, first of all, understand what it was about, and secondly, answer the questions posed. Because if he could do that well, the way I needed him to, I could have the intimate relationship that I have dreamed of.

After the woman for the bathroom left I contacted one of the new people in our group who has some real shit to go through so I offered last night to give her reiki today if she wanted. She has no idea what it is, but trusted our group enough, I think, to try it. She didn’t come today, but I did send her distance reiki.

I felt distracted. This morning I did self-reiki, as I do most mornings. I was focused, I could feel the energy, flowing through me, intensifying. This afternoon, sending it to her, I was distracted. I finished, with difficulty, but I really worked at focusing, and felt ok about the reiki. But me, my insides were pitch-poling all over. I called Dan, and I know he was wondering WTF was wrong with me. But by the time we hung up, a half hour later, I felt grounded, on my way back to my center. I do love that man.

The thunder is fading, but it keeps doing that, fading and then crescendoing. Like when we play the gongs. I’ve been on a journey today. An interior one.

Oh, and about the baby! About a week ago my son told me I would get a package from he and his girlfriend, and to not open it until I had them on Facetime. So, I did as I was asked, but never thought about what it could be. And if I had, “a baby” was not entering my mind. Anyway, I opened it as asked, and they watched, and it was a onezie, for a newborn. And it said on the front “You’re going to be a Grandma again!”

So sweet, so perfect. I shed a few tears of joy. Her due date is 2/2/22. Yes, Groundhogs Day. But more importantly, a very master number. All those 2’s! Of course, we all know that babies don’t usually come on their due date. But still, it’s a very cool thing. I asked Ellena, my other grandkid, to whom Bruce has been a father for 4 years, if she wanted a little brother or a little sister. She is 9. Her answer was, she didn’t care which. She just wanted to be the big sister. She’s very excited too. Yesterday they went for their first doctors visit. They had an ultrasound and sent me a picture. Dez, my son’s girlfriend, said, “Our blueberry is now the size of a kidney bean.” And has been calling the baby their little bean. I love it. I was invited to come stay with them from before the baby is born until a couple of weeks later. !!!!

Feeling blessed. And still reconnecting. Life is amazing. Love and light to everyone.

Random Thoughts

Why does change make me feel insecure? As if I don’t know who I am any longer. But underneath that is an assurance that I know better than ever who I am, and what my purpose is. I think I’m gathering courage to push myself over this hump, and the feeling of insecurity will then be replaced with a knowing that I can help people, that I can extend unconditional love to people who have never experienced it. And in that way, the world will change, one person at a time, extending it out exponentially. I am just part of that one mind.

So it’s been hard, to separate myself from the small group of friends. Not that I am really separate, not that we are no longer friends. I’m feeling like I needed to go off in another direction. That the old direction was not helping me to evolve, which is my purpose. Learn my lessonns and evolve my soul.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my reiki session with a new, brand new, friend who is in an abusive relationship. She needs so much support, she really triggered me. I told her it would take more than one session, and that was before I gave her the reiki. It’s been about 10 days, and every day I’ve struggled with my reaction to her. Thinking that of all people, I know where she’s at, and how hard it is to break out of that pattern. I intend to call her, and bring her back here, even if it’s for a half price session or something. I know money is tight with her. I want to wait until I’ve had my Karuna Reiki Master attunemennt, because that will enable me to go deeper with her. My attunement is in about 10 days. But I want to call her before, and just let her know I didn’t forget her.

I have been thinking about doing a sound healing for my book club. Having the next meeting here. I have thought maybe I could give each of the 4 other girls an instrument and I could loosely guide them and we could play together and see what happens. I’ll bring it up at our next meeting.

It’s been cloudy this week, and often we can see a cloudburst on the horizon. The sun may be out somewhere else. But now that the clear skies are streaked with clouds we have these amazing sunsets, and sometimes sunrises. And sometimes neither, just clouds. A thunderstorm woke me the other night. Actually the other morning, at 4 AM. First time this year. It kept up for about an hour. My plants are very happy about it. Everything is turning greener, even though I try to water them regularly. The soil here is very sandy, and water rarely penetrates more than a couple inches. Which is why the streets flood so easily, because the rain just runs off the ground and into them.

Chinese leftovers for dinner tonight. Chicken mei fun, with some soy and siracha added. It wasn’t bad. I’m home tonight, it is an off-night for the Tampa Bay Lightning in their pursuit to defend the Stanley Cup. I go to Dan’s to see it because I don’t have regular TV. He played hockey when he was a kid, defense because he’s a big guy. And of course I paid my 10 or 12 years worth of dues as a committed hockeymom. I still like the game, a lot. So I’ll be back at his house tomorrow night. Game 3 of the Eastern Conference Championship.

Right now, though, I am off to make myself a hot fundge sunday with sugar-free hot fudge and Dulce de Leche ice cream. Mmmmmm.

Love and light to everyone.

Change, The One True Constant in Life

I got word yesterday that my high school boyfriend is in the hospital and will probably transition within the next day or two. He’s had a myriad of very serious health issues. It made me so sad, because he was such a good guy. The person, from my old hometown in Iowa, who told me said he is fighting it, but his time now is measured in days.

He was such a good guy. He is a really good guitarist, and in high school played lead guitar in a popular local band. We were together 3 years, but then I went away to college, and he stayed in town, and I met my ex, and that was that. I always said, all he really wants to do is play the guitar. But, from what I can tell, he was a good family man, and had a happy life. We are friends on FB, but don’t ever talk except to wish each other a happy birthday. I am good with that. But not good with the pain and trauma he has undergone in the last few years. If you pray, then pray that his transition will be easy, and not painful.

So I got on the chat with my high school friends and gave them the bad news. They were, of course all friends of his as well. When I did contacted them, I found out the sister of one of my BFF’s, who I’ve known since I was 12, is also in the hospital with a serious bout of sepsis. My friend was worried, so I asked her if she wanted me to send reiki, which she did, so I sent it to her. Just for peace and also for her sister’s health.

It was a day full of sad news. I guess we are getting older, and losing people we’ve known our whole lives is going to become more frequent. While I accept that this is inevitable, I want to rail against it. I just have to know that no one ever really leaves us, and that they live on through the love we hold them in, in our hearts.

I’ve been motivated to finish up my will, living will, POA. I don’t want to leave my son a mess to deal with.

In other news, I have withdrawn from my writers group, Hypatia. I have just lost interest in the group, in writing in general, at least within the group. I will still write here. There are a few other reasons why I left that group. One of the main ones is that for close to 5 years, well 4 because of COVID, I hosted all the meetings at my house. Not once did anyone think that perhaps someone else should host it. While I’m pleased that they all liked to come here, and it was enjoyable for awhile, I just could never understand why anyone thought it was appropriate to just always come to my house, when they all have homes, and places that would accommodate the group once a month. No one asked if I wanted to do it agai

n, they just assumed. “See you at the next meeting” they’d say as they left. When COVID came we did the meetings on Zoom, but they were not the same. They lacked the social aspect. I know I allowed this to go on too long, til it was really grating at me. So I realize I had a part in being taken for granted by them. I had one of the members tell me that she “doesn’t do that, she and her husband don’t have people over.” I remember thinking “what makes you think that’s ok? To always go to someone else’s house and never invite anyone to your home?” This same friend asks me at least every week if she can come over and sit on my deck and talk. But never asks me to come to her house. Some of them said they could have it at their houses, but never offered when the time came.

Anyway, I don’t want to sit and cast aspersions on the members there. I just feel that I’ve drifted away, my interests have shifted and I want to spend more time on learning more about Reiki, about spiritual pursuits. In that vein a few newer friends and I have formed a spiritual book club like I had up north. We call ourselves the Soul Sisters. We’ve had two meetings so far. I’ve met new people who are much more aligned with my thinking, and support me in my endeavors in that vein. And we’ve already agreed that we will take turns hosting.

I feel relieved that I don’t have to cater to Hypatia any longer, which was how I’d begun to feel. I am hoping that perhaps I’ll get my writing mojo back a little bit.

So, things change, but they don’t. I am still friends with the women in Hypatia, but don’t feel the closeness I once did. My path and theirs have diverged, and I’m heading in a different direction, that’s all. I sent a group text to Hypatia, and only a few of them messaged me back. And those were most asking if I’d come to Sunday’s meeting. One of the other members is holding the meeting this month, since I didn’t offer. I had said in the text that I was taking the summer off, and would see them in the fall. Two of them responded with, “Will you come Sunday before you take the summer off?” Apparently didn’t read, or chose to ignore, my “see you in the fall” thing.

Whatever. I’m onto new things. I’m about to begin the Karuna Reiki training, another course which will teach me more about crystals, and a couple of other ones. I’m very excited about them all. I think they will add to my reiki practice.

Change is really the one constant in life, isn’t it? People come and go, interests change, we grow and evolve.

Love and light to all.

Summe Is Here, It Seems

Summer is going to come right on the heels of Memorial Day, it seems. For weeks the weather has been bright and sunny, and no rain, but low humidity. Perfect weather. And now, every day after tomorrow has a chance of rain. Not a big chance but 40%, and we do need the rain. But it will probably be too hot and sticky to sit out on the deck with a book.

Gosh, I sound gloomy and melancholy. But I am not really. Spring is such an awesome time here. While I read my Iowa friends posts, and a friend from upstate NY, on FB about how cold it’s been for the last couple of morning, with a freeze warning for this morning, I realize that it’s been a long spring here. Usually the hot sticky stuff would have started a couple of weeks ago. So….the rain will be good for my burned grass. And I won’t have to use so much water on my plants. And, I can’t forget that usually a day with a 40% chance of rain means that the sun will be out a good part of the day. So writing this has cast out the weather demons from my psyche.

Dan and I have been watching the NHL playoffs. Tampa Bay Lightning has made it to the 2nd round, they are the defending Stanley Cup Champions. I can only see the games at Dan’s because I don’t have regular TV, so I’ve been spending more time up there. Dan played hockey when he was young, and of course, I am the quintessential hockeymom, so we enjoy it. And Boston Bruins are advancing as well. They are our 2nd favorite team because we both followed them when we lived up north.

I’m making a pot roast which I’m going to turn into BBQ beef when it’s done, and take it to Dan’s for sandwiches for tomorrow’s game. Hope it turns out well!

We’ve stopped doing sound healing for the summer. It’s just too hot to load all the equipment into the truck, unpack it at the beach, play for an hour, repack the truck, and then unpack it at home again. I am admitting that at 70, I just can’t do that anymore in the summer heat, and besides, who wants to sit outside even in the evening when it’s so hot? The snowbirds have mostly left, and the crowd would be small anyway, maybe 20 people if we were lucky. I’ve been trying to garner some interest in private sound healings here in my house, and a few people have shown an interest. I would hope we could do a few a month here, and a few reiki sessions as well. I guess we’ll see. I am working on manifesting those things!

Yesterday I woke up feeling really good, energetic, wanting to get stuff done. I went to the gym to ride the bike there and had my best day ever. I increased the intensity from 2 to 3, and did 4.4 miles in 30 minutes, my best ever. I did get a lot done yesterday too. But last night I started crashing around dinner time, and was suddenly exhausted! Today…I’ve had a hard time waking up fully. My legs are tight from all that peddling, but don’t really hurt, so that’s a good thing. Really the only pht art of me that ever has much residual pain is my lower back, and I can’t even call it pain, just weakness that begins to hurt if I’m on my feet too long. Weird thing is that when I do reiki on someone, as I do it, my back hurts less, and I can stay up longer. But anyway, I’m skipping the gym today.

I feel like 70 is a real turning point for me. I just can’t do what I used to be able to do. Of course, living in a recliner for 9 months did not help. I will keep plugging away, and get back to my mile and a half to two mile walks. I’m happy that I can see that as a reality now.

Love and light to all.

Feels Good to be Engaged in Life Again

I’ve apparently been on an unplanned sabbatical from WordPress. But I’ve been very busy living. Life seems to be slowly making it’s return to normal, whatever that was, and whatever it will be. For 2 weeks now, we’ve been able to go to the grocery store and not have to wear a mask. I had no idea how freeing it would feel. And to make me feel even freer, I have been able to make short trips there under my own power, meaning I only use the electric carts if I have a lot of shopping to do, but for the short trips I can walk through the store and feel like a normal person. I so appreciate how people want to help me when I’m riding the electric cart, but I so prefer to just be an anonymous shopper. It is wonderful though, to be able to walk without pain. I try to go to the gym 4 or 5 days a week and ride the stationary bike for a half hour. It’s the only thing I can do. I tried the elliptical twice. I used to do it for a half hour, no problem. I have not gotten past 3 minutes on it, and am in pain for a day or two after, so I’m not trying it again for awhile.

I’ve finished the first 3 levels of Kundalini Reiki, which makes me a master, even though there are 6 more levels. I’ve been practicing performing it on a couple people who are friends, and a few people with whom I am acquainted, friendly, but not close friends. I’m doing it for free, and then get their feedback. It’s been remarkable. I told one friend that I sensed there was something going on with her throat chakra, and she instantly remarked, “Oh my throat! It’s sore all the time! I’m always sucking on cough drops.” And then her knee…when I remarked that I felt something was going on with her left knee she told me she hurt it playing pickleball. Of course then she had to explain pickle ball to me.

Everyone I’ve done it for has remarked how my hands start off nice and cool, but quite soon they are very very hot. By the end, I am so hot, I’m almost sweating. This is very normal when performing reiki. The energy we channel comes in through the crown chakra at the top of the head, and travels through my body, where it ends up mostly in my hands as I focus it on the different chakras.

I’d forgotten that happens. It’s a good indicator that I’m performing it correctly, and am channeling the reiki energy.

I’m getting the first of my cataracts removed on July 12. I am so excited. I should have done it a year ago, but I couldn’t walk into the dr. office, let alone sit on one of their chairs for over an hour. But my vision is pathetic now, and I can’t wait to be able to see well again.

I’ve also been reading a lot, voraciously. (The cataracts mainly affect my distance vision.) I think that is because the weather is so nice. I can sit out on the deck all afternoon. There’s usually a breeze coming in off the water. Gulfport is a tiny town, 3 ½ sq. miles, and about half of that is under water. It feels luxurious. A couple of my friends and I are going to start a book club like I had up north, reading only spiritual books. I’m really looking forward to it, as I’ve missed the group of girls that made up our club back in CT.

Today, in fact, I was alone, which was fine. But I was thinking about my BFF up there, who drove down here with me when I moved, and has come down with her husband to visit a few times. I realized how much I missed her, hanging out with her, reminiscing, etc. So, I called her to catch up with her, and we talked for almost 2 hours. It was so wonderful to feel that connection again, with someone who really knows me, someone who went through all the crap with me, and then all the good stuff. Her husband and Dan have become good friends. I remember the first night we stayed with them when I went back to visit. Her husband said if Dan turned out to be an ass he was gonna stay at his boat. And Dan said if her husband turned out to be an idiot, he’d just get a flight back to Florida. But they ended up staying up late, talking, laughing, and now are good friends. It was so good to talk to her. I know her whole family, sister, mother, kids…I miss them all.

Thank God for cell phones, and unlimited minutes.

I’ve also been at Dan’s a lot, to help him as he takes care of his mother, and his brother who was back in the hospital again. He’s home now, but he had pneumonia, sepsis and AFIB. He still requires help, and has a nurse and PT coming in daily. So I’ve just been doing stuff like helping pick up, and grocery shop, etc, trying to make Dan’s life a little easier while he cares for everyone else. I’m so glad that I don’t fall into that category any longer, I’m not one of the people he has to do stuff for. Instead, I am kind of like a respite at the moment, getting him out of the house and watching hockey games with him. It’s all good.

Well, it’s time to head for bed. I just wanted to write this, lest someone think I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. I hope all is well with everyone. Love and light to all.

A Little Stream of Consciousness

I realized today that I need to keep a pen and paper near me. I keep formulating sentences that could start a story, or a poem. I think I’ll remember them, but I don’t. So maybe if I keep a running list of them, I can write something meaningful.

I’m getting my new couch and loveseat tomorrow. My old one is sitting out in front of my house, waiting for the city to pick it up. I don’t tell anyone how it makes me feel to see it out there. In 4 pieces, cast off on the side of the road. I remember how it felt to pick it out, to buy it, to have it delivered to my dream house, and placed in the family room. I loved that couch, so did Bruce. Our old life, pre-divorce, included no nice furniture. Our house was furnished with my ex-in-laws 30 year old furniture from their condo in Boca Raton, before they built their home there. This couch, and my bedroom set, were chosen by me, and Bruce, and we loved that couch. The bedroom set, of course, was mine…he had no say in it, nor did he want any. But I released most of the attachment to that couch before Dan managed to get it out my front door and, flipping it end over end, set it on the street. I need the new couch and loveseat. It will allow us to both (Dan and I) sit in a recliner facing TV to watch it. I am very excited and happy about it. I know my things have way too much importance to me, but I guess that comes from a lifetime of never feeling anything was mine when I lived with his father. Tomorrow begins a new era.

It will enable me to do private sound healing in my home. And who knows what else? I’m thinking of a reiki healing circle, it would help to get my name out in that circle in Gulfport.

I’m sitting on the deck, sipping a glass of wine. I have not done that for ages, at least, not by myself. Today was a magical Florida day. It’s dry (for here, 42% humidity) and 80°which is my favorite temp. My air conditioning has been off since last night. As I sit here, I watch the mockingbirds flit around the trees, and I keep seeing butterflies, which seems to be perfect. I feel I’m at a transformational point in my life, with new furniture, which makes me laugh, but the way it will open up my life is perhaps transformational. We will see.

The geckos are tearing around the deck. There are some big ones now, maybe 4-5” from head to tip of the tail. At any given moment there are 3-6 of them running around my deck. If I venture down the two steps to my grill, a dozen or more may scatter in front of me. Everyone here loves them, they eat bugs, and are so harmless. They are cute. Ellena, my granddaughter, gave them all names last year. They were named by size, small, medium and large.

The wine I’m drinking, a Josh cabernet, is warming my insides.

I’ve found that the house next door is an AirBmB. That could come in handy if I have more than a couple friends come to visit. It’s literally 25’ from my house, so would just be an extension of my house.

The breeze is so light today, it’s lovely. There are Ibis in the empty lot next door, with their long beaks in the long grass, and oblivious to me stopping to observe them. I wonder why the mocking bird is Florida’s state bird, when we have such beautiful sea birds here. Ibis, Egret, Heron. Plentiful, everywhere you look. Even little sandpipers, when you are near the water, and seagulls, and some strange looking ducks.

I’ve been trying to get closer to one of my best friends from up north. She seems to be competing with me for something, I don’t know what or why. I inch closer and she says, “Oh I think we’ll be seeing more of each other…” And then the next day she is cold. Idk. I leave her alone when she gets like that but I feel bad, I miss her. We have always been close, we’ve been friends for almost 25 years, since our boys were in kindergarten together. When I first planned to move here, she said she would be here first, as soon as they could come. 5 years later, she has not been here.

I’m thinking of a girls weekend, well, maybe longer than a weekend, utilizing the house next door and having all the girls from up north that I have always been close to (including the aforementioned friend). I could host up to a half dozen of these friends between the two houses and it would be so much fun to hang out down here with these gals. They could meet my friends down here, I bet they’d all get along really well.

So this is really stream of consciousness today. It’s almost 6 PM and the sun is hanging low in the sky, yet I am loathe to go inside It is peaceful here this evening, even though I can hear cars on the main thoroughfare a couple of blocs down. The neighbor’s windchime is clanking away, and the butterflies are still flitting around. I hope Dan and I can go to the beach next week. Even at times where not everything is lined up the way I want, I still feel like I live in paradise.

Love and light to all.

Enter: My 70’s

It’s my birthday today. A big one…the 70. Suddenly I realize I’m leaving middle age, and becoming elderly. I’m not exactly happy about this one. In fact, I might be slightly depressed, though I am loathe to admit it. I don’t get depressed, that’s my mantra. Depression doesn’t happen to me.


I look at my sixties. They started with my divorce finally being final the day before my 60th birthday. It was a wonderful decade for me. With the finality of the divorce I had the money to buy my dream home, and lived there for 5 happy years with my son. Then at 65 I sold that house and moved here, to Florida. I retired, I am happy here, I have many friends here and a nice life.

Now as 70 begins, I am alone in my little house, and it is my son who starts this decade out, in a new home, 2000 miles away from me. I miss him terribly. The last year of my 60’s, 2020, was a hard one for all of us. It was hard for me because of the injury that kept me in dire pain all year, prevented me from walking and helped me gain weight, and kept me from losing that same weight because my mobility was so limited. It’s still fairly limited, though it’s better. I miss taking long walks. I miss going to the beach. I miss so many things that used to be just part of life.

I know….be grateful for what you do have. I am, I am. I went to my writers group meeting yesterday and my BFF here performed a one woman play that she wrote, and acted, and she was fabulous. She can really act. I feel honored that we are BFF’s. She is so creative she inspires me not to give a shit what others think, but do what makes me happy.

Trouble is, I don’t know today what that is.

I have an idea, but not one I can publish. I am working through it in my head. I’m trying to make sense of something that seems non-sensical, which is something I have done much of my life, and is now habitual, with my ex. I wanted my marriage to work out, so I made excuses, and didn’t trust my gut. I seem to fall into that pattern. Today, I guess I will accept and be happy about what I have. I mean otherwise, I’ll spend the day unhappy, trying to second guess myself, and where I’m at, and not trusting my gut or seeing anything with the clarity that I’m used to.

So what I guess I need to do is go to gratitude, and stop thinking about what could be, what I don’t know to be true. That’s a waste of more time.

I’m getting my new couch and loveseat on Friday. I’m so happy about that, and I say to myself, “See? You are so blessed to be able to buy them.” And yes I am, and I thank the powers that be for the stimulus checks that made it so much easier to do this. My 10 year old sectional was in terrible shape with broken sections. Once the new couch and loveseat are here, I will be able to do things in the house, like sound healing, and reiki, maybe even a reiki circle to broaden my sphere in that modality.

I’m embarrassed for anyone to see the old one, except good friends who have been here and watched the demise of my current sectional. I have to explain to new friends where they can sit and where they can’t. So the delivery of the new ones will be for much more than comfort and appearance. I will be able to have people come here for whatever reason and not be embarrassed by my broken-down couch, and know people can be comfortable as I (or Dan and I) perform private sound healings, or I host a healing circle, or whatever.

So there’s one thing.

Dan is taking me out to dinner tonight, and we’ll be going somewhere nice, and I’m happy about that. There’s a second thing. Though I’d enjoy it more if I hadn’t sat around for a year, unable to move and so putting on weight. Tonight though, I’ll let it go and try to enjoy the meal, and not feel guilty with every mouthful I chew.

I have a plan to change that. I have pretty much committed to myself that I’m going to a local gym tomorrow, and join since it’s free with silver sneakers. I want to go at least 4 times a week, and use the stationary bike and the elliptical to try to strengthen my hip and thigh more. My left leg still is weak, I cannot climb stairs normally yet. Going up stairs requires one at a time, so I can lead with my right leg. My left leg will not lift me up onto the next step. But I have accomplished going down normally so that’s progress, right?

After the soundbath last Monday it took me about 3 days to recover. My hip and lower back were very sore, because I walked about 2 ½ miles just loading and unloading the truck, then walking around the sound healing. Of course I wasn’t thinking about it while I was doing it, but when I got home and rested, I was in some pain. I thought, “You just have to work harder at getting strong.” And so…I HAVE to go to the gym, and work my legs out, and get my back stronger.

I’m grateful that I know what I have to do, and should be grateful for the opportunity and ability to go do it. But honest to God, I am so sick of that injury running my life. Yesterday at my BFF’s play I couldn’t stand with the other women and talk for long, I just had to sit down. I’m sick to death of having to think about that, and feel it. I just want to be normal. So…tomorrow I’ll start to work at it harder than I’ve been.

But I’m so grateful for that wonderful circle of friends. I’m grateful for so much. Just, right now, I have things I’m not so grateful for, or wish were different, and I’m not living in the present moment if I’m thinking about what I wish was different, am I? And I’m making myself responsible for things not in my control because I want things to be different. Which I know is stupid, but now I have to talk myself out of these thoughts. Meditate. Self-reiki. Play my gong.

Every time I type something, I realize a little more how fortunate I am. I guess I’m on the way.

The other night I updated my will, and POA, and living will. I figure I have 10-15 years left on this earth, and want to leave my son something. In particular, I don’t want to leave him a mess that will take ages in probate for him to deal with.

That ending bracket on my life is looming as I hit the 70 year old mark today. No longer a third, or even a quarter of my life left. Time to thin things out, to simplify things. Things, and sometimes people. Well, honestly, I can’t think of any people who are in my life that I don’t want there. So maybe I’ll just begin thinning things, leave my comfortable, close circle of friends as it is, a safe place for me to go. As is my family. I am so blessed to have my two sisters, and that all three of us love each other dearly.

I should probably get one of those books that try to teach us how to let go of things. Because all of my things have meaning to me, I love looking around and seeing them, they are of comfort to me.

I have heard it said to hold each thing, and see what you feel from it. Everything I have, almost, I can remember exactly where it came from, and what I was feeling. It is almost ALL post divorce, almost all from the last 10-15 years of my life. The 40 years before that very blurred by the trauma of living with a mentally ill husband. Blurred in the sense that every good memory from that marriage has a terrible one to counter-balance it. I’ve disassociated myself from that time in my life and now I can observe with the clarity of distance. I try not to remember how I felt all those years. I try to walk away from all the fear, and heartache those 40 years brought me.

I’m not trying to bury those emotions. I’m just trying to live now, in the present, grateful for what I have, and find a way to really live these last years of my life. Live, with some wild abandon. Surprise myself. Bring a smile to my own face, not wait for anyone to put one there. (Although, it would be a wonderful thing, to have someone want to make me smile….)

Thank you for bearing with me on this retrospective, introspective today. Love and light to all.

Sound Healing Was Great!

The sound healing at the beach went really well.

We had somewhere around 100 people. They were really spread out so we didn’t try to count them. People who came together, sat together, but all the groups were more than socially distanced, mostly more than 10’ apart. Many people wore masks as they approached but took them off once they got settled, which was fine, considering they were socially distanced, we were outdoors, no one is even talking during the soundbath, or singing, or shouting, and the only people walking around at all were Dan and I. Most people go into a pretty deep meditation. I think the risks were pretty low. The social distancing happened organically, as people know what they need to do, and there was plenty of room for people concerned about it to sit a long ways away from any group. I feel that by now, everyone knows what they have to do to be safe, and there was plenty of room to sit 20’ away from anyone else if someone was concerned about being too close to others.

It was a lovely night, an almost cloudless sky as the sun set, filling the sky with rose light. I stood up to thank everyone for coming, and welcome them back to the sound healing at the beach, and as I said that, they broke into applause! That’s never happened before. They did it at the end too!

We were somewhat afraid that the sound wouldn’t carry to the back of the crowd. But as I walked through the crowd with the rainstick, I could hear Dan playing the large gong quietly all the way to the back. Everything is so silent around us while we are playing that the sound easily carried down the beach. The only the sound that accompanied us was the slight breeze and the waves lapping the shore.

I felt it was our best sound healing at the beach, so far. I felt Dan and I were playing intuitively, with each other. We only had to glance at each other to know where we were at, and where we were going next. I absolutely love that feeling, that we can communicate without speaking. Just knowing.

After we finished people were lining up to talk to us. I had a line, Dan had a line. The responses to the soundbath ranged from “That was amazing!” to “I’ve never experienced anything like that before.” to “how long have you been doing this?” and everything in between. It was just so heartwarming, so wonderful to see and hear how much people liked it, and appreciated it, and that it helped them somehow.

I swear I was glowing when it was over. It just delighted me, to be surrouded so many kindred spirits. It was also wonderful to see many people I hadn’t seen in a year, and be able to hug them, because I knew they had been vaccinated, as had Dan and I. I realize there is always going to be some risk, and I won’t hug someone I don’t know. But good friends that are my age or older that I know have been vaccinated? It was wonderful to be able to hug them again.

The tip jar was full to the top, which was wonderful for us, for sure, because it’s a lot of work to load the truck with all our instruments, unload it from the truck at the beach, reload it at the end, bring it home and unload it again. So, my dream of making some money at something I am passionate about came true!

Even though we were finished by 8:30 or 8:45, we didn’t get back to my house until about 10, because so many people wanted to talk to us, and we still had to pack it all up again. At my house (a mile and a half away) we brought in what stays at my house, set it down and plopped down on the couch. It was already past my bedtime! Tuesday I was exhausted all day, but invited a friend over because emotionally I was so pumped that it went so well. She had come to the sound healing and also loved it, and she’s a good friend so didn’t mind me glowing about it, lol.

Love my life here. Feeling totally blessed. Love and light, everyone!

Picture take by me as we began.

How Did I Ever Get Here?

Feeling introspective today.

We have what I’m pretty sure will be our largest attended soundbath tonight. We now have just under 500 responses, 499 to be exact. I keep repeating it to myself, trying to absorb the fact that 500 people were at least interested. Over 60 have committed to coming, but I’m guessing we’ll beat last March’s record. I’ve been trying to figure out how to get people to sit closer to us, so that the back won’t be so far away. I’m afraid those in the back won’t be able to hear it. Even though, I realize that’s something I can’t control, and should just let it go. But I did buy 24 electric tea lights to make some luminaries to delineate to people how close they can get to us, because they always seem to start 20’-25’ feet back from us. Maybe that’s what they want. The luminaries will add atmostphere anyway….

Right now I’m sitting on my deck, just trying to enjoy this incredibly beautiful day. And thinking about how I got here, to this place, this small town in Florida and to be providing something a lot of people seem to like.

15 years ago I was in a miserable marriage with a man who had just gotten crazier over the years, alhough I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I just knew he was abusive of my son and me. It was about 15 years ago, when I’d been married for 30 years, and with him for many more, I knew I had to go, and made my plans. I rented a condo, and eventually, my son made his way to me. It took me 4 years to get fully divorced, and a Supreme Court decision, but once I got it I was able to buy my dream house for my son and me. We lived there for 5 happy, happy years until I craved being retired. That meant I had to sell the house where we were so happy, and move to Florida, where I could afford to retire.

I found the gong baths when I lived in the condo. I had a relationship or two. Thought I was crazy in love once. Turned out I was in crazy denial of all the ways that that relationship was so wrong for me. When I got down here, my ex-husband’s last frail, tenuous thread that connected him to reality broke, irretrievably. It was at that moment, I knew the other thing, the crazy-in-denial thing, had to be over as well, and I closed that door. Clarity through trauma.

Then, as the Universe does when you close the wrong door, Dan walked in the right door. He loves me, and I love him. There is no question. I have, since we met, questioned it, but that was only my fear of being mistreated again, of being abused. I surely didn’t want to set myself up yet again. He is steadfast and strong, holds me up when I need it. And lets me run when I need to do that. But I never run from him, at least not anymore.

He supports me in everything I do. Sound healing, reiki, writers group, having weekly sessions with my girlfriends as COVID raged. And then…there has been my health. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without him in the last year as I was reduced to living in a recliner, unable to walk, in constant pain. For literal months. The better part of a year. He cared for me so tenderly, and I know it was not easy for him. I know he was exhausted from the demands it made on him. But he stayed. He loved me without fail.

Now, here we are. I have learned to let go of any expectations. I have come to understand that I love him, that I want him in my life, that I would not be able to do any of this alone, without his backing. I try to live a life deserving of him.

So many life lessons. I wish I’d started learning them when I was younger. I am so envious of people who actually didn’t have to waste decades of their lives before they were free of the stuff that gets you stuck. But then….age is a number. Time is only the construct of a human, and doesn’t matter. I needed to learn so many lessons, and I think I have learned them. Because tonight I will be doing something that I am so passionate about and loving it. That 500 people here have expressed an interest just blows my mind, but really, it’s not about the numbers. It’s about my opportunity to share a gift with people, to perhaps help many people with their own healing. As the sun sets, as the waves lap the shore, as the new moon darkens the sky and perhaps people look forward, setting intentions to create the life they want, and crave. A life they love.

A friend asked if we could meet early and set some intentions. Dan and I go down early anyway, to set up, to test the sound, to set up my luminaries. But what I did differently for this sound healing was actually write an intention. I will set it out with our singing crystal bowls, with a large piece of amethyst. It says:

The vibrations created by these instruments

and those who play them are for the highest

good of everyone who can hear them, and for

the highest good of the planet.

Which means it will all be for all of you as well. Wishing you love, light and Good Vibrations.

Settling in to Happiness

It’s been thunderstorming since late morning. And that’s after it stormed last night, as soon as I got home from Dan’s. Normally I’d have stayed there last night, not just Friday, but my cataracts are so bad, I didn’t want to drive home in a thunderstorm, or the dark, or more storms today. So I came home early, stopped for gas, and 10 minutes after I got home the corner of my street was flooded from the downpour.

I have an appointment with the opthamologist Wednesday for the first consult on the cataracts. I am so hoping by the middle of May, or even any time in May, that I will be able to see well again. They said I’d just need my readers after surgery. I still have 5 or 6 pairs of readers laying around my house, so I am so looking forward to that. Maybe I’ll be able to read the info on the TV without getting up and walking over to i

We can always dream….

While it stormed today, which is really the first appreciable storm in months, I got most everything packed up for the sound healing tomorrow. Small portable tables, mallets, drums, tip jar, tingsha bells. I washed the gong and washed the little flumies, the small friction mallets that create sounds much like the whales make, although there are people who hear elephants trumpeting, not whale songs. Hey the sounds are whatever you perceive them to be, and the next time you hear them they might be something different. I also washed the singing crystal bowls, because I would guess they are a little dusty from sitting on the table for months. Actually weeks, since we just did a sound healing in March.

It was actually nice to have the whole day to do this. Usually I am rushing around the afternoon before we play, trying to get everything put together. Dan will pack the other two gongs in his truck and all the stands. Then when he comes over here we will pack my gong, the bowls, the drums and the bags I’ve packed, as well as the table for the singing bowls and chairs to sit in when we play. Then drive to the beach, unpack it all, play, then repack it and bring it home. Dan loves to play, but he hates having to haul the stuff around. He bought us a carry bag for all the gongs, and it will be especially nice for his big one, 40”, and it weighs about 60 lbs. The bag should help him. The other two gongs are smaller and not as heavy, but will still be easier to carry from the truck to where we set up with a bag.

I made myself some fish tacos for dinner tonight. They were so good! There’s a place in town down on the beach that makes really good ones, but….it’s raining. Not a good night to sit outdoors drinking wine and eating fish tacos! Later this week, some friends of ours host an open mic there, so maybe we’ll go and get a $4 taco! Tortilla, fish, coleslaw, cheese, and guacamole salsa. Never had them before I started coming down here to visit my sister before I moved here.

My son bought a house out in Colorado. I’m very happy for him, and proud of him. But I’ve had to subdue the emotions I have around it, at least when I’m talking to him. Owning a home means he won’t be packing up and moving here without a lot of planning. That has always been an option…though kind of a distant one. The other emotion I have is that it’s the first really big milestone in his life I’ve not been there to share with him. But….it’s a move he needed to make without me. So….I”ve settled in to just being happy for him.

Here’s to thunderstorms, and sound healing at the beach as the sun sets, getting rid of cataracts, eating fish tacos, and new homes. Life continues flowing merrily along.

Love and light to all.