Tasting the Apples

 Found this on my phone, saved long ago.  But….yeah. Taste those apples. Live. 

From Anger to Hurt

This poster is about how it was.  He knew, he didn’t feel it, and he didn’t care.  It had no impact on him at all. He still wanted what he wanted, the effect on me of that was inconsequential in his mind.

Anger has subdued this morning, and turned to a visceral pain. I didn’t sleep well, I was too angry yesterday, and had a hard time calming my psyche for sleep, even though I was also exhausted, after leaving the house at 8, and getting home at 8.  Going to be a long day today.

I don’t understand how a seemingly fairly enlightened man can treat someone the way he treated me. How he could push his agenda, knowing it caused me pain, knowing I didn’t want what he wanted.  I tried and tried to end it in a way we could stay friends, telling him we just wanted different things.  And in the end, he still was trying to come here for the night, even though in the next breath he said he just wanted to be free.  How does he reconcile those two actions?  I have no idea.

He says he has loved women and been hurt by them all.  I wonder….did he treat them all as objects to use for his own gratification?  I have no idea.  He didn’t love me, i knew that.  But I thought he cared about me.  I can’t imagine asking someone to give themselves to you when you know they adore you, and then saying, well it’s nice but I want to be free. That’s caring??  Not in my book.

I feel stupid, then I say, at least I know I can love. At least I know I can feel.  At least I know I am capable of empathy.  I gave myself to him in love.

All winter we would spend the day together, go to breakfast, he would take me places, we would laugh, we’d come back, take a nap, we’d have fun. Then suddenly he stopped, he no longer wanted to do anything.  At first he said he was busy getting his yard in shape in the spring.  But he just stopped cold, anything except “a nice afternoon” or a “Nice night” together. My dreams of summer, that he knew I had, just slipped away.  He was oblivious.  I tried to end it, he pulled me back. Why?

Did it fill his ego to have an adoring woman in the background?  I suppose. He was unconscionable to ask of me what he asked. He knew I was incapable of enjoying that. But I allowed it, a few times, because I missed him.  Finally in the end, I knew the pain I would feel if I allowed it would offset any pleasure it gave me, times10.

It’s over.  I’m sitting with my sadness, and hurt.  By tonight I would expect I will be on a much more even keel, or at least by tomorrow. I am glad I stood my ground, I am happy that I left myself with a shred of dignity.

Onward, as Liz Gilbert says all the time.  Putting one foot in front of the other, making tentative, but real,forward movement.

Thoughts on a Summer Morning

If it doesn't open

I had plans to go to the ocean today.  I was going to go very early, and watch the water world awaken.  I even had my bag packed with a towel, sunscreen and a book.  I was going by myself, to renew my spirit after last week.

But my body had different ideas.  I woke in the night with a terrible stomach ache, and it took me some time to get back to sleep.  I ended up sleeping past the time I had wanted to be sitting at the water’s edge, on this blue blue morning.  Now if I go, I will sit in traffic, there will be a line to get in, and the beach will be crowded. So I stayed home.  Another day, another time.

I had planned to be there at about 7:30, and come home around noon.  Because I have a lot to do at home since I will be gone next weekend, to visit an old and treasured friend in the Adirondack’s of NY.  She and I have been friends since we were 12.  We grew up in the midwest, it is a blessing to have an old close friend 4 hours away.

I feel peaceful this morning.  Full of gratitude on this lovely perfect summer morning.  Sitting on my deck, overlooking the trees that border my yard, smelling the lavender that grows at the bottom of the few steps to my deck.  There is peace here.

There is no more angst or anger over S.  The whole relationship is receding, quickly.  It hasn’t been there, in reality, in months, so I’m finding it slides away easily, after the first 12 hours.  It was a dream I had, and now I have a new one.  It’s as simple as that.  I’ve had lots of dreams in my life, some worked out, some didn’t.  The ones that did renewed my faith, the ones that didn’t taught me a lesson, so that when I choose a new dream, I am smarter, wiser. I saw the poster at the top of this blog on FB today, and thought, yes, I should have stopped trying to open that door a long time ago.  As should he.have.

I have to say he was honest, though.  He wrote the poem below a few weeks ago.  Even though he was still trying to have sex with me.  His world is different from mine.  That kind of thing happens between friends, or even strangers,  in his world, when there is nothing else going on.  For me, it is a celebration of connection, I could never lower it to a status of a physical need, fulfilled by anyone who was willing.  His honest assessment of where we were weeks ago was that we were like night and day, and would never be together.  I find that so sad, and empty.  Not the way I want to live my life.  But apparently, he is content this way.  By himself, invulnerable to pain, but also to joy.  To me not to feel would be the saddest thing.  If I hurt, thank God I am capable of hurting, of loving, of desiring.  Any other way of living is like being dead already.  Death will come soon enough.

And So I Am

I’m still angry this morning.  At hm for continuing to push his agenda that I clearly stated I didn’t want. For months I have stated it. For months he has continued.  The last time he came to me with the understanding that we’d spend the day together.  And then he changed his mind in the morning, and left me.   Disrespect.  Selfishness.  Egocentric.  UGH.

I’m angry at myself, for continuing to offer him my whole self, when it clearly was not wanted or appreciated.  For not walking away for good.  Oh I walked, many times, and when he’d pull me back, I’d willingly go, like some hypnotized zombie.  That’s not who I am.

I wrote just yesterday, that if I’m gonna miss him then let me miss him and get over it and move on, or have the longing fulfilled.  I will, without a doubt, get over it and move on.  Because that’s what I do.  I don’t waste a lot of time grieving over what never could be.  I’ll give it all I have, to make it work.  Once I come to terms with the reality that it will never work, I’ll walk and never look back.  I’m about 100 miles away now, with a lot more walking in front of me, and the view is lovely,.

I sent him a text last night, telling him not to try to reach me.  To find a hooker if he’s horny (because that way he can have sex with no attachment).  Then I blocked him, just to make sure I wasn’t disturbed.

Maybe he won’t try.  I hope.  I  hope he goes off and does his “being free” thing.  That’s what I’m gong to do.  Be free until I find someone who wants what I have to offer, and offers what I want to have.  I know he’s out there somewhere.

Just to prove my point, I got a text from A yesterday, who is staying in the Michigan UP, and has very erratic phone service.  He said, “I miss wishing you good morning and good night every day.  It’s just such a nice way to start and end a day.”

WTF was I doing, attaching myself to someone who is incapable of a thought like that?

This is how I sit with my anger.  I write about it, and then it disappears.  Ok, vent over for now.  I may have one or two more as I continue my walk, but eventually, I’ll be back in that happy place all the time.

Closing That Door

I swear, next time I want to believe that maybe S cares for me, I hope someone slaps me upside the head.  Hard.  All week, and particularly today, based on our flirty conversations via text, I thought we were gonna spend some real time together this weekend.  Flirty, intimate conversation.

I thought, because he had asked me if I had plans for this evening, followed by a big smiley face, that I’d see him tonight and tomorrow.  Why?  Because I have told him, unequivocally, that I don’t want want to be together for the just the night.  If he doesn’t want to spend the day with me like he did all winter, don’t bother.

Well, I heard from him at 2:30, kept waiting for directives about tonight/this weekend, because when I make plans he tells me I am pushing.  I didn’t hear from him again until about 7:30.  5 hours, I was waiting to figure out what I am doing this weekend.  He’s been so sick, but he felt well enough to go to a car show.  A car show.  He said he wanted to test how he felt walking around.  See if he got dizzy, and nauseous   Bullshit.  He wanted to go to the car show.  And I wasn’t important enough in his life for him to tell me. He knew I’d be sitting there waiting, like some fucking fool.  Must have had a good laugh at my expense.  Filled that empty space called an ego right up with my fucking adoration.

He said, when I heard from him at 7:30, that he wanted to drive up here to talk, but that even if he ended up spending the night, he’d leave in the morning.  I told him don’t bother.  Not interested in sleeping with someone who doesn’t want to spend any other time with me.

All fucking winter I dreamed about going to the beach with him, spending a great day, coming home, spending a lovely night with him.  All fucking winter.  It’s August.  Hasn’t happened yet.

Saturday he has stuff to do.  Oh and like that’s special.  No one who owns a house and works has anything to do on the weekend.  No just S, he’s so special. Sunday he likes to keep for “himself”.  So guess what?  He can’t fit me into his busy life.  Well, guess what else, I could, fit him in.  But I no longer want to.  I’ll find someone who has time for me outside of the bedroom.  Feel like a stupid idiotic teenager who bought a bunch of empty promises in exchange for her virginity.

Cut me to the chase.  Blindsided.  Broken.  Bruised. Beat.  How many times do I have to repeat myself?  It’s not what I want. If you don’t want a relationship with me that involves doing things together, spending time together not in bed,I’m not your woman.  Geezus.  I am so sick of allowing myself to get sucked in again.  I’m an idiot.

He told me the reason he doesn’t want to be in a relationship is not because he doesn’t want to be with me but that he wants to be free.  Then GO.  Be free S.  That doesn’t mean having me in the background to deal with you when you’re horny. You need to get laid? Go find a prison whore.

Be free.  I’ll be free.  I’ll find someone who wants me, for me, who wants to love me, who loves what I have to offer.  Who won’t take someone’s precious love for them and treat it like it’s a hamburger from MickeyD’s.

Be free.  Be dark.  Be whatever the fuck you want S.  But you won’t be in my heart.  Not any more.  I’m gonna somehow forget I loved you, and wanted to be part of your life.  And I won’t look back.

The psychic told me when I close the wrong doors, the right ones will open.  I’m all about closing the doors.  The S door is now officially closed.