Yesterday I spent an anxious almost hour trying to get a vaccine appointment. We had to wait until 3 PM to get into the site. My county had 10,000 doses to give away. Not much considering there are 232,000 citizens of this county over 65. This is the 2^nd time we have been given a time to go online and try to get an appointment for one of these very hard to come by vaccines. The first time I couldn’t even get into the site. Yesterday I got in, finally, got to a page where they listed available appointments, and tried 10 or 20 times to get one of them. Each time I got a message saying that appointment was no longer available so pick another time. Which I did over and over until I got a message saying there were no more appointments available in my county.

Dan managed to draw the attention of the universe, I guess, and he got an appointment, and pretty quickly too. Which is good, because once vaccinated he won’t be so worried about giving it to his 94 year old mother.

Around dinner time, Dan called me (because I am quarantining yet again pending the result of a covid test I took Wed because I’d been feeling crappy for a week) and told me about a new website he’d just heard of on TV I think (myvaccine.fl.gov). Anyway you go to it, fill out a short registration form and you are then “In Line” for the next round of available vaccinations. So of course, I did it immediately, and since I’m not seeing a lot of publicity about this site, I don’t think too many people know about it, so maybe I have a chance.

My question, though, is why our esteemed (HAHAHA) governor, a tRumpophile of the first degree, did not start a list like this 2 months ago. Or a month ago. Or anytime before now. Seems absurd to have to constantly refresh your page because you can’t connect, over and over for 45 min or so. Let’s face it, the site we’ve all been using is difficult to navigate, and especially when maybe 200,000 people are trying to get one of 10,000 shots. It’s especially, I’m guessing, hard for seniors, because we often have lost (or never really had) computer skills. I like to think mine are pretty good, having worked on a computer for years, and being online a lot, writing and reading. But if I were 10 years older? It would probably be a chore. It blows my mind to look at the inefficient way our government works, and to have a governor who has no idea how to deal with this, and who I’m not sure could figure his way out of a paper bag. This all should have been set up long ago, knowing that vaccines would be coming soon.

Enough of my rant. Hoping I get the results of the COVID test today. I’m pretty sure I don’t have it because I’ve felt fine for that last couple of days.

Hope you all stay safe and healthy. Love and light to all.

The day after the inauguration my small group of friends who meet every week on my deck or in my back yard came over, and we talked a lot about our feelings and emotions when Joe became the President, and the ceremony, etc. We were all rejoicing that we actually had a president again, finally. By the people, for the people, of the people. And well we should have been, rejoicing as we all raised a glass of champagne to President Joe Biden and Vice-President Kamala Harris. It was seriously a joyous occasion.

The biggest, and most prevalent emotion that we felt was, I believe, relief. We all felt like we were coming off of a period in which we were always tense, slightly fearful, never knowing from where we would get blindsided again. Every morning I would wake, and just check my Apple News on my phone, just to make sure the headlines were not that 45 had gotten us into a war or some other horrible thing as we slept. There were often those jaw-droppers that came with his middle-of-the-night tweets, as he governed using them. Such a typical bully he was, pumping people up to hate and spread fear, and then hiding, coming out only on Twitter, unable to actually fact the people he was affecting.

But he’s gone, as are those damned tweets, and his annoying antics. For the last 4 days I have awakened and not felt the need to check my phone at all, not reading the news at all until I have a nice hot cup of coffee in my hand, and not even then do I read it. I skim the headlines, reading what interests me, but not having any of that fear at all. Yes, relief.

I actually feel a little PTSD from those 4 years, but it mixes with what I already have from a long abusive marriage, so I’m not really blaming anyone. Just saying I have not quite stopped wincing when the minions of his make enough noise that someone writes about them, but the fear of something absolutely asinine happening while we slept and weren’t paying attention is floating away, going down river, and dissipating into the vast sea and sky.

Yes, we are relieved, first I think. And because we recognized the relief President Biden has given us, we are joyous. I hope we can remain that way for the next 4 years.

Love and light to all.

I am so tired.
Tired of waiting
Tired of hurting
Tired of being alone.

Longing for your love
Your never-ending, unconditional love.
Why do I feel like it’s absent from my life?
Why do I feel so alone all the time?
Why can’t you tell me you love me anymore?
Why do I have this ache in my heart,
An ache that feels like a hole that is waiting for your love.
Or someone’s.

Realizing that I don’t appreciate your beliefs,
(Nor you mine.)
Realizing that it’s not my responsibility
To convince you to love yourself.
I know that if you don’t
Love yourself,
You can never love me.

I can’t save you.
I can always love you.
I can wish the best for you.
I can do all of this
From a distance
That softens the blow

Of me believing you can love me
Of me realizing you cannot.
Allowing myself to open the door
To the love that is waiting somewhere for me.
Right now.
Walking toward me.
Because you are not,
Walking in my direction.
Nor me in yours.

I awakened this morning, and literally the first thought I had was that Trump would be gone today. Never again to have to listen to his lies and assorted ridiculous crap spewed out of a mind that is clearly sick.

It’s funny how Dan used to tell me to stop comparing him to my ex, because he just thought it was disrespectful of the office. But that was when we just started dating, and maybe I did do it too much. But the similarities in the personality type of the two men was so similar, that I just couldn’t help it. But for the last year, he has stopped telling me that. He has been convinced that Trump is mentally ill, especially post election of our new President. Every time Trump did or said something ridiculous, mean, ill-tempered, or whatever I could site a similar action from my ex. Of course my ex is powerless and his delusions can’t hurt anyone, now that he’s a ward of the state. But it was the same mindset. Dan now realizes that I knew what I was talking about.

So today is a gorgeous morning in Florida, fitting for Joe Biden’s inauguration. Not a cloud in the sky and weather forecasters are predicting themps in the low 70’s. I’m happy and grateful for that. Usually in Florida we will get the odd day that is cold, but for the last maybe 6 weeks, the odd days have hit 70, it’s been so cold here. So I’m happy to be able to open the windows and let in the fresh air, figuratively and tangibly. I hope the stench of the last 4 years ugliness will fade quickly.

I loved that Joe Biden started off his inauguration ceremonies with a memorial to the 400,000 lost to Covid. I didn’t know it was going to happen, and missed it live, but have seen bits of it, enough to be so grateful that a loving empathetic man now holds the reins of our government. Or will in a few hours.

I pray that everyone is safe today.

I hope you are all safe, and healthy. Love and light to all.

I wonder how many people still feel like I do, 6 days after the insurrection at the Capitol. That is, a little shaky. As if I’ve been under threat of an assault personally and got away with out being punched in the face, despite the fact I felt sure I was going to be. Insecure, anxious, wondering where the next assault will come from. Like I was thrust into an alternate universe and can’t get my bearings because everything is upside down.

I spent the last few days with Daniel. I’m glad I did, because Wednesday’s actions are all anyone is talking about, and at least I had someone to talk to. He calms me. He is capable of a broader perspective than I have. The whole thing, as I said on my last post, terrified me, horrified me. I don’t know how long it will take to calm down from what I watched moment by moment on TV. There are times when I want him to be as upset as I am, but thankfully he isn’t, and I can lean on him.

I came home today because I had stuff to do. I went on the deck for awhile, because it was sunny and 72° when I got out there, and felt wonderful. It’s been so cold here, cold for Florida anyway. Yesterday we didn’t get out of the mid 50’s. Brrrr.

I was reading, then went on FB for supposedly a few moments. Turned out to be much longer because the local Tampa NBC affiliate was broadcasting the arraignment of the asshole who stole Nancy Pelosi’s lecturn. This took place at the Federal Courthouse in my county, Pinellas. It overjoyed me to see him in handcuffs.

Maybe Ill be able to let it go when all the ring-leaders are locked up in federal prison and silenced on social media. So so happy that trumps accounts are all shut down. I don’t understand why they made the next court date for this insurrectionist in DC, the day before the inauguration. If he decides to detour to a demonstration and gets caught, he will face an additional 10 years in prison, on top of whatever he will get for the charges filed, which are, I think, unlawful entry, stealing from the Capitol (that’s not the legal terminology but that’s what it covers) and disorderly conduct. They did not say what the punishment for those charges could be. They sound simple, like he might be able to plea-bargain them normally, but I think they are way more serious in federal court. But honestly I don’t know.

I just read that in state crimes you have to serve 50% of your sentence, but in Federal it is 85%. If I felt like reading a hugely long document that discusses sentencing on federal crimes I’d know how much time this creepy person was expected to get. I guess that’s a post for another day.

That’s it for today. Still trying to stop this crap from rolling around my brain. I guess I should think about the new couch and loveseat I ordered yesterday morning. I’m quite excited! Put that stimulus $ to good use (along with a substantial amount of my own $$. Which is mostly money I’ve saved by not being able to go anywhere for months. I really needed it. The old one has seen it’s best days long ago.

Love and light, my friends.

Hard to describe these emotions tonight, but I’m here because I’m gonna try.

Woke up to the news that Warnock won in GA. GOOD NEWS! Good way to start the day. That’s what I thought.

At about 12:30 I turned on the TV, which I generally never do in the daytime. But I had a voyeuristic attitude and wanted to see what would transpire with all the stupid objections in the Congress today. I. texted a couple people saying “Never ever thought I’d be agreeing with Mitch.” He said what I wanted to hear, though I would have liked to hear it at the end of November. Better late than never. My dislike of him softened just a hair. Because I know he was a major player in what happened today.

So I was watching the Senator from OK, who seemed to be doing his best to walk the Trump fault-lines, when he was stopped mid sentence, and we began to see the chambers evacuated and wondered what was going on. I was watching CBS news, because I don’t have regular TV and it was the first live news feed I found. CBS went immediately to that live feed showing what was happening.

I watched the events unfold, with a growing sick ball in the pit of my stomach. It just horrified me. Sickened me. Then it broke my heart, when I realized I wasn’t watching some third world country, but was watching thugs, Trump thugs, lay seige to our capitol, one of the bastions of liberty, known throughout the world as that. Or was.

“This is my country!” I said to my son when he called. “I’m almost 70 years old, and I never ever in my lifetime thought this could happen, except in the movies.” I know my voice was shaky.

All my life part of my solid foundation was the country I lived in. I know I have a lot of readers from other countries, I mean no disrespect of any of those countries. I’m sure you love your country as I do mine. I was one of those people who thought I lived in a great country. My country has done many things wrong, it does a lot of things I can’t agree with. But I always felt safe, it seemed to be a strong country basically full of loving kind people.

So I sat in astonishment watching people scale the walls, heard the gunshots, saw the houses of Congress evacuated, listened as the thugs tried to break down the doors, and I kept asking myself what country was this. When the cognitive dissonance cleared from my mind, I just wanted to cry. I did, actually.

In the midst of that chaos we hear that Ossoff also won in GA. And now the balance of power has really, honestly, tilted, and the Democrats will run the show. I hope stuff just flies through Congress these next four years. So much needs to be undone from the last four years, and so much to be done on Joe Biden’s agenda.

At the end of the day, democracy won. The capitol was cleared, all the the lawns and streets cleared, curfew set. And Congress went back to work, and is currently finishing what it started today. Democracy prevailed. The insurrection, which it is correctly being called by many including Biden, McConnell, and others, served only to delay it a few hours. I feel once again, that I live in a strong country, that my foundation has been restored by the fact that the horrifying acts we saw were so quickly subdued.

I kept hearing comparisons to BLM protests. BLM did NOT attack out capitol. They held free, and legal protests in legal places. And were met by rubber bullets and tear gas. Yes, some riff-raff and scum came in and used the opportunity to burn and loot. But these were not protesters today. They were thugs, and rioters, doing the bidding of a mad man who is a bully, but wants others to do his dirty work. It makes me sick. They drank the koolaid. Jim Jones aka Donald Trump fed it to them.

But the republic endured, we quickly made it through this assault on our country.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up to find that the 25^th amendment has been invoked. It would be another good start to a day.

Love, light and a peaceful night wished for us all.

Days 5, 6, 7

The days are definitely running into each other. Was it just yesterday that I was greeting everyone with Happy New Year? I guess it was. Let me think…

I wanted to stay up til midnight and do this Irish custom, despite the fact that I have very little Irish blood, that involves opening the front and back doors of the house and letting (in this case shoving hard) the old year out the back door and letting the new year in the front. So I struggled to stay awake til midnight, because if there was EVER a year I wanted to push out the door, down the stairs, and off the nearest cliff, it was 2020. I wanted to usher its muddy, pea soup colored energy out the back door, yelling “Good riddance, mutha f**ker”. You get the idea.

I mean seriously. I started out 2020 sick as a dog after a December cruise, that was in itself the cruise from hell. But that was the end of 2019 and is not included here, in my list of shit 2020 brought my way. So technically, I got sick in 2019. But it lasted til the end of January 2020, so it counts. At least in my book. Then February was the only good month, and that was because my son and his family came to visit. By the time of the shutdown, my back/hip/leg had materialized and the rest is history with that, on top of the shutdown. On top of worrying constantly about simple tasks like getting groceries, and not seeing your friends ever. Which is ongoing and sucks as much today as it did 9 months ago.

Then there was spinal surgery which I’m still going to PT for. But then, therein lies one of the bright spots. I mean, being able to walk at all is certainly an improvement, I guess. Then we won’t even talk about he who shall not be named and all the incredibly insensitive stupid shit he tried to get away with….UGH.

So suffice to say, I wanted to make sure 2020 was over, done…not that I could stop time or advance it at hyper speed. It’s over….Thank God. The question is will this year be any better?

The answer is YES. It will be. For me, I can walk again. I mean, I went to the grocery store yesterday, parked about half way down the parking lot. Walked up to the store, realized I didn’t have my mask, and walked back to the car, and back to the store again. AND IT DIDN’T HURT ME AT ALL. I went into the store, with mask, and bought myself a couple of lobster tails, small ones, for my solitary New Year’s Eve dinner. So already, the new year is better. And we will be rid of the toddler in the WH, so that’s a huge improvement. And the vaccine will get to us all eventually, though I expect to stay in a semi-quarantine state until I do.

So yes, there’s hope. It might, will, take some time to manifest/ And more crap may flow in and flow out. We will just have to deal with it. Not fight it, but watch it come and watch it go. At least, try to.

So back to the beginning of this post, I did not make it to midnight. I did not open both doors at midnight. I left a front and back window open in my house, called Dan to say goodnight, and told him 2020 was going to have to squish it’s own fat butt out the window. Fireworks were assisting 2020 to get blown to the other side of the universe til about 2 AM.

I think it’s gone. And right now, all is well into 2021. It’s only 1 day, but it is 1 day.

Love and light to all.

Days 3 and 4.

Well….let’s see. What to write about, when I am stuck in my house and yard for days, with no visitors. Not so different than any other week, lol.

I have been on the phone an inordinate amount lately. Mostly texting, but some calls. A group chat with my Iowa girls. An ongoing text chat with my Wednesdames group. Conversations with both my sisters. Yesterday and today, it took at least 3 hours out of my day.

I put together a grocery order for delivery and got it yesterday. I ordered a bunch of stuff I needed to make this soup I like, and haven’t made in a long time, Spicy Thai Coconut Chicken Soup. So good. I made it last night. Had it again tonight!

Yesterday I made an appointment for a COVID test this morning. I was able to do it myself, at the drive-up pharmacy at Walgreens. I think I’ll get the results tomorrow. It was simple and quick. I sat outside on the deck and read, at least until I got on the phone. After lunch I trimmed the dead leaves off of my ginormous Peace Lily. It doesn’t like the cold we have had for the last 10 days, in the 40’s at night and many days in the 50’s all day. Maybe I was able to save it, but we’ll see. Today was a perfect day, in the 70’s this afternoon. After I was done with the plant I read for awhile, and fell asleep outside, til Dan called. It was just so nice.

Tonight I watched this great documentary on Netflix titled “Echoes in the Canyon.” It is all about music, of the 60’s and 70[‘s, kind of starting with the Beatles but more about all the great bands after them, who were influenced by them. But also who they influenced, like the Byrds, Buffalo Springfield, The Beach Boys, and interviews with Tom Petty, Eric Clapton, David Crosby, Stephen Stills, Neil Young…I could go on and on. They were the giants of my day, the sound track for an entire generation. If you remember those days, check it out. It was amazing.

So that was the end, now I’m watching TV and kind of wondering what I’ll do tomorrow, here alone. Gotta think of something good I can make for New Year’s dinner, you know to usher out 2020 and greet 2021 with as much enthusiasm as I can, despite me not trusting it to be a huge improvement over 2020. Although I can walk now, so it should start out better, just for that fact. And I started out last 2020 so sick, with what I think might have been COVID even last December and January. I was really sick for like 3 weeks, and still coughing for 3 more. Classic symptoms, but it wasn’t officially in the country then, though now they are saying it was here long before they realized it then.

Whatever. I hope for a better year in 2021. For all of us.

Love and light to all, on this Eve of New Year’s Eve.

COVID-19 Quarantine, Day 2

I went to sleep last night at 10:30, and woke up at 7 AM. Didn’t even get up to go to the bathroom. I was wiped out, from the holidays, from cooking, and lastly and mostly because of Dan’s brother’s diagnosis. Haven’t slept like that in a long long time. Like maybe a couple of decades!

I picked up my phone when I got up and there was a text from one of my BFF’s up north, asking to chat sometime today. I went to the bathroom, came back and there was another text from another of my BFF’s from CT, saying she was sending prayers for all of us here. What a nice way to wake up!

During the course of my day, I spoke to both of them, as well as my BFF here, as well as my Wednesday’s Girls, and my Iowa girls, my son, and his girlfriend both called me. I was on the phone all day!

Dan’s brother was unaware until today that he had COVID. He didn’t believe Dan when he told him, so Dan told him to ask a nurse. He did, called Dan back and said “OH SHIT! I DO HAVE IT!” He seemed to be in decent spirits, and while he’s on supplemental oxygen, he’s not intubated. So far, so good I guess.

Besides talking on the phone all day, I made homemade ginger biscotti. They came out really good! So, I managed to keep busy today, aided by the concern of people I love. I’m watching a show on Prime entitled The Healing Field, Exploring energy and Consciousness Expanded. Very interesting listening to scientists provide scientific basis to alternative therapies, and how positive thoughts, consciousness affect our total health. It’s so interesting! It’s a great way to end my first full day of these 14 days of solitude.

Love and light everyone.

This afternoon Dan’s brother went to the hospital by ambulance with COVID. Writing this will be therapy for me, a way to keep myself sane. I will be isolating, alone, for the next couple weeks.

Covid-19 isolation, Day One.

I don’t have it. At least, I don’t think I do. But his brother has it. He’s in the hospital. I saw him twice over the holidays, once on Christmas Eve day, another one on Christmas. I didn’t get close to him. I’m pretty sure I was never closer than 6’ at least, but didn’t have on a mask. Dan has been close to him every single day for weeks, at his house, which was completely ripped apart inside because of mold, helping him. So Dan is the main worry, and I don’t know what his Mom will do with him isolating. He can’t go near her and I know he’s stressed about it.

So…I’m going to try to find a test tomorrow. I’ve been taking my temp and it is not elevated. I have a headache. I think it’s stress. I came home from Dan’s after a wonderful holiday. It seemed weird here. I made sure all my laundry was done, and the kitchen cleaned up so I wouldn’t walk into a mess a few days later. But what happened was I walked around and around the house, and outside, and didn’t know what to do.

I walked outside, but it was too cold on the deck to sit out there and read. I gathered my drawing pencils, and pad, and watercolor pencils and sat at the table. I called my little sister. Dan called, I talked to him and called her back. He called me again, nothing important. He was looking for a password for his wifi. But then when I was talking to my older sister, he called back again, to tell me about his brother Tom. I think that’s when my head started pounding.

I made dinner, and sat down, then got up. I decided to take my temp.97.4. No fever. Headache is going away since I ate. I am very tired tonight. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’m about to lay down on the couch. Tomorrow I will call my doctor, and get her help in figuring out what to do, like where to get a test. If I don’t have it, then I can go up and help Dan with his mother. I have to cancel my PT appointments for this week and next. I’ll keep taking my temp. I’ll pay attention to how I feel, and try to notice any changes.

Am I scared? Shit yes. As scared as I’ve been about this, since it started. But then, I had my hip/leg/back problem, and so much pain I didn’t give it a whole lot of my mind. I’m so glad I can get around without Dan now, glad I can take care of my life myself, and not give him one more thing to worry about. I’m actually glad his brother is in the hospital because Dan won’t have to take care of him. And because his brother’s health is not good anyway, and he will be getting the best care possible. They couldn’t take him at the first 2 hospitals he wanted to go to, they were full of COVID patients.

It’s a shame what has happened in this country with this virus. A complete lack of leadership at a time when we needed it more than we ever have. I feel so bad for all the people laid off whose benefits are expiring while 45 plays golf and bitches about his wife not getting any magazine covers while she was first lady. Well, I can’t get wrapped up in that now. I have to stay in the present moment, and try to stay healthy. Which precludes allowing any anger to at people in power who don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves.

Love and light. Stay home, stay safe.