Benediction for S

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m tired tonight.  Been working like a dog on stuff at home.  Went to a friends house for the afternoon, and talked and laughed.  At the end of the day, when I’m this tired…these thoughts come into my head.  So….I put them here, to put them out of my heart and into the universe, to atone as it sees fit.  I miss him still, sometimes……til I remember.  And then I have to let go a little more.  So here it is, a benediction, an ending, a wrapping up.  Maybe it will be enough.

Benediction for S

And so, where did you go?
To the chapel, to pray?
The chapel by the water
That was your home for so long?
And mine….I know those waters
Like I knew the way to your house.

Did you think about the heart you crushed,
the hearts?
I wonder which one cried more
Mine or hers?
You never even asked me if I was ok.
You didn’t care.
You cut another little piece of my heart out,
Just like Janis Joplin says.
You never even looked back to see if I got up,
If I lived or died.

Maybe it was your heart that cried the most.

Every once in awhile I wonder
If you’re okay
If you’re drinking too much
Smoking too much
If you stayed quit as you were when you disappeared.
If the full moon made you cry,
If the mimosa tree is blooming.
If you miss nights on the deck talking
Laughing
Loving.
If you miss me, at all.

I just wonder, sometimes.

Then I remember
Your coldness
Your disregard and disrespect
of what we had.
I remember how you belittled and berated
Something that was wonderful between us,
To her,
To quell her jealousy.
To make her feel more important than me.
Even though, she couldn’t.
Or wouldn’t.
And I could. And I did.
The jealousy ran deep with her.
But not the love.
Even if she does now,
Her motivation was jealousy of me
Not love of you.

You thought jealousy was love.
Your mistake.
Not mine.

I remember all of this.
And it makes me sad
And it makes me hurt
All over again.

So I stop.
I just stop
wondering anything about you.
If a thought of you makes it through the firewall
That I’ve built
I just say NO…..You’re not welcome here.
Same reason I can’t talk to you.
Because it always comes back to pain.
It always comes back to choices made
By you
That hurt someone.

Usually me.
I was expendable.

In the end, I think, maybe
You hurt yourself the most.

Maybe she’s forgiven you,
I know I have.
Sadly,
It was the best you can do.
But she can never trust you
Not to hurt her.
Never…
Whether or not
It was the best you could do.

If she’s with you,
she’ll leave you over and over
Because she can’t trust you with her heart.

Like I said, in the end,
No matter how things are at the moment
You hurt yourself the most.

I’m going…..
You could have come with me, once upon a time.
But now
No.
I go alone.
A new start, a place to heal.
A place to forget you.
A place to find someone
I can trust
With my heart.
I know, you know,
I can take care of his heart.

I wish you peace.
I doubt that you will ever find it.

Dreaming of Avalon (Florida)

Posted on by learning to live like water

avalon

(Note:  Avalon, the mythical place where King Arthur was supposedly buried, known as a place of healing and of new beginnings.  When I think of Florida, I think of these things. I’m going to have my sister or my friend paint me a plaque to put by my door that says “Welcome to Avalon”.  )

Had a nice long FB convo with my friend in Florida this morning. God, I can’t wait to be there. She’s going to brunch at the place we went when I was there. Outdoors, music…good food, all vegetarian. That will be my life.

She was telling me about a good friend of hers, a guy. Who is finalizing his divorce, she thinks he’s perfect for me. She said he’s “good looking, kind, generous, not into game playing, has enough money to take care of himself.” I told her to tell him to wait for me. He will be at her brunch this morning.

We were mostly joking, but she tells me how she meets people all the time, just hangs out. She said there are so many nice, good-looking men….She said some amazing musicians. She said, get your house sold and run down here! LOL. .

I’m trying, I’m trying.

She’s gonna try to deal with my ants too today. She’s such a good friend. We have been friends since we were 12 or 13. It’s so cool to have these old friends in my life. We know who we are, and how we grew up, there is never any pretense. We just fall into the honest old ways that made us friends in the first place.

Gonna finish the deck today if I can, because it’s gonna rain tomorrow. And also going to my bff’s for awhile. Hope I get it all done.

Dreaming of Florida today. I guess that’s good, that’s how we manifest, to dream of it exactly the way we want it.

Love and light, all.

Saturday

Posted on by learning to live like water

PHEW. I made it through the day….

No, S did not show up here unannounced, just thought I’d clarify that at the beginning, lol. In fact, tonight I have my doubts that he even reads this blog any longer. The gongs, the gongs always set me straight. I don’t know anything for a fact, and I, at least for tonight, don’t give a shit.

After I stopped writing like an obsessed madwoman this morning, I did a couple things around the house, and then headed out to paint the deck. It was about 11. It was about 90°. I painted for an hour. Beads of sweat pouring into my eyes. The deck is on the backside of my house, southern exposure, no protection from the sun. I got a huge glass of water, and sat at the table on the deck, with the umbrella opened up, and drank it. I could feel my heart just pounding.

I went inside, where I had the air conditioning on, reluctantly, because it’s so expensive to run, but it was a lovely 75° in there. I sat down, I could still feel my heart pounding, so I checked my heartrate on that app that’s on the phone. It was 91. Seemed a little high, but I’d been working and only stopped for about 10 minutes. I checked it a couple more times, it was still high. It was slightly worrisome to me, because when I went to the dr yesterday my blood pressure was pretty high for me. Normally, my bp is low.

Anyway, I decided that it would be too hot to paint until the sun went to the other side of the house, around 3. So I showered, and then checked my heartrate again, and it was still 91. Then I decided to do a nice long meditation. Still 91. I went to the store.

At the store I ran into my old next door neighbor and talked for about a half hour in front of the paper towels. I don’t know how the women in this town would keep up with each other if we didn’t have the grocery store! LOL.

Anyway, when I got home I felt relaxed. Checked it again, it was down to 78. Finally. It’s normally 72 when I’m at rest.

So by then it was 3:30, time to start painting again. Which I did, .in the shade now. I got the railings all painted by 6 pm. That was enough for today!.

When I came in I was starving, so made myself nice dinner. A kale salad from my mini-garden on the deck, with strawberries and goat cheese. A bratwurst and a piece of quiche. It was really the only meal I had all day. It really tasted good. I had washed my hands for about 20 minutes to get all the paint off, but as I was eating I realized how much paint I had on my arms and legs, lol. Back to the shower after dinner.

Then I went to my spare bedroom, to get a summer nightgown because I haven’t switched my clothes around. Last week I was still in fleece jammies, and this week summer nightgowns. I had closed the door to the spare bedroom, to keep from having to air condition it. So I go to open the door and it was locked!!!! Yikes!!! I had no idea how to unlock it. Who the hell would have locked it? One of the people looking at the house? Maybe my friend locked it last weekend when she stayed in that room.

Anyway there was a little tiny hole in the doorknob. I went and got a nail, thank God I had one, and stuck it in the hole, and eventually managed to get it unlocked.

Enough for today, lol. I sat down here and started writing, and watching my favorite show Outlander. Such a great show.

My friend texted me from Florida, she’s going to go check on my house tomorrow. And take care of the ants.

Blessed, just blessed. Overall, life is unfolding as it should. Ants, locked bedroom doors and all.

Love and light, all

The Healing Gongs

Posted on by learning to live like water

gong bath

I went to a gong bath last night. For my newer readers, I’ll explain. A gong bath does not involve water. It is an hour long, (sometimes longer) meditation that is facilitated by playing of gongs, in this case 8 of them, and crystal and Tibetan singing bowls, and drums, and bells. People tend to just lay on the floor with a blanket and pillow, or in a zero-gravity chair. I prefer the floor, because I like to change positions and in a chair you are pretty much stuck laying on your back. I’ve been going at least twice a month for 6 years. Lights go out, and you go into a very very deep meditation. At times the gongs are played so hard, it fills the room with sound, and there’s no way that you can hold onto a thought that is not grounded in reality. We call it a tsunami. The vibrations of the gongs are at the same rate as the human body, and your body absorbs them, the sound doesn’t go around you. They seem to go where you need them. I always come out slightly different than I went in. It is where I have done my best healing work.

Last night my friends who are the gong players, played a long, and very intense tsunami. You could literally scream at the top of your voice and not be heard during this, what we call a white noise tsunami. It’s not like other noise though, people fall asleep during this. It’s an opportunity to leave your body behind and find the place in you where your soul lies and have a conversation with it, lol.

So last night’s gong meditation was a very intense one for me. I had no intention in particular going in, but I knew I had so much to work on. The stress of selling my house, moving, my son moving to CO, training my replacement all week, the stomach bug I’ve had which I think is mostly stress, and add to that still not completely over what was done to me by S. I had a friggin catalog of stuff that needed dealing with on levels I can’t get to by myself. Yet.

At the end of the meditation, they play drums. It is lovely, it usually signifies the end to me, and I generally allow a thought to come into my head that is something like “oh shit, it’s over.” LOL. But last night I didn’t even recognize it as the end, it was just part of. I lay still and in the place I’d traveled to, for so long after the playing stopped, I didn’t really come back until I heard people around me having conversations. Although, this is not unusual for me. I have more than once had them call me back at the end….

I was emotionally exhausted from the work I’d done. I usually write about it here when I get home, but could not, last night. I had to let it roll around inside of me, and settle out. I went to bed, late, and didn’t sleep well. I finally got about 5 hours of good sleep, and this morning, I feel slightly more evolved, shall I say. Slightly more able to deal with all the stressors I have.

I thought I felt S’s energy Thursday night, on the way home, and it kind of upset me. I’ve not felt it for almost 3 weeks, and thought that I was finally free of it. But this morning again, while I don’t feel free of it, I also don’t feel weighed down by it. I can say once again, NO. I can say, I love you, I’ll always love you, but NO. You have to leave me alone, and put a wall of light between myself and the energetic cord which is trying to wrap around me.

I have a lot to do this holiday weekend. I’m going to paint my deck, go to my bff’s tomorrow for a get together, mostly just “the girls”, and hang out by her pool. Monday I think I need to go shopping for a few things to take to Virginia to my family reunion/mother’s memorial and burial. So my weekend won’t consist of me sitting around looking for something to do and someone to do it with. Which is a good thing.

I went to the dr for a follow up on my stomach issue. She said that since all my tests came back negative, that all my parts are functioning as they should be, that I probably had a bug, and it’s gone, and I have some residual inflammation left over. She renewed the prescription she had given me, to take as needed, and said that it can take 8 to 10 weeks for your stomach to settle back down. I am feeling much better. She also said, in answer to my concern over having a drink, that red wine is probably good for it, lol. With all the anti-oxidants, and the fact that it’s fermented….so cool. I can have a drink at my bff’s tomorrow!

This morning I sit on my deck, listening to the birds, watching the sunrise, in the fresh early morning air. Life is a blessing today. Feeling much more grounded, much more centered. More like myself today.

Love and light, everyone. Have a lovely weekend.

Note:  Pic is from google images.  Not the gong bath I went to but very similar.

Friday Morning Musings

Posted on by learning to live like water

the tree

I did my morning meditation on grounding myself today, because I woke up scattered. I was so exhausted when I went to bed last night. Work has been so exhausting this week, spending the days training someone to do my job. She is so overwhelmed, I worry that she will ease into the job. And then to add to the stress, someone didn’t show up for work yesterday, and they pulled me off of my job and training to do this other person’s urgent work. I was a little angry about it, that they rely so heavily on me, and haven’t trained others in the office to do the work. I got through it, but I was definitely stressed. Then I came home and had to get the house ready for a showing today. I finally sat down about 9. And didn’t sleep well, and forgot to plug my phone in to charge. The stress showed in my glucose readings this morning. First morning since I stopped the one med that my readings were high.

Hence, the grounding meditation this morning.

When I opened my eyes from the meditation, it was such a beautiful morning. Bird singing, warm enough to be sitting outside at 6 am with a summer nightgown on. I so love this time of year. I felt more rested after the meditation. When I started I could feel my face muscles so tight, my brow furled. It seems to have unwound.

Last night I thought I felt S’s energy for the first time in 2 weeks. Not sure if it was, or if it was just that it’s been 2 ½ weeks since I’ve heard from him, so I’m kind of used to that cycle, and thinking of him. I’m so grateful that he’s been silent though. It has allowed me to unwind, to let go, to stop the hurt that any contact from him stirs up. I wish I could say that it doesn’t still hurt, but it does, I think it may always hurt to have been betrayed so vilely. To have my intimacy with him shared with another, as if it were a public document. To have him tell her lies and then have to listen to her repeat them to me, as if I should believe them, as if I were not part of the equation of my relationship with him, and she was. While he sits back orchestrating the ginormous deceit of her with the lies, and attacking me as if I did something to him besides love him with every fiber of my being.

So I hope he stays silent, and stays away. I will always love him, but I can’t have him anywhere near me, he only brings pain to my life. Maybe some day I’ll think of only the good times, but I think that will be a long ways down the road. If he still reads this blog and reads this, I hope he will respect what I’m saying.

So, I’m working my way back to myself this morning. The good thing is that I have gongs tonight, and they always bring me back. I am always able to get some clarity when the room fills with the sound and vibration of the 8 gongs, and the crystal bowls, and the drums, and the bells. It is such lovely way to end a difficult week. Blessed, totally, to have them in my life.

Off to get ready for one more day on the job, and then a 3 day weekend to welcome in summer, with get together at my bff’s, and painting my deck. Maybe go shopping on Monday. Next weekend I’m off to Virginia, to see my family. Which is such a wonderful way to begin the summer.

Love and light.

A Bit of the Connection 

Posted on by learning to live like water

The other day I said I thought it might be over with him. Done. I still think it might be. 

But laurel said she didn’t think so… I hope she’s wrong but I think she’s pretty intuitive. 

The reason I think it’s maybe done is not so much that he’s not trying to contact me, but that I’m not feeling anything from him. I meant, not like the times I knew he was gonna call for 2 days and then call, or knew he was gonna call me at night and he did.  Just not feeling he’s thinking of contacting me. It’s good. It’s been a blessing now. 2 1/2 weeks if his silence. 

But tonight on the way home from work I turned onto my street and was filled with dread that he might be in my driveway.  Happily he was not. But it was very akin to the phone call premonitions.  I blew it off, then, since he wasnt there. But then I was vacuuming, because I have a house showing tomorrow, and I had the same fear that I was going to look out the slider to the deck and find him out there smoking a cigarette. He always came in the house that way.  

It was momentary. Because he’s never shown up unannounced. Logically, I could blow it off.  But it was a little scary. I don’t want to deal with him.  And so often I know what he’s gonna do days before he does it. 

I hope it’s just fear in my subconscious, because this is his regular contact interval.  And not based in some vibe. The pendulums seem ambivalent. One said no, he want thinking about it. One said he was. 

All I can do is deal with what comes I guess, and not worry about it.