Tag Archives: acceptance

Just Let the Joy Be

Posted on by learning to live like water

It’s been a few days since I’ve written anything. I had to work late all week, not only to catch up from my few days off, but because I was covering someone else who was gone. I haven’t even unpacked yet from my trip.

I have been happy. Happy with my decision to be with S. His actions, his behavior, backs up what he told me he feels. Yeah, I’m vulnerable. Just thinking that to feel this happy….. and to stay in the moment with him…is not something I have done lightly, but I have followed my heart, my gut. It’s not like a trade off, I don’t think that eventually he’ll hurt me again and I’m not wondering will this current happiness be worth that pain. No…really, I think we are both evolving and presently our evolution is parallel. He learned something about himself, and I know he is truly sorry for the pain it caused me for him to learn that way.

The one thing that I’ve always appreciated about him is his honesty. He will tell me the truth, he will remain true to himself even if it hurts me. After living with someone for many years who was a pathological liar, I would so much rather have the brutal truth than a pretty lie. Any day. This he gives to me. He has now told me the whole truth….about the incident. While the thinking that led to it would be to most of us convoluted, I can understand, knowing him, how he arrived there, and for a few moments it seemed to be the only way for him to know what he wanted to find out. He realized within minutes it was wrong, and what the truth was, and he told it to me, and I believe him. I’m not going to explain him in this blog, because even as painful as it was, it is a gift to have him share himself so intimately and vulnerably with me, and so I will keep it in my heart.

I have heard from A a couple of times. He seems to be ok, it was a short relationship, only a few weeks, and it was going to end in a few months anyway. I think he had his place in my life, to remind me that I was desirable when I felt very much the opposite. I couldn’t drum up the same desire for him though, most likely because I was still in love with S. I think my place in his life was to renew his belief in his own spirit after his wife died, to help him to know again that death is only a transformation, not the end. It was good for both of us, but the once the purpose was accomplished it was destined to end.

I know now that my relationship with A was also hurtful to S, though he understands, it was still hurtful. I think we both will try harder to work within our relationship to resolve any issues, whether they be issues between us, or that we are having with ourselves. We both know we don’t want to be with anyone else. I know I am ready to do what needs to be done to build the relationship and not run at the first sign of trouble. Done running. Sick of running. I know that S did not tell me lightly that he didn’t want to be with anyone else, I trust that he also is in that place.

I went to a gong bath last night. I didn’t know what to expect, with all the emotions of the last couple of weeks. Not just S and A, but with my mom, my sis. As it turned out, harmony was the prevailing theme. The gongs seemed to be singing in harmony, as did the drums they play, and the bowls. S was not there physically, but I felt he was with me energetically, and that was very cool.

It was the vernal equinox last night, during the gong bath, which I think added to the energy. Thinking of all the unusual energy that was around yesterday, a solar eclipse, the equinox, the new moon. Of course, here in New England it snowed yet again, lol, and was cold.

I guess we just have to trust that spring will unfold as it should, even though it at times feels like it will never come. Kind of like being in a relationship. Sometimes, you just have to trust that it’s unfolding as it should. And let the joy be.

The Fog of Confusion

Posted on by learning to live like water
“Confusion is the hallmark of a transition. To rebuild both your inner and outer world is a major project.”
 – Anne Grant
I am confused this morning.  I have met a man…who is kind, considerate, loving, and wants to be with me.  I like him…a lot.  I have spent a lot of time with him this past week.  But when I lay my head on the pillow last night, I was missing S, and wishing so much that he could have cared for me that way.  And then feeling stupid for not appreciating momentarily what was, and wanting what wasn’t, and will never be.
It came from the fact that S called me and left me a voice mail asking me to talk to him yesterday.  I answered him, by email, and told him I would unblock the email, because I know he had things to say.  But I couldn’t see him or talk to him.
Why?  Why can’t I see him or talk to him?  Because what he did, fucking the prison whore, still hurts me.  I cannot hear his voice, even in a voice mail, without feeling that knife cutting my heart open again.  I could never look into his blue eyes, without melting down in pain.
I know I have to let go of the man, I have let go a great deal.  But of course, he still wants to see me.  He isn’t going to write what he has to say.  I don’t really want to hear what he has to say.  I don’t want him now, when he’s acted to destroy what I thought was something special, to tell me nice things.  He tells me he has nothing bad to say, and that he’ll make me smile.
I don’t want him to make me smile now.  I want him to disappear, so I can forget him, so I can fully appreciate the new man in my life.  The one who wants me, who would never hurt me, who strives to make me happy.
S told me he “needs this” and that I “owe” him.  I told him I owe him nothing.  How could I possibly owe him?  I loved him, while he refused to love me, or admit it.  He fucked the prison whore, not me.  What do I owe him?  He has already taken far more from me than he has given.  He owes me, the peace of mind that I ask for, to leave me alone, to let me go on and forget about him.  To give me enough time for the affection I feel for him to fade.
Confused.  I hope I don’t blow this new opportunity, wishing the past was different than it was.  Stupid, just stupid of me. Maybe it’s just another layer that I need to sit with.  I don’t know.  Confused.
Gonna put on the fog lights and find my way out of this.

From Anger to Acceptance. Surrender, and Let the Shift Happen

Posted on by learning to live like water

I was angry, from Sunday night until last night. It was coming out in all my interactions, with my son, with my co-workers. Was not a pretty thing. Wrote a whole journal about it, thought about turning it into a blog, decided to do the “wait until morning and see how you feel” thing. In the morning after a very difficult night, tossed and turned for hours….I didn’t feel it.

In fact, at the moment I’m not angry at all. I think I am getting enough distance from the whole breakup with S. Today I can look back at the fun cool things we did and be happy for them, I can look at the betrayal and know he’s a messed up guy when it comes to that area. He’s not a bad guy. Like I said when I was trying to remain friends, he’s smart, really smart, funny, really funny, and very interesting. He’s got, as he called them on a dating site, piercing blue eyes.

But he’s messed up too. He does things he can’t really explain, he doesn’t know how to be accountable for the damage he does. He will apologize. Usually followed by “but….” He will try to find something wrong with you, if he has hurt you, to justify his behavior.

Childish, immature.

But not hateful. Egocentric, yes. Terrified of being at fault. But just messed up. He doesn’t set out to do the damage. He just doesn’t know how to stop himself.

He’s still that little boy, who couldn’t do anything right enough to earn the love of those who were supposed to just love him because he was. But it’s his journey to figure that out, not mine.

The biggest thing is, that the sting has gone out of what he did. I don’t see it as directed at me, to hurt me. I see it as a careless act, and the best he could do at the time in the place his head was. So, the hurt that was so raw, now I just shrug it off. He’s a hot mess. But he no longer has the power to make me into one.

Now, not sayin’ I want to set myself up for it again. Still haven’t talked to him, in 5 days, don’t intend to. I have had some opportunities to talk to men who don’t seem to be inclined to have sex with the first strange 31 year old headed for prison they encounter. Or anyone else for that matter. I hope he can raise his sights a little higher, for his own good. So he’s not paying for an STD test every time he has sex.

So enough of him. I’m not angry anymore. One reason is because I had a gathering of some of my closest friends at my house last night. We started a book club, focusing on spiritual books. We’re all into spirit, energy, journey back to source. So, the thing was, I was able to connect, and raise my level of consciousness out of the level of pain and hurt, and low self esteem and questioning myself. Discussion with my friends brought me back to who I am, who I want to be. Which is not someone who is in a relationship with a man who will fuck anyone he can. I get why I did it. I also get why I no longer want anything to do with it.

I had a long talk with my guy-friend, who I went out to dinner with a couple weeks ago. We text, we don’t talk on the phone much, but he asked me to call tonight on the way home, and I did. It was so pleasant, he is such a nice guy. He’s widowed, recently, he hadn’t told me that. Another reason why he isn’t looking for a relationship. He’s still raw. But he misses the friendship and companionship of a woman. Which is fine with me, because I miss male energy, but don’t want to find myself jumping into a new relationship. So we keep each other company, without all that heated energy to get into bed together.

I’m going to go to bed early tonight, and hope to make it through the night. I don’t know what I’m running on, my sleeping has been awful this week. A shift, I think I’m undergoing a shift. I was straying from my path, in my anger and my pain. Coming back to center now. Was a pretty hellacious ride.

I let it go, surrender. There are wonderful things ahead for me, I am sure of it.