It’s been a strange day.

I’ve emailed the friend that I deleted, entirely, the other day. Because I can’t stand for things to end ugly.  We promised no matter what happened, we’d stay friends. I may have severely tested that, and so has he. I had him blocked because I was on overload, and it got ugly,  but have unblocked him, thinking that maybe he needs to talk about it. Idk if he’s blocked me or not, but I just want to be there for him if he needs me to be. I ask that I not be judged for this. I have to do it.

I was wishing that I had family around today. I am deep into, apparently, settling out emotions from the really unbelievable week. As I was deep in the wish, my ex’s cousin called, as if she’d heard me. She is not blood family, to me, but she has known me all my adult life and she listens. She listens, which I totally needed someone to do. She offers no advice, because she knows there is none to give, and I love her for it. She has her issues too, and I tried, I think successfully, to lend an ear to her.

I made some banana cookies. My sis gave me the recipe. Two ripe bananas, smashed up. A cup of quick oats, and add chocolate chips and walnuts (if you want.) You can use raisins too, if you want, or instead of the chocolate chips and walnuts. Whatever you want. Mini-chips if you add them. Bake at 350 for 15 min. They are so good. Gluten free and no added sugar. Makes about 16 cookies.

I am trying to work on the pendants my sculptor friend gave me. Trying to wrap the wire around the outside and glue it to the pendant so it doesn’t come off. I got that done, and glued in place, and had to hold it in place for about 10 minutes at a drop. While I was waiting for the glue to dry, I decided that I needed some wine, and am binge watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix. It’s so hilarious, and I’m on my 2^nd glass of wine.

I knew I needed to ge productive doing something besides exploring and settling my emotions out by writing today. I needed a break from it. From my friend, from my ex. I needed someone who understood the depth to which all the alocoholism of two men, paranoid delusions involving me, and my son, my friend whom I love still, my niece who is my godchild’s illness, how deeply all of those things affect me. I need to laugh, to stop myself from crying.

Why has it been my place to deal with it all? I have no idea. I suppose that there is a lesson here, like every other traumatic thing I’ve gone through. I suppose I will at some point, figure out what it is. Right now, I’m gonna let the universe drive the train, and bring me to the conclusion when it’s time for me to understand.

Till then thank God for Grace and Frankie, lol. And red wine. And people who will listen. And love me anyway.

Love and light…..

My internet has decided to run exceedingly slow this morning. It’s making me crazy. I’ve shut down and rebooted 3 times, to no avail. Grrrrr. FB is slow, my email is slower. The only site that loaded normally was WP. I usually have two browsers open, Firefox and Chrome, and they are both running so slow.

My sis was here for a couple of days and that was really nice. I needed some family time, someone to whom I didn’t need to explain everything about myself to. Even though she doesn’t quite get the whole picture. She had her own health issues last week, which are seeming to resolve this weekend. We went to the play my friend is in, (my 2^nd time) on Friday night. Saturday morning we went over to one of the St. Pete beaches for a couple hours. It was really nice. Kind of just what I needed.

Since she left I’ve been kind of retrospective and introspective on all the stuff last week. I’ve been tryng to sort it out, trying to absorb it, trying to own my part in some of it. I got an email from an old neighbor (I’ll call her Linda) yesterday, saying how sorry she was not to have been able to say hi when I was in CT. Sigh.

I realized I should explain why I didn’t say hi, because I wasn’t there….and why. She is his neighbor still, because he lives next door to our old house that he lost in foreclosure. So I tried to give her the abbreviated story but you can’t abbreviate it too much, since it is what it is. She and I were not close, but we were friends. When I got done emailing with her, I realized I should call the other neighbor (I’ll call her Lisa) who is definitely one of my good friends, or was. Her son and mine grew up together. I knew if one neighbor knew, she’d find out, and probably wonder why I didn’t clue her in.

It was all good, because the one who emailed me, Linda, has the phone number of his landlord at the cottage, so I’ll be able to get in touch with him if need be. Apparently my ex called the landlord from the hospital, though I am sure he did not give the real reason he was there, to arrange to keep the rent paid, though I don’t know how that will work, since he most likely has no access to his bank account at the hospital. (Landlord said he sounded fine. SMH) Not my problem. But at least there is a connection there. I told Linda to have him call me if there’s a problem. That’s only because I am the only person the hospital is allowed by my ex to talk to. I don’t want to take it on, but it looks like I’m chosen, lol, and will try to help out when and where I can. If it starts to take it’s toll on me I will divest myself of that responsibility. I could dump it on his sister, but honestly, she has enough on her plate with my niece.

Also was feeling bad about my friend for the last couple of days, who rightly came to his senses and left me a voice mail expressing concern for my well being, since I was not posting much last week. I didn’t even see the voice mail for a half a day. But it seemed genuine, and I know he feels bad. Of course, since then I’ve posted, and he knows I’m ok, but still upset over the way things turned out there. I hate leaving things so ugly. I know that deep inside he has a good heart, and no wish to hurt anyone, and I want to acknowledge that.

Tomorrow I will talk to the therapist at 10. My therapist. Considering the way I feel today it’s a good thing. I still have trouble with all of this. A lot of PTSD with my ex, and actually some with my friend too. It will be good to get some help on dealing with it all.

Love and light.

Tears, bitter and sweet,
Fall into my lap
Making my hands too slippery to grasp
Anything.

The things I wanted to hold onto
Slide through my fingertips,
The things I never wanted found me anyway
Scarring me as they slide away from my feeble grip
Leaving me afraid and bleeding,
With only tears now to heal them.

I loved you, ’tis true.
And still.
But it’s a void, vacant for me,
There is no ying to my yang.
No joy to my sorrow,
No sorrow to my joy.
It’s a lonely place
Loving someone who can’t.

There was hope,
For a brief moment.
It was all I had, but it was enough
For that moment.
Then it was gone
In a terrible, terrifying instant.
I can’t even fathom why I had it at all
Considering our history,
Passionate and cold
Ending every time before it could really begin.
But I did.
Suffice to say,
I did.

I don’t any more.

By Deborah E. Dayen

As the day dawns today, I realize that April is almost over. The summer heat and rains are on their way to Florida. Not much will change in my life. I’ll spend more time indoors in the day, and maybe sit on my deck in the early morning, or the evening hours.

Florida needs siesta time in the middle of the day, like they had in Cancun when we visited in 1977. I suppose they still do. That was my first experience with siesta. I remember marveling at how everything in town closed for a few hours in the middle of the day. What a nice custom, I thought. To rest in the day and stay up late, dancing under the stars, or wandering the beach. I remember coming back to my life and wanting to go take a nap in the middle of the afternoon every day for awhile. But you know, life here didn’t allow for that.

Now that I’m retired, I do quite often allow myself a short nap in the day. The nights I don’t sleep well are not so aggravating because I know I don’t have to go put in a 10 hour day. I can pretend I’m in Mexico, and sleep.

It’s odd to me that with all the stress of the past week, I am sleeping pretty well. It’s almost as if the things I was afraid would happen did, and now that they have, I don’t have to worry about them happening. I have to deal with some of them, and will on a continuous basis for awhile, but I don’t have to have that fear that they will happen. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

The friendship that was ended, was not really a friendship. There were not two balanced sides, there was not equal give and take, there was not both of us being there for each other. So, I knew it could not last, though I wanted it to. I will miss some things about it, but not the rude awakenings I’ve had a few times with that person. I hope they get some help for their issues, so they are not alone forever.  Having the end of this happen, when it did, as it did, allowed me to let go of it, and not wait in anticipation for the next round.

My ex….Lord knows I have always thought that he might end up as he is, at least for the last 20 years. It worried me to death when my son lived with him, after I moved out. I knew then that he would hurt my son to get to me. But now, 10 years later, he has deluded himself so much and so often that he lives within his delusions, makes up one after the other. Not to hurt anyone now. Just, that’s where he lives. He wants to create his own reality in a very egoic sense. And does. And his reality has nothing to do with what is actually going on in the world right outside his personal space.  Having him in the hospital allays my fears that he will hurt himself or someone else with his delusions, and allows me to also let go of that, and just deal with the present.

They had a hearing yesterday at 3 to get the order to give him his meds intravenously. I cannot even imagine the terror inside his demented mind as they come at him with a needle. It’s his worst nightmare. Maybe it will be enough for him to decide to take them orally. But I doubt it, and I imagine he will fight it, fight it hard. I so feel for him, so much sorrow that he has ended up where he is. How could I live with someone 40 years and not feel his pain, and confusion, about what has happened to his life?

I did what I did 10 years ago to save myself and my son. But it sent him into a downward spiral, to have what he believed to be a carefully crafted life that he was in control of, fall apart. He felt so entitled to treat me the way he did, and never thought for a second that I had the option of just walking away. I see that now. Of course, I’m so glad I did it 10 years ago, so glad that I finished it before he had a chance to destroy everything we’d built together, and before he had actually descended into madness. I survived, and so did my son. Now we both thrive, and isn’t that the best thing, the only thing, that matters? That we live out our lives well?

I would help him if I could, and for that matter, I’d help the friend that I had to dissassociate myself from, if I could. But the help they need has to come from professionals, not from someone who just loves them. It’s been proven to me enough, that my love for them can’t heal them. Their healing can only come from within. Maybe some day things will turn for them both, maybe some day we can be friends again. I hope for both of them. My own life moves on, I have enough of my own work to do. We are all a work in progress, all of our lives, I think.

Love and light.

Summer’s heat returns

Hot winds blow off the ocean

Steamy evenings.

By Deborah E. Dayen

I sure had my fill of insanity this week.

It started with the drunken phone call from someone I thought was a friend, who turned out to be someone completely different, with different intentions than I had ever thought. I have finished now, deleting all the texts, voice mails, and emails from this person over the last 3 years. I have a lot of blogs about this person, but I don’t have to read them. There is no record of him here, except records of phone calls, but I don’t have to look at those so I’m ok with that.

Then of course, Sunday’s traumatic events with my ex, with all the stuff I had to deal with, in relation to it. That went on through the week. Yesterday though, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I don’t really want to know any more. I found out they are, and probably have by now, gotten him a court order to force his meds on him by injection. And he hates needles. They will see his temper if they come at him with a needle, but that would probably be a good thing, for them to see him get violently angry. I may call to see where that stands. I only want to keep in touch with them so I’ll know if they’re thinking of releasing him.

Then, Wednesday night. I went to bed sometime between 10:30 and 11, after my friends all left. They’d come over for moral support, and we’d had pizza and wine. It was really nice, to have friends who genuinely were concerned for me. At 12:30 AM someone started banging on my front door. It woke me out of a sound sleep. I waited to hear it again, because some of you know, that weird energy happens to me at times, like my smoke alarm going off, or the phone ringing, and it stops as soon as I’m awake. This time, as I lay there, eyes wide open, disoriented, the knocking happened again. Ok, freaking me out a little. Who the hell is knocking on my front door at 12:30 at night?? And then it happened again.

I got out of bed, and peered through my bedroom curtain. I can’t see the door from there, but could see the step up to my door. As I watched, what appeared to be a young black woman, with a back pack and her hair up on her head, walked off my stoop, and to the end of my driveway, where she stood. Obviously not knowing what to do next. Then she walked across the street, and stood in front of the house across the street. She made motions with her arms, like “What do I do now?” I think perhaps she lives in that house, but it was completely dark, and there were no cars in the driveway, which is unusual, there’s usually one. Then after standing there a few minutes, she walked back across the street diagonally, toward houses farther down the street, and out of my view.

To say it scared the shit out of me is an understatement. Of course, when she was gone, I started worrying about her, like was she in trouble, or danger, or something. Well, there were no cars on the street. She was not trying to hide, not acting like she didn’t want to be seen. It’s possible that she was just locked out of her house. But at any rate, I was not going to answer the door in the middle of the night for someone I didn’t know. I realized that it was a warm night, in the 70’s, and she would not be harmed by sitting outside all night.

But it took me a long while to be able to think about going back to sleep. When I did, my allergies decided it was a good time to swell my sinuses, and may my nose run, and make it impossible to breathe. I can’t sleep and breathe through my mouth. I had taken an allergy med already, didn’t want to take more. I ended up with a few hours of bad sleep.

Yesterday, I had promised to run my friend Pat around so she could get some errands done, because she no longer has a car. I told her to pack some stuff to spend the night here, because we’d be going to open mic and I didn’t want to have to drive her home after. I got about a 45 min. nap before we went, which was just enough to get me through the night. It was so good to just sit there, and melt into the comfy outdoor couch they have. I didn’t even want to talk. I had a glass of jasmine mint tea, did not even want a drink. I totally needed to just mellow out, so that I could sleep last night, and I did. When we got back to my house, we sat on the deck for about 20 minutes, had a piece of apple pie, and a smoke, and went to bed. I slept 8 good solid hours. No nightmares, no one coming into my dreams that I didn’t want there.

Today, my sis is coming to stay with me. We’re going to my friend’s play again, because my sis wants to see it. Tomorrow we’re going to one of the St. Pete beaches for a couple hours. It’s been around 90 here for a couple days, so it’s perfect timing for the beach. Though it will be busy, though when the beaches here are busy it’s like a slow day in New England, lol. Because all the beaches are free and there are many. That will be fun.

There are boat races in the bay this weekend. I just took my walk down on the waterfront, and they have closed many of the streets off along the water. There were tons of vendors setting up, and a kind of boat show of mostly fishing boats. Lots of food vendors too. However, the vendors had taken all of the public parking along the water, which is the majority of the parking in this small town. So I have no idea where people are supposed to park. A few of my friends are playing at one or two of the bars along the water Saturday night and Sunday. I kind of wanted to go see them, but don’t have any idea where we could park.

So all’s well that ends well. My life here is still wonderful, there are challenges but there always will be. As long as I can stay grounded, I’ll be ok.

Love and light.

The golden sparkles
Lit the sky
As your arms encircled me
Pulling me in deeper and deeper.

Where were you in the old days?
You asked
We would have been lovers then.
Yes, and then you’d have run

Now I run from all the terror
All the pain
All the heartache that had no joy
All the ugliness I could not bear.
We are not lovers now
We were not lovers then.

I couldn’t make myself
Take a chance
On something I knew I’d lose at.
It was already lost,
It was gone before it could start.

The common ground beneath
Disintegrated into a dark hole,
and swallowed you into it’s muck.
I held on to the edge and clawed my way out.
I just couldn’t do it one more time.

By Deborah E. Dayen

The days are returning to normal. Tonight a few of my friends came over late in the day. We sat on the deck and drank some wine and ordered pizza delivered. So good to have good girlfriends. We talk about everything. Politics, sex, old lovers, spouses, writing, theater. We are all so different, and so much the same.

I spoke to the social worker at the hospital today. They are going to court to get an order to give him his meds. When they told him, because they have to, he got very angry and combative. They asked him if we wanted an advocate because he’s entitled to one, and he said he didn’t need one, he had a lawyer. He doesn’t. He told them my son wants him home, and was coming to a meeting at 10 am tomorrow at the hospital. She said, “Oh that’s great! We’re looking forward to meeting him.” She said she wonders how he’ll react tomorrow when my son doesn’t show. I said, “Oh, he’ll have a whole new story about it.” I did say though, when she told me how angry he got, “Now you see a little of why we are so concerned about him being released. The meds will stop the second he walks out the door, and you can imagine if someone confronts him.” She agreed, though gave no indication that there would be anything done about it.

My son texted me that his dad called him 12 times this morning. I told him to block the number and he did. I told him, “He’s calling you because he thinks you’re coming to a meeting there tomorrow.” He is beginning to laugh at it, detaching from it. That’s good.

Looking forward to open mic tomorrow. I’m ready for a warm balmy night, just hanging out, good music, no stress, lots of laughter. Same group as tonight, with some additional people, men and women. I hope my open mic night friend comes, I would enjoy the company of a kind, loving centered man for a couple hours.

Love and light to everyone.