It’s All Strange, but I’m Thankful

It’s been a strange day.

I’ve emailed the friend that I deleted, entirely, the other day. Because I can’t stand for things to end ugly.  We promised no matter what happened, we’d stay friends. I may have severely tested that, and so has he. I had him blocked because I was on overload, and it got ugly,  but have unblocked him, thinking that maybe he needs to talk about it. Idk if he’s blocked me or not, but I just want to be there for him if he needs me to be. I ask that I not be judged for this. I have to do it.

I was wishing that I had family around today. I am deep into, apparently, settling out emotions from the really unbelievable week. As I was deep in the wish, my ex’s cousin called, as if she’d heard me. She is not blood family, to me, but she has known me all my adult life and she listens. She listens, which I totally needed someone to do. She offers no advice, because she knows there is none to give, and I love her for it. She has her issues too, and I tried, I think successfully, to lend an ear to her.

I made some banana cookies. My sis gave me the recipe. Two ripe bananas, smashed up. A cup of quick oats, and add chocolate chips and walnuts (if you want.) You can use raisins too, if you want, or instead of the chocolate chips and walnuts. Whatever you want. Mini-chips if you add them. Bake at 350 for 15 min. They are so good. Gluten free and no added sugar. Makes about 16 cookies.

I am trying to work on the pendants my sculptor friend gave me. Trying to wrap the wire around the outside and glue it to the pendant so it doesn’t come off. I got that done, and glued in place, and had to hold it in place for about 10 minutes at a drop. While I was waiting for the glue to dry, I decided that I needed some wine, and am binge watching Grace and Frankie on Netflix. It’s so hilarious, and I’m on my 2nd glass of wine.

I knew I needed to ge productive doing something besides exploring and settling my emotions out by writing today. I needed a break from it. From my friend, from my ex. I needed someone who understood the depth to which all the alocoholism of two men, paranoid delusions involving me, and my son, my friend whom I love still, my niece who is my godchild’s illness, how deeply all of those things affect me. I need to laugh, to stop myself from crying.

Why has it been my place to deal with it all? I have no idea. I suppose that there is a lesson here, like every other traumatic thing I’ve gone through. I suppose I will at some point, figure out what it is. Right now, I’m gonna let the universe drive the train, and bring me to the conclusion when it’s time for me to understand.

Till then thank God for Grace and Frankie, lol. And red wine. And people who will listen. And love me anyway.

Love and light…..

Sunday Retro / Intro Spection

My internet has decided to run exceedingly slow this morning. It’s making me crazy. I’ve shut down and rebooted 3 times, to no avail. Grrrrr. FB is slow, my email is slower. The only site that loaded normally was WP. I usually have two browsers open, Firefox and Chrome, and they are both running so slow.

My sis was here for a couple of days and that was really nice. I needed some family time, someone to whom I didn’t need to explain everything about myself to. Even though she doesn’t quite get the whole picture. She had her own health issues last week, which are seeming to resolve this weekend. We went to the play my friend is in, (my 2nd time) on Friday night. Saturday morning we went over to one of the St. Pete beaches for a couple hours. It was really nice. Kind of just what I needed.

Since she left I’ve been kind of retrospective and introspective on all the stuff last week. I’ve been tryng to sort it out, trying to absorb it, trying to own my part in some of it. I got an email from an old neighbor (I’ll call her Linda) yesterday, saying how sorry she was not to have been able to say hi when I was in CT. Sigh.

I realized I should explain why I didn’t say hi, because I wasn’t there….and why. She is his neighbor still, because he lives next door to our old house that he lost in foreclosure. So I tried to give her the abbreviated story but you can’t abbreviate it too much, since it is what it is. She and I were not close, but we were friends. When I got done emailing with her, I realized I should call the other neighbor (I’ll call her Lisa) who is definitely one of my good friends, or was. Her son and mine grew up together. I knew if one neighbor knew, she’d find out, and probably wonder why I didn’t clue her in.

It was all good, because the one who emailed me, Linda, has the phone number of his landlord at the cottage, so I’ll be able to get in touch with him if need be. Apparently my ex called the landlord from the hospital, though I am sure he did not give the real reason he was there, to arrange to keep the rent paid, though I don’t know how that will work, since he most likely has no access to his bank account at the hospital. (Landlord said he sounded fine. SMH) Not my problem. But at least there is a connection there. I told Linda to have him call me if there’s a problem. That’s only because I am the only person the hospital is allowed by my ex to talk to. I don’t want to take it on, but it looks like I’m chosen, lol, and will try to help out when and where I can. If it starts to take it’s toll on me I will divest myself of that responsibility. I could dump it on his sister, but honestly, she has enough on her plate with my niece.

Also was feeling bad about my friend for the last couple of days, who rightly came to his senses and left me a voice mail expressing concern for my well being, since I was not posting much last week. I didn’t even see the voice mail for a half a day. But it seemed genuine, and I know he feels bad. Of course, since then I’ve posted, and he knows I’m ok, but still upset over the way things turned out there. I hate leaving things so ugly. I know that deep inside he has a good heart, and no wish to hurt anyone, and I want to acknowledge that.

Tomorrow I will talk to the therapist at 10. My therapist. Considering the way I feel today it’s a good thing. I still have trouble with all of this. A lot of PTSD with my ex, and actually some with my friend too. It will be good to get some help on dealing with it all.

Love and light.

I Don’t, Any More

Tears, bitter and sweet,
Fall into my lap
Making my hands too slippery to grasp
Anything.

The things I wanted to hold onto
Slide through my fingertips,
The things I never wanted found me anyway
Scarring me as they slide away from my feeble grip
Leaving me afraid and bleeding,
With only tears now to heal them.

I loved you, ’tis true.
And still.
But it’s a void, vacant for me,
There is no ying to my yang.
No joy to my sorrow,
No sorrow to my joy.
It’s a lonely place
Loving someone who can’t.

There was hope,
For a brief moment.
It was all I had, but it was enough
For that moment.
Then it was gone
In a terrible, terrifying instant.
I can’t even fathom why I had it at all
Considering our history,
Passionate and cold
Ending every time before it could really begin.
But I did.
Suffice to say,
I did.

I don’t any more.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Letting Go, and Staying Present

As the day dawns today, I realize that April is almost over. The summer heat and rains are on their way to Florida. Not much will change in my life. I’ll spend more time indoors in the day, and maybe sit on my deck in the early morning, or the evening hours.

Florida needs siesta time in the middle of the day, like they had in Cancun when we visited in 1977. I suppose they still do. That was my first experience with siesta. I remember marveling at how everything in town closed for a few hours in the middle of the day. What a nice custom, I thought. To rest in the day and stay up late, dancing under the stars, or wandering the beach. I remember coming back to my life and wanting to go take a nap in the middle of the afternoon every day for awhile. But you know, life here didn’t allow for that.

Now that I’m retired, I do quite often allow myself a short nap in the day. The nights I don’t sleep well are not so aggravating because I know I don’t have to go put in a 10 hour day. I can pretend I’m in Mexico, and sleep.

It’s odd to me that with all the stress of the past week, I am sleeping pretty well. It’s almost as if the things I was afraid would happen did, and now that they have, I don’t have to worry about them happening. I have to deal with some of them, and will on a continuous basis for awhile, but I don’t have to have that fear that they will happen. I don’t even know if that makes sense.

The friendship that was ended, was not really a friendship. There were not two balanced sides, there was not equal give and take, there was not both of us being there for each other. So, I knew it could not last, though I wanted it to. I will miss some things about it, but not the rude awakenings I’ve had a few times with that person. I hope they get some help for their issues, so they are not alone forever.  Having the end of this happen, when it did, as it did, allowed me to let go of it, and not wait in anticipation for the next round.

My ex….Lord knows I have always thought that he might end up as he is, at least for the last 20 years. It worried me to death when my son lived with him, after I moved out. I knew then that he would hurt my son to get to me. But now, 10 years later, he has deluded himself so much and so often that he lives within his delusions, makes up one after the other. Not to hurt anyone now. Just, that’s where he lives. He wants to create his own reality in a very egoic sense. And does. And his reality has nothing to do with what is actually going on in the world right outside his personal space.  Having him in the hospital allays my fears that he will hurt himself or someone else with his delusions, and allows me to also let go of that, and just deal with the present.

They had a hearing yesterday at 3 to get the order to give him his meds intravenously. I cannot even imagine the terror inside his demented mind as they come at him with a needle. It’s his worst nightmare. Maybe it will be enough for him to decide to take them orally. But I doubt it, and I imagine he will fight it, fight it hard. I so feel for him, so much sorrow that he has ended up where he is. How could I live with someone 40 years and not feel his pain, and confusion, about what has happened to his life?

I did what I did 10 years ago to save myself and my son. But it sent him into a downward spiral, to have what he believed to be a carefully crafted life that he was in control of, fall apart. He felt so entitled to treat me the way he did, and never thought for a second that I had the option of just walking away. I see that now. Of course, I’m so glad I did it 10 years ago, so glad that I finished it before he had a chance to destroy everything we’d built together, and before he had actually descended into madness. I survived, and so did my son. Now we both thrive, and isn’t that the best thing, the only thing, that matters? That we live out our lives well?

I would help him if I could, and for that matter, I’d help the friend that I had to dissassociate myself from, if I could. But the help they need has to come from professionals, not from someone who just loves them. It’s been proven to me enough, that my love for them can’t heal them. Their healing can only come from within. Maybe some day things will turn for them both, maybe some day we can be friends again. I hope for both of them. My own life moves on, I have enough of my own work to do. We are all a work in progress, all of our lives, I think.

Love and light.

Finding Simplicity

sunset 2

The sky blazed that evening
Before the darkness came
It was wild
With songs from long ago
Fortelling the future.

Oh how I reached for something
To hold it there
To keep the fuschia clouds
At my fingertips,
To keep the shining sun
At the perfect mark on the horizon

I could hold onto nothing.
Darkness came unbidden
Teeny pinpricks of starlight
Quivered my skin
The inky enigmatic air
Soothed and horrified me.

I fled like the wind that blew
To the comfort of what was known
What could be seen
To the simple and the beautiful
Knowledge that
I am.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture taken by me January 14, 2017  Pass-a-Grille Beach, Florida