I spent the day alone yesterday, all day. Didn’t even go out of the house. After going out for pizza and to listen to our good friends play Dan and I had stayed up until just after midnight Friday night. Since we were home by 8 PM, that was 4 hours of talking and about 2 hours past when I usually go to bed. The conversation turned to hard, difficult, at times angry. Finally, at one point in a break in the conversation I asked him if we could be done for the night.

For whatever reason that happened, I woke up yesterday morning after 4 hours of sleep, and my waking thought was, I cannot do this anymore. I cannot go through this verbal blood and guts scene. We have been talking just a week now, and 3 times have had hours long conversations into the wee hours of the morning. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally.

I don’t know if he finally understood how this all came about, this whole rift, the crashing and burning of our relationship. I think we are trying to build a new foundation, though sometimes I feel like the old one is being defended. Which of course is not necessary. It’s not even the right thing to do.

But yesterday, upon waking, I didn’t know if I could continue. It was just too hard. It shouldn’t be that hard if love is present.

I didn’t try to reach him all morning, I needed a rest from the whole thing. And I was exhausted. In late morning, I got an email from him. I think he’s beginning to realize that when something is written, it is less likely that you run off-track, because this email was a beautiful thing. He soothed my bruised psyche. He reached out.

So, I did some journaling, I read for a while, I did a little bit of housework, I did a complete run through of the sound healing (which was so good for me) and I napped. He and I texted intermittently through out the day. It was peaceful. Even though I am still kind of in the place where I woke up, not knowing if I can stay with it, I see him trying and so, I continue to try. Still, I feel like it just shouldn’t be so hard. I crave the ease that used to define our relationship. I don’t know if we can ever get back there. I am reminded of the scene in Eat Pray Love, where Liz Gilbert says to David, “It’s not that I need easy. I just can’t have it be so hard.”

I can take hard, like illness, like external issues. I can’t take hard interpersonal relationships. Not this hard. I want to not be so tired that I can’t go for a walk, that I don’t want to do anything, or talk to anyone, that I am in my head way too much trying to understand what the hell is happening, and how I ultimately feel about it. I want to be his soft place to land, but I also want him to be that for me.

I am so grateful for my close circle of friends, my tribe as we call ourselves. They have been that soft place for me to land. I’m trying not to lean on them so much now, just trying to figure things out on my own. This is mostly my writers group.

I’m guessing I’ll be alone much of today too, until I get down to the beach and set up the sound healing with my friend Lynn. I asked Dan to join us, but I don’t think he’s going to. He is holding on to resentment that I excluded him at all, and not realizing that in doing so, he’s separating himself now. I invited him back to try to heal the resentments, to move us forward instead of being stuck in that hurtful place. But that’s a realization he needs to make on his own, and that’s what I told him, that it’s completely up to him whether he joins us or not. I know I can do it without him. I have planned until this last week to do this, and I’m ok with it. He can add to it, or not. You never know, he may surprise me and show up.

I also suggested to him that he could go and just be a participant. Lay on the beach and experience it from that side, because he has not done that. It would be good for him, and he could go with two of our good friends who always go. I don’t know if he’s considering that. I hope so.

My morning coffee is getting cold. It’s a chilly 54° outside. Since it’s supposed to get to 75° today, I think I’ll wait to take my walk. Gonna do my best to prepare myself for the sound healing, and hope nothing is able to disrupt that.

Love and light.

The wind blew hard last night. Over 40 mph. Tornadoes were hanging around. It poured rain, flooded many areas. The moon is almost full, and the storm tide has brought water up into the streets, back up storm sewers, and pushed 10’ seas up on shore. It was a wild night.

But daybreak brings an end to the rain, and a breezy, not blustery, wind. As daylight illuminates, I see a fence down, palm fronds all over but of course not the dead ones I was hoping the wind would prune from one of my palms.

We don’t often get wild weather here in Florida, at least not this time of year. It is basically the same most days, sunny, a few clouds, with temps running from the 60’s to the 70’s, and sometimes a breeze like this morning. Some people would call it boring but I call it wonderful. I know the northeast got a bunch of snow in some places yesterday, and rain now, and it’s cold. So I’ll take my boring Florida sunshine. Meanwhile it was kind of fun having a night of wild weather last night. I’m guessing there are power outages around, and I’d probably not be so glib had I lost power, or had a tree fall on my house.

I was watching the news a little bit, the nightly news. I can’t stomach politics in the morning when I have a whole day in front of me. But now that the drama is over, and what we knew was going to happen sadly for our nation, actually happened, I don’t know if I can watch it at all. I mean seriously, I can’t take watching the child in the WH have another temper tantrum. That he has no humility is one thing. To attack those who could see through him, to the truth, is so inappropriate, to say the least. I expected no less from this sick man. So, I just choose to not watch, not hear. He’s proven who he is, and pretty much anything he has to say now only reinforces the soul-less human that he is. Enough of him. I will just ignore him and allow my life to go on without that injection of hate, anger and utter conscienceless rhetoric of his.

As I write this, the sun has begun to peek out from the clouds. It’s chilly this morning, but no one would call it cold. It looks like FL again. The weather for the sound healing on Sunday looks good. The weather for my son and his family’s trip here next week also looks good. Perhaps Florida spring is starting now. That would be nice.

I’m so pleased that Dan and I are really talking, about what matters to our relationship. It’s been wonderfully cathartic for me, and I believe for him too. We’re going to make our “debut” as a couple back into our own circle of friends tonight when we go to watch our good friends at a local restaurant. I didn’t realize how uncomfortable a few of our friends were when I wouldn’t talk to him. I couldn’t talk to him, especially with other people’s eyes on me. Even though I’d asked them all to please not change their relationships with him, a few did, and I hope our being together will help to heal that. It will never be as it was, neither of us wants to go there. We have been able to clearly talk about what we both want and need, and it isn’t to move back and forth from one house to another again. That happened by default, that we did that. As a consequence, after a time, neither of us was happy. I am writing more, because I am alone most mornings, and I need that time to myself. We have only had a few days of this new communication, so who knows where it will end up, but it is always better to communicate closely than not. We know, and have discussed, that we both care for each other very much. We also recognize that we need time to ourselves, need our own space, and it makes us better together. I have no expectations, want to push nothing. But I still love his big bear hugs.

I think we are building a much more tenable foundation for ourselves, one that can actually support us without sagging floors, and tilted walls. It’s all good.  I also think that as we age, change comes slowly, when you have a lifetime of experience to weigh the change against.

I can prepare for the sound healing with more enthusiasm now. I was and am a little nervous about performing by myself. I have told him he is welcome to join us, since I no longer feel the disconnect I did a month ago. I also said that I wanted the choice to be his, that I didn’t want him doing it because he thought I wanted it. I want him to be happy and comfortable. So far, he has declined until the March full moon. He also knows he can change his mind at any time. My friend who plays with me told me last night she thought she was coming down with something, and I’m afraid she’ll be sick for Sunday’s beach sound healing. (There is a terrible respiratory thing going around. I had it, and many people I know have had it.) I asked Dan if he would help me out if she couldn’t play Sunday,. I can’t do it completely by myself, I don’t think. He said he would. He thought my friend didn’t want him to play with us, and I hope he believed me when I told him that she was not on board with excluding him, but believed it was my call, not hers to make. For me, it was about the energy.  I felt our connection was broken, and that I couldn’t go up in front of all those people and pretend otherwise. I want no insincerity, no negativity, to be in that space. I mean, it’s vibrational healing, there needs to be an honest positive vibe. But now, we wouldn’t have to act, and even though things are not the same, and the outcome is yet unfolding, the energy around us is positive. We’ll see. I am good with whatever happens.

It’s interesting to watch my life’s path unfold. I feel like an observer at times. Following my intuition, and allowing what is, to just be what is.

Love and light to all.

Today will be busy. I start at my friend Lynn’s Tibetan bowl meditation. Then she and I will get some lunch and maybe do a run-through of the sound bath. Then we will go to my Spirit Girls meeting, which is always nice. Lynn asked me afterward to take her to the grocery store because she can’t drive. Of course, I said I would, but it will mean getting home late, probably close to 6. That’s a long day for me. But I’ll enjoy it. I need these things, except the grocery store, lol.

The week has been very much in my heart, and in my head so far. Some things come into focus, and that’s a good thing, to see clearly. But clarity on one thing often leads to the obscurity of another. Like in a movie, when the cameraman focuses on a single point in the picture, The point becomes very clear, but the rest of the picture is blurred.

Slowly more and more pieces come together, but I’m still not sure what the outcome of this particular movie will be. I don’t expect to know.  If I could, I could make a lot of money predicting the future! All we can do is take one minute at a time, one moment, and stay with it. Try to stay in the flow of things. And let be what will be.

My son and his family will be here in a week. I’m very excited. He keeps calling me to tell me which of his favorite foods he wants me to make, or which places he wants to go. I am obviously going to be exhausted when he leaves, but happy. I told him he was only here for 6 days. He said, “Oh I know. I’m just throwing stuff out there as I think of it.” But he knows we can’t do it all, and that I have a budget. I think the highlight will be for him, taking his family over to my sister’s house. She has a beautiful old-style Florida house, with a lagoon type pool hidden in the back yard, and a private apartment for them to stay in. We’re only going for a night, but it will be fun.

I had such a nice visit with my sister the other day when we met for lunch. We sat and talked for 3 hours, about everything under the sun. She worried about taking up a table in this small cafe which was pretty busy because it’s tourist season here and everywhere is busy. But the waitress kept telling us it was ok, she’d let us know if they needed the table. It was good for my soul, I felt reconnected to her. I haven’t been to her house in ages. I’ll sleep in the bed my mother slept in when she lived there. It’s always full of good vibes, lol.

I’m not mentioning Dan on purpose. We are engaged in an ongoing conversation and I have no idea where it will end up. But it’s been good to be able to have this conversation, this close communication. So, I’m just going with the flow on it, and let happen what will. Just holding things close to my heart right now.

There’s a lot going on at the moment. I can feel an energy shift for sure. It seems like a good one, a positive shift. The focus becomes a little clearer all the time.

Love and light to all.

Not much going on in this world on an early Monday morning. The Chiefs won the Super Bowl, Trump thinks Kansas City is in Kansas. The impeachment has a few hours before it starts, and it’s basically over anyway thanks to a bunch of gutless, spineless Republicans in the Senate who don’t give a damn about this nation, or the Constitution but that’s not news. It’s an old story which we can only change at the ballot box in November.

I had the Super Bowl on for a bit, maybe up to half-time, while I did other stuff. I tried to catch the commercials, but none of them were really making me laugh, they were just commercials. I watched the half-time show, but it didn’t tickle me either. Watching a couple of middle-aged women who are in great shape shake their asses at the camera just wasn’t my thing. It didn’t help that I don’t really relate to their music either. Miss the old days, with the Rolling Stones and Bruce Springsteen half-time shows. So in the middle of Jlo’s bit, I flipped on Amazon and watched Daybreak.

I had a long texting thing with Dan yesterday, which he started because he is so offended that I won’t talk to him in public.  Or wouldn’t. He began texting me at 5 AM. Even though the conversation was obscured by the anger we both felt, we talked enough that I was intuitively clued in as to his thinking, as to what drives him. I had this epiphany, in the midst of his insults and defenses, and suddenly was able to see the whole picture of his life, like slides falling into place in an old fashioned slide show. Or like a movie with all the scenes in the correct order so that it finally made sense. I told him what I believed the truth was, and he didn’t deny it. He didn’t confirm it either, but lack of denial from him when he’s angry tells me a lot.

The most interesting thing I learned was that he, just like my ex-husband, believes that love is earned, not freely given. All kinds of love, with none of it is unconditional.  Which, knowing his family, I can fully see. And knowing that, and what the truth was about some of his dysfunction, all I feel is sorry for him now. I mean, really sorry for him. No BS, as I said to him. I have not cried at all during this break-up. But yesterday I did for a few minutes. But not for myself but for the sadness of his life. The choices he made which have led him to his isolation, his lack of compassion and empathy. I know that he never got that from anyone in his life. His value of himself is based on the approval, which to his mind is love, of those who use him. God, it’s so sad, even now.

So I texted that to him, I told him if he should want to ever talk about it, about the truth, I will listen. And I told him I can speak to him in public or private now, because I was given a crack in the window, to see the truth. I know that based on this thing about having to earn love, I have no place in my life for him on any level but a shallow friendship. Imagine telling your spouse or partner or child that they have to earn your love by doing for you. Wow.

He also told me that because I’d gained “35 lbs” I was no longer attractive to him. I corrected him. I gained 20, just like he did. I suppose it looks worse on me, as I’m 5’7″ and he’s over 6′.  And it didn’t change my whole appearance, which he claimed. It was such a superficial defense of indefensible action. So shallow. I don’t know anyone who would split up a relationship over 20 lbs. That’s when it started to become clear to me, how he has taken on these shallow and superficial attitudes as if they were true, instead of looking inside himself and finding the truth, and dealing with that. His weight was never an issue for me, I loved the man he was, or, more correctly, that I thought he was, that he represented himself to be in the beginning. He’s still overweight, even though he says he’s lost 10or 15 lbs. He’s big enough that it doesn’t show. But it’s a moot point. It’s not why I loved him, and isn’t why I am out of love with him now.

Just sad. He’ll never find happiness, and in fact, has told me he’s never really been happy in his life. Wow. Just wow. I will still be there if he ever wants to try to break through and look at the truth, because it will be a hard day, a really difficult moment should he get there. I’m confident he won’t. But I can talk to him if I run into him and harbor no anger. His life was destined to turn out this way. Mine is not, nor do I want to be around someone who tries to drag me into their hell. Should he ever want to sprout his wings and fly, I’ll be happy to help him. But otherwise, we have nothing in common.

I slept so well last night. I think it was having all this stuff fit together, and make sense. I went to bed with no angst about any of it. And woke up the same. It’s a wonderful thing, to sleep well.

I hope we get some work done on this boat this week. If he doesn’t want to deal with it, I will do what I can while it’s parked here in my yard. Get it cleaned up, take some pics, get an ad posted. I don’t know where to advertise it, besides FB marketplace. I am unfamiliar with the boating periodicals or website for Florida, but I’m sure there are some.

Lots going on this week. Lots of things to do. I’ve been practicing for the sound healing we are doing next Sunday at the beach, and need to just keep that up. It will be easier for me I think, without Dan there who doesn’t believe there are any healing properties in it, despite the many people who have come up and shared their experiences with me, and despite my own many profound experiences from attending them myself. If he can’t feel it, it must not be true, is I guess how he thinks. It’s too bad he’s built such an impermeable wall around his heart.

Here’s to breaking walls down, not building them. To allowing people in, by actually showing up and letting yourself be seen. To allow yourself to be vulnerable so you can take a chance on being loved, instead of spending your life afraid of it.

Here’s to living. Not dying while you breathe.

Love and light to all.

Wow, yesterday was quite a day. I got so much done, like cleaning up the used car seat for my step-granddaughter, vacuuming the kitchen floor from all the stuff that tracked in from yard work the day before, running errands, talked to one of my good musician friends on the phone for awhile, and good thing, I almost went to the wrong venue tonight to see her and her husband.

My friend who does the sound healing with me came over in the afternoon so we could practice. It’s really me who needs the practice, although she is taking over the crystal bowls too, instead of just the Tibetan ones, so she needed to figure out which mallet to use, where to place them all. We decided on some re-arranging of the instruments.

I am the one who is slightly nervous because I’m doing all the other instruments alone for the first time. I am worried about the sound being loud enough to carry outdoors, about the crowd getting the same benefit from one gong that they got from 2 gongs. But I think we’ve got it mostly figured out. Now I just need to continue to practice playing the ocean drum in concert with the small gong mallets called flumies, that create the wonderful sounds like whales, etc. My friend is so positive, she keeps telling me it’s going to be awesome, and that less will be more in this case. I think I’m beginning to believe her.

After I took her home (she is legally blind, and so doesn’t drive) I came back and made some really good Chicken Tortilla Soup. I’ve made it before, but I think this time was the best I’ve ever done. I have a bunch of it now, enough for dinner for a couple more nights, and maybe enough to give some away. I haven’t had any interest in cooking really, since I got back from the cruise, due to being sick, breaking up with Dan, having a ton of company. Anyway, it was great to feel like making something good for myself.

I sat down on the couch just in time to see the Senate vote to destroy our democracy. The Republicans are just a shameful, gutless bunch of Trumpian robots. Two had character. The rest need to be voted out. The truth was never a question for those 51 senators, only that they keep the pretend monarch happy. It makes me sick.

Today I might go to a seafood festival a few miles from here on St. Pete Beach if it stops raining. And tonight I plan to go to listen to my friends play for a bit. Three different performers are at 3 different venues tonight, so I have my choice, again, if it stops raining. They are all outdoor venues, and it’s chilly to boot, so I guess I’ll have to decide later. Tomorrow my writers’ group comes here, and that’s always so much fun.

And the Super Bowl…I am not a big football fan, though I am glad to see a couple different teams get to the Super Bowl. I’ll probably watch Jlo and Shakira. If I watch the game will depend on if it’s a blow-out or not.

So onward. Our lives are what we make of them. I love the life I have, and I love living all alone. I’m actually surprised how much I like it. There is a meme I shared on FB that says “A woman who knows what she brings to the table is not afraid to eat alone.” I think that is where I’m at right now. And please remember, it’s never too late to begin creating the life of your dreams.

Love and light to everyone.

I have had a bouquet of silk sunflowers for maybe 25, even 30 years. They were on a small table on the staircase landing when I was married. They moved to my kitchen table when I moved out 13 years ago, and still now, sit on my kitchen table in Florida. They are my favorite flower, because I cannot help but feel happy when I look at them. They will brighten even the darkest days.

I tried to grow them once or twice, when I was married. We lived on a lake, and the lot was very wooded. There was not much sunlight, but still, I tried. I guess the birds ate the seeds, or something ate the sprouts. I found one growing across the street, in the woods, about 6’ tall and guessed that whatever took the seed, dropped it there. No fertilizer, not much sun there either, but the will to grow into a full sunflower must have been strong in that one.

And so it is with people too. Sometimes we get uprooted, and planted somewhere new, somewhere we don’t know, and have to learn to thrive again. Sometimes it’s emotional. We stay in the same place physically, but have to adjust to a new world inside ourselves as our circumstances change.

This is, I think, what has happened to me in the last month or so. The world I thought I lived in was brought crashing down, blindsiding me. And now, after taking many deep breaths, and regaining my balance, or at least beginning to, I have begun to adjust to my new life, and appreciate it, and like it. I’m standing, once more, though I am doing it with the help of my good friends, who allow me to use their shoulders to keep myself upright at times. Every day, I am stronger, thanks in big part to these friends.

I think they all know I’m strong, and will not ask them to forever hold me up. They know too that in difficult times in their lives, I will be there with a hand to help them up too, or a shoulder to lean on. We dry each others tears at times and turn the tears into sweet laughter.

Now I just need to be alone with myself for a while. I don’t know how long. But I need to dig deep inside of me, to rediscover myself, to find reasons to believe I have value. Or see if I do, actually, have value and determine what I need to change, and what I need to keep.

I still have a lot of anger and hurt in my heart, and I want neither one. I am trying to let the anger go, and the hurt is fading. I’m sick of throwing epithets at the man who did this to me, and of being on the receiving end of his. I don’t hate him, but I want to steer clear of him as much as possible, until I don’t have that visceral reaction when I see him, of anger, dislike, judgment. I know that he is not self-aware enough to have realized what he was doing when he did it. He let the anger take over his mental abilities. I cannot imagine spending 30 years of my life alone, and not coming out of it somewhat unbalanced.

Humans are social animals, we are not designed to be alone. We are designed to be, and indeed are, all connected to each other.. Trying to break that connection is so destructive to not only the isolated person but to all of us.  A chain’s strenth is only determined by its weakest link.  We all need and crave that connection, no matter how tough we think we are. That toughness is the ego talking, telling us we don’t need anyone. The ego has never really directed us in a positive way, except to keep us from running in front of a bus. So much better to listen to your soul, and do what you can to reconnect if you’ve broken the connections, to let go of the ridiculous idea that you don’t need anyone, and welcome all people into your life. At least, those that pose no hazard to you. You may have something to learn, there are lessons in everything.

The thing I struggle with at the moment is why I’ve been so willing to fall in love with someone without considering all the facts. I don’t want to do this again. I want to be able to stand back enough that even if I really like someone, I won’t try to make them happy at my expense ever again. It diminishes us both. I can be friends, but more intimacy than that has to grow slowly with me now. I am too old and have to few years left on this earth to be on an obsessively constant search for love. I’ve changed so much in the last 3 years, and now that I’m alone I can see it, and not always feel like I have to defend myself. We need to see clearly why we do what we do and not fool ourselves, like I have done way too many times. (Even once is too many….)

It’s a move forward. Yesterday I got a text from Dan who was continuing the text conversation we had two days before that got so ugly. I told him, I’m not going to do this. I’m not going backward, I’m not going to revisit an ugly conversation that is now past. The time for him to have read what I had to say (because he didn’t at the time) was not yesterday. It was the moment it happened. To stay with it, to let it lead where it was going to lead, and not be afraid of it.

One of my favorite sayings is, “Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.” That should be true for everyone. I mean yes, look back if you are trying to understand the lesson, but don’t move in back there and set up housekeeping. The house has been torn down, the road backward leads nowhere. I am here, right now, as Ram Dass titled his book, Be Here Now. Figure out where you want to go from here, not where you wished you’d gone from there.

So, that’s what I’m endeavoring to do. Be here now, not there, not wishing that things were different, but trying to figure out where I’m headed now.

Love and light to all.

“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.”

I was reading a bunch of quotes this morning on peace when I clicked a link on FB to www.wakeupyourinnermind.com.  I don’t know who said this, it wasn’t attributed to anyone.  I guess I was attracted to it because, even though I was relaxed last night, I woke up with dread in my heart, because I am still reeling, deep inside, from the recent actions of Dan. Actions I never thought he was capable of. My peace, my inner peace has been so shaken.

I realized when I read the quote that I have allowed him to disturb my peace. I think my plan for today, to spend time with my sister, and friends will help. I think focusing on my solo sound healing at the beach will be good. Focus on the things that bring me joy, not pain.

Really, it is because we have this boat in my front yard that we need to resolve and get some money back for it. When I add it up, I am aghast at how I let myself be duped into spending that kind of money, money I didn’t have to lose. Not realizing that Dan doesn’t seem to worry about losing money, until it’s too late. He is so financially irresponsible. I was too, in this case. But I thought we were partners for life, and we’d be ok. So naive I was. It’s upsetting me deep in my gut, how I allowed his interests to take precedence over mine.

Never again. Never. Never.

I guess what I have to do now, is first accept what is. I’m not as good at that as I thought I was. I may get a little of the money back, but I’m pretty sure I’ll never make it to Italy. That was the only thing on my bucket list. Not a boat, I did the boat because he wanted it so bad. To think I was considering buying a house with him. Wow, very glad the universe put a halt to that! I can make more money. Maybe it will be the path of the sound healing, Maybe if I begin to actually work at my etsy site for my jewelry (www.sundogsdesigns.com) I can recover some money. Maybe I can get a job somewhere, for 20 hours a week. I’m still capable of working. And what is, is that I may have to do that. I should do all 3.

Here is this morning’s path. I allowed someone to control my emotions, on a much grander scale than I thought. And now I have to become extremely proactive on my own behalf, to deal with this. I have a path, I have abilities, I have ways in which to supplement my income, I just need to do them. I think that when my company is done coming, I am going to focus like a laser beam on these things and get back on my feet. The boat should have been dealt with by then, after which time I’ll have no reason to interact with Dan. I’ll see him at venues we both go to, but I can stay away from him. I thought we’d be friends after it was all over, but I can see that’s not possible. It is what it is. It’s too bad. But I really have other things that are more important to me than spending time trying to heal a rift I didn’t cause. I see now, quite clearly, his stunted emotional status. His shallowness, his self-centeredness. And most of all, his ability to act, and not let anyone see him.  Never get involved with someone who has been alone for more than 30 years.

In my less shaken moments, I just feel sorry for him. He once told me he doesn’t think he’s ever been happy in his life. What a sad sad state. Yesterday at my friend’s meditation, I used the whole time to send him reiki and said the ho’opononpono for him. If I’m a mess from all this, and I am pretty stable, pretty cognizant of who I am, and what I need, and what I believe and can stand up for myself, I can’t imagine where he is. He who hides all his emotions, refuses to look at them, yet, has all kinds of physical ailments because he won’t deal with them.

So I guess I’ll continue to do what I can from afar, but stay away from him and his ultra-negative energy, which is all focused on me at the moment.

I was blindsided by him. But I’m strong. He had me face down in the dirt, but I’m rising strong. No one will ever get me to do their bidding at the expense of my dreams again.

Love and light to all. Even him, who needs it the most.

There’s tired. Then there is totally exhausted.

Tired is this: I didn’t sleep well last night. I just walked 2 miles. I just cleaned up the kitchen after making a really nice dinner. I stayed up too late. You get the idea.

Then there Is complete exhaustion, physically, emotionally, mentally. Not spiritually, thank goodness, but this past month has taken its toll. Coming home sick from the cruise from hell. Then the holidays, spent alone and sick. Sick for 3 weeks. Then Dan on his rampage, his burning desire to break-up that he couldn’t do with any decency. I was like a bystander, watching him create chaos, instead of just talking it out. Then a week’s worth of company. Add lots of commitments to friends to attend their events, which I enjoy, but there was so much the week I had so much company. And in between, with any spare time, I’ve been working my butt off at home, doing stuff that has been let go because I was constantly going up to his house half the week. (I can get ignored there as well as my house, I found out.) I’ve been cleaning in the corners, emptying cabinets, rearranging closets, moving furniture, enduring a diatribe by text from Dan yesterday, and finally, getting my lawnmower started and getting the lawn mowed, today.

Tonight I am just worn out. I enjoy being busy, it keeps me from thinking about things I’d rather forget. I don’t know what happened to him, why he couldn’t just leave it be. He orchestrated this break-up….he got what he wanted. But it wears me out. I learned long ago (with my ex-husband) that you can’t make sense out of nonsensical behavior, and I’m not gonna start again trying to do that!

But I am gonna rest. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with my sister, and spend some time with her. I haven’t in so long. And I miss her. Whatever the reason, I will be glad to reconnect, so to speak. I’m gonna take the day off, from all this crap, and re-energize. And go to open mic tomorrow night and hang with my friends. It’s just what I need.

We all do this to ourselves. Particularly us women, who have raised kids, taken care of the house while we worked full time, did the shopping and the cooking and the laundry. I think we often go until we are ready to drop. If you are lucky, or maybe just wiser and chose a better mate, you had help with some of this. I envy you. I would have liked to have a partner to grow old with, but it’s not in the stars for me.

But this isn’t about whining. It’s a reminder of what I’m capable of. But also, of the friends I do have. Many. My circle of friends has always been there. I have 3 circles, one from school that just visited me. The ones from CT, who stay in close touch with me, and my new circle here in Florida of wonderful people. I was so happy I got the lawnmower started today, I put up a post of FB. So many people commented, I was surprised, happily. That’s the kind of love that energizes a person. Makes you want to do more, learn more, connect more, love more, celebrate living more.

So tonight I’ll sleep, and sleep well. In my cute, quiet little house, in my comfy bed. Alone, and glad of it. Not letting any of the chaos, the monkey mind, in my head. Then go spend the day with people I love. Life is good, and I am blessed.

Love and light.

Yesterday was a crazy day, full of hills and valleys emotionally.

In the morning I was messaging my sister about a lunch date I thought we were having yesterday. Turns out I had the day wrong, and it was Thursday. She’s coming to St. Pete for her husband’s dr. visit, so she couldn’t change the day. I had made plans with Dan to deal with the boat on Thursday, so I texted him to change the plans. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, neither of us has a tight schedule.

He chose, though, to start an argument with me about the boat being low priority. Then went on to try to put the blame on me for the predicament of this boat, all the money spent, and time, and what a total waste it was. Of course, I wasn’t having any of that, or at least not more than my share. In my opinion, neither one of us had any idea the cost would be so high to get the boat running, but as the guy who fixed it got into it, he kept finding more and more things wrong with it. I never blamed either of us. Dan, who paid for it, now wants to assign blame to me, whatever.

But he got ugly with me, started personally insulting me. I wasn’t having it, and I got ugly as well, and then asked him if he wanted to keep it up or if he’d had enough. Apparently he hadn’t, because he kept it up. It was so nasty, but I know it was a reflection of how he sees himself, and really had nothing to do with me. Fear projects, love extends, and he was doing a masterful job of projecting. I almost blocked him but didn’t because we need to deal with this stupid boat, so we need to communicate until that is done.

About a half-hour after he stopped arguing and insulting me, he sent me a text saying he was coming down this way and when he was done with what he had to do, he wanted to come over here and take me to bed because he thought it might help with our anger issues. WTF? I mean, really, WTF.? After all the horrible things he said about me, made up about me, he actually thinks (because he pled with me, “please, I’m serious.”) he comes up with that? Take me to bed? I told him to stay away from me in no uncertain terms.

When it was finally over, I was sitting at my kitchen table, shaking my head. Actually feeling sorry for him because he obviously didn’t realize what he was doing during this whole break-up. I heard a knock on the door and jumped up, terrified he had driven down to my house, but he wasn’t there. Instead, my BFF was there, who just stopped by! I was SOOO glad to see her, I told her the universe was taking care of me, having her stop by.

She wasn’t here long, less than an hour. But talking to her always helps. I couldn’t have any wine or anything because I had an appointment at the medical marijuana dr to get my medical card. Pot really helps my insomnia, and the CBD’s really help my joint pain. Other than those 2 things, I don’t use it much. But I’m glad to have it legally, so I don’t have to worry about it ever.

It seems that while Daniel did his best to hurt me, the universe did it’s best to counter that. I probably, in the end, hurt him as much, and for that, I’m sorry, though I made up no lies at least. Sometimes I just can’t take it. One of the reasons I got approved for medical marijuana is that I still have some PTSD from my ex-husband. It’s mostly gone, but some things still trigger me, and Dan did yesterday. Big Time. His judgment is poor, and while he doesn’t lose his temper often, when he does, it’s incredibly ugly. Plus, yesterday, he was a little crazy, which was scary to me, with his let me come take you to bed idea. I’m afraid he’s losing his mind. Hope he can pull himself together. He’s a hot mess.

The day was full of lessons and blessings, and at the end of the day, I was surprisingly calm. Probably from purging things I’d been holding onto with him, but not wanting to say, because I never wanted to hurt him. But maybe he needed to hear them. I’ll never know.

This morning my BFF from CT Facetimed with me for a while, early. She didn’t have to go to work today and saw me on FB. That was really nice to catch up with her. She’s started a Mindfulness practice, teaching others how to be mindful. I’m happy to see her on this path. Another blessing, to have good friends who want to talk to you early in the morning, and not about politics!

Again, I am blessed. The universe is conspiring on my behalf, and doing a wonderful job of it!

Love and light to all.