Category Archives: Emotional Freedom

Hockey Lessons

Posted on by learning to live like water

hockey lessons

Geez, I had a good day on WP.  Not a lot of visitors, or likes or comments, but like double the normal amount of views.  I have no idea what caused it, someone was reading old posts.  But it gave me a lift, it’s nice to see interest, although a few likes would have been nice, lol.  But then, maybe it was someone who didn’t want to register. 

Whatever.  Brene Brown says the world needs us to share our creativity, and this is mine, at least it’s my most passionate creative effort.  So I am happy for a day when twice the normal amount of my blogs are read. 

I got my hair done tonight. It’s such a treat to have it done.  Feels like pampering myself.  My hairdresser has two young girls who play hockey, and since my son played for 10 or 12 years, we have a lot in common.  I so remember our lives being wrapped around that sport.  Crazy. Hours in the car, driving all over New England for a one hour youth hockey game and turning around and coming home.  It would have been great family time, if my ex hadn’t been such an ass, and had to “coach” my son by telling him about everything he’d done wrong and “motivating” him by telling him he sucked at the game.  Poor kid.  I tried to stay out of it, because that only made it worse.  But there were times I couldn’t.  To sit in that enclosed car for 2 or 3 hours and listen to him verbally beat up my son was unbearable at times.  So I’d interfere, and redirect my husband’s anger at me, and off my son.  About the time my son got bigger than my ex, and a lot tougher, my ex stopped.  It also helped when I moved out, because he needed my son as an ally. 

Luckily, my son loved the game, and played anyway, and actually became quite good in spite of his father. (It’s no coincidence he hasn’t talked to his father in about 5 years.)  Many years he played up a year to the next age group.  He’s a big strong athletic kid.   He finally had to quit to be free of his dad, but he learned a lot of good lessons.  How to think on his feet (hockey is one fast game), what team work is, commitment to something, to other people.  How you can’t bullshit your way through life.  If you throw bullshit around in that game you’ll get hurt.

And how to skate like the wind.

Well, life lessons for a young man from hockey.  Some for his mom too.  Maybe even for his father, if his father can sit down and own what he did.  But I doubt it.  He seems so stuck on a life that didn’t work out the way he wanted, despite his best attempts to control the behavior of everyone around him, via threats, and yelling, and brow beating, withholding….

He never understood that the only control he ever had over my son and I was the amount he loved us. And that never showed up at all. Both my son and I tried endlessly to earn his love, his approval, to meet or exceed his expectations. Never could. Not when he changed by the minute what he expected or wanted from us.

I don’t understand the mind set. Well…I do. He believes love is something you earn, not something you deserve just because you are. He used to tell me to “use” my love for my son to motivate him. To give it and take it away as a reward or a punishment.

Can you imagine? Geezus.

It was the main reason I left him, almost 9 years ago. I had to give my son a choice, I had to let him know there are other options, other ways to live that are joyful. I wanted him to know that living in a household where two parents can’t say a kind word to each other, and the father has a temper tantrum on a regular basis that included throwing things, and making messes for me to clean up, wasn’t normal. I needed it for me, but if I didn’t do it for him, I would have lost him, I know.

So, wow, I wasn’t expecting this blog to go here, but it did….

Better times started the day I moved out. There were rougher times, but that was the beginning. The end of the fighting, anyway. Except in court, we did that for long enough.

We have such a good life now. Just blessed, really. It all turned out well, I think we learned our lessons. I know that love is the overriding emotion in this household. And that’s the only way I would have it.

Love and light, all…..

 

 

 

Leaning In

Posted on by learning to live like water

lean-into-discomfort-1024x673

I’m a little fuzzy this morning, ever so slightly hung over from staying out and having that one more glass of wine last night. We had a nice time. The restaurant had a blues band playing, complete with a keyboard player, a couple of saxophones, two guitars, a drummer. They were good! We sat at the bar, talked to a guy who was a retired attorney for awhile. Nice guy, but obviously still angry at his wife for custody issues when he got divorced, and his kids are adults with kids of their own. Talk about holding on to something.  He was my age, but I think his interest was in my 50 yr old friend, lol. Whatever, we had a nice time. It’s always nice to get out.

My friend and I are in sync with our relationships, both of us having ended one in which we were passionately in love. We can relate. When I got home I was actually missing S, and in my weakened, too much alcohol state, it was all I could do not to text him. I wrote about it instead, but chose not to publish it. I figured I might feel different when I woke this morning. And I do. It was a wave, it wasn’t a permanent state of being. A week ago I never thought I’d ever miss him, lol. And today, I don’t miss him, not that way. I’m pretty sure yesterday’s work on understanding what was going on was just stuff that came up with the help of the gongs, that needed to be sat with, so it could dissipate. It seems to be where I am today. Learning to lean into the discomfort, and deal with it.

This is why I go to the gongs. They facilitate going deep enough, gently enough, in a safe, supportive environment, to allow the stuff that we need to let go of, show up, so we can let it go. The stuff we bury doesn’t die. We have to deal with it, in a healthy way, that is sometimes painful for the moment, but leaves you free to move forward. So yesterday was a kind of rough day, but totally worth it and it ended well.

It was so warm yesterday, so spring like! Almost 60, after being below 0 just a week ago. It was nice to go out and not have to dress in so many layers. Today promises to be the same. It’s bright and sunny out. Such a nice break from winter.

The friend I was out with is the friend who knows someone who might want my house. She told me last night they are very interested, and will probably want to see the house in the next couple of weeks. Which means, I have to continue the deep cleaning I started last week. I took a bunch of pics yesterday of the outside of the house, and my living room, and sent them to my friend. This would be so amazing if it worked. If it gets to the point of them wanting to see the house, I’ll have to get one of those “For Sale By Owner” kits, lol. I’m beginning to think the Universe thinks I need to get moved ASAP, lol!

Well, the coffee pot is on, I’m on my second cup. I need to shake the fog out of my head so I can get some productive work done on the house today. Maybe a couple ibuprofen would help, lol. I started the kitchen yesterday, but have a lot more to do.

I also want to do some cooking today. Making BBQ beef in my crock pot, and I’ve been dying for cheddar cheese cauliflower sausage soup. That will give me left overs for the week.

It’s amazing though to me, that with all this stuff to do, and with a slight hangover, I am motivated to get it done. Feel like I’m picking up speed on the walking away thing.

Love and light to all.

 

 

 

 

Setting Myself Free

Posted on by learning to live like water

freedom

Woke unsettled this morning.  I think it’s him again, he is always so depressed before the winter solstice anyway, with the short dark days.  He’s suffered from depression for most of his life.

I want to say, well no wonder….look how he lives.

But I have to just let it go, it’s his to deal with. I did a meditation, I turned the energy back around to him, cut the cords, again.  Asked his soul to fly away and to leave me be.

I thought about his cold cold lies.  His beautiful blue eyes lying to me.  Were they laughing?  I feel sad for him, it all caught up to him, and I’m sure he’s having a hard time.  Well….so did I.  I’ve made it through, but for me it’s just a matter of recognizing him and letting it all go.  I can still see his soul, the one he won’t even acknowledge that he has. Knowing he could only do what he did, because of where his head was at.  I will always feel affection for who I know hides behind the chaos he creates for himself. But it’s like you might feel for a wayward child, not the love of a woman for a man.

He has to deal with his head being in that place, repeatedly.  Hurting people who loved him, killing off their love for him.  Leaving him alone.

Much harder to face.  He used to say he was impulsive, he didn’t have a filter.  And after would say, “Oh…man, I won’t do that again.”  He may want to rethink that lifestyle, and try to do things that won’t blow up in his face, and in the process rip lives apart.

But whatever he does, I need to actively pursue cutting the energy cords with him, sending them back to him, or into the universe.  Setting myself completely free of him.  It’s one thing to tell him about the concern over his health, but another to wake up feeling his depression over the state he’s in.

He never could let me go…so I have to set myself free.  The fact that we do not talk doesn’t mean that there isn’t intense communication being attempted at levels we cannot comprehend.

I have not heard from A again.  I may, when he leaves this woman’s house.  LOL.  I idly wonder if he’s still going to see the Michigan woman.  I hope he finds what he’s looking for, because I know that I could never be it for him.  I also know if I could have been…there would be no Tobi, no Michigan woman.  I hope he doesn’t make a mistake in his pursuit of a relationship.  He’s so impulsive, and he pushes things far beyond their natural state.  It’s like he feels he has to lock it up, or it will disappear, instead of letting it grow.  He told me the other day that I was the one who keeps breaking his heart.  I want to say….then let it be broken, and let it heal.  Like I had to to with S.  He wants to bury the pain.  He is not much more aware than S of the repercussions of what he does.

I sure know how to pick dysfunctional men.  Maybe the third time will be the charm, if I get a third chance.  LOL.  I’m going to use the law of attraction, and visualize the man I want, over and over.  Somewhere in the middle of that spectrum between total deception and total neediness.

Florida.  Maybe in Florida there is someone looking for a woman who can love, and be loved.  Who’s slightly outside the box.  And rather outspoken.  I see things pretty clearly, and am not afraid to talk about what I see.  It endears me to some people.

Even though I know energy can travel over distance, in fact, distance is not even a factor with energy, I feel like when I am moved to Florida I will feel free of all this emotional chaos.  I will have other, new chaos, as I resettle in a new place, without my huge support base.  But I think it will be a smooth transition, calmed by being close to the sea, and warm water, and family nearby.

I feel like I’ll be free there.  Finally.