Oh my, this woman Elizabeth, lived in my head when she wrote this. It is the story of my marriage. Except she expresses it better than I ever could. Check out her blog, she is nothing short of amazing.

I have been doing a 21 day meditation with Deepak Chopra and Oprah on becoming unstuck. Even though I have not felt particularly stuck, I find that his 21 day programs always give me something.

This morning, Oprah began with the quote about the rosebud finally opening when the fear of remaining tightly in a bud became greater than the fear of opening up. That kind of struck a chord with me.

I left my long marriage when the fear of staying became greater than the fear of leaving. It isn’t easy to walk away from everything you know, everything you have known for almost 40 years: a relationship, home, job, life….even my son at the time. But the fear was so great. The vision of my future was a black hole. I feared for my son’s life, if all he ever knew was the darkness so pervasive in that house. I had a wake up call one morning, and three weeks later I had a condo rented.

So I can relate to the rosebud.

I also felt that on not quite so large a scale a few weeks ago, the last time I talked to Scott. He had wanted to come see me, enough to call me and leave a dozen or so voice mails, and I finally called him back. Let me be honest and say that I would have loved to return to the days where we sat on my deck and talked for hours, and then…..did what we do. I know it would have happened. I was sure, am sure, that in the end, he would bring me great pain. The fear of the pain was much greater than the fear of never seeing him again. And so I said no.

I can live with that.

Change is hard. It is so easy to stay in our comfort zone with what we know, even if it’s not good. My marriage was not good for so long, years, yet I stayed. I stayed because I was committed, because my son was young, because I couldn’t see a way out. But eventually I had to find a way, when the fear of not changing became greater than the fear of change.

With Scott….it was different, but the same. I knew it wasn’t good, all last summer. Yet, the fear of letting go, was greater. So I hung in there, taking the scraps from his table. When I finally learned of the betrayal, I still was not emotionally ready to let go, and it took me really, until the last phone calls, a few weeks ago, about 9 months, to realize that I feared the pain he could bring more than I feared never feeling the joy of being with him again. So it was a change. A change in my perception. I think it speaks to why I say I still love him, always and all ways, but know I cannot have him in my life.

It is also why I am so grateful that I have the move to Florida planned, because I think the distance will make the pain of the loss fade. I still miss him, every day. I miss texting and talking to him, I miss his funny quirky sense of humor, and the way he made me happy I was a woman. But I don’t miss the fresh pain that an ongoing relationship with him brings constantly. The push and the pull that was the hallmark of our relationship. The insecurity. Better to love and let him go, and wish him well.

Change is so hard. I have chronicled so much of it here, and in other writing. It is the best way for me to deal with it, to put it on the page and let it work out the way that best serves.

So, like the rosebud, I move on. I’m changing my life in a great way at the moment. It’s the Physics of the Quest again. Leaving all that I know, seeing everyone as a teacher, trusting my instincts, my gut, and allowing it to unfold as it should. Not letting the fear get in the way of a rich full life.

Love and light, everyone.

Can I say, I’d like to get drunk tonight? And I can’t, really, because I have work tomorrow for one thing. For another….I can’t drink to that condition any more. Not for about 30 years, lol. But I’m spent, want to escape into oblivion. And another glass of wine, (I had one), would probably put me there, because I am so spent, so tired. Work….Geezus. Spread way too thin. Trust me on this. I won’t go into it. But last night I had dinner with my friend who retired last January, and she said, “I can’t even imagine what you are going through there.” because she knows what is being asked of me. As if I don’t have enough trying to get moving estimates, and trying to get my new medicare prescription drug coverage to cover a drug that will cost me $400 a month if they don’t cover it, and I obviously can’t afford that, not on the limited income I am on. Not to mention, thinking about beginning to pack stuff up, cancel reservations for my niece’s wedding I’m not going to. All that personal stuff, I know I have to deal with as it comes, it’s personal.

And nevermind dealing with so many huge changes at once. Changes I want, and I’m mostly ready for, but it’s all emotional.

Just the amount of stuff they are asking me to do while I’m training 2 new people. Geezus. Just sayin, why not stick a broomstick up my ass and I’ll sweep the floor as I’m walking around. Cripes.

Wine is the order of the day when I get home. I need the express lane to relax. I know its not good to do every night, and I won’t. But I did tonight. Just one.

I’m going to try to take some food over to my friend whose daughter was in the horrific accident. I’ve only talked to her once. She’s been working, running to the hospital, and without much free time to call me. Her daughter broke all her ribs on the left side, her collarbone, bruised her heart and lungs. Geezus. She was in ICU for at least 24 hrs. Then they put her in the step-down ICU. I think she went to a regular room last night. She has such pain breathing because of the ribs and bruised lung, she is seriously drugged up. My friend thought she might be home for the weekend. So, if she is I’m planning to make a whole meal and take it over there. With some wine.

One more day of the work week to get through. It’s going to be hot and sunny this weekend, and a HUGE part of me wants to get to the beach again. But really I need to stay here and begin to organize my stuff for this house.

We’ll see.

Love and light….

I’ve been trying to decide if I should tell my ex-husband that I’m moving. I rarely talk to him. I think it was maybe 3 months ago that we last talked. There’s the whole issue of my son as well, I will most likely have to tell him that my son is moving to CO if I tell him that I’m going to FL. I’d like my son to be the one to tell him, but I have my doubts that my son will. He has said he would talk to him before he goes, but he has said before that he would talk to him at Christmas, on his birthday, but never has.  It’s been 6 years since he last spoke to him.

I can’t blame him. His father was brutal emotionally to my son, and physically at the end. My son knows he’s sick, still…I can’t ask him to re-open old wounds that have not completely healed. I guess that I just think probably his father deserves to know, for no other reason than he’s his father.

His father is a sick man, we both know that. We know my ex is one very lost soul, that all the things he did were a sick man’s way of trying to keep us attached by force. I could go on about his illness, but it’s repetitive, I’ve written about him so many times.

I have thought, as I planned my move to Florida, “damn him. If he would have just worked, if he would have just not chosen to sink into alcoholism, if he could have loved instead of feared….we could have kept a home here and had one in Florida and remained a family.”

But there’s no point to that thought. We are here, we are not there. His choices were made, and still are made, and he is determined to continue on the path to self destruction. It breaks my heart, to see a man once so vital, and full of life, and successful at whatever he did, morphed into this sad lonely hermit living alone, with no one in his life, full of fear.

He’s a perfect example of someone whose family of origin never taught him that he is worthy of love and belonging, just because he exists.  His very successful family taught him that love was earned, not given, and could be taken away at any time.

I’ve tried with him, to show him a different way, but he still refuses to listen to me, no matter what I say. Just because a thought comes out of my mouth, he shuts it off. He is still all about power and control, and since he can’t have it with me, he refuses to listen to me. Yet…I know he remains tied to me in many ways. I know in his head, I am still his wife, just refusing to do things his way…..

I think of Marianne Williamson saying that relationships don’t end just because we are physically apart. I always thought of it in relationship to Scott, because he and I had, have, such an energetic connection. But it is also true of my ex. That relationship too, continues on other levels, even if we never speak.

Sad. So should I tell him? I guess I should. I guess the problem is it’s not a conversation I really want to have with him. It will be exhausting and I have so many emotionally exhausting things going on. I guess I have to dig down and find some love in my heart for the man, and do the right thing. Even if he never will. It’s always been on me to fix things in that relationship, to do what had to be done to move forward. Some things never change. This won’t fix anything, but I don’t think I’d feel right about disappearing off the face of the earth as far as he’s concerned. Or having my son do that.

Well, things to ponder. I have a little time to prepare myself for that difficult hard conversation. I always say I can do the hard conversations. This is one that I wish wasn’t necessary, because it’s not going to do anything but upset him, no matter what.

Love and light.