Take a good long look
At me. See me fly away.
You won’t forget me.

Listen to my voice
Telling you how I loved you.
Echoes in the void.

Feel my warm embrace
pressing together tightly
As we say goodbye.

You said you’d miss me
I know you do, I miss you.
I loved loving you.

Feel the connection
Always there, never broken.
Always remaining.

I wish you good things.
Love is the one thing that lasts
Always and all ways.

By Deborah E. Dayen

Picture from Google Images

I got my 300^th follower today! Pretty exciting! I know it’s not a lot but it’s a lot to me! So thank you Alexis Chateau! For being my 300^th follower! Awesome!

And it was especially welcome news today, because I have what I think is going to be a major problem with my house. The hot water tank seems to be leaking onto the floor. My inspection is tomorrow. I have a sinking feel I am going to have to buy a new one. Luckily it’s a hot water storage tank, not a hot water heater. It’s not leaking a lot, but it is leaking.

After this inspection stuff is over, I’m going to go full tilt boogie into sorting stuff out for moving. I think I’ll go at it one room at a time. Just sorting, and throwing stuff out. If I bring home some boxes, I can start packing as I sort. The storage area of the basement will be hard, lots of stuff there. Then the kitchen. I have to get some stuff up for sale on Craig’s List or just put it out on FB. The couches in my son’s room, the spare washer and dryer, the microwave, my deck furniture..

I made blueberry muffins from scratch this morning. Mmmm. Vacuumed, cleaned my son’s bathroom, ran an errand, cleaned up the water in the basement a few times, washed and folded laundry, read for a little while, talked to two of my best friends for an hour or so on the phone. Made a nice dinner for myself. So it was a good productive day. Would have been relaxing if it weren’t for the water in the basement.

It’s been unbelievably hot lately. We have already equaled the years average number of days of 90, and it’s supposed to get hotter this week. My electric bill is going to be atrocious. It was $285 for the last month. This house is too big…..Hopefully, the bill in FL will be 1/3 of that.

I guess things are moving along as well as can be expected. I have been drinking way too much lately, meaning, having a glass of wine every night, and more than one on the weekend. So tonight I decided not to, not to have any. I’ve been eating irregularly, having my wine…I need to get myself back on track or I will never get all this done. It sucks to be alone and doing all these major changes. But it would suck more not to do them. It will all be fine. 10 weeks from now I’ll be there, in my new house, starting my new life. Just gotta get through this stuff first.

Moving forward, one step at a time.

Love and light.

Everything goes deep with me. I don’t know why. I can lighten up, when I’m with people who don’t want to go that deep, but I always want to go deep. I want to find the very root of everything, and see how it bloomed.

I loved a man who used to say all the time, “Why don’t you just let it be?” It was like his theme song with me, Let it Be. He would laugh at me, and tell me, “There will be an answer, Deb….” But I had, have, an insatiable need to know the whole story, to see the whole picture.

An aside, one night while I was waiting for him, on the deck in my “sacred space” I was listening to music on Pandora. The song “Let it Be” came on. I immediately thought, “Oh, he must be here.” And turned around and he was on the steps behind me. I would say, coincidence, except I know there are none. It’s just the kind of connection we had.

I was way too deep for him, lol. Even though he was capable, and at times took me deep, he didn’t really want to share himself that deeply. Uncovering the layers of his pain was too scary for him. So much fear of being seen. But I saw him, I see most people. I still see him, even though I never see him. He knows I know. He stays away. I haven’t figured out yet how to really break that connection completely, but it’s stretched thin enough that for the most part it doesn’t bother me.

Once in awhile, like yesterday, it pulls at me strongly. Today, it’s just an undercurrent, I can let it be, let it go, today.

What is deep? I think I want to know my soul, and the soul of everyone else in my life. I see my son’s soul most of the time. There is still a little niggle there, wondering why his father treated him the way he did. But he can work through it, knowing what I taught him, that he has value because he exists. He has a right to love and belonging, and just because his dad was incapable of imparting it to him, doesn’t make it any less true. It was his fathers defect. Not his.

It was his fathers defect that he couldn’t love me either, and couldn’t allow me to feel the safety and security of true love. But I’ve known it before, I will know it again.

Deep. I needed to understand his father. I needed to understand Scott. I need to understand where my son is on an ongoing basis. I need to understand my sisters, my friends. I needed to understand my mother. My sisters and I, especially my older sister, couldn’t understand why Mom had to live such a hard life for 18 months. I went to the medium, and the medium told me she needed to learn to receive. Which made total sense. She was always giving, giving, giving. Her chair, lol, her food, her money, her heart. Never asking for anything in return. I knew that her staying here for those 18 months was the choice her soul made, and knowing why….what lesson there was for her in it, made it so much easier for me, and for my sisters. I told them both when we buried Mom.

I will search out reasons. Believing that the purpose of this life is to learn our lessons and evolve our souls, every time I have come out of a relationship, I have looked for the lesson. I have learned that the harder the lesson is to learn, the more valuable. With my ex, I learned the power of unconditional love. With Scott, I learned about trust, what creates it between 2 people, and what destroys it. What gives us false senses of security with other people, how easy it is to trust for the wrong reasons, and let the small seemingly insignificant betrayals go, ignoring them. I’m going to learn from my mother, and learn how to receive, now. I think it is a gift to have seen her pain in learning, it is a gift to me, to know that receiving is something just as wonderful as giving.

I wish I could see the lesson my ex learned. I cannot. He has retreated into oblivion. As far as I can see, he has chosen not to learn his lessons in this lifetime. Scott…..I hope I gave him a glimmer of what unconditional love is. It’s not his comfort zone, and he won’t stay there, but I hope it’s one of those things for him that he can’t un-know. That he will have to always go back to the idea that it’s possible, and that I gave it to him, and still do. I hope some day it is a comfort to him, not a burden.

I guess, I just don’t see a purpose in a shallow life. And trust me, at times I feel so shallow. I know there is so much more beneath what I have learned. I am sure I’ve just barely scratched the surface, but I’m trying to break through, to fill my lungs with air and dive. I know that the depths are full of amazing things, and each revelation is another light beam on the path.

Onward. I have a lot to do today. It’s time I get it underway.

Love and light, all.

I thought about sending him a text tonight. Yes, HIM. I was channel surfing, and found Joe Buonamassa on public TV, a concert at The Royal Albert Hall in 2009. And it was instinctive. Text him and tell him….

Luckly, just as instinctively, I shut that thought down. Why? Would I do that, text him. Because I know he likes Joe Buonamassa. He used to say, he just liked to say his last name. Lol. But he liked his music, he liked the guitar playing. S played guitar at one time, and had one, maybe 2, I can’t remember. I asked him to play for me, but he wouldn’t.

Anyway it was what I refer to as a dolphin moment. When I was in Florida a couple years ago, and saw a dolphin in the wild the first person I wanted to tell was him. Because he’d get it. I’d been dating Addie, because S had just screwed the prison whore and I couldn’t get past it. But I loved him anyway, and I just wanted to tell him.

He loved having me want to tell him. He loved my pain at missing him, at loving him, at wanting him. Loved that it caused me pain when he did the prison whore. And truth be told he still loves it, if he feels it. Like I have said before, he doesn’t feel loved unless someone is crying over him. I’m not, anymore. These days, if he’s reading the blog still, he is feeling that I love him, will always love him but don’t want him anywhere near me. Even if he’s not reading the blog he knows that. I have no way of knowing if he is or isn’t. I write as if he is not, because I never wanted to be censored anyway.

Whatever. I’m happy I shut down that thought as it entered my mind. I just wish that the thought wouldn’t enter my mind. Hopefully a change of scene will change that, keep it from happening.

Today I went in the basement storage area to look at what needed to be shipped to FL. A guy was here giving me the estimate. I saw a huge puddle of water on the floor, by the ventilation system, and hot water tank. I had no idea what it was. FREAKED OUT. The inspection on my house is Monday!

I called my bff and told her I need to rent her husband, lol. He came over and figured out that it was so hot and humid that the condensation reservoir from the central air was not pumping out completely, and was over-flowing. Geezus. Yes, it’s been over 90 here and humid for days. He managed to fix it. My hero. It is drying up nicely down there.

Been a kind of crazy day.

Love and light….A

This post is part of SoCS  https://lindaghill.com/2016/07/22/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-2316/

This is the first time I’ve EVER responded to a writing prompt….So I hope I’ve followed the instructions well.

Second….is the prompt.  Write about second.   Stream of consciousness.  Well here goes.

As in second place, second time, second choice, second, next to first. Second……

I know second place well, second choice well. I was in second place my whole marriage. Second to the cars, second to the boat, second to the business. My job was to be there, in the background, to keep things going. Make sure all the cogs were in the wheels, and all turning. I did my job well. Very well. He pretended he didn’t know I minded when I left. And I wouldn’t have, if I could have been first at some point. Just once in a blue moon, to know that me, our marriage, was important. Maybe when I was pregnant. Or about to deliver an 11 lb baby boy. Or maybe when I was the only one working, bringing in the only money our family had. Just once in a while. Maybe if I’d been even first in bed sometimes. Always his rules, his game. His control. His power. Idk. Just…you get tired of looking at someone’s ass all the time. Or something.

When I left him, he wasn’t even second on my list. He wasn’t on the list. I was over it. I wanted more.

So then my first relationship after that, I wasn’t first or second choice for a long time. We just were. There was no one else. Was I first then? I don’t know. I don’t care. It was good then. I fell in love with him, just being. Not caring who was in first or second place. It was just us, for a long time. Almost a year.

Then I fell in behind Betty, except I didn’t know it. Neither did she. Neither of us would have accepted that there was another one of us, had we known. But she was first. I was second. I was the one he ran to, when she wasn’t being nice to him, I think. Or maybe he just ran to me to keep me. He liked having a number one, and a number 2. He’d still have it if he could. He tried to keep me in his life, all along. On the edges, on the periphery. As number 2.

I finally gave up any hope that he would ever want me as first. I also began to see the perils of being the first. Not good. Not with a man who can lie and betray the way he can. You would never ever know. Second was the best choice with him. It allowed me to slip away, to move on with my life, to get out of the game. I think. I am not sure the story is ended yet. It hasn’t been long enough to be sure. But I’m moving, so I think that will enter into the game, and it will be over.

I won’t be second again, ever. I won’t be in the relationship if I don’t know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am first. And only. No more men who can’t love, no more men whose love is fraught with games, and dangers, and heartache and pain. No more seconds.

God this is hard, not to edit.

Then other second things. My house in Florida was the second house I looked at. I wasn’t even looking to buy, but it was perfect. Exactly what I wanted, what I dreamed of. I am the second daughter of a man and woman who loved each other and us, and nurtured love between us. My older sister made it possible for me to buy that house, that perfect little Florida bungalow in the town we both loved, close to friends, and close to each other. So being second worked out well for me as a sister. The middle sister.

There is a wine called The Middle Sister. It’s pretty good. It says on the label if you are the middle sister you have much more chance of having a wine named for you. Does anyone know if there is a Deborah wine? Or Debbie? But I like that there is a wine celebrating middle sisters. Although it could be one of 5 or 7…not necessarily 3. Still…..I like it.

I saw my second hummingbird today, in my lavender. I had my second sighting of deer in my yard this morning. I have been living my second life, as an adult. My post divorce life. It has been wonderful. Even with all the drama around that second relationship, this second life has been amazing. I wouldn’t trade it. I am about to start the third leg of the journey. I don’t know how long it will last. I don’t know what will be in store for me. I do know that I begin it much wiser, much smarter, much more full of love than I did my second. I know that the lessons of my second life will be important to me, to have a spectacular third life. I know my friends from my second life will join me in my third.

So my stream of consciousness goes back to that relationship…the one that I’m second in. And still, I think at times, like this morning, when I was changing the sheets on my bed, that maybe I should text him. Maybe I should say, “I miss you so much. Come see me.” For like a nano-second. Then I say, yes…so you can be second again. So if he comes, and you know he will run back to her and tell her so she’ll be jealous, and want him again, do you want to be part of that? Do you want the pain that he can bring, even if you miss him? Which is easier.

It’s easier to miss him. Always, it’s easier to miss the man, than to be with him.

So, seconds. They can be a measurement of time. Like, the second that I found out my ex was hiding an extreme huge amount of money from me, making us live like paupers. Like the second that I found my power in the divorce proceedings. Like the second the Supreme Court released its decision, calling him unconscionable. Like the second I walked on our boat and knew I wanted it. Like the second I walked in my house, the one I’m selling and fell in love with it because it was so full of light. It has been such a joy living here. The skylights fill the house with silvery light when there’s a full moon. It’s nothing short of spectacular in a very muted way. The second I first heard Beth Hart and Joe Buonamassa, and fell in love with their music.

There are so many seconds, nano-seconds that change our life. The seconds make being second inconsequential. For both men to choose me second was their loss. Their first loves will never love them in the uncommon and extraordinary way I did. Because I love love. I love being in love. I love extending love. And if they ever want some, they will have to step up to the plate. Never say never. But I think there is someone in Florida who is ready, willing, and able to step up and put me first.

Love and light.

It’s been hot here. 97 yesterday. Though, I told my friend out in Iowa, and it was 113 there. It never used to get that hot there. Global warming, I guess. 97 is pretty hot for here. Whatever, I love summer. 97 is summer. I wanted my son to go with me to an outdoor bar in town last night, but he wouldn’t go, said it was too hot to sit outside, lol. I said, how can you stay inside? Anyway, there was a breeze, and it was cooling down. But I sat on my deck instead and talked to 2 of my oldest friends on the phone, had pizza, drank wine. I had a lovely evening. Sat out til it was dark and the mosquitos started feasting on me, lol.

Today I have a couple people coming here to give me estimates on moving my stuff to FL. I’d like to get that pretty well organized, so I can just start packing. The inspection on my house is Monday. I am expecting it to go well, I don’t know that they can find too much wrong with this house. Nothing major. I know the gutters need cleaning. I am going to try to fix the linkage for a bathroom drain myself this weekend. It doesn’t look to be a big job.

I came into my kitchen at about 5:45 this morning, and there was a deer, a buck, in my yard. I love seeing them. It’s only the 2^nd time I’ve seen one in my back yard. But my yard backs up to woods, on a hill, so it’s not an uncommon sight around here. Yesterday a black bear broke into a mans house in a town about 30 miles from here! The man heard a noise and went into his den and there was a black bear in there, lol. YIKES. Neighborhood was close to where my sister-in-law lives. Just for fun, I looked up the spirit meaning of a deer crossing my path on Spirit_animals.com. Here’s what it said:

If Deer has crossed your path;

It is often a sign not to be too hard on yourself. Still the voice of the self critic and treat yourself with gentleness and understanding, be yourself and continue along your path. Seek out your inner treasures and use them generously to help those around you. Trust that kindness and graciousness will be well received.

We are also reminded that we cannot push towards change in others, rather we gently nudge them in the right direction with love and understanding. Lead by doing and showing the way.

Deer is a messenger of serenity, can see between shadows and hear what isn’t being said.

Deer teaches us to maintain our innocence and gentleness so we can share our open-heartedness with others.

That’s kind of cool. I like that.

I am having a hard time lately keeping up on people’s blogs. I’ll try to get caught up this weekend. Just so much going on. I think I’ll be better at it once I’m settled in my new home.

Love and light everyone.