One of my best friends daughter totaled her car today. She broke her collarbone and a couple ribs. She’s 25, a registered nurse. Probably on her way to work or home. If you looked at the car you’d think she never lived through it. Drivers side of the car completely smashed in. I can’t reach my friend, I don’t know if the daughter is still in the hospital or home. My friend is also a nurse, her other daughter is a PA, (physician’s assistant). So if she’s home, she’s in good care. But I wish I could reach my friend. She must be losing it.

I remember when my son totaled his car. He was 18, and totaled 2 cars, his and the other one. He walked out of it with a broken ankle. I was a basket case.  The investigating state cop told us that he’s never seen that much damage where someone didn’t die.  Just to add to the stress and tension, it was 4 days before I had to go to Supreme Court with his father, and we had to sit together in the damn hospital emergency room.) I lost my car in the hospital parking garage when I went to take him home. Such a mess.

I did that again, when Scott first told me Betty Boop was back in his life. Which he then denied, very convincingly, and then told me she was again, 2 weeks later. I guess that’s how I deal with stress. Lose my car in a parking garage. Now I take a picture of the level marker. Level E, Deb, not Level H.

Geezus. I hope I don’t do it again in the next few weeks. An awful lot going on, though it’s not traumatic, not terrifying. Except leaving my son in Denver, that will be traumatic. I can’t even think about it without crying. Even though I know he’ll be ok. Just a mom thing I guess.

Work was stressful today. Really bad. I hope tomorrow is easier. Just spreading myself way too thin between the two people. I came home with a headache, and that almost never happens to me. About half way home, I started to realize I wasn’t really breathing, and that I was so tense, the energy around me was thick with strain and stress. So I made a conscious effort to breathe. To acknowledge that I was now out of work, was here and now, and perfectly ok.

Then I went out to eat with my cousin, who bought me dinner. That was really nice. I wasn’t going to drink but decided to have glass of wine.

I think it’s time to call it a day. Go read some Jitterbug Perfume. Sleep will be welcome.

Love and light.

Daybreak, I was outside at daybreak this morning.  After a very long day yesterday, I was up at 5 am.  Filling out lists for movers of the things I have to move.  Trying to get a replacement card for Medicare.  Trying to email my dr. to get them to call my prescription drug coverage and get a drug covered that is not covered by my insurance.  Medicare is a difficult bureaucracy to deal with for sure.

At least I have so much to do, I’m not thinking about leaving which is really hard for me.  Not that I don’t want to go, but I’ve been here for 45 years.  While there’s a lot I want to leave behind, there’s a lot I will miss.  I keep reminding myself that I’ll be back in the summer.  I told my friends, I will move from house to house, lol, so no one gets too sick of me.

I just saw a hummingbird, around my lavender plants.  They usually go for the flowers in my hanging basket but this teeny one seemed to like the lavender.  Humming birds are a good sign, they always make me happy to see.

Even though I was up so early, I slept well last night for 6 hours.  Which, really, is about all I usually sleep.  Today will probably not be as difficult as yesterday.  The girl, who is replacing me was stressed yesterday because I had to give attention to the other new person.  I get that, my job is the hardest one of all the admin jobs to learn.  That’s not me blowing my horn, it’s also what my boss said.  It just involves knowledge of all three of our companies, and work for all three, and heavy customer service so you sound like you know what you’re talking about.  And they are kind of tech-heavy products.

I asked my boss if he would give me a good reference when I move to FL, since I will need to work there.  He said, you write it up, I will sign it.  lol.

A lot of people ask me how I will be able to stand FL in the summer when it’s hot and humid.  I say, “It’s been over 90 here for 5 days.  And very humid.  Is there much difference?”  Today it’s cooling down some, but by the weekend will climb back up there.  A friend and I might go to Block Island this weekend.  It’s about an hour ferry ride from New London.  Half the reason I go is for the boat ride, lol.  Just a small little island, but I love it.  Lots of good memories there.  We used to take our boat over and anchor in the harbor for a few days at a time. It’s a cute little town too.

The wife of one of the men I work with has had lung cancer for 4 years, and has been doing really well.  They are like family almost.  I love her, she is smart, and kind, and just a great woman.  He came back from vacation yesterday and told me that her good days are pretty much over.  She has new spots on her lungs.  They did a brain scan as a matter of procedure, and found 4 tumors in her brain.  My heart just aches for her, for him.  Married for 35 years, and they really really still adore each other.  He said they told him a year, maybe.  If she’s really lucky, 2.  I don’t know how he gets through the day.  He says, “nothing in life is guaranteed.  We just take it one day at a time and are grateful.”  But all the platitudes in the world are meaningless when it happens to someone you love.  She never smoked a day in her life.  She’s lived healthy all her life.  Who knows?  I suppose there is a lesson in there, for everyone.  We can’t know what the soul’s journey is.  I’m glad he could tell me, I don’t think he told anyone else.

It made me think how lucky I am, to be doing what I’m doing.  How I have no real problems at the moment.  Grateful.  Just grateful.

Love and light everyone.

I am reading this book, Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins. It was loaned to me by Scott about a year ago. Then I gave it back to him with only a few pages read, because…..Well, just because. I don’t want to get into that story.

I bought another copy for myself, off Ebay. Because the few pages I read seemed interesting and slightly, well, very crazily weird. But good. I couldn’t read it for a long time. It was banished out of sight when the shit hit the fan between he and I. I tried one day to read it, but it made me shake, I got so angry just holding it in my hands. I banished it to my bottom desk drawer for months, didn’t see it or think of it.

So, I picked it up a few weeks ago. No shakes, no anger. It’s actually fun to read now. It still is not really making sense overall. I’m about a third of the way into it. There are quite a few different stories that have not yet intersected, with a common theme of perfume and beets. Yes, beets. Well, nevermind, I haven’t figured out the beet thing yet. These stories take place in Paris, New Orleans, Seattle, the Himalayas. I think it’s the Himalayas.

But there is, in this book, some wisdom. It is in a discussion between 2 unlikely characters, in the shadow of a fictional mountain that rivals Everest. But I swear I wished I had a highlighter yesterday and today when I was reading it.

So here are a couple of the snippets of that conversation.

“I cannot believe that the most delicious things were simply placed here to test us, to tempt us, to make it more difficult for us to capture the grand prize: The safety of the world. To fashion a life of such petty game is unworthy of both men and gods.”

“A life with neither misery or pleasure is an empty neutral existence>”

“Poor little babies are so afraid of pain that they spurn the myriad sweet wonders of life so that they might protect themselves from hurt. How can you respect that sort of weakness, how can you admire a human who consciously embraces the bland, the mediocre, and the safe rather than the suffering that disappointments can bring?”

“Salvation is for the feeble, that’s what I think. I don’t want salvation. I want life, all of life, the miserable as well as the superb.”

Yes, well….me too. I want to FEEL. I want to celebrate. I want to be able to cry. I want to be able to put myself out there, fearlessly, fiercely and experience all that life can offer me. Yeah, I’ve been hurt. And I got knocked down. And I got up, and then I rise, and I thank the grace of God that I can feel, that I can hurt, that I can love, that I can allow what life has to offer in all it’s intensity. Like Rumi says, “You have seen my descent, now watch my rising.”

I could go into a long story about what I was told about this book when it was loaned to me. All I can say, is this part, this side story of this crazy tale, describes me, and the way I live. It describes vulnerability, and the risks I’m willing to take by putting myself out there, and the risks some people are never willing to take for fear of pain. It describes how some people stay in a situation that isn’t really good, and isn’t really bad, for years and years, because it’s their comfort zone, never to experience more. It enables them to stay numb. Numb to joy, numb to pain. Never allowing themselves to be really happy, or really in pain. But allowing themselves to be numb, to numb.

Maybe. Maybe that’s why. I suppose there could be 100 or 1000 different reasons why some people live like that. This was just a new thought for me. It may not be germaine to this situation. How could I know? I only know that some people keep on seeking ways to numb themselves. This is just another way. I could be right, and have some puzzle pieces in place or not. But it’s a new concept for me to consider. And very well could be the truth.

(I will say that what I was told about this book, and what I would perhaps understand from reading it, is exactly the opposite of what I expected, so far.  It wasn’t me I expected to be reading about. I know I’m being cryptic, but I don’t want to say too much here. Bear with me, it is personal. )

Let me just say this. I agree with Alobar. I live like Alobar. I’ve loved, with every fiber of my being. I was hurt, I was knocked down, left for dead. The object of my affection, and the cause of all that pain, was maybe numbing his emotions by doing us both. Keeping himself from getting hurt by love by treating love as if it was mediocre, from either of us. Saying, “look, I can have this with anyone, it’s not so special.” Keeping himself from feeling.

I got up, off the ground, I rose. And now? I hope to find someone who lives like Alobar who is out to feel all the ecstasy, and isn’t afraid that he may feel misery too. Someone who will surrender to the sweetness without fear, that the world offers if you have the guts to grab it.

Love and light, all.

I have to go to work early today.  They fired someone Friday night, who did good work, but had too many personal problems, and missed way too much work because of it.  I have to start training her this morning, and I’m nowhere near done training the girl who’s replacing me.  It should be an interesting 5 or 6 weeks.  I’ll just do the best I can.  I knew this was going to happen, it’s why I told my boss back in the beginning of May what my plans were.

Am feeling pretty relaxed this morning, content.  I was flipping through channels last night and found Eat Pray Love on one, so watched it for like the 100th time, lol.  I really only caught the middle, at the ashram in India, but whenever I watch that something different strikes me.  Last night she said she was waiting for her ex husband to forgive her for leaving, and Richard told her to forgive herself.  I know that my ex hasn’t forgiven me, he still feels blindsided, however ridiculous that sounds.  But I have forgiven myself, a long time ago.  I had to leave to save myself, and more importantly my son, and I feel no guilt over it.  I do wish with all my heart he could see what led me to do it, I wish he could own his part in it and stand in  his story and forgive himself.  But he still sits in his shame and his pain, and locks himself away from others.

Scott was a different story, but I know also that he has a hard time acknowledging his own actions, and forgiving himself, and loving himself, and I only wish he could do that, and move to a more positive path.  He is staying away from me now, and that’s good for us both I think.  But even better would have been for us to stay friends, it would have been so much easier. Maybe some day.

After the last little go-round, which Betty got me involved in, I re-blocked her email, and instead of any communication going into a special folder it will just be discarded, so I will never see it or know of it.  Because I just cannot get involved in that triangle again.  I have my own issues that I’m dealing with around it, and I think it is asking too much of me for her to want me working in her behalf behind Scott’s back.  I wish her love and light too, but she needs to leave me alone, and deal with the distrust she has of him by herself.  She’ll never solve it externally.  He may be silent for a year, he may never talk to me again, but will he be faithful to her if I’m out of the picture?  Only she can answer that for herself, in a way in which she’s comfortable with it.  I know what I think, but it’s none of my business.

I texted Addie out in New Mexico the other day and told him I sold the house.  He didn’t respond til yesterday, but said he was super happy for me.  Just one sentence, but it’s nice we can remain friends.  I hope he’s still happy.  He tried to fill the hole his wife left when she died with me, and I hope that with his new woman he did not just try to fill the hole I left when I broke his heart.  I worry that he’s just filled hole after hole, instead of going within.  But he seems happy, and content.  I won’t judge.  Whatever he did out of need seems to be working for him.  He’s a good man.

I love in Eat Pray Love when she comes to the realization at the ashram that “God dwells within me, as me.”  I tend to forget that at times, but when I remember, most of the angst I have over all the big changes happening in my life, goes away, or at least calms to a manageable level.  The light will illuminate my path as I go through the coming days.  There isn’t really anything to worry about.

Love and light, all.