Last night I said I didn’t like to watch the news anymore. I don’t think I need to expound on that. Man’s ability to be cruel to his fellow man is so mind-blowing, when with so much less effort, he could be kind. Who can understand the mindset of fear that lives in these people?

But I was reading Myworldshattered’s blog this morning, and she talked about people who don’t even consider the consequences of their actions until way too late. And then it’s just a matter of them getting caught. The remorse is not real. It’s only like the Rihanna song, “You’re only sorry you got caught.”

And I thought, same mindset, just one is way more psychotic than the other, but they are both pretty psychotic, really.

Scott got caught by me, and I made him tell her, once I had her name. Because she deserved to know what a liar and a phony he was. His remorse was deep, but his remorse was that she left him, not that he cheated on her with me, and on me with her. It was that he got caught and looked like the asshole that he was. He said to me, “it’s the story of my life, self sabotage.” Because he knew that at some point we’d all find out.

He loved to walk the edge. Told me when he was on the edge he felt the most alive. I told Betty, in an email, that “this edge-walking about killed me. Probably you too.” He told me after he did the prison whore, that he does things and when they go bad, that’s when he decides he shouldn’t do that again. Thing was, he told me about the prison whore, right away. IDK, maybe it was a test. Who the fuck knows.

But in the case of Betty and I….he had so much fun with it, he couldn’t let me go. I guess he just loved my adoration of him. But he played me again and again, after I knew, he tried to keep me singing the songs to him, he tried to keep my head wrapped around him. Even as late as 1 month ago, still cryptically trying to maintain that connection.

So, my head is not wrapped around him now, but thinking about shattered’s post, I think, just as a point of interest, relating to what she said, of whether or not he thought of the consequences. He did….I know he did, but he didn’t really care. When he got found out he got found out. He tried a couple of times to break it off with me, I tried 100 times with him although I was unaware of Betty then. But when he tried with me, he could never stick with it. He was always knocking on my door again. My God, the first time, he broke up with me at a park, so he could “be alone”, lol, yeah alone with Betty. Just left out the Betty part. But at the end of the day, he asked me to come home with him. He couldn’t stick with it. It was cruel, not to tell me the truth.

Why couldn’t he face it? Why couldn’t he let me go? Because he derives all of his self-esteem from the love that others give him. There is none within himself. If Betty loved him, he must be good. If I loved him he must be better.

It all stems from a feeling of unworthiness, a belief that he doesn’t really deserve love and belonging. So he sets himself up to fail, and to hurt people and then he can look at himself and say he was right, he doesn’t deserve it.

Which is just….so counterproductive. But he really doesn’t know. He really thinks he’s an evil man. He believes he loves the dark, even though he tries every day to let as much light into his house as possible, he loves the long days of summer and the short nights.

It’s one reason, the fact that he doesn’t believe he’s worthy, that I told him over and over, I love you, I will always love you. I can’t have you in my life, because you bring me so much pain, but I love you. You can take that to the grave with you.

I know his history. I want him to know that there is one person who loved him limitlessly. It’s just the way I am. I don’t want to engage with him, because as of now, he’s incapable of anything but bringing more pain. But I can give him that, unconditional love. He can know that there is one person who loves him just because he exists, that he has value in his very existence. All lives matter. But I don’t want all lives connected to mine (though, I think his and mine are and will always be connected on levels I can’t comprehend.)

Honestly, I don’t feel the attachment to him that I did. I just was thinking about shattereds post on healthy decisions and why some of us make them and some of us can’t. My decision to love him but not allow him into my life is a healthy one for me. I don’t hold onto hate and anger, because “it’s like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die.” But I also can’t allow him to come into my life again, and shatter me again. Too many times I’ve allowed that, it took me way too long to learn that lesson, but it’s learned.

I do think in shattered’s case….that he husbands behavior was just HIS way of dealing with the fact that he doesn’t feel worthy of love and belonging.  So he fucks as many women as he can, and thinks that each one validates his existence on the planet.  It will probably kill him in the end.  Crazy friggin way to live.  Another really stupid choice.

I’m going to Florida with a clear head about that whole situation. I can picture the man I will meet there, dreaming of it. And what you think about manifests. It’s always worked for me. This man will be funny, smart, creative, spiritual, and not a game player. He will be someone who knows who he is, and that he deserves love and belonging. Someone who loves himself and so can truly love others. He’ll crave what I have to offer, I will crave what he has to offer too. Maybe he’ll have killer blue eyes too, lol.

Well, onward, as Liz Gilbert says. It’s a good day for the beach. A good day to let the sea breeze fill my senses, and enjoy the love and friendship of two people with whom I am very close. 2 old friends, between us there are no secrets. So we can laugh and cry and help each other.

Blessed…so blessed.

Love and light, everyone.

I can’t stand watching the news any more. This world is so seriously fucked up. How can anyone, ever, justify what is going on? It’s just enough to make me cry. Geezus.

I’ve been so emotional, and written so many words trying to sort all those emotions out, and I thought tonight I’d just take a break from the words. So, sitting quietly, watching a movie. Didn’t have the computer in my lap, wasn’t reading or writing. Just trying to escape into the movie. “Laurel Canyon.” Pretty good movie.

Then my son texted me from work. He said it was so slow, he wrote a poem about how fucked up his life is lately. He sent it to me. It was pretty damn good! Really though,  I love that he did it. I love that he wrote. He was always a gifted writer. He was not a kid who loved school, or excelled at academics. He was always the athlete. But…he was always in AP English, because he could write so well. I wanted him to go into sports journalism, but his father put it down, so that son never considered it. But I’m so happy to see him write. And to express himself so articulately about his recent break up. Like his mother, he was head over heels over the wrong girl. Got hurt, bad.  Just like me.  It was the 2nd go round with her.  Just like me.

I told him, it’s just a lesson now. Don’t let it make you hard. He seems to be listening to me.

The other night, when I sold the house, it took me awhile to calm enough to put my thoughts in words. So I was sitting here late, an hour later than I am usually up, and he walked by me and said, “Are you still UP???” I said, “Yes, I am writing a poem and I have one more line, and I keep falling asleep. But I want to finish it.”

I don’t think he realized, or maybe just didn’t think about how serious I am about my writing, until I said that. And somehow, he got permission to express himself that way too. He also expresses himself through music. He loves this electronic music, and has spent money on equipment and mixes it himself in his room. He uploaded some of his music to a site, and made the top 100 listened to on the site. I am so happy he has found things he loves, that he has a passion for.

But I’m really happy to feel, that in just this small way, he has a passion for the things I do also. It will comfort me, when he’s 2000 miles away.

Tomorrow I’m going to the beach with my two best friends. We’re leaving early, going to spend the day. Today I talked to one of them, sitting in the parking lot at the store, for a half hour. Then I was in the store and her husband ran his cart into mine, lol. But we talked again. She’s the friend who volunteered to drive to FL with me. And he volunteered today to drive a U-haul so I don’t have to pay a movers. I mean, really, how friggin’ blessed am I to have friends like this?

It makes it harder to leave, because they are making it so easy for me. God I will miss these people.

Today I cooked. It was 90-something outside, so I stayed inside where the AC ws on. I made a huge bowl of chicken salad. So will have lunch and/or dinner leftovers for this week. I made brownies. I cut up a big bowl of fruit, pineapple, mango and strawberries. I’m taking the brownies and fruit to the beach.

I will take a rest from the words tomorrow. I can’t sort out the thoughts. I need the silence of the sea, the rhythmic waves, the small talk of my friends. I need to stop thinking about what I have to do, for awhile. I need to stop thinking about a past that cannot be changed. And a future that has yet to present itself. I need to remember how to be in the present moment.

So that’s the plan for tomorrow. For now, I’m going back to watching a movie, maybe fall asleep while I do. I will sleep like a baby tonight, I think. I think I’ve emptied myself out and dealt with a lot of stuff in the last 24 hours.

Love and light all…..

Seeking direction
I pause, I breathe, I feel love.
I drift with the breeze.

The universe guides
me to the place of my dreams.
My footsteps are sure.

Things that went before
Needed to happen, I know
To bring me here, now.

Time to get busy
Preparing the way. Light speed
Replaces drifting.

My energy this week has been so chaotic. So emotional. One moment I’m elated. The next, I am envisioning myself saying goodbye to my son at the Denver airport in 7 weeks, and wondering how I will get through it. One moment I can’t wait to be in my Florida home, and the next I can’t imagine leaving this one, where I’ve been so happy with my son.

Change is so hard, for most of us. Retirement is a HUGE thing. Moving is HUGE thing. Your only child leaving home is a HUGE thing. And they are all happening at once for me. I went out last night intending to numb some of that emotion. Because it’s just overwhelming. I will work through it. It’s a happy thing, what I’m doing now. It’s not caused by pain and misery, but by a joyful realization of a dream. Still….

I left my ex almost 10 years ago. I had, then, to create a new life. I realized when I left him, that I thought that the absence of pain was joy. If he wasn’t angry with me, or lying to me, or manipulating mem in some way, even for a few hours, I would think, “Oh, this is so nice. To just breathe.” Not even realizing that my breath then was still labored, still expectant of the next wave of power and control to come.

So, I set about making a happy life when I left. I left my home on the lake where I’d lived for 30 years, and set about creating a life that made me happy, where my son could come and visit and experience another way of living. He came to live with me by his own choice, and we were living in a small 800 sq. ft. condo, but we were happy. We had to work through so much, and we did, we still do…but it’s pretty easy now. We have a bond that I’m sure can never be broken, no matter how far he lives from me.

I’ve made real honest friendships since that time. I only had a couple of friendships before I left my ex, but those friendships saw me through that difficult time. I began this spiritual journey, which I think has saved my life, and maybe my sons. I’ve fallen head over heels in love, had my heart shattered, and have put it back together by myself, alone. I’ve fallen, and I’ve risen, and I’m so grateful for all the experiences that I’ve had since I left that marriage.

I’ve learned that love does indeed never really die. My ex-husband, now….tugs at my heartstrings because I know what he could have been, but his demons were too strong. He still, after losing everything, can’t understand what happened to him. I feel enormous sadness for him. I wish he could find some small happiness in this life.

Scott….well, I still say, I love him always and all ways. I know that our relationship was probably never meant to last. I think we came into each other’s life to teach us lessons. I’ve learned mine, I’m sure. I don’t know still about him. His last text to me, just a few weeks ago, after I refused to allow him to come see me just because Betty had left him, said, he was sorry, but he was more sorry he’d ever let me into his life.

Lashing out at me, because I said no, to save myself more pain. Lashing out because Betty found out about his unsuccessful attempt to engage me. I stopped talking to him, then. And have not talked since. I cannot stand the rewriting of history, to somehow purge himself of blame. It wasn’t that he

let me into his life. It was that he could never let me go. No matter how many times I asked him. Even when I knew she was in his life. Every weekend when she was gone, he would text me, call me, want me to come see him. For months. It wasn’t me that barged into his life, it was he that would never let me go. Even this last go round, with the cryptic messages, late night phone calls, blog posts and comments…..were all designed to keep my head wrapped around him.

So, I feel for him. Because he can’t yet own his story, and what he did and why he did it. He still is determined to put it back on me. Me, whose heart he broke so completely, with a depth of lies that were beyond my ability to comprehend.

My story, that I have to own, is that I loved a man who didn’t exist, but could have, easily. I refused to see the red flags rising, and I refused to be strong enough to stay away when he called me back to him for months. I have the inability to see people’s humanness so often. I see their pain, I see their soul, I see their heartache. I see the best of them, never the worst. It got me in a lot of trouble with Scott.

And yet, I love his soul. And I always have, and I always will. But our paths separate now. He needs a game player, and I’m not one. The last lie I just undid earlier this week, was just another move by the players. Another one-up of him by her, payback for all the lies he told her. She told him I did something that I didn’t do. It was a manipulation of him. Just like all the times he’s manipulated her. I think that stuff has gone on between them for years. Which is why after 15 years they still don’t have a solid foundation. They can play all they want, but just leave me out of it. Don’t use my name. Don’t involve me in that sordid tale any longer.

I loved fully, completely, unconditionally. I still do. But my path diverges, I need to keep rising, keep evolving my soul.

I trust in the universe, to bring me all that I desire. The dreams I had with my ex, and with Scott….well, they will manifest still, with someone who is capable of rising and falling and getting back up, and owning his story about how he tripped over himself. Look at the way the universe has manifested for me. My house in Florida. A cash offer on my house here. Closing date when I want it. The buyer wanting my furniture.

And with the release of that last lie, what feels like complete non-attachment to that old situation that has plagued me for a year now. It’s over.

Why should I not believe that all the other things I dream of will manifest? Love is a powerful thing to feel, for yourself, for others. I try to live by extending love wherever I go. Not saying I’m successful all the time. But it’s a goal.

So much for hazy thoughts on a hot summer morning. Just settling down, reviewing my last 10 years. Making sure I know where I’ve been and where I’m going, and where I am. Especially where I am.

Love and light.

It’s midnight, and I’m not falling asleep! Wow!.

I just got home. My friend and I went out to dance, have a glass of wine. Relax. Burn off some of this “I sold the house!!!” energy. We went to the bar we like on Friday nights, they usually have a pretty good band. But they didn’t tonight. So we had a glass of wine and some nachos and went on to the Tiki Bar, which is an outdoor bar and restaurant on the lake in the town I live in. They did have a band which was pretty good, but it stopped playing kinda early, around 10 or 10:30. No matter, it was nice. Not too crowded. We got a seat at the bar. My realtor was there, and gave me a big hug. I told her I was out celebrating. The guy whose party we went to on the 4^th was there. We talked to him for at least an hour. My friend went to the bathroom and he started kind of flirting with me, kind of trying to feel out my reactions.

He asked me when the last time I went parking was, (after a long entry into the discussion about how he came from a a family of 10 kids, and his parents used to go parking to have some privacy, lol) I told him about 18 months ago. Maybe 15. Which was true. Scott and I…well one day he pulled his SUV over to the side of the road, back country road. We were there about 3 minutes when a cop came by. I said, “Maybe we should go home…..” lol. And we did…..But it was fun to remember. One of my fonder memories of him.

Anyway, this guy is not someone I’m really attracted to. He drinks and parties way too much. I know that because everyone in town, and at any bar we are at, knows him on a first name basis. He’s kind of self absorbed, in a funny benevolent way. He asked about times, “So you’re moving to Florida?” lol. It was fun, to be flirted with, to even have someone go there with me.

So, all is well. Had a good time in the land before time tonight, lol. .

What a difference the morning makes. The sun is out bright, in a clear sky, the moisture from last nights thunderstorm is rising through the trees. Trees, so many trees in New England. They grow like weeds here. Seriously. I told my son he needed to cut the grass, our back yard looked like a tree farm.

It’s so nice to know the house selling thing is done. To go back to living the way we always have, for awhile. Not messy but certainly with the toaster oven on the counter, lol. No more showings. No more wondering. I am losing so much money on the house, it took me awhile to actually understand that that was how it was going to be. I guess I’ll have a tax advantage for awhile.

So, I am making lists that I need to accomplish this weekend. I need to get prices from movers. I need to schedule an appointment with my financial guy to figure out what to to with the money I will get for the house, so that it best serves me. That will be it for this weekend because it’s going to be 90 all weekend and I’m going to the beach with my bff on Sunday. Maybe convene a meeting of the CT Beach Whores, lol.

I have a good weekend plan. I also feel better about my son this morning. I saw that there are plenty of nice rooms available to him. I will drive him out and spend a couple days there and fly back and finish packing my house. It will all work beautifully. I’ll miss him. But he’ll be ok. I’ll be better than ok.

This morning I am much more myself. Much more grounded. All the change is starting to settle and doesn’t seem so overwhelming.

Love and light, everyone. Have a wonderful day.

In a weird place tonight. I got the offer I wanted, Cash, I got the closing date I wanted. I am selling the furniture with the house, at least the furniture I can’t take with me. So I don’t have to try to sell it. I got the schedule figured out so I can drive to Colorado with my son. I gave my boss my exit date, August 26. I’ll be retired.

And I am, at the moment, scared. So much change. Just, so much. All of it orchestrated by me. It would have been so nice to have a partner to do this with. But I don’t have one. Bad choices, I’ve made bad choices when it came to men.

I’ll get through it, I always do. I’ll pick my way through the path, I’ll get done what needs to be done. I’ve never had a problem barreling through the work that needed to be done.

Unsettled tonight. Ungrounded. Unusual for me. Think I’ll just go to bed.

Love and light