I woke at 5:15 this morning.  Pretty much my normal time.  A few minutes later I got up, and a crack of thunder greeted me.  So, I’m not sitting outside this morning, but in my family room, as I do in winter.

Its so silent in the house. It’s closed up because the air-conditioning is on. No birds, or breeze, I can’t hear the rain falling. I used to turn the tv on, and catch the news. I’ve stopped doing that, I prefer the silence over all the political news, and finding out that man was once again inexplicably cruel and crazy to his fellow man. I live in a bubble most of the summer, and I like it that way.

I’m trying to organize this move. Tonight my son and I will talk, and try to get a schedule down of when he’s going, and who is going with him, and where he’s going to go. Meaning, where is he going to live when he gets there. He has a lot of work to do around this move.

In the meantime I have to get a price on moving my things. I talked to the friend who said she would drive with me to FL, and she said that September is probably a good time for her. I think Aug. 26 will be my last day of work. Then I can spend some time packing up, and going to Colorado with my son if that’s what is going to happen, and come back, finish packing and close the middle of the month.

My sister says I can stay at her place in FL as long as I need, when I get there. She won’t be there til October. But she has an apartment over her garage where my friend and I can stay til we get my house organized, which shouldn’t be more than a few days.

So really, my only worry is my son. A lot of that is letting go type worry. He’s been with me pretty much his whole life, except when I left his father and then he was only a mile and a half away. This is going to be so hard, having him so far away. And hard for him too. Add a little guilt into it, because he tells me if he didn’t have to move, he’d stay right here. I wish, right now, that he was coming to FL with me. 2000 miles is a long way away.

I do know that at 24, it’s time for him to spread his wings and fly on his own. He is not good with change, and would prefer to remain in his comfort zone, here. What he’s chosen is such a huge change. To be on his own for the first time, 2000 miles away, in a new place, new job. But then, I have to remember, in 1972 I came to CT with $80, no job lined up, no place to stay except my then bf’s, now ex-husband’s, parent’s house for a couple weeks. I know he can make it work. I have to trust the universe in this. And my son’s ability to think things through and make good decisions.

Now it’s on to finding a mover for my stuff. Getting some boxes and beginning to pack them up.

I can’t go to my niece’s wedding in Maine now. I just don’t see how I can fit a weekend away in, when I’m moving two weeks later. Just not going to happen. And I don’t really want to spend the $, which will be about $500, though I would if it wasn’t so close to my moving date.

So just musing this morning. I had to open the sliding door to my deck, and get some of the fresh air, and listen to the rain falling. Think I will go do my meditation, and see if I can’t get rid of some of this angst about my son.

Love and light, all.

Last night I undid a lie that had involved me. I hadn’t told it, but my name was used. Someone said I did something I didn’t do, and it has been bothering me for a while now. That’s what my poem “Shaking” was about. So, I undid it as simply and as best I could last night. I felt so much better, having undone it.

I am always preaching about standing in your story, and owning what you do. And here I was, complicit in what many would look at as a small, insignificant lie, but it was used as a manipulation of someone else, and I was letting it stand. As someone who went through decades of being manipulated by lies, and then all the lies of the last year, I just couldn’t remain complicit on any level. So I undid it, and removed myself from the situation.

I went to bed kind of unhappy about the cancellation of the second showing on my house, though. Even though I have another first showing tonight. I woke up this morning thinking, wow, does everything have to be so frigging hard? My marriage, my divorce, my relationship with Scott, ending that relationship, and now trying to sell this house? Well, I guess I forgot how easy it was for me to buy a place in Florida. That’s the one thing that’s gone easy.

Anyway, the point is…I checked my email as I do every morning while I have my coffee on the deck, and immediately after I shut down my computer last night I got an email from my realtor and the people who canceled have made a CASH offer on my house!!!! A decent one! HOLY CRAP! They want to close in 3 weeks, and that’s impossible. I’m going to see if I can get them to take my living room furniture, and come up just a bit on the price.

I really believe, I know with every fiber of my being, that I released the energy attached to here when I undid the lie. Just freed it all up, there is no attachment backward now, only forward. This is what I mean, by standing in your story. I did wrong, I allowed a lie to stand for a few weeks now. It was wrong. I can own that I did that. And I now have done what I can, to set the record straight. Recognize, feel remorse, and repair the damage.

Honestly, I know some people will poo-poo it as a coincidence. But I am a firm believer that there are no coincidences. The energy of one was holding back the energy of the other.  I was tied here, by the energy of that situation.

I’m going to be in FLORIDA by fall, in my cute little bungalow, in the tropical breezes, hanging out with my friends in the open air night spots, and my sister on the beautiful beaches. I’ll be watching the sunrise over the Tampa Bay and set over the Gulf of Mexico whenever I want. I couldn’t be happier right now.

I’ve a lot, A LOT, of work to do to get out of here, so I probably won’t be writing quite as much. But I’ll still write, lol. Write or lose my mind.

Love and light, everyone. Love and light.

Freein’ myself up tonight, from a few things. It feels good.

I was supposed to have a second showing on the house tonight at 5:30. I was so excited…..and at 5:10 they canceled. Said the buyer’s schedule changed. I was guessing that they were coming after work, and maybe couldn’t get away. I’m hopeful they will reschedule. I have another first showing tomorrow at 5. So it seems that dropping the price is at least drawing some attention to my house.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Beth Hart, blues singer. My friend in FL introduced me to her, and I had a few of her tunes on my phone. I went back and listened to some more after talking to my friend again, now I have like 10. She is amazing. She sings “Whole Lotta Love” the old Led Zep song, just unreal. I’d put a link up but I think it might be too much for some folks, lol. Youtube it if you’re in the mood for a real ride. Instead I will put up a link to my current favorite song of hers….. Hold Me Through The Night. Lyrics are below.

Love and light everyone.

If I whisper my thoughts

Would you hear the chanting of my heart
Phrasing melodies unsung in the dark
Saying hold me through the night

Hear the music from my room

Calling out to you
Come home to me soon
Shadows bellowing duets with the moon
Singing hold me through the night

Hold me through the night
Hold me through the night

And the water drop in the drain

Just like the sound it makes you’re coming round again
There’s a soft piano in a warm summer’s rain

Playing hold me through the night

Hold me through the night
Hold me through the night

Hold me hold me through the night
Hold me hold me through the night
Oh ya gotta hold me through
Ya gotta hold me through the night
Hold me through the night

It’s been a long day. Put in about a 10 hour work day.  I lowered the price on the house and now I have a 2^nd showing for someone tomorrow night. That’s a good thing, and what I hoped would happen if I dropped the price. Very happy about it. Even though I’ll now lose at least $10K more.

I had a lovely convo with one of my WP buddies tonight. It is amazing how parallel our lives have been, and somehow we found each other just to each other. It was very soothing.

I know I’ve been writing a lot of stuff about Scott lately. I have. I seem to be able to go long periods without talking about him, and writing about other things, but then some more of the pain, or whatever, will float to the top and I have found the only way to deal with it for me, is to write it out. I suppose he’s still reading it, but the way I see it, none of it is news to him. Not the way I feel, or felt, or any of it. One thing we had was a pretty intense communication. My side of it was very real, all the time. So, I write it anyway, knowing that I might be supplying his need for attention, but it’s more important that I work this stuff out for myself the best way I can. And maybe he’s not reading it, and maybe he is, but either way, I won’t know if he is, and as long as I don’t have to hear about it, I’m ok with it. I’m pretty sure he believes that if he were to contact me I’d tell Betty. But really, I don’t want any contact with either of them. I want my leg of that triangle pulled out. I’m tired of it all. He loves the triangulation, he loves having two women fighting for him, and I never was. I was only ever fighting to have the truth be told, and not have history rewritten. I will stand by that story, it’s the truth. But I won’t talk to her, I won’t open up the opportunity for any more drama between the three of us.

So, there may, from time to time, be more from that quarter. Marianne Williamson tells us that betrayal is so difficult to overcome, to heal from. When the knife in our back is held by a trusted friend or lover, it just takes time. And for me, words. Lots of words. I’ve already spent a lot of words on it, and I’m probably a good part of the way done, but I know there will be more occasionally. Until the next time, I hope I can find some other amazing things in the world to write Haiku and Tanka and just my own freestyle brand of poetry.

It’s off to bed. I have to touch up the house for the showing tomorrow night. Got a little work to do, not much. Praying that maybe this is the one. It would get me in Florida sometime in the fall most likely. Good time to go.

Love and light, everyone.