I took my son out to breakfast. We decided on IHOP, for no special reason. They told us 15 minutes wait, and after 25 minutes, I went up and asked how much longer. I saw a lot of names crossed off after ours, on her list, and I said, we are at the top of this list…..and haven’t been called. She had had trouble spelling my name, Debbie, and crossed it out to rewrite it. And thought it was crossed off. Ok, it’s a pretty common name….. But she apologized profusely and sat us down promptly at the next available table. Where we then waited 30 minutes for our food. Oh well.

I wanted to talk to my son about the logistics of his move. He was in no mood today. Having issues with his girlfriend (and I use that term loosely) who is in Switzerland, he said, really serious, really mind boggled. I knew it was of no use to try to accomplish anything with him this morning, so I just told him we need to deal with the logistics of the move soon. Like when. Like where will we stay when we get there. Like does he want to just sell the furniture in his space and buy when he gets out there, or does he want to take it. Does he even want me to go with him? I think he does, want me to. But then we have the whole deal of where we will stay, if he’ll have a space, etc. etc. etc.

Meanwhile, I am dropping the price on my house by another $10K. Lots of lookers but no offers. I need an offer in before the summer is over. I think at the new price I have to get some offers. It is so below market value. I am losing a ton of money on it. But I need it sold. I need to cut my losses and run. If it’s not sold by winter, it won’t sell, and I’ll be stuck here for another winter. Which I just can’t even fathom.

So many things I want to leave behind here, meaning in this town, in this vicinity. So much drama, so much pain, so many unhappy memories. My house…I love this house. My son and I have been so happy here. I guess I have to look at the loss as the cost of being happy for 5 years. If I’d stayed at the condo I rented as transitional space while I got divorced, I’d still have all my money, and would have given a 30 day notice and left. But honestly, I’d never have been happy there. Not like I’ve been here. Both my son and I agreed that no matter what was going on in our external lives, we could walk in the door here and have peace. That’s worth a lot to me, after 40 years with an abuser. Peace there was always conditional on my ex’s unknown whims. He could wake up happy and come at you like a freight train 2 hours later, and you’d never know why, only that you’d better try to tow the line unless you wanted WWIII. The biggest issue in this house has been my relationship with Scott, because my son disliked it from the beginning. And after the prison whore, and then the gf fiasco, is intolerant of him. He dislikes me to even talk about him, he cannot understand. And I would not expect him to. He knows the man hurt me to the core, and that’s all he needs to know, to know he doesn’t want Scott in his life.

I have the afternoon to myself. Maybe I’ll make some blueberry muffins. Buffalo wings for dinner. Gonna do some reading. Some relaxing, since the house is immaculate.

Love and light, all.

Sitting outside early on a Sunday morning, I found a meditation on line that was just Tibetan bowls, and bells. I often use guided meditations, at least guided for a few minutes, but this morning, I didn’t want anyone else’s words. It is quiet, there are birds chirping, and a the teeniest of breezes blowing. It’s damp out from the rain last night, and cool. It’s gray again, and as I write this, a mist begins to settle on the ground and I have to go inside.

I read an article on meditation yesterday about whether or not it is necessary when meditating to blank one’s mind. The article said no. I have always agreed with that. How could one blank one’s mind? How can you stop a thought without consciously thinking “Stop that thought”? For me, what has always worked best is to allow whatever comes into my head, and to stand back and observe it without judgment. In the same way as I advocate sitting with our sadness, I advocate, during meditation, sitting with whatever comes by your mind, and just letting it be.

During gong meditations this happens to me on an intense level, and because of it, I’ve been able to work out some really difficult issues. Scott and I had so many issues, so much push-pull in our relationship. I would go to a gong meditation, and come out of it with resolution in my mind. I would tell him, and he would say, “I think you need to go to a gong bath every night.” I would agree.

Now that that relationship is over, at least in the physical sense that we don’t see each other or talk to each other, this morning, what came into my head was that I was glad for learning that I can love so intensely. I looked at the risk involved. Because yes, there was, is, a lot of risk in loving someone so freely and intensely. I did it without any demand that he love me back in the same way. I don’t ever, won’t ever, demand of someone that they love me in order for me to love them. Love has to be freely given, or what is it worth? I exacted no price from him.

But there was risk to me, real risk. And as it turned out, the risk was real, I suffered because I loved a man in whom I could see only his possibility. The soul which he tries to hide from the world and himself was so brilliant that it blinded my eyes to his human weaknesses. It’s not that I was naive and not seeing the darkness. He told me about it. I saw it, I didn’t care, because I knew there was also great beauty inside him. Why did I do this with him, and no one else, ever in my life? I don’t know, I’ll never know. I do think, in my heart of hearts, that I have known him for many lifetimes, and it colored the relationship in this one.

Anyway, as I meditated this morning, in the cool morning mist, with the birds and the Tibetan bowls, I knew that it was time to let the relationship go. It had taught me what I was in it to learn. That I can love, that the knowing that I have the ability to love is far more important than the risk of the pain it can cause. There was so much pain in it. I can still cry if I allow myself to think of it. But that’s just self serving, that’s just my ego saying “See, see how you can be hurt?” Yes, of course I can, all people can. Does that mean I should never take the risk? The ego would have me believe that a risk is never worth it, and to cloak myself in protective gear so that I don’t get hurt.

But if I do that, then I miss out on the glorious opposite side, the incredible experience of the joy of loving someone so much. I’m so glad to have experienced it. I will be so glad to experience it again, in a richer and fuller way, with someone who also is unafraid to love in this way.

When I say, I love him, I will always love him, I mean that. But what it doesn’t mean is that I can’t love anyone else, even more. It’s as if I was shown a path, on how incredible love could be. It’s the path I will follow. It’s the one with flowers and brooks, and sunshine, it’s the one that runs along the beach at low tide and lets you find the treasures of the sea washed up on the shore. It’s the path that fills your senses and makes you utterly grateful just to be alive. I know there are others on this path, and that there will be someone like me there. Someone who has been learning their lessons, all their life, and evolving their soul, and now wants to share those beautiful things with someone else as they enter the last quarter of their life. To reap the benefits of the work.

The people who give us the most pain are our greatest teachers. Both my ex-husband and Scott were by far, my two greatest teachers. I appreciate their place in my life. I love them both always. I just know there is a greater love out there for me.

This post is the result of a meditation in which I didn’t try to blank my mind. Instead I just allowed whatever was there, to be there, and to feel it and see it, and let the universe help me to work through it with love.

The Dalai Lama said, at least, I think it was him, that if all children were taught to meditate by the age of 8, you would see a different world than we now live in. I couldn’t agree more.

Love and light everyone.

So many times I have said, here in this blog, “I’m f”n SICK to death of hard lessons.  Why do I have to keep on learning the hard lessons?  I want EASY from here on out.”  A 32 year abusive marriage, a divorce that took 4 years and the Supreme Court of my state, and then my first love affair ends in betrayal after betrayal.  I’ve been asking for easy now for a while!

But, (there’s always a but, I think), I also believe that our purpose in life is to learn our lessons and evolve our souls.  After finding this meme in the feed for my FB page, Living Like Water, I am rethinking my request.  Easy?  Maybe.  But maybe not.

My mind is open to whatever comes.

Love and light.

After a week of sultry summer heat, today is chilly, cloudy. A respite. I’m actually grateful for it, in part of my brain. The other part says, WTF, we want sun. I’m sitting outside, in the gray cool.

I was supposed to go to a big fireworks display tonight. The friend I was going with backed out, so I have no one to go with but that’s ok, because it’s not going to be a nice summer night anyway.

The display in New London where my boat slip is. It used to be spectacular, put on by the Native Americans who own Foxwoods Casino nearby. Three barges in the river, Grucci fireworks, (the premier name in the Northeast) it was amazing.  It was the largest display between NYC and Boston.  They had a rough couple of years, and stopped sponsoring it, so it was pared way down.  This year I read they are back to sponsoring it, but it’s not Grucci’s, it won’t be like the old days. It will still be really good.

When we bought the slip, we had a clear view of the fireworks from the slip, across an undeveloped point of land. There was always a HUGE party on the docks. Luckily they are fixed docks, not floating ones, and can hold the weight of hundreds, if not more, people on them. Shoulder to shoulder. But we loved it. We used to have family come down, and we’d go to the beach for the day in the boat, come back, have an amazing dinner, and then sit in the boat and watch this unbelievable display, choreographed to music. We’d get out the ice cream maker afterward, and make homemade ice cream, waiting for the traffic to thin out, for the family that had to leave.

Then Pfizer, the huge pharmaceutical company based across the river in Groton, CT, built a monstrous building on the undeveloped land, complete with helicopter pads, etc. It was a $2 Billion, yes, billion, project, all money from Viagra. We, at the club where the slip was, called it the Pfizer Riser.

At any rate, it ruined our view. We had to take the boat out on the river after that, for a good view, which we did for many years. And that too was fun. The only issue was having to drive the boat back in the dark, to the slip, with so so so much boat traffic. 1000’s of boats. I often said, why do we have to leave? Let’s just stay anchored here and go back in the morning? But my ex always wanted to go back, so he could lay in bed and watch TV. Whatever. He had to drive. I only had to tie the boat in the slip.

Now Electric Boat owns the building. It’s across the river from their main facility, (which is almost next door to Pfizer’s headquarters in Groton) where submarines used to roll out on a regular basis. The Navy subbase is just up-river. Submarines are pretty cool to see going in and out of the harbor.

Tonight is, conceivably, the last time I could go to these fireworks, since I likely won’t be here next summer, unless I’m visiting. But I’m not going to go, because I have no one to go with, and the weather has cooperated by making it not a nice summer night, taking away the ambiance of the night anyway. (Crazy, but the thought crossed my mind to call my ex and see if he wanted to go, lol. He’d probably say yes, lol.  That thought came into my head and went right back out again.)  Since I’ve been divorced, I’ve parked at the club where the slip is, and walked 10 minutes to sit out on a long fishing pier, right under the fireworks. It’s lovely on a nice night. Tonight it will be chilly out there.

I’ll get my house all spic and span for the showing tomorrow. I’ll go food shopping. I’ll watch the season finale of Outlander tonight. My son won’t be home, he has some big party he’s going to. Tomorrow I’ll take him out to breakfast while someone looks at my house, and I’ll set an intention that they’ll love it. And want it. And make an offer.

Life is good. Living like water, just find a new path around the obstacles that get in your way. When you can’t go any farther in one direction, change directions. Make a new plan. Love without limit, and keep your options open. Time to go inside, the clouds are letting a few sprinkles leak out.

Love and light, everyone.

Image is of the fireworks in New London, from Google images.