7 days ago the most recent of the myriad deceptions and lies about my relationship with Scott surfaced. They surfaced because a lie always gets spit back out by the universe. I’ve not had much to say about it, or him, or her since. 

Because it was enough. Enough to make me not want to hear from him again. And to be honest, from her either. I know it gave her no pleasure to tell me, I asked, and she didn’t lie. As when she asked me, I didn’t. Scott’s the only one with a house of playing cards built on deception after deception. 

I just need to leave it all behind me. I’ve as clear a picture of him as I will ever need. And of her.  Personally, I still believe that he only thinks someone loves him if they are crying over him. I believe once that happens, he might be a good puppy on a leash for awhile. Until he needs to prove it to himself again 

I never wanted a man in a leash.  I did cry over him plenty.  Now I just sit with the heartache that still shows up occasionally and wait for it to leave. If they are together or apart, is none of my business.  I have my story, I can own it, stand in it, deal with the pain, and the triumph. 

Do I still love him?  Always. Always.

I don’t believe that relationships end, when you stop seeing each other. As A Course in Miracles teaches, relationships are eternal. I know that I’ve probably known him for 1000 lifetimes. I knew him, and loved him before we met. Because in this lifetime his path strays from mine, does not negate the energetic and spiritual connection we have. 

I’m good with that.  I don’t expect to  hear from either of them, it would be only by voice mail from him. She could email me again. I don’t expect I would answer.  She reminds me too much if his lies, his denial of me. I chose not to remind her that he only denied me to her. Never did he deny to me that there was something there. I also chose not to remind her that he also denied her to me, vehemently, many times.  It’s who he is, what served his purpose.  I remember always that he doesn’t really know who he is. And so chooses the way out that seems easy at the time, but creates only pain for everyone, including himself, in the long run. 

We  need to just let it all go.  My heart is easy today. I think of him fondly. I see a lot of heartache ahead of him, unless and until he can come to terms with himself. 
Love always, and all ways.  It’s the easiest way for me. 

Love and light. 

I came outside to water my plants this morning, and thought it had rained overnight. The table on my deck was puddled with water, and the chairs, and the deck itself were wet. I thought I’d have to stay indoors this morning. But I picked up a towel I keep to wipe the table of morning dew, and it wasn’t barely damp. All that moisture was just in the air. It was cool, and lovely, thought not sunny. The banks of ground fog were at tree-top level. It was comforting, oddly.  I wiped down the table and brought the computer outside

I am a sun lover. When we had a boat, we never kept the bimini up, because we loved the sun. I was always tan back then, lol. And should have bought stock in Coppertone, I used so much of it. So for me to be happy that it was foggy and gray, is unusual.

It reminded me of so many days at sea that start out that way, especially in New England where the water doesn’t get past about 70° even in August. So many mornings laying at anchor, everything is drenched in moisture from the ocean, and it’s so quiet, it seems so surreal. It was always my favorite time of day.

I live about 30 miles as the crow flies from Long Island Sound, and when I see the dark gray fog banks come in, I know they are from the waters I loved so much. I don’t know how many times we would be making a crossing, to Block Island or Martha’s Vineyard and the fog would just roll in suddenly and we’d be navigating on instruments only for a couple of hours. I was never fearful about it, just that you have to go slowly when you can’t see more than 50′ in front of you.

So this morning I was reminded of days gone by that were pleasurable, even with my ex. It was all an experience. I remember golden blue days at sea too. Experiences that molded me, and helped me to know who I am.

There is beauty in the golden blue days, but also in the morning mist, and the sun breaking through. This picture is of the sun, just a few moments ago, breaking through the fog banks lifting overhead.

Have a good day everyone. Namaste.

Written by Deborah E. Dayen

Picture taken by me as well, from the sacred space of my deck.  🙂

Tonight is much better than this morning. I don’t know why I was in such a dark place this morning, but I was. I learned a long time ago that when I go there, I have to accept that’s where I am. In this dark hole, and I’ll be there until I can get out. I’m lucky, it never really takes me that long.

I went to lunch at the cove on the river. It was a beautiful, albeit very hot, day, in the 90’s. When I got there, I could see dark clouds on the horizon. I was reading Marianne Williamson’s book, A Return to Love, about how betrayal is so difficult to overcome, because the knife you get in your back is put there by someone you completely trusted and felt safe with. The dark clouds started spitting rain, and I swear, I was spitting tears. I am so sick of re-covering this ground, over and over again. Plus the house, I want this house sold. I want to get away from here, from all these memories, from all the chaos that has been my life for the past year, and start fresh.

I sat in the car in the rain, just closed my eyes, let it come in the windows, and cool me off, cleansing rain. I needed it. I thought about my poem this morning, and just surrendered, because there is nothing else I can do. It’s amazing what happens when you really do that.

I got a request to show my house on Sunday, about an hour later. When I told my son, we made a date to go out to breakfast Sunday while they are here. I got three new blog followers, which while it may not be much, it’s a lot to me. The new girl I’m training was making me laugh. Tonight I had a nice long phone conversation with a good friend. And on the way home from work, I saw a rainbow.

Little things, little signs from the universe that my place here is secured, that life is progressing the way it should. Sometimes you just have to sit with your sadness. Acknowledge it. Let it be for a while. Then give it a hug, and tell it to go outside and play, you are done sulking because you’re alone, or your house won’t sell, or you have to go to work on an amazing summer day.

I have so much that I’m blessed with. So much. Like a nice cool bedroom where I’m about to go and call it a day. Love and light, all.

I went to a wedding tonight. The groom I’ve known for 15 years, at least. I just met the bride. The groom is the son of one of my best oldest friends here. It was an odd night, but he’s in the Air Force, home on leave from Japan, and this is when it worked the best for them. I can only say they both seem committed to making it work. I wish them all the best. They are very like minded, very good looking, both of them. Very spiritual. Just hoping the reality works for them.

Gave me pause to think, as weddings do, about different events in my life. And all I can think is, they were supposed to happen, and I know this, because they did happen. Which is the same as tonight. These two barely have spent any time together, but I think their union was supposed to happen. If forever, we’ll see. But as for now…it did, it was supposed to.

As for my life, the things that have happened were also supposed to. And I’m good with that. Whatever lessons I was destined to learn, I believe I’ve learned. I’ve learned, grown, evolved, moved on. Any time I wish things had been different, I remind myself, they aren’t. They are what they are, and you can’t change that. We can’t know what our soul’s journeys are, we can only accept what is put in our path as another of the lessons we are supposed to learn to evolve our souls.

Knowing that, there is no hate, there is no anger, there is only love. Always and all ways. A line from Byron Katie that I use often. So, I’m off to bed, very tired, a little introspective, a little retrospective, and sending love and positive energy to all whose path has crossed mine. You know who you are. Always, and all ways.

Love and light.