White Morning

Posted on by learning to live like water

after the snow

The day after the storm is beautiful, clear cold, and white.  So white.  We got about 8″ or 9″ of snow, so we got a little more than they expected.  Just a few miles south of us they got over a foot.  Grateful not to have to deal with that much snow.

My son will do most of the snow blowing when he gets up, but I’m going to clear enough to get my car out of the driveway because I had some plans with a friend and want to leave before noon, lol.  I heard him up at about 3 AM, I’m guessing he won’t be up til 11 or so.

It was a quiet night at home. I talked on the phone with a lot of people yesterday and last night.   I made a necklace for my friend who retiring on Friday.  She and I have worked together for 11 years, she is my best friend at work.  We tell each other our secrets, I will miss her.

I’m friends with the other women, but not close.  Two of the other women are the kind who love to be in the know, and can’t hold anything in confidence unless you say “don’t tell anyone” which I don’t often do.  For instance, one of them decided that when my mother died she would take it upon herself to tell my boss, “so you wouldn’t have to deal with it.”  I didn’t get mad at her, because she told me in a call where she was offering her condolences, but I was furious silently.  It was not her business to tell him.  It was mine to tell when I was ready.  The other woman, one day when I had a lunch date, like a second date with someone, shouts to me loudly across the room, “OH are you going on a date Deb?” so everyone could hear.  I spoke to her later, and said, “just because you know something about me, please don’t assume that I want everyone to know, ok?”

There is one more woman, who doesn’t feel it’s necessary to talk to everyone about everyone else, so we get along fine, but don’t have a ton in common.  So, I will miss my friend who never tells my secrets to anyone, nor I hers.  What Brene Brown calls “the Vault”.

The good thing is, I will follow in her footsteps hopefully within 6 or 8 months.  So looking forward to that.

Well, off to go deal with the snow.

 

It’s Snow-Time!

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

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It’s snowing.  We are on the northern fringe of the superstorm that is hitting NYC, Philadelphia and Washington DC.  It’s our first snow of the winter, and it’s kind of pretty, even though I’m happier not to have to deal with it.

I filled up the gas can for the snow blower, and then went out and made sure it started.  It took a few tries, but it started up!  Yay!  For the last two winters I have recruited my BFF’s husband to get it running.  I texted her and told her to tell him he won’t have to come get me out of trouble, lol.

I’m cleaning the house like I do every Saturday, but today ex tra care because of my book club meeting on Tuesday night.  If the snow stops by morning, and if there hasn’t been a blizzard, I won’t be able to do it tomorrow, because I have some plans with a friend. So…today is the day.  I haven’t yet figured out when I’m going to make the soup, I’m thinking overnight Monday night in the crock pot.  We’ll see….

I went to the grocery store this morning, early…I was there by 8:30.  It was so mobbed…..Yikes!  But I knew it would be.  The whole town seemed to be there, the lines at every register were 4 or 5 people deep.  There’s one register in the front, that is a self checkout, but it’s away from the other registers and no one ever uses it, but me, lol.  I always do.  Walk right past the lines and walk up to it and check myself out!  When I got done there were 5 people behind me, lol.  But I got out of there quickly!

Now, I’m ready, winter.  Bring it on.  Snow blower works, I have lots of food.  Some places farther south near the coast may lose their power, because the wind is blowing around 40-50 knots sustained down there, but I think we’ll be ok here.  My neighborhood power lines are underground, so we only lose them if the main road does.  And if it does, they get it back up pretty quickly, because so much feeds off of it.

The video at the top is one I took out my back door when the snow started. The snow is way heavier now and sideways in the wind.  Oh well, winter is about half over. 

Enjoy your weekend. 

What Makes Friendship? Some Thoughts

Posted on by learning to live like water

friendship_quote

Thinking about friends tonight. I’m so blessed with friends. I heard from my best friend in high school today. She is such a sweetie, I am so grateful we are still friends 50 years later. She just found out about my mom, she lives in Iowa. And she shares soooooo many memories with me of my mom. My God, we met when we were 12 and became instant friends. I haven’t talked to her yet, this was just messaging but it still, was a salve on my heart, she really really knew my mom, all of her life. There was a group of us, maybe 5, who were die hard friends then, and still are.

Now here in New England, I have another wonderful group of friends. We mostly met when our kids were in elementary school, and bonded through endless birthday parties, sleepovers, Little League games. Our kids are still friends, but not close, but this small group of us, still are.

I’m just thinking what makes good friends, beside sharing common experiences and memories. I have to say that it’s the non-judgmental acceptance we have of each other. We all have different lives now. I was married for 32 years, and my bff from high school has never been married, was engaged 5 times, and has no kids. She’s an RN. Totally different lives…but we still accept each other without question. All of that group do…one lives in the Adirondacks, and taught music there for 35 years. One was a merchant marine. One stayed in our small town, was married twice, and when I went to our 45th reunion last year, I stayed at her mother’s house, the same one she lived in when we were in high school.

None of us have to be someone else when we’re together. It’s unconditional love, really. The people to whom you feel closest should always just accept who you are. I mean, we all have quirks, bad habits, a view of life that might be skewed in one direction or the other. So what? Are you the same person every day when you wake up? Is your core centered, do you have a way of life that you believe in, and can’t be shaken from? Are you kind? Compassionate? Idk..these are the things that mean something to me in my friends.

My ex….OMG. He loved to say he was “grooming” me. For what? Idk, to be the perfect Stepford Wife. But it so angered me….why was I not good enough as I was? Grooming me, my ass. Groom yourself, lol. It’s probably why, even though we can speak now, and it’s better than it used to be, we are not close now. I never could meet his standard, which changed on a regular basis. And God forbid, I should try to groom him, lol.

But really…that’s the key for me. To just be accepted for who you are. My bff here sometimes asks me to come over and watch a movie with her, she dislikes being alone too much. If it’s night I will say, who else is coming because I want to put my pajamas on first…..

Friends, good friends. Who listen when you cry, whose eyes sparkle with yours when you laugh. Who keep your secrets, and you keep theirs. Who put marbles in your jar all the time. People who, because they know they are accepted without judgment, are the same person every time you are with them.

Wednesday Night

Posted on by learning to live like water

I have been vegan a couple of times in the last 6 or 7 years. My sis sent out copies of the book “The China Study” to all of us, and my whole family went vegan for awhile. Some still are. But I couldn’t stay with it, mostly because my son was not about to go vegan at 17 years old. And I couldn’t keep up with planning two separate meals all the time. I still don’t eat anywhere near as much meat as I used to.

Fast forward to today. My son is in Colorado. He’s staying with a girl he likes a whole lot, and she’s vegan. He texted me today that he’s eaten all vegan since he’s been there. Can you say SHOCKED? Glad…but shocked. He even texted me a picture of the black been sweet potato tacos he was having.

All this has me reconsidering what I eat again. I work long days, almost always 9 hours. Leave the house at 8, get home between 6:30 and 7:30. My eating habits have gotten bad. I go for quick, easy, hassle free meals. I try to cook something on the weekend that will give me leftovers during the week, so it’s not like I’m eating crap all week. But not that well either.

I’m diabetic, and for the most part, well controlled. I expected when I was vegan my glucose levels would increase because I was eating less protein and more carbs, like quinoa, rice, etc. But the levels didn’t go up, they went down. I had to cut back my meds.

Worth a thought anyway, again. Especially if my son will join me.  Thinking vegetarian though, not vegan.  We like cheese too much, lol.

I have our book club here next Tuesday. We’ve been reading The Untethered Soul by Mark Singer. I only have about 20 pages left in the book, so at least I’ll finish it. I found it to be a lot like The Power of Now, which I read years ago. This was like a refresher course. Always welcome.

I also need to make a soup of some kind for them. Seems that’s what has become the trend in our small group (there are only 4 of us). We started out with snacks for our first few meetings, but since it got cold, it’s been soups. And some good bread. So I’m trying to think of a soup, not chili, to make. Not chili because the last couple girls have done that. I’m thinking of veggie soup, which I usually make with all organic veggies, and maybe adding some beef stew meat, like beef veggie soup instead of beef stew. Then I’ll have the leftovers for the week.

Anyway, it is always a good excuse to get the house really clean.

It seems so odd to me, not to have some emotional drama to talk about, lol. But none…..and it’s lovely really. Feeling pretty happy and content lately, even though I lost my mom, I feel her with me. Death is just another transformation. It was time for her to go be with my dad, her own parents, my niece. And I know she’s whole and at peace.

It’s all good. Love and light all.

I’m Around

Posted on by learning to live like water

One of my wonderful WP friends sent me a message asking if I was ok because I’ve been quiet lately.  But really last night I had a friend over, then woke up late this morning, something I never do. But there are nights when sleep evades me and my mind decides it’s a great time to dissect my life, lol. 

Hate that. Just hate it. 

But I’ll be back. I’m on my lunch hour now…. Finishing the book for book club. 

All is well in Living Like Water land. 

This and That

Posted on by learning to live like water

acceptance

I don’t have a whole lot to say this morning.  It’s a clear, very cold day here in New England.  I guess we may get our first appreciable snow on Saturday, which means at least I don’t have to drive in it.  We had kind of hoped that we’d get a pass on snow this winter, but that’s probably pretty unrealistic, lol.

Not much on my mind today, but here I am writing about it, lol.  Acceptance…that was my meditation, accepting what is.  I’m learning, and practicing staying in the moment, trying not to have expectations about what is or isn’t going to happen in my life, like when I move to Florida.  All I know is I will not have to go to work every day, lol.  And be able to go to the beach whenever the mood hits me, which at the moment seems like every day.

Before my mom had her stroke, she was working on writing, at her 3  daughters request, an autobiography of her nearly 100 years on this earth.  She was an English teacher, she loved to write.  She was 92, and going to the library to do research, to make notes etc.  My sister found her work on it,  and we talked briefly about completing it when I move down there, like a joint effort.  Mom has many many pictures, and many of them have the names of the people written on the back.  I think it might be a fun project for my older sis and I to do together.

My son is going to Colorado today.  I have encouraged him to go visit.  He intends to move there when I move to Florida.  I told him he really ought to check it out before he moves there, to see if he even likes it.  There is a girl there, lol….that he really likes.  So he’s making a quick 3 day trip.

He works as an assistant manager of a national store chain.  Yesterday they chose him to participate in a store manager training program, which only a few of the assistants are offered.  It’s a 5 month program, and when it’s done, and a store becomes available, he will get it.  I’m so proud of him, he’s only been on this job for 5 months.  But he is good at it, he understands business and team work, just instinctively. So I am the proud mama this morning.  Considering his difficult childhood, God, I am so blessed he is such a great kid.

So all is well in my land today.  Quiet, moving forward.  Happy.  Guess I had a little more to write about than I thought, lol.

 

 

 

Sundogs

Posted on by learning to live like water

Back in December 2009 I was having lunch at the cove on a cold winter’s day.  I leaned my head back in the car, and looked up at the sky, just relaxing. The sky was blue, not clear blue, but a little hazy blue.  I saw a sight I had never seen before.  There was a sideways kind of short rainbow, and from the middle of it a light beam extended, like a huge spotlight.  Kind of like the picture below, but with less clouds, and a very pronounced beam.

sundog7

I just stared at it.  It was so amazing, this spotlight that extended  through the sky. I stared at it, studied it, until I had to go back to work.  On the way back to work, at the top of a hill, I saw that there was another one, equidistant from the sun on the other side.  I had no idea what I was looking at, but it was beautiful, amazing….took my breath away.

I later found out that it was a sundog.  Caused by ice crystals in the air, and the sun at a specific angle refracting the light in this way.  I felt totally blessed to have seen it.

Fast forward a couple of months to February 2010.  I was now in the 3rd year of a contentious divorce.  I was in limbo then, waiting for the Supreme Court to decide if they would even hear our case.  (My ex had appealed the Superior Court’s  decision to them, in an effort to keep me from getting anything.)  My son was with me, he was 17.  I was getting child support so financially I was in decent shape for the time being, but I knew that when he turned 18 in a few months that would stop.  I didn’t know how I would be able to take care of us both on my salary, I had committed to taking him on a cruise with a bunch of his and my friends in June when he graduated, and paid for it 8 months before, because I was sure that by now my divorce would be resolved and I’d have a settlement.

I was scared.  Anxious.  Sick of the battle.  I just wanted it behind me.  I wanted to move on with my life.  I’d been in this position with constant court battles with his father for so long.  One morning in February I just broke down, I said, “God, I know everything is going to turn out ok, but I really really could use another sign.  I’m beginning to lose my grip.”

Then I dressed for work, and went off on my day.  On my lunch hour I needed to run an errand to Walmart about 2 miles from work.  As I left work, I could see a bright spot under the sun.  I thought, wow…that’s cool.  But just kept driving, I didn’t focus on it.  There is a slight hill to get to Walmart, and a stoplight where you turn to go in.  I once again saw the bright spot under the sun.  I leaned over to look out the window better.

And there I saw…..the bright spot, a complete circle of a faint rainbow around the sun, a bright spot on top of the sun equidistant from the bottom spot, and on each side, the same thing I had seen at the cove that day, a small sideways rainbow on either side of the sun, in the rainbow aura, with spotlight beams coming out of them, bending toward each other in the huge sky.

polar-phenomena-rosing-749109-sw

I got into the parking lot as quickly as possible, got out of the car, and just stood there looking at it.  I remember laughing, just laughing.   It was so incredible…like a cosmic light show just for me.  No one else seemed to even see it .

And I remembered my request that morning, for a sign.  There was no question that this was my sign.

I don’t know how long I stared at it.  It was impossible to guess the distance it covered. I felt like it might be 100’s of miles.  The beams extended so far beyond me.  I had to turn a complete circle to see the ends of them, bending toward each other.

I look back and think people must have thought I was crazy…standing in the Walmart parking lot, laughing at the sky.

Since that day, sundogs have been my good luck sign.  I look for them now, and see partial ones, like the one at the cove often.  I’ve never seen the complete thing again.  Yet.

So….it did all turn out ok.  It took another 18  months and the divorce was over, the decision was confirmed, I got my settlement, I bought a home, and while I am far from rich, I have been able to make a nice, and happy life for my son and I.

I renamed my jewelry company after the sundogs that day.  Sundogs Designs.  As it turned out the sundog that day, a Friday, was the prelude to a very unusual weekend, I was given so much more, but that’s for another blog, for another day.

I’ve never lost faith that everything will turn out ok.  No matter the heartbreak, no matter the difficulty, I know it will be ok.

Blessed, just blessed. Below is a picture of a sundog phenomena that I saw on FB.  Which is beyond words to describe it, but I think anyone would agree with me.

Crazy sundogs

Peace and sundog blessings.

School’s Out (I Hope)

Posted on by learning to live like water

lessons

I was in bed asleep by 9 PM last night, and slept til 6 this morning. I don’t know the last time I’ve done that. It was kind of cool, I could really sense my mom’s presence with me. We never lived close to each other, and I felt like now she’s just with me. I went to sleep easily, slept well. I remembered that my whole life, whenever I would visit her, and we were sleeping in the same house, I always slept well, like Mom’s here, I’m safe. I felt that last night very intensely.

I have a relaxing day planned today. Just some minor housework, maybe see if a friend will take a walk with me. I had tentative plans to meet a friend later this afternoon for a drink. I wasn’t sure I’d be feeling like it but I think it would be nice. I am going to call both my sisters today. We only texted yesterday, I think we all had to deal with it in our own way yesterday, today I crave their voices.

It’s nice to have one blog again. I’m feeling so much more put back together. I think I am more accountable now, too. I learned a lot of lessons about being more sensitive about what I write, and jumping to conclusions about people. Also, about being true to myself, and not allowing myself to do things that don’t feel comfortable. I thought I had learned that lesson, but you know, there is always another layer. I actually have trashed one post I put up on the other blog, because the facts I finally got were so opposite from the conclusion I’d drawn.

Lessons learned. Nothing is a waste of time, if we learn a lesson from it. But like I said awhile ago, I’d sure like to quit school for the time being. I just want to go to the beach and veg, listen to the waves, and rest. Too bad it’s not summer, lol. The last few months were just too intense, and now with Mom’s passing, I hope it marks the ending of that intense period of soulful lessons. I can only hope, lol. My ability to cope with any more is, I am pretty sure, exceeded as it is.

Here’s to hoping that 2016 came in in a whirlwind, to wrap up the unfinished business of 2015 quickly, and that a new phase is underway. Looking forward to Florida….

Peace and Some Blessings

Posted on by learning to live like water

Thank you all for the thought and wishes. They are so much appreciated.

I am oddly at peace today. I am so happy she went peacefully in her sleep. And after my visit to the psychic, in which my father said he was there with her every day, I know she and he are together, that she is whole again, and at peace. She had a long and good life, which she made for herself, and the help of the universe.

She’s being cremated in Florida, and then at some point we will all meet in Virginia where her remains will be buried next to my father. So, there is no rush to get down there, it is simple and easy, just the way she would have liked it.

I am exhausted today. My phone was ringing like crazy this morning, and I had a lot of work to do in the house too. I slept only a few hours last night, but tonight I think I’ll sleep easily. I feel her love wrapped around me like a blanket.

Been thinking so much about what’s important in life, and what isn’t. And really…not much is except the love of your family and friends, and their health and welfare. I hope I go peacefully in my sleep.

I was very glad I’d been to the gong meditation last night. I think it helped me to be in a place to accept. I have done so much of my major healing there, from many things. I am making a conscious effort to stop blogging the painful breakup with S. I really feel it’s over and done, and right now feel there’s nothing more to say about it. Of course…..I have been known to have a random thought that needs working out, lol.

One of the blessings of this blog, aside from being a venue to work out my own thoughts and issues, is the number of friends I have made, from all over the world, and a few close by me, who have experienced the same thing. Unlikely friends, we are united by a common experience. It just goes to show that we are all, really, part of the one great thing.

I had to draw my own conclusions from the information I could glean from such “reliable sources” such as Facebook, my own blogs, trying to sync dates and events. I know that not all the conclusions are correct, or the way it was. When I have found out that I was not accurate, I have tried to own it and make it right.   I do think that the broad strokes of the picture I got and wrote was fairly accurate.  You guys are so great, you have kept me on the straight and narrow when my own judgment was severely clouded, and supported me at times when I felt completely alone.  I am so grateful.