I’m Back, but I’m Sad

Posted on by learning to live like water

I’m back.  One blog.  But today, I am dedicating the blog to my mom, who we lost last night.

Mom had a massive stroke in October 2014 that left her unable to speak, read, or write.  Since then, for 16 months, she has had only her memories and her thoughts.  Even though she could understand,she couldn’t communicate.  I know she is at peace now, with my dad.  I am so glad I went to they psychic a couple months ago, because my dad’s spirit was there, and he asked me to write her a letter, a long letter, relaying stories of us growing up and letting her know how much we appreciate her and loved her.  I did that, at his request and I’m ever so grateful for that direction, so that I know nothing was left unsaid with her.  The psychic also said that my dad was with her in the convalescent home she was in and would stay there with her, which gave me a lot of comfort.

My mother and father were the people who taught me the value of unconditional love.  We never talked about it, we just lived it.  My sisters and I grew up knowing that we had value just because we existed, and that knowledge, when I was able to actually form it into a thought, was what I knew would save my son.  At the end of the day, with both of my parents, I never went to bed wondering if they loved me.  I took it for granted, as all children should be able to.  I know now, in a very personal way, what happens to people who don’t have that luxury.  It has always been our rock to stand on our whole lives.

My mother’s own mother, my grandmother, died when my mom was 4.  She lived with her large extended family growing up, as her father looked for work as an iron worker during the Great Depression.  We had a family reunion for her 80th birthday.  The whole family came, kids, grandkids, great-grandkids….She told us, “you can’t imagine how happy this makes me to see this, to have this big loving family, after growing up without one.”

The lessons I learned from her I am still uncovering.  Grace, even under the worst pressure.  Survival.  Thriving.  Moving past things and going forward.  Forgiving.  Compassion. Countless more I can’t even put to words at the moment.

She was the glue that held us together, and I know that her love will live on in my sisters and me, and will continue to be the glue that holds us together going forward. Blessed, so blessed to have had her as my mother.

 

Can’t Find My Way Home

Posted on by learning to live like water

The two blogs are beginning to wear on me. I feel disingenuous at best. I feel two-faced at worst. I’m going to take a couple of days off, and sort my emotions out here. In private, by myself. I’m a friggin mess at the moment. I’m not being true to myself. I’m not happy. I feel I am not free to write what’s on my mind. If I write it on this blog, it causes issues with other people. If I write it on the private blog, it causes an issue within me.

So, I’m taking a break. I’ll be back when I figure out what works for me, what I want to do, what path I want to take. I’m tired and I want to go home.

See you on the flip side.

Patterns

Posted on by learning to live like water

pattern

I have been thinking a lot about patterns…how easily we create them, and fall into them. And how important they become in our lives.

For instance, my morning pattern…to wake up sometime between 5 and 5:30. I have not set an alarm in years and years. Think about what we do when we wake up, get up. Get up, turn on a light, go in the bathroom, turn on the cold water faucet in the sink for my cat to get a drink, use the bathroom, brush my hair, put on my bathrobe in the winter, get my phone and glass of water from the nightstand andgo downstairs. Every morning. Same pattern. I do not even think about it. After getting my coffee, I am on the couch with the news, with my computer, my meditation, and writing for at least an hour, sometimes more. It varies only by season for me…In the warm weather, I skip the robe and am out on my deck, watching and listening as the world wakes up.

Patterns. When they are broken, it is disconcerting. Every few months I have to do fasting blood work, which means getting up and dressed and out of the house immediately, and I hate that, it so disrupts my morning patterns.

Every once in a while we are able to break patterns and create new ones. Dieting breaks eating patterns, and if you are lucky you can create new ones that are healthier for you. If someone leaves your life, it is easier if you can fill the patterns created around them with something else. Writing, or working or creating in some way. But one little wobble, the wrong food, a phone call, whatever, can slip us right back into those patterns. Maintaining new patterns requires such vigilance. Not back-sliding requires hyper-vigilance. I know I have lost and gained the same weight so many times in my life. Recently though in the last 6 or 7 months I have lost about 20 lbs, and I think the new patterns are sticking. New patterns had to be created when my relationship broke up, especially in the last two months because there was no communication. It required a lot of writing, and introspection to deal with that. I guess my readers know that, lol.

I think it might be a good idea to evaluate my patterns periodically, and see if they are serving me well. See if they align with my higher self, with the person I want to be. Try to be mindful of those that don’t serve me, and see what I can do to change them. And try to be mindful of when I am back-sliding into old patterns that don’t serve me.

Then again, patterns are part of our DNA.  Even the DNA itself is a pattern.  All of nature multiplies and divides by pattern.  We’re kind of hardwired to live by patterns, all of creation is.  Only we as humans really have a choice as to what patterns will serve us and which will not.  Ahh  free will.  And there’s a whole other blog, lol.

Love and light…..

It was a good day….

Posted on by learning to live like water

Worked late tonight.  Kinda tired.  Not much to write about, lol, so I guess that’s a good thing.  We got a little snow today, not enough to think about.  First time all winter so far.  Trying to figure out when I want to go to Florida. And what to do if i win the lottery tomorrow, lol.  Just full of riff raff tonight.  Posted some thoughts on LLW2.  Kind of introspective.  Watched the State of the Union for the last few minutes.  I forgot it was on, I was busy writing.

My son had a cool day. He’s the ass’t manager of a store, and he had to run the manager’s meeting today, because the manager just had a baby.  His regional manager was on a surprise visit, and really really liked the things he said and did.  He’s done real well.  I hope he’ll go get his business degree.  He is awesome at directing teams of people.  Proud of him.

I actually had a good day at work.  My boss was easy with me, not pushing.  I made him laugh a few times.  We have worked together 11 years, and sometimes it’s just easy, today was like that.

So good day.  Going to bed.  Sleep well, world.

 

 

Just Livin’

Posted on by learning to live like water

Slowly getting the house ready to put on the market.  Furnace got cleaned yesterday.  My screen doors, sliders to my deck, will be done this morning.  I have the part to fix my closet door that’s been broken for 6 months, lol.  It’s a folding door, I’ve had the part but it’s just a pain to work on.  Up on a ladder, working over my head, but it’s not a big job.  That leaves fixing my fireplace door, a new light fixture for my kitchen and painting the deck in the spring.  Little by little.

Excited and nervous for this move.  I’m going to Florida in March for a week.  I’m planning to do some more intensive search around the area, to narrow down the neighborhoods I want to live in.  I have a good idea now, but my sis will drive around with me looking.  We’ll have more time than usual, because I’ve never taken a whole week there, it’s usually 4 or 5 days.  Very excited to go visit for sure.

My mom is definitely on her last legs.  She’s 94, suffered a major stroke and cannot speak, read or write.  She is drifting into deep dementia, though she still recognizes her daughters.  But she’s been stuck with only her thoughts and memories for a year and a half.  To think she only gave up her home about 4 years ago.  She lives near my sister in a memory care facility, so it will be good to be able to see her a bunch too.

The S and B drama seems to have died down.    Thankfully.  I still have healing to do around it, but at least there’s not new stuff coming up that I have to deal with like last week.  I’m not using their names anymore, that’s a request I can honor going forward.  But not going back and change all the old blogs.

Life feels good, hopeful.  It’s going to snow tonight a little….our first snowfall.  Not much thankfully, just a couple inches.  Hopefully I’ll be home by the time it starts.

Love and light, all.

 

Baptism

Posted on by learning to live like water

baptism

Who knocks on my door?

The demons of the past,

Or the new ones

That I don’t know yet?

Is it love?

Am I so afraid of it now?

Fearful of being blinded by the light

And in my blindness

Cursed,

Laid waste to?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

How I long for that easy life again,

The one where everything made sense.

The one that flowed like water from my veins,

And heightened all my senses.

Now they are heightened in a different way.

Hyper-vigilance

Defensive.

Protective.

Fearful.

Come back to me,

Peaceful ocean.

Come back and render me speechless again.

Lift my face to the sun,

Let it’s warmth dry my salty tears.

Let me dance in the rhythmic waves,

Let the wind rearrange my hair.

Take my naked body and baptize me

Once again,

In the joyful sea of life.