Finding a Path

Posted on by learning to live like water

finding a path

Ahhh. End of the weekend. I made dinner for my son and I and am now finishing up my 2nd glass of wine with some dark dak chocolate. 88% cacao. Mmmmmmm It’s really good with red wine.

I’ve been a little introspective today. Thinking about love and forgiveness, hate and anger. I guess I’ve never been good at holding a grudge. Especially since my divorce. At some point I read somewhere that “holding on to hate and anger is like taking poison and thinking the other guy is gonna die.”

It just resonated with me so much. I was so angry at what my ex had done, was doing. Trying to make sure I was penniless, trying to drive a wedge between my son and I. The bullshit that came out of his mouth, at court, just enraged me. And because I couldn’t say or do anything about any of it, it was just eating away at me. It’s awful to wake up every day angry, upset, frustrated, and with a visceral hate for someone.

That was when the spiritual journey began…back in those days. I wanted to find a way through this process that would allow me to still have a life I loved. The universe put the people in my path that I needed. One at a time, it opened up. I learned to meditate, which I still say was the most valuable thing I’ve ever learned to do. I was brought by fate to the gong baths. I somehow was introduced to wonderful teachers, who wrote wonderful books. Eckhart Tolle, Thich Nhat Hanh, Byron Katie, Liz Gilbert, and, last but not least, Marianne Williamson and A Course in Miracles.

A Course in Miracles teaches a way to extend love. Period. Fear projects, Love extends. I wanted to find out how to feel, and live unconditional love. Because I didn’t want to feel the opposite.

One of the most important things I learned about unconditional love is, you can’t pick and choose who you love, if that’s what you profess to feel and practice. And in fact, often those people you feel least deserve your love are the ones who need it the most.

Another thing I learned, and this is a recent lesson, that came from the last 6 months of my life, was that the love has to first be turned inward on yourself. You have to take care of yourself, you have to give yourself a break for the things we do that are out of alignment with who we want to be. Because we are all human, we all do them. But I learned long ago, with my son and my divorce that forgiveness of ourselves is the hardest thing to do. I never learned to love myself, to consider what I wanted and what made me happy before I considered the happiness of others. I love Maya Angelou’s quote on this: “I don’t trust someone who says “I love you” but does not love themselves. Beware the naked man selling you a shirt.”

A psychic made me understand this concept in a personal way. She had my dad’s spirit there, and he told her that we never thought about what we wanted growing up, just what had to be done, what was expected of us. I agreed with her, and him, that was true. So, since that happened, I have considered myself, who I want to be, what values I have for myself. She told me to turn the energy of caring on myself. To do reiki on myself, especially my solar plexus, where we hold our emotions, and my sacral chakra, where we hold our creativity.

Writing is my creative outlet. Making jewelry also. Writing helps me to work things out. Making jewelry is good for those times when I’ve been thinking too much, too obsessively about something. It uses another part of my brain. I think the two compliment each other.

So anyway, in a broad sense, I am able to forgive, eventually, most things that have been done to me that were wrong, hard, hurtful. I took my ex cookies and Christmas soup (his mother’s recipe) this Christmas. I’ve called him to check on him. I’ve done similar with others who have hurt me. I guess I have to think that everyone does the best they can with where their consciousness is at the time. I know I have done things and behaved in ways I’m not proud of, because of where my consciousness was at the time.

I said in a blog not more than a few days ago, forgiveness comes with understanding. I believe that is true. I don’t think it means that what was done was ok, that those people can be in your life, but you can let go of the pain and anger and hurt and hate….and take back your power, and be someone you like.

Feeling the love tonight….

Check Out My Other Blog

Posted on by learning to live like water

There’s a new post on the other blog.  BTW, I have received a request from someone who does not follow this blog, username Daisy.  Please leave a comment, so I’ll know who you are.  I am being careful about who reads this and who doesn’t.  Thanks.

To access the other blog, copy and paste this  address.

http://www.livelikewater2.wordpress.com  Click on the Access request and it will send me an email to grant access.

Gettin’ It Done

Posted on by learning to live like water

gettin_it_done

Sunday Sunday.  Ok, I know the song is Monday Monday, but whatever, lol.  I sent to bed at 9:30, I slept til 7.  I was awake for about an hour  in the middle of the night, but that’s still a good night’s sleep.  Feeling way better, and less confused today.

I have been able to be productive today.  I got the house vacuumed, the floors mopped, the furniture dusted, well, some of it, lol.  I got my bedroom back to normal after having Maggie holed up there all last week.  And I just put a loaf of banana bread in the oven.  I still need to run to the store for bread.  I have not one piece of  bread, lol.  And I want to make a meatloaf for dinner, so I need bread.

Maggie is healing just fine, I am so grateful and happy.  I didn’t want her when I got her, but I got attached.  I was just done with pets, but now that she’s been here for 8 years…she’s a good little buddy.

It’s warm and pouring rain here today.  They have snow in the forecast for next weekend but I’m hoping they are wrong.  Because I don’t want any snow, and because I have a birthday party to go to that is about a half hour drive from here.  I would like to get through winter with no snow.  However that is pretty unlikely, lol.  It has never happened in my memory.

I am making plans to go to Florida in March for maybe a week.  I can’t wait.  I’m going to scout around the areas I’d like to live and check out the affordable neighborhoods.  And go to the beach.  As much as I can.  🙂

I am reading 2 books at the moment, one fiction, “All the Light We Cannot See” which is good but not what I expected.  And also “The Untethered Soul” by Marc Singer for my book club.  It seems to be a lot like The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which I read years ago and was life changing.  But it’s always good to get another take on it.

I have to pick our next book.  I think it might be The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown.  Or The Return to Love by Marianne Williamson.  Maybe we’ll take a vote.  I’ve read them both, but I can always re-read.  And I don’t think the others have read either of them.

I guess I’ll go and fold my laundry, while the bread bakes, before I go to the store.  I hope everyone is having a good day.

 

I Have a New Second Blog

Posted on by learning to live like water

If you were wondering where my blog was, I had reset it to be private, by invitation only.

But it seemed that no one was reading it.  I got messages from followers that they couldn’t access it, even though they were logged in to WP and had a current blog.  And my stats showed that only those few people were reading it.  Really not the point of a blog.

So, what I did instead is make a second blog. (www.livelikewater2.wordpress.com) which will remain private.  There I will publish blogs that are not for public consumption.  If you would like to read them, click on the link and complete the request form and I will add you to the list of readers.  If I publish on there, I will say so on this blog.  I have one post there now.

 Now at least I can give people a head’s up, and maybe some of you will go through the hassle of the access request so that I can get your thoughts on what I write there.

Thank you all….

The Madness of People

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is a beautiful, eloquent description of life, of healing. I had to reblog it, I felt it talked about my life. Check out this blog, The Iconophile, at https://sddpblog.wordpress.com/2016/01/09/the-madness-of-people It’s wonderful, insightful.

Jennifer Day's avatarTHE ICONOPHILE

Dumbbell - young lady

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“I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.”
― Isaac Newton

.

There are days when you feel,

weightless,

free from the gravity,

of all those things,

which weigh you down.

You could fly,

you have wings,

made of enthusiasm,

confidence,

joy.

You could circle the world in one bound,

wrestle dragons for their treasures,

lift mountains with the tip of a finger,

and hurl them into space.

.

STRONGMAN

.

Then there are those other days,

when your castle in the sky,

comes tumbling down,

you lose your wings,

plummet to the ground,

your strength fails,

just when you need it the most,

as you inherit the world on your shoulders.

A beast of burden,

trying to reach the future,

while dragging the past like a giant dumbbell,

across the tundra of the present.

.

“Gravity explains the motions of the…

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Trying to Find My Courage

Posted on by learning to live like water

courage vs comfort

I have so much to say this morning, and feel like I should just not say a lot of it, at least not right now.  Talking to Scott dredged up a lot of old stuff, that I’m hoping will settle back down where it was.  Not longing, but anger, disappointment, confusion.  My head is spinning, my emotions are a little raw again.  And I don’t want to write anything that can be taken wrong, that might cause pain to Betty, that will fuel a divide that is already huge.

He said that Betty told him I was still in love with him.  It sounded as though she said it not in a jealous way, but kind of as a revelation.  I told him, well that’s not news Scott.  I told you I will always love you, and I will.  But that doesn’t mean I can be with you, or accept your behavior, or would ever trust you.

He asked me what I wanted from him now.  I thought about it….but nothing.  I want nothing.  I want to move on, I want to fall in love with someone who can love me back as passionately as I can love.  I am happy that we talked, even though it came to no good end yesterday.  I hate cutting off communication with anyone, I don’t think that refusing to communicate ever eases anything. Not that I want to be communicating with him the way we used to, constantly.  It is just easier to know we can communicate, than thinking that  we can never talk.   Especially with this frigging connection that we have, or at least that I have with him.  Sometimes I feel compelled to let him know what I’m feeling, and it’s nice to know I can, especially when it has to do with his health.

I have to talk and write, to work things out.  I had to stay silent in my marriage for so many years, just to stay safe, just to keep the sleeping dogs sleeping.  If they woke they were vicious.  I refuse to do that ever again.  It almost killed me then, really. When I left that marriage I was diabetic, way overweight (I’ve lost about 40 lbs since then) and my heart was beating irregularly, pounding in my chest.  I prayed every night, literally, “Please God, don’t let me have a heart attack while I sleep.  I can’t leave my son with his father as his only parent.”  Thankfully, that prayer was answered night after night.  When I moved out, it stopped the very first night I was alone, and it’s never come back.

I started writing during that time.  I started writing down what I was living with because I just thought, “I have to write this down.  No one will ever believe this.”  I discovered the therapeutic benefits of writing it out.  My ex didn’t know I did this, though the journals weren’t hidden.  He went through my room a number of times, to see if I was hiding money, because once he found $85 I had squirreled away.  He had to see the journals when he rifled through my drawers and closets, but ignored them, because for whatever reason, he was not interested in my thoughts.  Until I brought them to court, and the judge showed an interest.  Whatever.  I wrote them for me, but they had a bigger benefit than I ever imagined they would.

I won’t go there again.  I’ve learned to have the hard conversations.  Scott asked what he could do now,now that he’s done all this damage.  And he apologized.  I thanked him for that, I told him it was a good first step for him to recognize and feel remorse for the damage he did.  But what could he do now?  He seemed genuine, as if he wanted to know.  I said, “next time you have a choice to tell a hard truth or a pretty lie, choose the hard truth.  Just choose the truth.  Practice it.”

I’d like to tell him to journal his day, to look back and observe his behavior, to see where he was selfish, and where he stood up for something.  But that’s my method, it’s not his.  Even though, I’ve read bits of things he’s written and he’s very talented.

All of this pain, every bit of it, could have been avoided by the truth.  Well, ok, I still would have been hurt and sad to lose him, but I wouldn’t have had all the other emotions around it.  I would have gotten past it, through it.  All of Betty’s pain, and his current pain, would be non-existent.  I acknowledge that the pain I would have had, I could have just looked at myself, and taken responsibility for it, because I dismissed 100 red flags because I didn’t want them to be true.  I loved being in love, I loved him beyond reason, and refused to accept anything that said to me, “NO, not now, Deb, not this time.  Don’t do it. Stop…..”  Because I thought he just wanted to be alone, and work things out, I thought too, that someday he’d not want to be alone.  If I’d known he was in love with Betty, I would have let go.  Quickly.  It’s the one boundary I will not cross.  It’s the only one I ever set.

Yes I’m a little fixated, as was said in a comment to me on my apology blog.  I need complete understanding to let go of things, or as much as I can get.  And really, I had it, I will have it again, I will gain clarity again, once all this stuff that was dredged up settles back down.  I have been moving away from it, in small, but steady steps.

I am looking forward to my lunch date today.  We’re going to a new Mexican restaurant.  It will be fun to meet this man that I’ve been talking to all week.  I have no expectation though.  It has been nice, so far.  Sometimes meeting in person makes it better, sometimes you find out there’s no connection.  But it’s a brave thing to do, to put myself out there again.  It’s a step in the right direction, toward where I want to go.  Brene Brown says that making yourself vulnerable is the most courageous thing you can do.  I think she’s right.

Love and light.

Adder:  My date is off.  It’s fine.  He had a what appears to be a valid reason, and said maybe we can meet after work one day next week.  But I knew when Scott’s energy got thrown back into my life that this date might not happen, it’s just the way it is.  I was not focused on meeting a new man, I’ve been, obviously, focused on still working my way out of this old relationship.  That’s the way the energy ripples out.  I have some work to do still, and until I get it done, nothing will work out the way I dream about.

 

An Apology

Posted on by learning to live like water

Sorry

For two days, I have been unsettled.  I knew why but didn’t want to write it here, because I also felt he was reading the blog again.  But I knew it was him, I knew I was feeling his upset, his angst.  It was mixed with Maggie, but last night I even messaged a friend telling her, what it was.  I was pretty sure I was going to hear from him, and after 2 months of silence, I did today.  It still freaked me out.  I do much better when I don’t hear from him.  It’s easier to move on when I can pretend he’s dead.

At any rate, he wanted to talk.  I thought he meant on the phone, but he meant face to face. I asked why, not wanting to find myself hanging from a limb again, and hoping I wouldn’t find myself face down in the dirt once more.  He asked if I was already blogging this, and quoted a reply I’d made to a comment not a half hour before.  I said, if you’re back with Betty, a phone call would suffice. 

We texted, as usual.  We didn’t meet, which I didn’t really want to do.  He called me, I ended up screaming at him, because he can’t be accountable.  He says what can I do now?  For either she or I.  I said a heartfelt apology with no “but but but’s”would be a start.  Change.  Be the man I always saw. 

As with all our conversations, it came to no good end.  We are mirrors of each other, just like his poem, each defines what the other is not. It was the typical push pull conversation.  Push pull push pull.  The complete story of Scott and I.

I never dreamed that Betty would keep reading the blog.  I assumed that she was not, that she’d found out what she needed to know, and would stop reading.  I didn’t mean to expose her to pain, as I tried to deal with my own.  So the rest of this blog is to apologize.

I’m sorry Betty, honest to God.  I never meant to add to your pain.  It was never my intention.  I felt I had to tell you what he had been doing, and tell you the whole truth.  I could not be party to another lie falling out of Scott’s mouth onto my head or yours.  The weight of the lies was breaking me.  I told Scott I hoped if it had been you that discovered the deception, that you would have told me,and that I would have wanted the details, I would have wanted a complete picture of what was going on. I was sure he would minimize our relationship to you, and while it wasn’t like yours with him, it was something.  There was something. I adored him, what he felt for me I really don’t know.  Something.

I didn’t put details of our relationship in this blog to hurt you.  The very last thing I want to do is to make someone feel as badly as I do.  That was me, trying to make sense of my life, trying to work through all these things we did that apparently meant nothing to him, or not much.  It was me, working through it.  That’s why I write, like I said in my letter.  It keeps me sane.  Sometimes I’m ok, sometimes I miss him so much I’m crying, sometimes I’m so angry at him.  And sometimes, I just wish we were friends, because he could make me laugh like no one else. And sometimes, I never want to hear his name again. 

So, it all comes out in the printed word.  It’s all here, but it was put here because this is what I do.  It wasn’t EVER meant to hurt you, it was never about revenge for my broken heart.  Writing is like breathing for me, I just have to do it when something is on my mind.

I wonder how he would have felt if you denied him to everyone.

I told him I don’t think monogamy is in his genes. 

 I don’t understand for a moment why he lied to me about you, and said you had cheated on him and gotten married.  I have no idea what the motivation was there.  He lied just to lie, because he could.  My ex husband did that, though never about other women.  He just loved being able to make someone believe something that wasn’t true. 

I know he thinks he loves you.  He calls you his best friend, and I have no doubt you were his best friend.  Too bad he couldn’t be a best friend back.  He wants me to feel guilty that you will never talk to him again.  I keep telling him, that he owns 100% of this fiasco.  No one else, but really least of all you.  I feel like I did the right thing, like I was the unlucky one of us that figured it out.  When he told me he’d never forgive me, I said, “Why would I care if you forgave me?  It’s me, whether I could forgive myself for not telling you.”  I told him, after I stopped seeing him, but before I knew you’d been with him the whole time, that I’d seen a picture of you on FB and that you looked like such a nice woman, and that I thought you just wanted to love him and be loved back, and why doesn’t he just try to do right by you. 

By the way, my friend who said you looked weathered, after I told her I thought you were really pretty, was just trying to make me feel better, I’m sure.  You’re beautiful.  Honestly.  If I’d thought you were reading this, I wouldn’t have mentioned it.  My friend just could see my pain, and thought it would help me.  I realize it was shallow of me, but it did somehow make me feel less 2nd best for her to say that.  I’m sorry.  It was wrong to publish that. Please pay no attention to it, it was just an attempt on my friends part to make me feel better.

I’m just sorry, for all of this.  I know I was the heavy here, and I can handle that, because to be otherwise would have asked me to be his accomplice.  But I never wanted to hurt you, I was never looking for revenge through this blog or the letter I sent you.  I have only tried to work through my own stuff.  I’ve never tried to crush you (Scott’s words).  I’ve never wanted to add to your pain.  I wish we could be friends. Really.  You have my contact information.  I’d be happy to har from you.

He says I’m obsessed, well maybe I am.  I think I’d be fine now, if he just didn’t lie so much, it makes me question everything, as I’ve written here enough.  I told him, I’ve come away with precious little from this, so I’d like to hold on to what little I have.  Whether or not it’s accurate in his mind, I don’t really care.  I do think that he has a knack for re-writing history.  I keep saying I don’t want to write any more about him, but then I remember something else, I need to find a place for it.  But I’m sorry, so sorry, if my words added to the pain he gave you. 

He told me you were angry at how he treated me.  I want to thank you for that, for your empathy, but mostly for your recognition that I really loved that man.  Hearing that relieved me, that maybe you don’t hate me, and you might understand where I’m coming from.

It’s amazing how much destruction can follow one man around.  Just unbelievable.  Just lay waste to peoples lives and hearts, to feed his own ego.

I have a date tomorrow.  I hope it turns out to be someone who can make me forget him.  I hope you are able to get past this soon, and move on with your life too.  I wish you the very best, all good things, and no more liars in your life. You’re beautiful Betty.  Scott’s an idiot for what he did to you.  I’ve called him an emotional adolescent and I stand by that.  If he could own it, there might be hope for him. 

With Love and sincere heartfelt remorse for adding to your pain, Deb

 

 

CoinSIGNdences

Posted on by learning to live like water

  

I have been seeing so many 1’s today. Time 12:11, views on WP at that moment 111, visitors 1 (which makes no sense but whatever). And then in my music was “like a hurricane” by Neil Young followed by “diamonds and rust” by Joan Baez. 

So the ones mean a new path for me, the music is reinforcing that. If you believe in signs, which I totally do. 

Good signs. CoinSIGNdences. Thanking the universe for letting me know. 😊🌺

Connection

Posted on by learning to live like water

This is the quest, is it not?  To connect in a heart-felt, whole-hearted, deep way with other people, with other souls.  It is the reason behind almost everything we do.  Brene Brown has her finger on the pulse of this.  So I’m putting up some of the things she has to say about it.

connection

 

conncection energy

Everything is energy, different levels, different vibrations.  I believe the energy of connection is one of the highest levels that we as spiritual beings having a human experience, can achieve.

And finally…..

spiritulity

 

 

A Little Gong Introspection

Posted on by learning to live like water

 

longing

Just got home from the gongs, it was lovely as usual.  I was fairly relaxed going in, and may have dosed off for a bit.  Hard to believe with all that sound going on, but it happens.   Not sure if I was sleeping or just somewhere else.

Texted with the new guy a lot today.  There have been no moments, yet, of wondering   “why did he say that?”  Won’t  know if there’s any connection til Saturday.  I’d like to talk to him on the phone, I may tell him that tomorrow.  Idk.  I hope I’m not too outside the box for him, lol.

I was driving home tonight and kept thinking about the weekends I spent with Scott before Betty showed up again in his life.  Sometimes I just don’t understand why he was so quick to give it up.  Even if he wouldn’t let me go, he gave up that time together.  We’d make love before we slept, and when we woke up, then go out on some excursion, and then usually take a nap before I drove home, usually late in the day, and make love once more.  It was sweet, and easy.  Seems like it might have been worth a second thought?  Well, apparently not.   I hope I can find that again with someone.

Gongs make me introspective, help me put things in perspective in my life.  I wasn’t longing for Scott, I was just missing that closeness, with someone. I know who he is.  Maybe I’m longing for the guy he was, then.  I don’t know.  But that guy disappeared, and hasn’t been around for a long long time.

Well, off to bed. love and light.